Elderly father

[Simplehappyzen]

Good evening all...my DM sadly passed away 2.5 years ago and since then my DDad has stayed in their bungalow. DM passed 3 months before first lock down and so I made the decision to bubble up move in with DDad to help support him and to provide emotional and practical help. He really wasnt coping well and no wonder after 61 years of marriage. My DH and DS stayed at home and after 7 months I decided to hybrid reside between the two homes with a view to gently reverting back to staying at home. This is how it has been ever since. DS is now 17 and tends to come and stay with me at DDads. In addition I do all DDad's cleaning, life admin, medical appointments, I've encouraged him to join two lunch clubs aimed at the elderly and he also goes fishing with a neighbour. Despite DDad being 83 he is generally fit and well. The issues I have are...he still expects me to go and see him every day, expects me to sleep over half the week, is a constant emotional drain and I feel at breaking point. I have done everything I can to help encourage his independence but he will phone me up if I've not been around so far that day and I feel so bad as he's so lonely. When I do go round he can be so negative and bitter. He sits and moans about the rest of the family, starts drinking at 4pm each day which only fuels his anger and today I have just lost my patience and gone mad at him. I feel totally terrible now but realise this has probably been building up for a while. Just what do I do moving forward? I honestly feel at breaking point but desperately hate the fact Ddad is so lonely. I know if I left him to it he would just give up and I'd never forgive myself. Can anyone please advise if been in a similar situation? Please no nasty comments...I'm fragile enough this evening 😢

I don't know if this service happens where you are but my aunt used to have 2 women that came in 5 days a week. Not as cleaners or carers but literally for company. They just come in and chat, sometimes go shopping or out for lunch and sometimes just stay in and chat.
I wonder if something like that would work for your dad. Is there other family who can help? You said your dad moans about them but maybe they could visit him to ease the pressure on you.
I really feel for you and your dad. The trouble is you don't dare ignore calls from them just incase it's something serious so it's hard to distance yourself.
Others are right though. You matter. Maybe you could say to him I won't be able to come round tomorrow for x reason but I'll see you the day after. Try and wean him off relying on you that way.

Given that he doesn't need actual care, what needs setting up is:

A cleaner
A meal delivery service like Oakhouse or ParsleyBox (they're ready meals that need minimal effort on your dad's part)
A befriending service
And calls and visits from you (no longer than an hour) that are regular and diarised so that when he calls you you can say "I can't come now, but I'll be there tomorrow at 10, as usual"

If you can get him going to a lunch club, all the better, as he'll meet people. But again, AgeUK will be helpful here.

Talk to your dad frankly. Tell him you are worn down and have neglected your DH and child. Give him information about the organisation show can help eg Help the aged/Age Concern and the variety of groups he can join - lunch clubs, U3A etc. Present to him the alternative about living in older peoples complex's etc.
Step back if he shows no inclination to change the pattern he is in - he may be old, but he has choices to make

I decided some time ago that if I find myself living alone and it’s not working for me I’ll find a lodger. I wouldn’t mind betting it would be pretty easy to find someone who’d be delighted to move in, offer some company, a bit of shopping, generally being around in exchange for a cheap place to live.

My dad's next door neighbour is just the same and I am so envious!!. Well done to your dad x

Have a very similar story with my mum. It has had to change for the sake of my family.

I laid out to myself what needed done for mum, did POA, sorted out banks billing etc, moved everything over to direct debit. Got a cleaner.

You need to figure out what can be done automatically/what he can do/what you are willing to do.

Re loneliness you mentioned supper clubs, was thinking also local sports clubs/befrienders/mens sheds/community stuff through the church.

Is he fit and well enough to come to you, might he be able to visit you once a week etc rather than you always going over?

I have shopped online for mum but also set specific tasks which probably sounds condescending but i wanted to boost her own confidence to sort things out herself.

Do you have other brothers sisters etc. Can they take on anything? He will have to taken to you being around and i appreciate it will be hard but do it now so he can start in the nice weather when we prefer enjoy getting out and about.

Do figure out as your little family how this is affecting you and what time you can devote to helping and stick to it. I do for my mum one day a week although that isnt always being there but getting shopping/sorting banking etc. I cannot justify anymore time away from my kids.

Wish you all the best, look at the elderly parents section on here too xxx

He would absolutely love to meet a companion and would be something I would wholeheartedly support. Maybe this is something I could look into...thank you 😊

Thank you for your reply, some good ideas there. Weve spoken about putting a POA in place and ddad is happy for this to be done.
I can really tell just how much this has all built up inside me as I really went bonkers today and feel so terrible now. I'm just so drained and miss my dmum so much. It's as though I've not had time to grieve with having to be strong for ddad.
Sometimes I want to do is to lie on my own sofa and do absolutely nothing. I'm torn into so many pieces and it's just not sustainable. Thank you again for your suggestions 😊 xx

He is the parent still not you. You have already done so much and you constantly being at his beck and call isn’t going to help him. Why not agree a day/night every week where you, DH and ds go round for dinner or he comes to you? Your there but not every minute

I'm in a similar position... It's utterly hellish... My empathy.. 💐

I've now realised I've inadvertently made him MY problem... (this is on the back of him being a less than stellar parent.).
There is only me left... Small family..

I've told him all the stress to do with him and his relentless demands makes me ill.... He thinks that I should want to do this hellish role.

I don't.

Good luck - I hope you're more successful than me!

Does he have any care needs? Is he largely independent in looking after himself? I think it might help for you to stop thinking of him as "elderly". Plenty of 83 year olds are quite fit and active. Would you behave differently if this was say your sibling in their 50s? He has been bereaved and covid was tough, however he also needs to live his own life and work out solutions to his own issues. Options like sheltered housing dont work for people pushed into it. Don't try and find loads of solutions for him to replace you. Start trying to explain that you need to prioritise other things. Ask him what he is struggling with, what matters to him, what bothers him etc and then try and be by his side as he finds his own solutions. If he says he is lonely, what does he want to do about it? Likewise if he is bored. If he feels low and scared and anxious, will he speak to his GP about his mental health? Don't assume that he is "old" now so he will just become dependent, try and relate to him like a friend not become a sort of parent to him. He will probably find it tough because he's in a tough situation but at the same time you are not the only solution to that and if you resent him for relying on you it will feel really tough for both of you. Try to find things to enjoy together but say when you need space.

No care needs and no cognitive problems. My dmum was the backbone of the marriage and he just did as he was told! He's literally never had to think for himself.
When you say not to find alternative solutions to replace me, this is exactly what I have done! I found him a lunch club/bingo meet up on a Monday and my initial thought was "phew that gives me some space". It's definitely time to sit down with him and have some frank conversations. Thank you x

My every sympathy...its so tough isn't it!! I do have two brothers, one visits once a week and the other I'm lucky if its once a year. It's always me on speed dial and he has become some negative, its making me so fed up.

Good luck x

You have done all you could for your DF to help him after your DM died, and to get through covid etc., but really you now have to put yourself and your family first - and you need to tell him that. You most certainly shouldn't have to sleep at his house. If he is fit and able then he can get out and meet people, join groups etc. - and if he doesn't that is not your problem, the opportunities are there. My almost 89 years old DF requires nothing more from me than paying his bills online. Of course we visit and I speak to him every evening on the phone but he has his own life.

Oh God given he was not a great dad I would be trying to get council to take over.

Why do you do it?!

Some great suggestions already, definitely look into how you can put support into place that isn't going to require as much effort and time in your part, e.g. meal delivery, cleaners. One person only has so much to give, so please don't feel guilty about needing to keep some energy for yourself and your own family.

It sounds like you've already encouraged him to socialise outside the house. Does he have many ways to keep himself entertained while he's at home? I wonder if this is where he is missing company the most hence wanting you to actually stay over. If not, could you maybe help him sort things like a smart TV with Netflix subscription, and/or an Amazon Echo Show (the kind with the screen so he can video call people) with Audible & Spotify subscriptions? I'm wondering if he literally just doesn't know how to manage being on his own so some entertainment at home might help.

Why does his life and his needs take priority over your life and your needs?
Sorry but he sounds like a spoilt entitled child, so treat him like a naughty toddler and tell him what you are prepared to do.
Yes I know it’s hard; Mil is in her 80’s and like this. But we have got her into a care home and she moans like mad but it is much better.

I totally agree with this - there is also a lot of toxic ideas of what good daughters ‘should do’ (I’m sure sons too, but let’s be honest it’s often women who are doing the bulk of elderly care). It sounds awful but I think there is very little understanding of long term caring responsibilities that aren’t young children in the wider world and in employment either. If it’s a short term serious illness people can understand that, but when it’s years of day to day stuff which is what a lot of elderly care is, I find there’s almost zero understanding of how stressful it can be.

OP you’re a fantastic daughter but do think about what your Mum would have wanted for you - I’m sure she’d have been so proud with all you’ve been doing and immensely grateful for how well you’ve looked after your Dad. Most likely though she wouldn’t want it to be at the complete detriment of your own life and would totally understand why you’re struggling. 💐

Are you someone who experiences guilt on a regular basis in relation to him? Whatever you give is never enough? Being a 'fantastic daughter' does not demand sacrifcing yourself and no decent person would demand this. He sounds very egocentric and savvy at making his needs central; I'm guessing this has come at a great cost to others, particularly your son. If you are struggling to say no and put in some healthy boundaries, I would try and get some support with that, otherwise he is going to direct your life until he passes away.