How to discipline this.

[snooze987]

Today my 3 year old could have potentially really hurt my 12 month old. I was out the room using the toilet and she tipped the baby's chair up so he was essentially trapped underneath it.

I completely lost it with him. But this behavior has been escalating for a while. I really need to punish this behavior but I don't want to go over the top or not do enough and he doesnt do this again.

I was considering removing all his toys out of the house when he was asleep.

I've took all of his rewards away including his iPad.

Is removing all his toys completely evil. I feel so mad with him at the moment I honestly do not know what to do

Take a deep breath, you've had a horrible shock.
3 years old is young to understand delayed punishments. Concentrate on calming yourself and making sure the baby is ok, and then when three year old is awake have a nice talk about being gentle and careful. You will have to be like a broken record, because he is three, but it will go in. I know you don't feel like it, but if you show him some love and "the right way", he will get there.
I say this as someone who was, regrettably bey reactive to my first boy when he was little. It did no one any good and I still look back and feel bad about the way I handled it.

You're dealing with a three year old not a hardened criminal. Taking all of his toys out of the house is not a good idea. It won't do you any favours at all, and it is the kind of thing that if a little bit older he will remember for the rest of life, but still not understand the reason that you did it to him.
You need to be the grown up and stay calm, yes this is upsetting but there's no gain in being mad with him. He is three and learning from you how to behave, and will then pass that behavour on to his younger sibling. So you choose what you model to him, because that what he will replicate.
Calmly explain why you're feeling SO upset, because you don't want the baby to be hurt and that him being trapped under the chair scared you. Deal with the behaviour, not him being a "naughty/bad child" that needs punishing. Then model how to be kind, because at the end of the day you need a good solid relationship with your kids to get you through the rest of your lives together and that's not going to come about with punishments and consequences that don't make any sense to them.

Here's a link to a parenting that might be useful, I know I did. I really hope you find something that works for you.

You’ve told him off, that is enough. Stop thinking up ways to punish and be cruel to a small child.

Tell him you were very upset because he'd done something that could have badly hurt the baby. He can have his toys back but he must never do anything that silly again - he's the big boy and must look after his little brother.

On a practical level, I think an appropriate measure might be that until his behaviour is reliable, you simply don't leave him unattended with the little one. If you need to go to the loo, take one of them with you. If that means interrupting something he's doing, tough.

Obviously praise good, gentle behaviour to his little brother.

3 year olds have ipads now !!!!!

Removing his toys would make him more bored and more likely to do ridiculous, dangerous things.

Specifically choosing to remove toys whilst she’s asleep is fucking up and catapults you straight from OTT and ineffective “discipline” and into abusive punishment territory!

Presumably the while she’s sleeping bit is the added shock value of them disappearing? That’s just plain nasty. Even if you only mean because you can’t handle her reaction to you doing it in front of her, that in itself is a problem.

The first issue here, is that you shouldn’t have left them alone together. So whilst you work on his behaviour - adapt yours.

In what way is the behaviour escalating? What is she actually doing?

If you take all her toys away, what do you actually expect her to do - sit in the corner facing a wall? Do you want her to hate the baby?

First thing I’d do is talk to her about how small and delicate babies are. I’d sit him on the sofa and put baby in her lap, and talk about looking after him. Then I’d tell him that baby had a bit of a shock and it’s important to give him extra care today because of that, and look out for crying because baby can’t say if he got hurt. Ask her to be in charge of telling you if baby cries. Ask for suggestions of what what she could show she’s sorry - for example, lending baby a toy, or helping to prepare a special lunch for baby.

What else you do depends on what the general behaviour has been.

Removing all his toys would be completely over the top and cruel. You tell him off at the time and then move on.
You also make sure you don't leave them together again whilst the are so young. If you need to go to the loo then you take one of them with you or pop baby in a play pen.

I wrote all that as he/him, then changed it based on your first paragraph, but now I see that was wrong. Ignore the pronouns 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'd recommend looking into gentle parenting .

Talk to him about why we don't do what he did , hurt baby etc .

I also think you need to accept that you're partially responsible as you left them unsupervised together

Please do not throw all his toys out while he sleeps. That is incredibly cruel and will do nothing positive.
You have already told him it was wrong, he needs to learn what is acceptable behaviour but a 3 year old isn’t bad for doing something like this.

He's 3. He's been told off. That's done.

The fault here is on you. You left your two small children unattended, of course some shit was going to go down.

It doesn't need 'disciplining' or 'punishing'. I know it must be scary and you feel angry (I had similar situations happen, same age gap), but it's normal for little ones to have a huge response and lots of feelings towards a sibling arriving and this might reflect in their behaviour. Trying to be understanding and gentle is probably the best approach, I think, rather than punishment. Easier said than done though in the moment!

He’s 3. Punishment is not really appropriate in that way. I know your angry, scared and frustrated but take a deep breath here.

so, you already lost it at the time so that has communicated pretty clearly it’s not cool. I’d sit down later with him and explain calmly why you were so angry and try to frame tomorrow onwards positively do things like ‘so let’s do gentle cuddles with baby and maybe soon he will giggle at you. Do you think you could watch to see when he smiles and tell me when it happens? Because your his big brother and I bet he’ll want to smile for you before even me’ or similar narrative.

Additionally OP it’s on you to monitor a bit better even if it means bringing 3 yr old to the toilet with you for a while to not put him n the position he can do something dangerous.

“I've took all of his rewards away including his iPad.“

An iPad is fine in moderation but I’d really really caution against elevating it to prized item status by it being used as a reward and your go-to removed item. Way to tell a child that screen time is the best thing and toys and books are poor seconds! I would really try to use it just another toy that’s sometimes available - but not as a reward for good behaviour. They’re addictive enough.

Getting rid of all his (her? you said she in the first paragraph) toys in the middle of the night is going too far. It sounds like revenge, not discipline.

And it's this suggestion that makes me wonder if you're actually angry primarily at yourself, but you're directing it at your older child. Maintaining anger over something like this is layering adult reasoning onto a very young child's actions.

I agree with this.

Also, why on earth has a 3yo got an ipad?

If you can’t trust them together then take the baby to the toilet with you.
3 is still very young. Do you have much 1 on 1 time with your them?

I understand that you're scared about what might have happened but your punishments are OTT. You could create sleep issues if you remove her toys while she's asleep because she'll be scared about things disappearing each time she sleeps.

3 year olds seem massive compared to babies but they are very young. This is a time where she/ dealing with big emotions and my first reaction is to wonder about sibling rivalry. A mobile younger sibling who can touch your stuff and has mum chasing after them is a recipe for jealousy - an emotion that a 3 year old can't just talk about rationally.

If you can't trust your dd to be alone with her brother then you'll have to take her with you every time you leave the room in the same way that you might remove a pet from the same room as a baby. It's not ideal but if it is sibling rivalry then your dd will be feeling insecure. It is reasonable to tell her off if she tipped the chair over as soon as you left the room but if she tried to get help when it happened then praise her for that bit.

Are you the same poster who's toddler pushed over the high chair with the baby in it?

*whose

You don't leave the kids unsupervised. Even for two seconds. You put one in one room, one in the other. I had a two year age gap. So I know exactly what happens in these situations.

Why on God's earth does your 3 YO have an ipad? I am lax with screens but fuck me, 3 is young.

How much positive one to one attention does your eldest get from you? If the only way he gets attention from you is when he's told off, he's going to keep acting this way to get attention. I have been there myself and know how hard it is, so I am not going to judge. But you need to take control of the situation and taking away all of this stuff so he's bored and fed up isn't going to fix it.

This. He is 3 not 5. You have disciplined him already.

People are saying IF you can't trust them together it really you can't ever trust them together -3 is too young.
Ime the older one gets loads of attention ( getting into everything etc) and the second baby has to just get on with it ( and in my case ended up all the better for the lack of fuss).

Retrospect punishments don’t really work with 3 year olds. He needs a massive telling off (in the moment) and a sit in the naughty step, and a full apology, and if you were going to do anything fun that day (trip to park etc, cancelled). Taking toys after the event won’t work, he won’t associate the behavior with the event.
Get rid of the ipad. He is far too young for one. 3 year olds should be playing with toys/make believe games.