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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How to discipline this.

49 replies

snooze987 · 22/07/2022 09:47

Today my 3 year old could have potentially really hurt my 12 month old. I was out the room using the toilet and she tipped the baby's chair up so he was essentially trapped underneath it.

I completely lost it with him. But this behavior has been escalating for a while. I really need to punish this behavior but I don't want to go over the top or not do enough and he doesnt do this again.

I was considering removing all his toys out of the house when he was asleep.

I've took all of his rewards away including his iPad.

Is removing all his toys completely evil. I feel so mad with him at the moment I honestly do not know what to do

OP posts:

sageandrosemary · 22/07/2022 11:16

Mariposista · 22/07/2022 11:15

Retrospect punishments don’t really work with 3 year olds. He needs a massive telling off (in the moment) and a sit in the naughty step, and a full apology, and if you were going to do anything fun that day (trip to park etc, cancelled). Taking toys after the event won’t work, he won’t associate the behavior with the event.
Get rid of the ipad. He is far too young for one. 3 year olds should be playing with toys/make believe games.

Please, please don't follow this advice OP.

3WildOnes · 22/07/2022 12:28

I would also read siblings without rivalry. I think you will cause more jealousy which will lead to more problems if you go overbored with punishment. You want to set them up for success, so don't leave them alone together and gi really overboard with praise when the older one is kind, get them involved in helping you care for the younger one. You want to be proactive not reactive.
Honestly going overboard with punishments is likely to lead to years and years of fighting.

zingally · 22/07/2022 12:31

Natural consequences.

If you need to leave the room where he and the baby are, the 3 year old comes with you "because you pushed the baby when I wasn't there and I need to keep the baby and you safe". Even if that means he has to stop doing something fun. TBH, I'd arrange it so it was quite a bit of interrupting something fun.

Soubriquet · 22/07/2022 12:32

He’s 3 not 13!

Telling him off is enough. Plus you’re at fault too for leaving them alone together long enough for this to happen

MbatataOwl · 22/07/2022 12:38

He's obviously struggling with having a new sibling.

You haven't managed to help him through this tough time. You left them alone together long wining for the incident to happen.

Maybe you should go punish yourself?

UWhatNow · 22/07/2022 12:39

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

nca · 22/07/2022 12:40

snooze987 · 22/07/2022 09:47

Today my 3 year old could have potentially really hurt my 12 month old. I was out the room using the toilet and she tipped the baby's chair up so he was essentially trapped underneath it.

I was considering removing all his toys out of the house when he was asleep.

I've took all of his rewards away including his iPad.

Is removing all his toys completely evil. I feel so mad with him at the moment I honestly do not know what to do

He's 3.

Have a word with yourself. This is in you for not doing your job properly and supervising your kids.

You need to take your own iPad away, remove all your treats and nice things and sit and think about what you've done 🙄

Seriously. You've told him off. He's 3. Removing all his toys while he sleeps is cruel.

SpeckofDustUponMySoul · 22/07/2022 12:44

Your son is clearly struggling, judging by this and your previous posts. You are clearly struggling, too, but you are the adult.

You've said you've lost it at him, taken the iPad, removed all the rewards, and yet still feel the 'need' to punish.

You're shaming him punishing him. And he's not yet 4. He is a small child and you are (purport to be) an adult.

Instead of asking MN, I'd be looking at asking for a referral to attend a parenting course, such as Incredible Years.

CremeEggsForBreakfast · 22/07/2022 12:54

In the moment you were in shock and very concerned for the baby's welfare. That's completely understandable.

You mention what your 3yr old did but haven't talked about a motive. Have you asked?

It could be the 3yr old wanted to pick up the baby and couldn't reach so tried to tip her out. Maybe his blanket was underneath and he was trying to free it. Was it a game gone wrong?

There are a number of innocent explanations that need calm, patient, and gentle understanding. He's 3 and cannot yet comprehend the actual consequences of his actions.

There is a chance it was malicious but at 3 it won't be pure spite but a cry for connection with you and a desire for you to notice his emotions. If he's often left alone with the baby could it be that when she cries it's the only time you come back into the room? Does he resent the baby for taking up his space and his time with you?
None of this makes you a bad parent. I imagine most 3yr olds have mixed feelings about the arrival of a sibling.

But taking his toys away would only stop him pushing over the chair (if it worked at all) and wouldn't address his relationship with you and his sibling. Fix the relationship and you also fix the behaviour.

Of course, that's easy for a stranger on the internet to say but start by setting aside 10mins at bedtime every day (or at baby's nap time or something) and concentrating on just him. Then seek advice from a trusted friend or relative, look at gentle parenting TikToks or something (the legit ones, like MummaCusses or LauraLoves, not the permissive parents) and research emotion coaching.

Understanding the emotional needs of someone too small to tell you what's going on can seem impossible but it's achievable with enough effort and patience.

watcherintherye · 22/07/2022 13:01

sageandrosemary · 22/07/2022 11:16

Please, please don't follow this advice OP.

Show quote history

What’s the matter with that advice? Sounds fine to me, especially taking away the iPad.

Bunty55 · 22/07/2022 13:08

I get the seriousness of your situation but you can't do that to a three year old. You have to deal with it when it happens and not later

pointythings · 22/07/2022 13:10

I second the idea of a parenting course for you, and you really should not leave a 3yo and a 1yo unsupervised. This is on you.

Things will go better once you learn some better coping strategies for helping your older DC come to terms with having a sibling, and for managing a child at a tough age (for many children 3 is worse than 2).

Original poster

snooze987 · 22/07/2022 13:25

Thanks for all the advice.

I'll take it on board I thought as the baby was safe but obviously not.

I was thinking pretty angry abd scared when I wrote this so yeah I agree taking his toys away wouldn't have been good.

As for the use of an I park don't think cebebies app and abit of paw patrol is the worst thing in the world. He gets it as a reward if he's good.

OP posts:

Just10moreminutesplease · 22/07/2022 13:30

3 is still so young. Taking all his toys away whilst he was sleeping is cruel and wouldn’t work anyway.

Explain why he needs to be careful and don’t leave them alone together. It’s not fun taking a baby or toddler to the bathroom with you, but 3 isn’t old enough to be left with a baby unattended. Their impulse control and ability to understand risk just makes it too unsafe.

DysmalRadius · 22/07/2022 13:37

You can't leave kids that age alone together, even for a trip to the loo. Take whichever one is easiest, but accept that you are responsible for keeping them both safe and it's not your three year old's fault that they were in a position to hurt the baby.

RockAndRollerskate · 22/07/2022 13:39

I have a 2.5yo and find that explaining things works really well with him, albeit simply.

First step is to give all of your attention to the baby “I know it hurts when you fall over, you are crying because you are hurt…”

Then to the toddler:
“We don’t tip the baby’s chair, because then he will hurt his head and we don’t want to hurt the baby.”

OP nothing wrong with a bit of iPad - especially with a baby, you do what you need to to get by.

I frequently leave my two alone for a few minutes at a time, otherwise how else would one pee or grab a snack?!

PoppyDrug · 22/07/2022 13:41

Advice is to deal with the situation as it happens not wait. Time out for one minute for each year of their little years.
don’t prolong the consequence of their action it’s too confusing

ZenNudist · 22/07/2022 13:45

Don't leave baby alone with 3yo
Tell him off at the time and that's it
Lose the ipad, you are making a rod for your own back.
Give him a chance to show, under supervision that he can be nice and take care of his little brother
Also buckle up because they are going to fight for many years, the big one is going to use superior strength against the little one, the little one will retaliate and start fights as much as the big one, people get hurt, it's hell.

Mariposista · 22/07/2022 13:45

watcherintherye · 22/07/2022 13:01

What’s the matter with that advice? Sounds fine to me, especially taking away the iPad.

Show quote history

Haha remember that this is MN where nicey nicey parenting rules supreme, and bad behaviour shoukd be rewarded with cuddles

ErrolTheDragon · 22/07/2022 13:47

Haha remember that this is MN where nicey nicey parenting rules supreme, and bad behaviour shoukd be rewarded with cuddles

Yeah, that's exactly what everyone on this thread has been doing.

CbaThinkingOfAUsername · 22/07/2022 13:49

When you say this behaviour has bern escalating for a while, do you mean violence towards the 12 month old? Or misbehaving in general?

Musti · 22/07/2022 13:49

You don’t leave a baby and a toddler together unattended in a room! At 3 you’re still having to continually tell them what to do and what not to do. At 3 they’re exploring and trying things out. They’re not being naughty.

but don’t leave them unattended!!

Sprogonthetyne · 22/07/2022 13:50

He won't really connect anything you do now with the behaviour earlier today, at three it has to be instant. I think you need to chalk this one off as bad but in the past, and work out a strategy going forward.

hesttreat · 22/07/2022 18:08

It's too late for any punishment' he's 3 he's done it and you told him off.

Don't be so hard on a 3 year old.

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