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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a bad mum?

34 replies

newmum795 · 22/07/2022 09:25

My baby is a week old and I'm finding it so much harder than I thought I would. She refuses to fall asleep at night and I spend the whole night rocking her to sleep for the millionth time or trying to figure out what reason she's crying. It got to 6am this morning and she was still awake and wanted feeding (I'm breastfeeding) for about the 7th time. My nipples were sore, I was falling asleep and in that moment I just broke down and handed the baby to my mum (who is currently staying with me as partner had to deal with a family matter yesterday) and said I can't do this anymore. My mum ended up giving her a bottle of formula while I slept. I woke up 2 hours later in floods of tears feeling like I abandoned my baby when she just wanted me to comfort/feed her. I feel so terrible. Am I a bad mum?

OP posts:
KyaClark · 22/07/2022 09:27

No, to put it bluntly.

ForensicFlossy · 22/07/2022 09:29

This is perfectly normal. You are doing an amazing job. We have all been there. Xx

EV117 · 22/07/2022 09:29

You didn’t abandon your baby, you sensibly realised you needed a break. It’s hard work! You’re baby is fine and some nice Grandma cuddles and you finally got some sleep. It’s all good. You’re a good mum!

AFS1 · 22/07/2022 09:29

No, you’re not a bad mum at all!
You’re a new mum with a baby that doesn’t come with an instruction manual. What you’re describing is completely normal. It’s really good that your baby has taken a bottle of formula. Try a bit of mixed feeding to give you a break. You are not abandoning your baby. You’re letting someone you trust look after her so you can get some very very needed rest.

you’re doing well, but you need to look after yourself x

11Hawkins · 22/07/2022 09:30

No. Breast feeding isn't for everyone, I remember it well. Soon as I swapped to formula it was a whole another ball game. (Please nobody swipe me for saying this.)

Cara671244 · 22/07/2022 09:32

You didn't abandon her, you took a well deserved break. Your only human at the end of the day. Maybe you could try combination feeding of formula and breastfeeding.. don't be so hard on yourself, this is perfectly normal xx

x2boys · 22/07/2022 09:32

Oh bless you your baby is brand new, they are incredibly hard work at that age ,I remember when my oldest son was born ,me and dh took it in turns to sleep for the first two weeks ,just give yourself some time to settle into a routine.

JohannSebastianBach · 22/07/2022 09:34

Everyone feels like this in the early days. Your life has massively changed and you are exhausted.
Glad your mum is there with you. See if you can get some sleep. Make sure you eat and drink.
Don't be so hard on yourself.

MotherOfGremlins · 22/07/2022 09:35

You are doing brilliantly while sleep deprived, awash with hormones, and getting to grips with the most important job in the world.

If you managed to get a bit of sleep well done! You're not abandoning your baby, absolutely not. It's a really difficult period, but I promise you it will pass and you will look back at it when you're through it with nothing but compassion for yourself - and other new mums just going through it.

Un-mumsnetty hugs for you if you need them 👐

SlashBeef · 22/07/2022 09:37

Good god no you're not a bad mum. You've just had a baby! It turns your life upside down for a while.
Feed your baby however you want to. Take a break when you need to. Cry when you need to!

ArticSaviour · 22/07/2022 09:39

No.

When I was in hospital with DS2 the midwives came and took him for a couple of hours so I could sleep. Just before I dropped off I realised that they thought I had buzzed them. It wasn't me. It was the woman opposite. I had a flicker of guilt then thought fuck it.

Pp are right - breastfeeding doesn't always work for everyone. But equally, one bottle feed doesn't mean the end of breastfeeding.

Maytodecember · 22/07/2022 09:42

No, you’re not.
A week after giving birth you’re knackered, probably still sore ( remember, years ago women stayed in hospital for 7-10 days and nurses did everything except breastfeed the babies! If they cried at night they were taken off to the nursery — the babies, not the nurses)
Express some milk and freeze it so your DH or your mum can feed the baby. A mixture of formula and breast milk never harmed anyone so DH or your mum feeding a formula bottle is 100% ok.
Many years ago I read a book called The Good Enough Parent, written by a woman. The overstressed, exhausted, perfectionist parent is stressed and passes this to the child. The slovenly, neglectful, doesn’t care parent is obviously not good. But the parent who makes the effort, thinks of their children first, doesn’t always get it 100% right is absolutely fine and a healthy parent to their child.

arrogantorwhat37 · 22/07/2022 09:44

No, you really aren't.
Take a little time to care for yourself - you'll feel better for it

Petulathethird · 22/07/2022 09:46

No, you are not a bad mum. You are a new mum, an exhausted mum and a mum who recognized when you needed a break.
New babies are hard work, at a time when you are physically fragile and your hormones haven't settled down yet.
It will get easier and meanwhile, get as much help as you can. Say yes to anyone who offers to help with housework or cooking.
Congratulations on your new baby.

H1994 · 22/07/2022 09:47

I'm not a mum yet - and can still tell you, absolutely not - you're not a bad Mum... you took a break for yourself to keep energy up to continue doing the best for your baby. You're doing fab, it may not feel like it but you really are - it must be very tough, but you're tough too! (always helps me that saying!)

squarky · 22/07/2022 09:48

11Hawkins · 22/07/2022 09:30

No. Breast feeding isn't for everyone, I remember it well. Soon as I swapped to formula it was a whole another ball game. (Please nobody swipe me for saying this.)

Agree. This happened to me.

SeptemberDreams · 22/07/2022 09:49

Aww dear love you, of course you’re not!!! 💕 Life with a newborn is so intense. You can never be fully prepared for it before it happens. I had so many nights with my 2 in the early days where I thought I can’t do this! I’m so glad your mum was there to help you and you were able to get some sleep. Take any help you can get and remember ‘this too shall pass’ It won’t always be like this!!!

Holly60 · 22/07/2022 09:49

No you are a good mum for realising you needed some sleep in order to be able to look after your baby properly.

Well done

SadFace2 · 22/07/2022 09:49

No, you're not a bad mum, you're just exhausted. Nobody is like Mary Poppins after labour, birth and round the clock breastfeeding. Remember when they say sleep deprivation is a form of torture, it's true.

It won't always be like this, you know that, nobody would ever have another child would they? Accept all the help and support, be kind to yourself, don't worry about things that don't matter and give formula top ups if you want to. It's not the end of the world. You'll be fine, I promise.

Phlewf · 22/07/2022 09:54

Your baby is a week old! They are so tiny and their needs (and yours) so huge! Lots of cultures have a cocoon around new mothers and baby’s got a reason.
i thought you were going to say you feel asleep feeding her but actually you did the much safer and more sensible thing of making sure she was safe and then making yourself safe. This is good parenting.

Munchyseeds2 · 22/07/2022 09:55

Oh bless you! You have not abandoned your baby it's just early days and neither of you know what you are doing!
Sleep whenever you can
New babies tend to do the vampire act but it does pass and get easier
It took me about 7 weeks to get to grips with feeding and the odd bottle won't hurt anyway
You will be fine!

Maray1967 · 22/07/2022 09:55

I was born in the late 60s. My
mum was in a maternity home for 14 days after a normal birth. That was private, but she saud
ost of her friends had at least a week in a normal hospital and then their mums were round all the time afterwards. Babies went to the nursery at night and were fed by the nurses.
Now mums are booted out after a day and expected to cope. Is it any wonder that we get in a state?
You did the right thing. You asked your mum to help and baby was with her Gran. You got some sleep. Absolutely the right thing to do.

2muchtimeonline · 22/07/2022 09:57

Congratulations on your beautiful baby! You’re a great and loving Mum. If you want to bf my one bit of advice would be to stay in bed for the next week or so and do nothing but eat and feed. If you have your own mum around that’s terrific. She and your partner can feed and mind you while you feed LO. Plenty of water too. Let them do everything else, changing, cleaning etc. it’s likely baby will feed a lot overnight to start so if you are in bed you can sleep during the day. And contact a BF group if you need help. That’s if you want to BF. These are the toughest days but they will pass.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 22/07/2022 09:57

Oh love, it is SO SO hard at that stage. I basically lost my mind the first time.

My advice is: do whatever you have to do to make this as easily as possible for yourself. If that means roping mum in for a bit longer so you can nap or lie in, do it. If it means giving your baby formula, do it. Don’t suffer needlessly, because your baby will be absolutely fine. Remember how much YOU matter too, and how much your MH matters.

But also remember, you are postnatal - and we forget, an an Instagram perfect new-mummy-pressure world, just how difficult being postnatal can be - you are hormonal, you have just experienced the most painful thing you will go through in life. Give yourself a break. You’re not a bad mum at all. This will pass, but while it’s passing, make sure you have a tonne of support and get some rest!

Emily6969 · 22/07/2022 09:58

No you are not a bad mum but possibly a bit overwhelmed. You sound quite young and in experienced. If this is the case then a big tip is to take up as much help as what is on offer to you. Try sleeping when your baby sleeps if you can. Dont worry about breast vs bottle in the long run it dosent make much difference. Try making your life as simple and easy as possible both physically and mentally and if still struggling go and seek professional help