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Original poster

Was my ex disrespectful?

42 replies

shelly101x · 21/07/2022 13:33

Everyone is telling me different opinions so thought I’d post here!

I was broken up with one month ago. It’s been awful. I wake up every single morning feeling sick, heart racing, and checking my phone - being sad about my notifications being empty. I’m still not really eating, and I just can’t believe people feel better after a month. I don’t think he’s left my mind for a second.

I pushed him away due to my anxiety and inability to enjoy the moment with him. I was so wrapped up in my own insecurities and unhappiness that in the end I drained him and pushed him away. I’m really trying - I’ve got a psychologist twice a week, I’m going to the gym, I’ve booked some holidays but honestly nothing is working.

I moved into his house 8 days before, as he said he was 100% certain about our future lol. I had to move out and go back to my parents as I had given up my flat. He said he only moved me in as he thought I’d be “less needy” and we’d “break up otherwise”.

BUT here’s what I’m unsure about.

We went no contact straight away, but he has not unfollowed me. I bumped into him last week at a festival. He said he was happy to see me smiling again and proud of me, but it’ll never happen again as he’s not in the headspace and needs to be on his own for now.

BUUUUT he kept making comments about how good I looked, kept staring at me and holding my gaze. Making jokes like “damn, not my property anymore”. How he’d never find anyone as fit as me. And how he missed some inappropriate things lol and how fit I am. Felt kinda shit seeing as we were so loving and now im just sort of a body to him.

I got my hopes up as I thought great, feelings are still there. But a lot of my friends say that it was disrespectful, after the loving relationship we had, that all he said was comments about my body etc. He said some really inappropriate things.

We haven’t spoken since. He asked to let me know if I got home safe. I did and he replied “was good to see you smile again x”. I didn’t reply.

Now I still really want him back but, should I be angrier than I am?

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 21/07/2022 13:39

He effectively made you homeless when you gave up your flat and he kicked you out after eight days. I would block him. Have nothing to do with him. What kind of pig says you’re not his property any more? When were you ever his property? You’re well rid of him.

IsDaveThere · 21/07/2022 13:40

YABU to keep posting about the same thing, you also have more than one thread on the Relationships board.

I don't think he was being disrespectful but even if he was, does it matter? You are no longer together and no matter how much you want to get back with him, he made it clear that he doesn't want a relationship with you any longer.

That doesn't mean that he doesn't still find you attractive or fit, he probably does, but knows your relationship didn't work before and he doesn't want to go back there.

Isaidnoalready · 21/07/2022 13:41

He sounds like a headworker seriously block him

Coffeaddict · 21/07/2022 13:45

Sounds like he's playing games/ looking for an easy shag.
Block and move on.
Also if anyone referred to me as their property the last thing I would be doing is jumping into bed with said person

WhenDovesFly · 21/07/2022 13:45

It's a shame you didn't try living together for a short while before you gave up your flat, but hindsight is a wonderful thing.

I'm not sure I'd forgive those comments. "Not my property anymore"? Since when is a woman a man's property? Also the comments all being about how fit you are and your body - that'd be a nope from me. It's hard at first for sure, but it will gradually get easier as time goes by. You're only a month in to your separation, and you've lost your independent living space, so don't be too hard on yourself OP.

Choice4567 · 21/07/2022 13:45

You’ve posted about this a lot. I don’t think it really matters - he has made it very clear he doesn’t want to get back together

You really need to work on moving on. Block him. He is not coming back

AryaStarkWolf · 21/07/2022 13:46

You were never his property for a start.

What he was being was a real fucking asshole saying that shit to you giving you some sort of hope after dumping you and kicking you out of his house.

The worst thing he actually did you was before you broke up, letting you give up your flat on an "experiment" to see if he wanted to live with you or not. This is not a nice guy OP, move on and block him

OurChristmasMiracle · 21/07/2022 13:48

Yuk he’s objectifying you- even the his property conmen is gross tbh- you were never his property and never owned by him. He did you a favour and it’s best you are no contact with him. Stay no contact because believe me you will get over him much quicker

Vikinga · 21/07/2022 13:48

He sounds vile! You're well rid of him even if it hurts now

Annoyedwithmyself · 21/07/2022 13:51

Keep posting if it's helping you work through this.

Hes a dick. He was entitled to end the relationship but it was unforgivable to let you give up your flat and then make you leave so soon. He would have had that in mind well before you moved.

You're not his property. That's a grim way for him to talk about you.

It is also inappropriate to talk about your attractiveness etc when he ended things and you are heartbroken. If he was decent he would have refrained from saying things like 'I will never find anyone as fit as you'. It is deliberately reinforcing that things are over whilst being lecherous about you because he could.

You can do better.

Original poster
shelly101x · 21/07/2022 13:51

It’s hard because during the actual relationship he was very loving, caring, supportive and kind. I can’t think of anything he really did wrong during our relationship, I just wasn’t doing well mentally :/

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 21/07/2022 13:57

shelly101x · 21/07/2022 13:51

It’s hard because during the actual relationship he was very loving, caring, supportive and kind. I can’t think of anything he really did wrong during our relationship, I just wasn’t doing well mentally :/

Apart from making you homeless? After eight days of living together? Thats not kind or supportive.

why are you defending him? He treated you awfully.

Original poster
shelly101x · 21/07/2022 14:21

Yeah the way it ended was awful, completely out of the blue. He used to communicate that it was draining him to be fair, but said he’d never leave. Watched me move out my flat, and we booked a holiday 3 days before too!

But before this, he was a diamond to me. So it’s tricky to see past that.

OP posts:
onlinedatingsucks · 21/07/2022 14:27

Keep posting if it's helping you work through this.

Yes, OP, keep posting if it helps. Ignore the people commenting otherwise.

I think you should give yourself more time to heal after this break up. If you are meant to be, you will come together again, but for now, try to put him to the back of your mind and stay focussed on you. You are making lots of great strides. It will get easier, I promise. As you as you start to think about him, get up and move around, go for a walk, call a friend etc. Hang in there.

Original poster
shelly101x · 21/07/2022 14:30

Thanks so much @onlinedatingsucks I’ve only done a couple of posts but just wanted to seek some advice as my friends are pretty biased, haha! Thank you for being kind xxx

OP posts:
Onlyforcake · 21/07/2022 14:35

He wants to get laid still. Sorry I suspect you're better off without as for the "prperty" comment I'd have probably thrown up all over him. Awful misogynist.

Dotjones · 21/07/2022 14:35

I don't think he was being disrespectful, it sounds more like he was trying to boost your confidence by saying he still finds you attractive physically - that's the way men think sometimes, because they see looks first and personality second. It's unfortunate the way it's panned out but it's your choice whether you keep the door open for him going forward, perhaps he'll realise what he has lost.

It's perfectly normal to take your time in getting over someone. The advice that gets thrown around is that you need a month for each year you were with someone, but in my experience it can take a lot longer than that. You go through all the stages of grief - denial, anger, despair, bargaining - and sometimes you have to go through each stage multiple times. It can take years, so don't feel bad if it's been a month and you don't feel you've got through it yet

katieg03 · 21/07/2022 14:36

Disrespectful is maybe not the right word... But to me it sounds like he was trying to get laid. He was maybe encouraged by the vibes you gave him but he has been cruel. Block him and move on. Find someone that treasures you

Shgytfgtf111 · 21/07/2022 14:46

He knew exactly what he was saying to you and thought that boosting your confidence would make it more likely you would sleep with him probably.

That 'property' comment shows exactly how lowly he actually thinks of you.

I understand you are devastated and grieving for the relationship but he broke up with you a week after you moved in and were booking holidays. Sounds like a right tool.

Original poster
shelly101x · 21/07/2022 15:39

Thank you, it’s almost like I didn’t recognise him at the end because he was so respectful and loving right until the end 🥴

OP posts:
JohannSebastianBach · 21/07/2022 15:57

It's only been a month since you broke up, why do you think you should be OK by now? That's no time at all.

Original poster
shelly101x · 21/07/2022 16:02

I’ve had breakups in the past and I’ve never felt this bad 4 weeks in. Or I was at least up and down - this is just a constant downer and he doesn’t leave my mind!!!

OP posts:
Brefugee · 21/07/2022 16:03

Block him on social media if he won't unfollow you. It is bonkers to let him see what you're up to.

You need to be in a much better headspace before you start another relationship i think, give yourself plenty of time. Are you seeing a therapist about your anxiets?

It feels like the end of the world now, but you will get over it. Nobody can know how long it will take though. (you will get over it, because he sounds like a bit of a knob and you'll realise that eventually)

Original poster
shelly101x · 21/07/2022 16:30

I am seeing a psychologist twice a week yeah. I’m trying really hard to correct my errors but a lot of guilt at the moment due to how I acted. No chance I’m going to jump into anything with anyone anytime soon - nowhere near ready!

OP posts:
Ontomatopea · 21/07/2022 16:33

“damn, not my property anymore” this isn't at all respectful. You are not an animal to own.