Was my ex disrespectful?

[shelly101x]

Everyone is telling me different opinions so thought I’d post here!

I was broken up with one month ago. It’s been awful. I wake up every single morning feeling sick, heart racing, and checking my phone - being sad about my notifications being empty. I’m still not really eating, and I just can’t believe people feel better after a month. I don’t think he’s left my mind for a second.

I pushed him away due to my anxiety and inability to enjoy the moment with him. I was so wrapped up in my own insecurities and unhappiness that in the end I drained him and pushed him away. I’m really trying - I’ve got a psychologist twice a week, I’m going to the gym, I’ve booked some holidays but honestly nothing is working.

I moved into his house 8 days before, as he said he was 100% certain about our future lol. I had to move out and go back to my parents as I had given up my flat. He said he only moved me in as he thought I’d be “less needy” and we’d “break up otherwise”.

BUT here’s what I’m unsure about.

We went no contact straight away, but he has not unfollowed me. I bumped into him last week at a festival. He said he was happy to see me smiling again and proud of me, but it’ll never happen again as he’s not in the headspace and needs to be on his own for now.

BUUUUT he kept making comments about how good I looked, kept staring at me and holding my gaze. Making jokes like “damn, not my property anymore”. How he’d never find anyone as fit as me. And how he missed some inappropriate things lol and how fit I am. Felt kinda shit seeing as we were so loving and now im just sort of a body to him.

I got my hopes up as I thought great, feelings are still there. But a lot of my friends say that it was disrespectful, after the loving relationship we had, that all he said was comments about my body etc. He said some really inappropriate things.

We haven’t spoken since. He asked to let me know if I got home safe. I did and he replied “was good to see you smile again x”. I didn’t reply.

Now I still really want him back but, should I be angrier than I am?

Yeah I mean he’s always been jokey and flirty but I was still quite shocked

He's glad you're looking well, not because he's still interested in you, but because he now believes you're OK and he won't give you another thought.

I know its really tough, but you just have to keep going. You're doing the right things when you book nice things to do, when you take exercise etc. There's no magic number for the amount of time it'll tak, but the passage of time will help

Oh yeah he also made a point to tell me he’s been at a rave every weekend since we split. Like ok cool…?

You need to just stop all contact with him tbh. If he contacts you block him. Delete his number. Change your number if needs be.

You've posted about this before, and the advice is just the same as last time - you need to stay no contact, no matter what he said or did at the festival. He's told you there is no future between you and you can't change that. It's understandable you'll feel angry right now, you'll experience a whole range of emotions while dealing with your heartbreak, but it's over and the only thing that will help you is time and space.

I know I already posted. I’m just seeking help that’s all. And I’m not in contact with him this was all at the festival. I have not reached out since and neither has he

From your previous threads, and now this one, you seem to be absolutely fixated on that fact that everything about him is great and the break up is totally your fault. That if you had been less needy you would still be in the amazing relationship with this fantastic bloke. Relationships don't work like that, with one person always being in the wrong, with a break up being 100% their fault. The two of you did not work in a relationship together.

You can't just wave a magic wand and suddenly become this supremely secure non needy person. You may be able to improve the way you deal with your insecurities and neediness and dare I say it, obsessions, for the next relationship. But I doubt if you could have improved enough to keep this last relationship going. What if you had a bad day and weakened and asked for reassurance? He would flip and chuck you out again. You need to be with someone who can be more tolerant of the way your doubts and insecurities play out in your behaviour. It's not him.

I know you’re absolutely right. Sorry it’s just been so hard because even the day before he was saying things like he’s desperate for it to work and he’s not going anywhere. We were saving for a mortgage. Within 24 hours I was back in my parents house with nothing 🥲 it’s just taking me so long to get past it

You sound like hard work (sorry) and he sounds like a headfuck.
It's the worst combination and for the sake of your own mental well-being and self-respect, you need to move on.

Thank you x

Keep posting if it helps you OP but maybe update your current threads instead of starting new ones over two sections?

Which is why he is the wrong one for you. If he can say those words one day and the next flip then his words mean nothing. It's so easy for us to hear those words and want to believe them. They are words that make us feel secure, content, reassured, we want to be wrong about our doubts and those words show us that we are. But they are phantom words. The pretence of something real. It's the old cliche of paying attention to actions not words.

I've been here, I get it. What helped me was the realisation that not everyone has the same genuine intentions you have. Him saying he was desperate for it to work probably came across to you that he would do anything for you and the relationship, but he had probably already checked out and was trying to convince himself or having an internal battle with himself. Booking a holiday for you could have been a loving gesture and something to look forward to, but for him a last ditch attempt to salvage something or going through the motions and doing it for the sake of it or to make you happy when it wasnt what he really wanted. Moving in together clearly wasn't what he wanted, as much as that hurts it just wasn't for you to be moving out a week and a day later. You were invested and thinking this was your forever person, but he had checked out long ago and was hanging on by a thread for whatever reason, because he liked you, convenience, whatever, and as soon as you made the move and were then living together reality hit and he wanted out. All of that could be wrong of course, noone knows how he truly thinks or feels apart from him, but you need to try to not sugar coat everything and remember him and the relationship as this amazing thing that only went wrong because of your issues, because that's one thing that is definitely not true. Human beings in general are selfish creatures and do things to protect and serve themselves, thats not a bad thing, its self preservation, but you need to realise that just because you view something a certain way and are acting honestly, doesnt mean it is reciprocated no matter what impression the other party gives. The other thing that helped me is realising its out of your control. You can't control how he feels, what he says, what he does, how he thinks, what he does next or even if you will hear off him again, all you can control is how you react and how you handle your own life and right now you are spiralling and you need to put yourself first before you end up any worse off. Just tell yourself 'whatever'. Easier said than done I know but whatever, what will be will be. The final thing is that your brain plays tricks. In situations like this your brain is your own worst enemy because it is in withdrawal and doing all it can to get a 'hit' of the feel good hormones. So it will tell you hes amazing, that youre crap, that you need him and want him and to contact him just because it wants that dopamine hit. So just ignore it, it WILL fade with time. He might come back, he might not but I hope if he ever does your stronger and recovered enough from the heartbreak to see your worth and realise that he really isn't the amazing person you are painting him to be and how your brain is chosing to remeber him and he definitely doesn't deserve you.

He has pulled out the rug from under your feet because he made a mistake asking you to live with him. I can see there are faults on both sides here but you can't erase facts. He made you homeless.
This is where you should concentrate your emotions on. He kicked you out knowing you had nowhere to go. How you can even bear to be in his company now is beyond me. Showing him you still care is tantamount to you laying on the floor and asking him to stamp on you which is what he has already done really

@YouDoYouHun absolutely spot on

Being dumped from a height is absolutely brutal, and can take ages to get your head around. You've got all these synapses in your brain firing off in one direction, and it can take a while to re route them. It will happen but you have to literally re train your brain. Years and years ago a mate lent me this book and while it's not a magic wand, it's defintely worth a couple of quid.

Meanwhile you can do yourself a massive favour by blocking him on all social media, deleting his texts from your phone and blocking and deleting his phone number. This will help you get out of waiting mode, humans don't do well in limbo. These small actions will give you the room you need to take the first steps to getting over it, and then day by day you will build on it until one day you will realise you haven't thought about him for days.
You also need to stop looking for the WHY, stop going over the things you said and didnt' say, looking for the reason. It doesn't matter. He's made a decision and you have to respect that. He's made it clear you're now good for a shag but nothing more. You do with that info what you will, personally I'd use that and decide he's not what you want either. You're going to be ok.

Thank you ❤️