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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

SIL interfering in her brother's marriage

47 replies

wednesdaywoman · 21/07/2022 12:22

Wow. Just found out my SIL had given my DH a number of a woman he might like to date. This was only six weeks after DH and I separated. Looks like she was also encouraging him to make some legal changes which could have left me in a difficult situation.
DH and I since rekindled. What I've just found is an historic finding. Nevertheless I feel like I never want SIL to come to our house anymore. When we separated it was because of his cheating. At that time we had been together over 30 years and I've known her for longer than that. I always thought we got on reasonably well but it feels like she jumped at the first sign I might be out of the picture.
AIBU? I'm actually feeling betrayed all over again.

OP posts:

MolliciousIntent · 21/07/2022 12:23

It sounds like her loyalty was to her brother, and she was acting in what she believed to be his best interests. I don't think you can fault her for that.

Shoxfordian · 21/07/2022 12:25

She was on her brother’s side when she thought you were separating which is normal imo

I don’t think this is about you

Icanstillrecallourlastsummer · 21/07/2022 12:25

MolliciousIntent · 21/07/2022 12:23

It sounds like her loyalty was to her brother, and she was acting in what she believed to be his best interests. I don't think you can fault her for that.

This.

There is zero point in carrying resentment about this. Your SIL's loyalties were to your DH not to you, and that is understandable, even if disappointing. I guess it's worth bearing in mind that this is the case, but there is no point in dragging up the past or letting it cause conflict.

Sugarplumfairy65 · 21/07/2022 12:27

I'd cut the bitch off in a heartbeat

frazzledasarock · 21/07/2022 12:29

I’d keep her at arms length.

she doesn’t like you and was trying to cause you harm financially (from what you say about legal changes).

id be polite and very frosty with her. And remember she’s not your friend.

Original poster

wednesdaywoman · 21/07/2022 12:37

This may be relevant or not but she said to him that I was 'never right for' him. Which I don't really understand because we had been together all that time. There was no hint of her supporting either of us toward a reconciliation.

OP posts:

Kitkatcatflap · 21/07/2022 12:55

Her loyalty may lie with her brother but that was harsh given the length of time your lives have been entwined. I would be keeping her at arms length and definitely not confiding in her anymore.

I am a bit petty, so I would also passively aggressively let her know that l knew what she had said but you don't HAVE to do that .......

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 21/07/2022 13:01

I think your update is worse than your OP.

Encouraging him to move on or put his financial interests first is still a bit interfering but understandable.

Telling him that you were never right for each other anyway, is much more of a kick in the teeth in my opinion and I think most people would be hurt by that

How do you know that though, has your husband told you what she said? And if so, why?

Thingsdogetbetter · 21/07/2022 13:32

Where are you getting all this info about what SIL said and did? From him I presume?

Ever thought he might have an agenda? That she was responding to things he said, and he's feeling guilty so laying the blame on her? Or he cheated and lied after 30 years and now he's back and getting you to direct your anger at her instead of him?

Polimolly · 21/07/2022 13:41

wednesdaywoman · 21/07/2022 12:37

and why is your husband telling you that? is he trying to make you feel insecure?

PurpleDaisies · 21/07/2022 13:45

Why would she be sticking up for you? She’s your husband’s sister.

StClare101 · 21/07/2022 13:48

I reckon it was actually him that thought/saiid/did these things and he’s looking for a scapegoat. He cheated on you so he’s already shown you he’s untrustworthy…

nca · 21/07/2022 13:52

She's his sister. Blood's thicker and all that. What did you expect?

IRunbecauseILikeCake · 21/07/2022 13:53

MolliciousIntent · 21/07/2022 12:23

It sounds like her loyalty was to her brother, and she was acting in what she believed to be his best interests. I don't think you can fault her for that.

I actually really agree with this.
My brother and I are very close, and would confide in each other about our relationships. If I thought he was unhappy and he was separating from his partner, I'd want to support him and boost his morale too.
I know this is tough for you, but I don't think she would have done it to spite you. Mote to try and help him.

PeekAtYou · 21/07/2022 13:57

It's very common for siblings to side with their sibling rather than their spouse.

However now that you know what she really thinks of you, yanbu to cool the relationship. I would be embarrassed and angry that I was more invested but now that I've had my eyes open, I would stop putting myself out there for her. Eg leave your h to sort Christmas and birthday gifts (even if he forgets), not host her at your home etc

AryaStarkWolf · 21/07/2022 13:58

Whilst I agree to point with the PPs who said that she's going to be loyal to her brother, i also think after 30 years together (and him being a cheater) 6 weeks for her to start trying to make sure you were cut out of his life/setting him up with other women/trying to con you out of money you would be entitled to is a bit crass and disrespectful

GordonBennetttt · 21/07/2022 13:58

I get it, it's her brother, her loyalty lies with him etc etc.
But that doesn't mean yabu for feeling pissed off about it. I would too. I'd keep her at more than arm's length and wouldn't see her unless I had to (family gathering or something).

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 21/07/2022 14:00

Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer...

Be civil, friendly, even welcoming. But don't trust her and definitely never confide in her!

rwalker · 21/07/2022 14:01

You were separated I would do the same in a heartbeat for any of my siblings .

Dweetfidilove · 21/07/2022 14:03

The more important question is why your husband is pitting you against his sister.

I know my parents and siblings would take my side in any breakup. They'd chastise me for cheating, then support me in moving on.

Sound like distraction to me, none of this information makes the path to reconciliation smoother. He's just trying to make out he's on your side for some reason.

Testina · 21/07/2022 14:06

How have you found this out?
If he told you, I’d concentrate on that, not that it happened in the first place.
Did he start to act on her legal advice? If he did, and it was unfair to you - then I’d be wondering why exactly I’d taken this cheat back.

Bunty55 · 21/07/2022 14:09

There must be more to the story. She is not your friend or ally and he is still a cheater. You can't erase that from anybody's history

HollowTalk · 21/07/2022 14:09

Maybe she's right - a cheat isn't right for you.

Did he have a full affair?

Tiani4 · 21/07/2022 14:11

Well, you know where you stand with your SIL now.

I can't see how knowing she said that won't affect your friendship with her (are you sure DH isn't spinning you a line?)

Original poster

wednesdaywoman · 21/07/2022 14:12

Thingsdogetbetter · 21/07/2022 13:32

Where are you getting all this info about what SIL said and did? From him I presume?

Could be but I highly doubt it. He had mistakenly taken a screenshot photo of part of a messaging thread with her and I found it when I was sorting through our google photos today. Yeah you could argue he left it there for me to find I suppose but it's a bit of a reach. I've already directed lots of anger towards him plus I wouldn't have had access during the period we were separated so nothing to gain from planting it.

OP posts:

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