SIL interfering in her brother's marriage

[wednesdaywoman]

Wow. Just found out my SIL had given my DH a number of a woman he might like to date. This was only six weeks after DH and I separated. Looks like she was also encouraging him to make some legal changes which could have left me in a difficult situation.
DH and I since rekindled. What I've just found is an historic finding. Nevertheless I feel like I never want SIL to come to our house anymore. When we separated it was because of his cheating. At that time we had been together over 30 years and I've known her for longer than that. I always thought we got on reasonably well but it feels like she jumped at the first sign I might be out of the picture.
AIBU? I'm actually feeling betrayed all over again.

It's one thing supporting your brother but quite another to advise him on how to financially stiff you when the reason you're separating is because of his cheating!!

I'd fuck her right off.

Why is your “DH” telling you this anyway?

I would also be annoyed if I were you. Regardless of him being her brother, she needs to keep her beak out of it.

How do you feel with regards to his cheating?

This.

🚩It's a red flag.

Some people especially those who lie, cheat and abuse deliberately pit you against others.

It is more likely he discussed with his sister how your relationship was going and what he wanted to do, and being agreeable she just agreed with him.

What's your DH telling you all this for? It's just stirring trouble.

He didnt take her legal advice anyway and people are right about knowing where I stand now.

Exactly. This is what I was trying to say earlier. Of course a sibling is going to be on the side their brother but encourage them to try and con the wife of 30 years who was cheated on by said brother out of money? That's pretty low behavior. Also, if my brother did that cheated on his wife of 30 years, yeah I'd still support him in the fall out but I wouldn't support him trying take even more advantage of his wife, part of being a good friend to your family is to also tell them when they're in the wrong imo

This is the most hurtful thing from her from my pov. Like all those years count for nothing. But at least I know where I stand now. I won't be helping her ever again. She has form for affairs and she confided in me a secret which DH nor her own mother knows. She told me not to tell them so I won't but I won't ever be listening to her again.

I would tell her you saw the messages telling your DH to con you out of money and say that was brave of her considering that secret you don't want her darling brother know........leave at that, let her sweat about whether you're going to tell them

Not sure if this relevant to you but in my FOO, my mother and both her siblings are/were serial adulterers in their marriages. Cheating was common knowledge throughout the family, everyone knew apart from the poor unsuspecting spouse. It made me very uncomfortable being round them when I knew what they were up to but they didn't see anything wrong with it, their moral compasses were non existent. Total lack of empathy and decency.

It was shocking how they actively colluded and supported each other's cheating whilst pretending to be friends with their inlaws. When the marriages imploded because of the adultery they were ruthless in advising and supporting any scheme to ensure the other party left with as little as possible. The shutters came down on the ousted spouse.

If your husband has this type of dynamic going on in his family, I would be very wary of trusting any of them, including him. As you have discovered you are easily discarded regardless of longevity and history.

So you're willing to forgive your DH for shagging someone else, but not willing to forgive SIL for giving him someone's number? I don't really get it tbh, sorry.

Just what I was going to write. Your husband was the one who actually cheated, yet you focus your anger on his sister.

Well, she will always be his sister, not yours, and now you know where she stands. She will always have his best interests at heart, never yours, and I sort of get that. I just wouldn't bother with her anymore, polite and distant is the way forward

I think because you've re-kindled (good word!) of course you're wanting to forgive/excuse/ pardon DH. But (understandably) you still have a lot of underlying mistrust, anger and blame , which you're unconsciously redirecting onto his sister. Because that's a less dangerous place to aim it, than at the person who REALLY messed with your marriage.

You've retrieved a long relationship with DH because it was good enough to be worth saving. .. ..

so now you know it's possible to do the same with his sister. TELL her what you're feeling about what she did, and ask her to help you start again.

@wednesdaywoman

Sorry, if you've always had a reasonably friendly relationship with this woman, then I'd be inclined to wonder what exactly your cheating husband has been TELLING her over the years about you. It might not be pleasant.

I would be FURIOUS with my brother if he cheated on my SIL.

Tread carefully OP. The point about what he might have said to her is a good one. Where else in the family may feelings towards you be threadbare? And is she right? HAS she spotted that her brother has not really been into your marriage or as happy as he might have been?

Who initiated the rekindling?

How long ago did the separation and re-kindling happen?

Her own affair history explains why she would minimise and explain away his behaviour.

I understand why people are asking me why I'm questioning SIL rather than DH. Basically, because I've worked through the original betrayal but this new finding feels like a new betrayal. It's not that I'm directing anger at SIL which should be directed at DH. This is new anger, being let down in a way I didn't think would happen after knowing someone for so long.
@Dacquoise thanks for your thoughts as it gives me another angle on it and you could be right about this as there have been other family members who have had affairs.
I've further thought that she might have regretted speaking so freely to me and that it would benefit her if I were no longer around as I know a little too much.
I'd never asked her. She had always volunteered the information. I got the feeling she was almost a little proud of her 'conquests'.
Thanks to the person who said to wonder what DH has said to her over the years. I think this is also something I need to get clear with him. Her stinking attitude would be more understandable if I had been painted in a bad light.
I dont think he would make things up about me and I dont think he would slag me off.
This has helped in seeing there might be something more to it.

I still stand by what i said earlier but I had these thoughts too actually. People don't just turn on people. She's got idea you weren't right for each other from somewhere.
You're a more forgiving woman than me OP, as I'd tell him to gtfo if I was in your shoes.

I always wondered if she knew that he was cheating long before I found out. I asked her direct if she had known and she said she hadn't known. She wasnt furious with him at all when it came out. She was very matter-of-fact. I put that down to her own history of cheating but maybe she wasn't furious at him because she had already found out in the past (and maybe told him off at the time). By the time I found out it about it, it was obviously old news to her so would be natural for her to think it ok for him to move on to dating someone new. She couldn't see it from my pov, obviously.

DH instigated the re-kindling.

The fact remains that he cheated on you and then she found him the number of a woman to hook up with.. was this after the OW had kicked him to the kerb OP?

If so, they are both a pair of twats,

They are both awful