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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like I should just quit my job

42 replies

majormumma · 21/07/2022 05:44

Went back to work when DC 2 was 10 months. 3 days per week in an office job. DC and I have had every illness under the sun and time off from work. Starting to resent the guilt that I feel constantly taking sick days to look after DC.
enjoy my job and money is ok, I take home enough to buy the kids clothes/ take them out and some money for socialising myself. DH said I should leave so I can be around for DC more. DC who I’ve recently left to return to work screams every time they’re left with childminder which breaks my heart although is fine once in. I have so much drive to continue working but I just feel like I’m falling out of love with the corporate world I’m in. I don’t have anything lined up. Has anyone quit and started up their own business from home and made it work with two DC? Or have you regretted leaving? What are you doing now? A family member is a VA and seems to be doing great but said it’s pretty swamped since covid.

OP posts:
Motnight · 21/07/2022 06:17

But you would still need childcare if you started your own business from home surely?

Nappyvalley15 · 21/07/2022 06:21

A lot of what you describe is hard now nut but will pass with time.

Do you actually want to give up your job? Is now a good time to start your own business?

Don't feel you have to quit work. If you have a decent childminder, your baby will be fine.

Nappyvalley15 · 21/07/2022 06:23

Ignore the strap 'nut'. Not sure how it got there. :-)

Original poster
majormumma · 21/07/2022 06:32

I know probably now isn’t a great time but lately it really has been one thing after another and I’ve had so much time off work. I just feel like I’m fighting the tide all the god damn time.
Agree yes that I’d need childcare if I was to do my own thing but maybe it’d be more flexible. Luckily work are very supportive of me but the guilt is eating away at me

OP posts:
Redlorryyellowlorryblue · 21/07/2022 06:34

Is your DH sharing the sick days? Can he do drop offs?

comealongponds · 21/07/2022 06:34

Does DH do his fair share of covering DC sick days?

Original poster
majormumma · 21/07/2022 06:37

So no DH hasn’t been. He earns double what I earn and doesn’t get paid if he takes the off as he’s self employed. We have had a recent agreement that he’ll help when I have things on at work that can’t be moved.

OP posts:
Original poster
majormumma · 21/07/2022 06:38

DH leaves for work at 6am so cannot help with drop offs

OP posts:
bjjgirl · 21/07/2022 06:46

Stay in you job, share the sick days, these will pass.

Luredbyapomegranate · 21/07/2022 06:54

Knock off the guilt not the job. They are clearly happy with your work, so that’s no reason to quit.

It’s not sensible not to have some money of your own. It’s strange you husband is encouraging you to quit to be more around for DC - you are only working 2 days a week! You enjoy your job and a couple days away from you is stimulating for DC.

Don’t kid yourself you can just randomly start a business and make some money. You need a solid idea and a proper business plan, and you need to do it alongside your job till it takes off.

All in all just calm down and get on with it. Some independence is good for you, there’s a cost of living crisis on, and your husband isn’t thinking of you when he encourages you to quit - he’s either thinking of an easy life for himself or being a bit controlling.

Pippa12 · 21/07/2022 07:04

I wouldn’t give up work if you enjoy it and your employers are supportive even after taking time off sick. Good employers who understand the constraints of family life are few and far between.

To be brutally honest it sounds like your husband needs to share the load a little. If you feel guilty about sick days/ drop offs he really needs to help you out.

Men earn more because as women we do the lions share of drop offs, pick up’s, sick days. As my children have gotten older I’ve realised how I’ve enabled my husband to soar in his career. We are also at the stage where he earns almost triple what I do, despite me being the bread winner before children. I allowed this as I saw it as my ‘role’ in the house, enjoyed it really. But as I see my ex students surpass me in the workplace, I do wish I’d of pushed my husband harder to take some of the load so I too could have reached my full potential in a timely manner.

Original poster
majormumma · 21/07/2022 07:04

i know you’re right but with every illness under the sun lately one after the other and I just feel like I’m so unreliable at work, I do need to get outside of my head.
DH knows I’m stressed with juggling everything and his suggestion was to quit, just that. He said I should get an evening job to fit around family life and if I earned more he’d do that. Think he forgets I put my career on hold having children

OP posts:
Procrastination4 · 21/07/2022 07:07

Don’t quit! Things will get better on all fronts, and, if you enjoy your job and your employer isn’t giving you hassle over the fact that you’ve had to take time off as a result of sickness (that’s been pretty much par for the course for the past two years with covid, for so many people) stick with it. When your children are of school
going age, chances are that you’ll be very glad you have your job. As for having more flexibility if you give up and start your own business-your husband is self-employed, yet he doesn’t seem to have much flexibility, does he! Speaking as someone who’s about to retire this year, and as the daughter of a mum who worked full time when I was growing up (pretty unusual in those days) don’t give up work because of a few “bumps in the road” at the moment. These will pass and life will get back on a more even keel. Having an income of your own is invaluable in these uncertain times.

FunDragon · 21/07/2022 07:09

Sorry if I’m being slow but what is a VA?

Anyway, only you can really know whether you can afford to quit, but remember the cost of energy is going to increase by 64% in October. Food prices will increase alongside that. Interest rates will increase (meaning your mortgage payments may increase if you’re not on fixed or your fixed term expires). Depending on what you want to sell, starting a business is tricky at the best of times - even trickier in dire economic conditions. I honestly think unless your DH is making mega bucks in a recession-proof business you’d be daft to pack your job in now - your finances could look very different in 6 months’ time.

nca · 21/07/2022 07:10

Don't quit your job.

This time will pass. Honest.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 21/07/2022 07:13

Ask him what evening work will earn more money? Sounds like he’d love it if you quit, it will reinforce his idea that at home bringing up kids is your role while simultaneously being able to chide you for not earning money.
Don’t quit.

Fireflygal · 21/07/2022 07:16

He said I should get an evening job to fit around family life and if I earned more he’d do that. Think he forgets I put my career on hold having children

Then you would be working all day with the children AND evenings. If you have a supportive employer, stay as it's extremely rare.

This will pass and it will be worth it in the end. Unfortunately no woman should rely on her husband for income.

SunThroughTheCloudsAt6am · 21/07/2022 07:16

Don't quit - it limits so much. This is just a tricky spot.

Where can your DH step in - if he's leaving at 6, does he knock off earlier in the afternoon and can do pickups - especially once the kids are at school?

What can you delegate - dinners - can he cook those, or do the washing or generally pitch in more with the day to day?

I thank my lucky stars I held on, despite it feeling like DP was doing everything possible to put everything on me - it's given me choice and flexibility that I wouldn't have had if I'd just stopped working (even though that would have been the easier route at the time, by a long margin).

And I understand the screaming drop-offs, my youngest was the same, and it takes more of a toll than someone who hasn't had to do it realises - I had to sit in the car for a moment and gather myself every day after leaving a 2 year old, crying and begging me not to leave him so I could work.

quokka5 · 21/07/2022 07:19

If you quit your job and then for some reason your husband can't work you will have no income at all. Same scenario if your marriage broke down. I believe fear shouldn't stop you from doing what you want but you like your job, and you wouldn't be quitting to follow your dreams. Just some things to consider.

Original poster
majormumma · 21/07/2022 07:27

Thanks for your messages, you’re right I’m very lucky to have a supportive employer and I think my husband does genuinely believe that my work isn’t anywhere near as important as his. Telling somebody to quit their job because they’re stressed just felt like he was incredibly flippant about what I do. He works in construction, is usually home by 4. I cook but he does help clean. I do drop off and pick up and I can’t see that changing. As I say we now have an agreement in place whereby he will take sick days too he agreed 5 a year when I have to work.

OP posts:
WifeMotherWorkRepeat · 21/07/2022 07:27

Don’t leave your job, just keep going. Things will get better. It’s also a lot harder to return to the corporate world after a significant break. If you are both picking up lots of viruses then perhaps your immunity is low so look at taking some health supplements or iron tonic, get plenty of sleep and stay hydrated.
This period of time will pass and you will be glad you remained employed. Setting up your own business is not impossible but also not easy.

Brefugee · 21/07/2022 07:29

as i would say to everyone considering being a SAHP: do you have independent financial security if you do? Pension? What if you're sick? will you have access to money? will you be expected to do 100% of everything house/child related?

Don't buy into "mum guilt" - does your child's father worry about going to work?

SunThroughTheCloudsAt6am · 21/07/2022 07:40

He works in construction, is usually home by 4

Thought so. If he's home by 4, then he can do pickups - it's only fair since you're doing drop-offs.

Find ways to reduce the stress in other ways (sounds ridiculous, but meal planning took an inordinate amount of stress off me - not having to think when I was shopping or each night for dinner), don't trap yourself at home with no way out.

thinking123 · 21/07/2022 07:44

You could also look at just leaving work for a year or two. Becoming a sahp does not have to be forever

FunDragon · 21/07/2022 07:52

majormumma · 21/07/2022 07:27

Thanks for your messages, you’re right I’m very lucky to have a supportive employer and I think my husband does genuinely believe that my work isn’t anywhere near as important as his. Telling somebody to quit their job because they’re stressed just felt like he was incredibly flippant about what I do. He works in construction, is usually home by 4. I cook but he does help clean. I do drop off and pick up and I can’t see that changing. As I say we now have an agreement in place whereby he will take sick days too he agreed 5 a year when I have to work.

If he’s home by 4 why on earth isn’t he doing pick ups?