I never thought I would start a MIL thread but here we are.

[marvellousmaple]

My MIL ( who I get on very well with and who is a fab grandma ) has seriously pissed me off but as it is almost a one off I feel I should let it slide. But then I'm a resentful old cow so maybe it would be better if I said something.
Incident was that MIL was at our house this morning ( helping as she was asked due to a car issue - she is great like that) and then she asked my 10yo DS "Do you have your bag" - as they were leaving for school - "and have you put your lunch and everything in it?"
My DS answers "yep , it's there at the front door and mum packed it for me"
And then she YELLS ( and she is an ex- school principal, so she can do the loud voice really well)
"You are such a spoilt brat!" Twice.
I was a bit flabbergasted. My DH says to ignore it as she often speaks without thinking ( classic example my DS passed a very important academic test - I had been trying to play it down by saying he probably wouldn't get accepted - when I told her he had been accepted she yells ( again) "and you didn't think he'd make it" to me . My DS then comes up to me and asks "didn't you trust me to do it mum?" with a sad face. I said of course - I just didn't want to pressure you".
ANyway
WOuld it be unreasonable to ask MIL to think before she says things to her 10yo grandson as she is old and set in her ways and is super helpful and kind and loves him
OR Not unreasonable as it's not good thing to be yelled at by your Grandma.
I get it is part of her personality and she means no harm but my DS is a gentle sensitive soul and I don't think being called a "spoilt brat" by your Grandma who you love is ever a good thing.

Thank you for your thoughtful post. I will speak to DH again. FIL won't even get hearing aids event though he is virtually deaf now. He has the TV on max volume and the subtitles, it's pretty much unbearable to be in the room. I asked MIL why he doesn't get hearing aids and apparently he tried them once about 10 years ago and then went to a boxing match and almost had has ears blown up. I find this story very doubtful. He doesn't go to boxing matches. She has convinced herself is is true though and now never asks him to get them. It is part of the reason his so reclusive - he can't hear anyone talk. :(

I'd go apeshit for hitting the dog ! Never mind being nasty to your DC.

God I HATE men who don't deal with issues for an "easy life" and leave the women having to be the "bad cop". Such a wet lettuce move and never solves anything. Deeply unattractive trait of selfish avoidance rather than maturely sorting an issue out with his OWN mother.

@marvellousmaple Can I just say something about your FIL’s hearing. I use powerful high tech hearing aids. Even with them (they are very powerful) I can’t hear everything that’s said. Background noise is a nightmare. Loud sounds are painful. Phone calls are very difficult and sometimes impossible. It took me a very, very long time to adapt to them. Older people have an even harder time getting used to them. Audiologists can be very unsympathetic and unhelpful.

Hearing impaired people get sick of being told they should get/use hearing aids. They are not an easy solution, don’t anything like restore normal hearing, take a lot of work and come with a whole set of problems. It’s not at all like getting glasses, which can give you perfect vision.

They help me cope with work and other situations but I completely understand older people who don’t want to put themselves through that.

These would be the great non-brat children, one who did not shower? Your 10 year old is happy enough to talk back to his gran when he wants to and happy to visit with them on his own. I am guessing its going to be you, not your son, having the bigger problem.

Why are you so defensive and determined to find fault with your MIL when she was doing your family a favour this morning?
She managed to raise a suitable partner for you.

You are surprised that your MIL uses a raised tone to communicate when she lives with someone who is partially deaf and by your own admission a difficult personality.

Your 10yo could run screaming at you - mum don't you dare put that lunch box in my bag - because he is old enough to make up a lunch for himself.
Your son realises that he could and should be responsible for his school bag and lunch. He manages to overcome the traumatic event of being called a spoiled brat and can be trusted to get ready for school on his own.

But its not about your son, it is that your MIL is not following your and your parents social rules, and you are finding that hard to cope with.

Sounds like she has a good heart. As you seem to have a good relationship generally speaking, I think I'd just laugh and speak to ds privately about grandma's shoot from the hip way of speaking.

It will build his resilience for later in life since he, and you, know that he is loved by her.

as for the "have you lost weight" - some people think that's a messed up way of saying that you like nice

I actually think you’re downplaying some pretty horrible behaviour. It’s not ok for her to shout at your son and call him a spoilt brat and it’s absolutely not ok for her to kick your dog.

If you are worried about dementia then address that, but avoiding upset by not confronting her poor behaviour isn’t fair on your son or your dog. If your DH won’t call her out then you need to make it clear that it’s unacceptable.

I get it is part of her personality and she means no harm but my DS is a gentle sensitive soul and I don't think being called a "spoilt brat" by your Grandma who you love is ever a good thing.

Well, it could be if he IS a "spoilt brat" and his parents aren't addressing the issue.

Rubbish! Even if he was spoilt by his parents, it would still be out of order to call a child a 'spoilt brat'. As OP has outlined the circumstances that caused the grandma to shout this, the DS was not behaving in a spoilt way.

Better to prepare yourself to say something in the moment next time she says something rude rather than bringing it up later.

If you'd have just cut it off by saying something like 'I was up early and WANTED to do it so please don't shout at him like that' in the moment, it would have been over and done with.

The problem with bringing it up now she'll say you're being overly sensitive. That said, if you keep letting it go in the moment it'll fester and you might end up going to far when you do say something.

It's not easy when people take you by surprise like that and it can make you really flustered but if you can get used to speaking out instantly it will really give put her off doing it again.

Are you talking about the 11+, OP? If so, I think most people do the whole 'they probably won't get in' thing because it is so hard to get in in some places and it's just trying to manage the potential disappointment for yourself, really.

I've been doing the same with our DS as around here there over 8k kids taking the exam for 100 places. Add to that that so many people are arsey about kids doing it at all and the standard School Mum 'friends' who will be gleeful if your kid doesn't get in and I can understand why parents do it, TBH.

It wasn't you being a nob there, it was your MIL!!

How is this a one-off, if it's part of who she is?

Thank you for that info. I won't mention them again as that makes sense, I know my Grandma struggled with hers. I though they would have improved by now. How terrible because it is leaving very close to not being able to communicate!.

In Aus but I think a similar thing. Way too many applicants for a small amount of places and they are mostly 11-12. My DS is the youngest as he skipped a year (long story - due to a house move). Yes, I didn't want any expectations from the family or friends in general so really downplayed his chances. To DS I said just do your best and see how it goes. No stress either way.

Yes, I'm not going to bring it up but am going to practice saying "did you just say xxx? " something like that anyway. I will shout at her if she ever hits my dog again. I was shocked I think and was down the hall a bit and turned when I heard the noise and my poor doggie was hanging her head and slinking off under the table. If I'd seen her about to do it I would have stopped her. With this mysterious "shin condition - do shins even have nerves?" I will just keep dog out when she is next visiting. Weirdly she has her own dog who is bigger than mine . No idea how it doesn't touch her shins!

I think this is true.

Not sure what your issue is with me but I've explained as best I can and I think most people get the situation. I've actually pointed out that I get on with my MIL well. I am not determined to find fault - I've said she is great at being helpful. I was shocked by her behaviour. That's it. I've had some really helpful replies regarding several issues . You probably need to find a MIL thread where people actually do hate their MIL because I don't.

My gran was sneaky. I didn’t see her too many times because she lived far away, but starting when I was very little, about 3, she got me alone and tried to shame me about my “security blanket,” asking me in a shaming way if I wasn’t much too old for it.
Then when I was 7 or 8, we were swimming and she got me alone and tried telling me that my one-piece, little girl’s swim suit was too sexy and inappropriate. Well, she’d need to ask Mum, I guessed, because Mum bought the bog-standard suit.
I learned to just stay far away from her because she always tried to make me feel bad about myself. I look exactly like my mum & she hated my mum — other than that, I’ve no idea what motivated her to treat me so poorly.
She was a miserable piece of work.

I'm sorry about that @IDreamOfTheMoors . How awful.
Some people are just not nice , and I guess they have to be someone's relatives. Hug from me.

She is 78 has she always been at this level of rudeness or perhaps there is some age related Dementia going on. I personally take a moment to address her privately. Keep it light and say it just seemed to sound a bit harsh towards your son. She is not your sons principal and should this type of behavior continues I would remind her of that. Keep in mind no amount of “help” is worth your son being verbally abused. Good luck

I never suggested you hated your MIL, just that you expect her to comply with your social rules, and you are finding it hard to cope when she is not.

I think the phrase ‘spoilt brat’ is particularly nasty. I would pull her up on that alone. Nobody speaks to my kids like that.

In fact if you spoke to my dog like that I’d probably punch you- let alone one of the kids.