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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU in feeling let down by work?

72 replies

Snowflakewater · 20/07/2022 22:41

Me and someone else in the department left at the same time they’d been there 3 years longer than me. I’d only been there for a year. So I completely understand how much they will be missed (please don’t misconstrue this I genuinely liked that employee and I was so happy for them they truly deserve it)

In the end I felt deflated because it seemed the speeches just felt less sincere for me and I was in their shadow. He had a lovely heartfelt speech along the lines of “you were brilliant we’ll miss you so much you’re so loved etc etc and you were an asset to us anything we needed you were there for us please come back to us if you don’t like the new place. If we ever needed you you always helped us and nothing was too much of an ask”

I got “thanks for all your help you worked really hard here and we know it hasn’t always been easy thank you for the help and good luck” ( I know it’s because I wasn’t there long)

It just seemed the way it was said wasn’t as sincere but I feel like I worked so hard to do the best for everyone. Later my manager was crying with the other staff member and said “yeah you picked a shit day to leave to be honest” almost saying, the other person is more important today you won’t get thr attention. The head also stated I. Their farewell “snowflakewater is now leaving as they came in to cover for x employee” almost framing it like I left because my time was up, but they offered me an extension In January and I declined so I felt there was some sense of annoyance on their part. Others who had been there the same time as me but left for other reasons got some kinder words and also “please do return and see us if you don’t like it” I never had that? But when the contract was being offered I was seen as “ a backbone to the team”

I may not be perfect but that did hurt. I gave a lot to this place and always tried my hardest and in return I just feel I may aswell not have been there.

The head then hugged the colleage and wished them well whereas just tapped my arm and said “good luck”. In all honesty I feel it was because I turned down the job extension a few months ago that the head just turned slightly funny on me but I just really felt like I wasn’t looked upon fondly at all.

I’m definitely feeling deflated today.

OP posts:
Original poster
Snowflakewater · 20/07/2022 23:25

WGACA · 20/07/2022 23:20

100% this!

Show quote history

I guess I was just a worthless cog in the main operation. I now know that it confirmed a lot of my feelings

OP posts:
Cherryana · 20/07/2022 23:52

Not worthless! Your contribution mattered a great deal to the pupils in your classes - they got a teacher who was a specialist at a time where cover supervisors and TA’s are becoming an uncomfortable option for too many pupils.

In terms of wider school - A head has a lot of different balls to juggle and is looking for solutions to challenges - it may feel personal but it’s really not. In terms of your HOD’s passive aggressive weirdness - be like Taylor shake it off - complete with shoulder brushing 😂

Original poster
Snowflakewater · 20/07/2022 23:58

Cherryana · 20/07/2022 23:52

Not worthless! Your contribution mattered a great deal to the pupils in your classes - they got a teacher who was a specialist at a time where cover supervisors and TA’s are becoming an uncomfortable option for too many pupils.

In terms of wider school - A head has a lot of different balls to juggle and is looking for solutions to challenges - it may feel personal but it’s really not. In terms of your HOD’s passive aggressive weirdness - be like Taylor shake it off - complete with shoulder brushing 😂

I’m very emotional so I think it just hit me that I was in the shadow. But it’s okay times a good healer I’ll get over it in time!

OP posts:
MistressIggi · 21/07/2022 00:00

There are so many members of staff, I don't have the headspace to spend time missing ones who have only been there a year - I'd say thanks and wish them all the best, but a fanfare? No. That's nothing personal.

Original poster
Snowflakewater · 21/07/2022 00:04

MistressIggi · 21/07/2022 00:00

There are so many members of staff, I don't have the headspace to spend time missing ones who have only been there a year - I'd say thanks and wish them all the best, but a fanfare? No. That's nothing personal.

I honestly don’t care about gifts. No fanfare needed. But be kind and say something nice. Costs nothing

OP posts:
MistressIggi · 21/07/2022 01:01

I didn't mention gifts.
I still think you were expecting too much. Schools can be very cliquey though, you could have two people leaving after 3 years and one would get more attention than the next. So what though, you are leaving - presumably off to somewhere else where you will be happier! They are just work colleagues, you will encounter some who will be real friends over the years but most will forget you as soon as you go.

Original poster
Snowflakewater · 21/07/2022 01:13

MistressIggi · 21/07/2022 01:01

I didn't mention gifts.
I still think you were expecting too much. Schools can be very cliquey though, you could have two people leaving after 3 years and one would get more attention than the next. So what though, you are leaving - presumably off to somewhere else where you will be happier! They are just work colleagues, you will encounter some who will be real friends over the years but most will forget you as soon as you go.

I probably did. But like you said I need to take it in my stride I’m an over thinker

OP posts:
MistressIggi · 21/07/2022 01:17

You're on holiday now! Brush it off and look forward to the next 6 weeks, and a fresh start after that.

phishy · 21/07/2022 01:58

But be kind and say something nice. Costs nothing

They did say something nice Confused

They said “thanks for all your help you worked really hard here and we know it hasn’t always been easy thank you for the help and good luck”

The fact that you would compare yourself with someone who has been there 4 times as much as you is quite bemusing. A year is nowhere near enough time to establish relationships.

MouseShoes · 21/07/2022 02:00

So you didn’t want to stay working with them/there? But you want them all to be dramatic in how desperately they’ll miss you?

Hercisback · 21/07/2022 06:06

They said something nice and they were kind.

You're really overthinking this.

There is always a slightly different tone to people leaving who have been at a school longer. If you've been there longer, more and deeper relationships are formed. You get to know people better and the sense of "loss" colleagues will feel is greater. I miss people more the longer I've worked with them, that's normal.

The dedication they give will always be different but the appreciation should be similar

This is an odd sentiment too. You were appreciated by your department and head.

Ontomatopea · 21/07/2022 06:13

I understand what you're saying. It's unfortunate you left on the same day. But never mind, onwards and upwards.

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 21/07/2022 06:35

I think you are overthinking it. Here's my story. I worked at a large multi-national for 9 years (and hated it for the last few years). Decided to quit and emigrate to Australia. When I left my parting gift was a bottle of bloody Jacob's Creek! I left it on the desk when I left. Miserable fuckers!

Luredbyapomegranate · 21/07/2022 07:02

The fact that it’s bothering you indicates there’s something missing in your life

You were there for less time, and / or in a less impactful position / connected with people less.

Your send off is much more typical than your colleagues

what Actually happened is logical. So why is it bothering you? Do you want a job where you make more impact, or do you need to build up your relationship or friendships?

arrogantorwhat37 · 21/07/2022 07:04

Grow. Up

trailrunner85 · 21/07/2022 07:11

So you were in a job for a very short amount of time. You didn't want to stay and turned down an extension to the contract. By your own admission you were cool and polite with colleagues.

But you wanted them to fall over themselves hugging you and saying how much they'd miss you? That is really very weird indeed. You got a nice leaving speech which surely should've been enough. The fact that it wasn't enough makes you come across as overly emotionally invested; dramatic; and rather needy.

Ontomatopea · 21/07/2022 07:13

arrogantorwhat37 · 21/07/2022 07:04

Grow. Up

Bit.harsh

TheKeatingFive · 21/07/2022 07:16

They did say something nice.

You are choosing to move on. You weren't there for terribly long.

You're sounding a bit self involved to be honest.

Hbh17 · 21/07/2022 07:18

Most jobs wouldn't have any speeches etc - you just leave - and that's how many people prefer it to be. This is really a non-issue.

Sugarpiehoney · 21/07/2022 07:44

OP I think you might want to consider looking at where you get your self worth from? It sounds a lot like you’re expecting your place of work to provide that for you, no questions asked, because that’s how you were brought up (to respect everyone’s contribution no matter how long etc) but that’s not reality for everybody.

as long as you know you gave your all in that time period (whether it’s a week, month, year or decade) why does it matter what they think? Don’t give them all the power over your self worth.

Tumbleweed101 · 21/07/2022 07:48

There would definitely be a difference in the type of goodbye an established, long term staff member got to someone who had been there a short time, simply because they will have had more impact on both the workplace and team members by being there longer. People come and go. We have a staff member who has been there 6 mths leaving soon and it'll be a nice goodbye but she hasn't got to know us well enough to have an emotional goodbye from anyone. You'll always be the the shadow of someone who has been there longer - unless they are leaving on bad terms.

ZenNudist · 21/07/2022 07:52

I wouldn't treat a leaver of 3 years same as a leaver of 1 year. You are overthinking it. Someone leaving after 1 year in a school makes them a but part player and they are just being polite to give you acknowledgement of leaving.

MadameMinimes · 21/07/2022 08:01

What were you expecting? You were on a fixed-term contract and turned down a contract extension, presumably because you didn’t feel the school or role was a good fit for you.
People who have been in school for one year on a maternity cover or similar usually get a short goodbye and thank you, those who have been there for a number of years usually get a bit of a speech and those who are retiring after long service to the school get a special party and a bit of fanfare.
The “if you don’t like your new place come back” is usually reserved for people who have made it clear that they don’t really want to leave but are going for personal reasons or promotion. Not someone who turned down a contract extension already because they actually want to leave.

Original poster
Snowflakewater · 21/07/2022 09:20

MadameMinimes · 21/07/2022 08:01

What were you expecting? You were on a fixed-term contract and turned down a contract extension, presumably because you didn’t feel the school or role was a good fit for you.
People who have been in school for one year on a maternity cover or similar usually get a short goodbye and thank you, those who have been there for a number of years usually get a bit of a speech and those who are retiring after long service to the school get a special party and a bit of fanfare.
The “if you don’t like your new place come back” is usually reserved for people who have made it clear that they don’t really want to leave but are going for personal reasons or promotion. Not someone who turned down a contract extension already because they actually want to leave.

At the end of the day. I did what was right for me. It’s okay if they felt that way but it just seems a bit unprofessional to be very obviously annoyed I turned down an extension. I spend a lot of time at work as we all do. If I’m not genuinely happy there, I can’t sacrifice that for anyone. I felt unhappy there for a while and honestly, if I explain what happened yiud be quite suprised.

OP posts:
Anothernamechangeplease · 21/07/2022 09:26

I think you're being unreasonable, OP. The relationships that you form over a year will inevitably be different from those formed over several years. It doesn't mean that they value your work less, just that they haven't had the same amount of time to build those personal relationships between colleagues that cause people to be really missed when they leave. You're taking it personally when it really isn't.