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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you take him back?

46 replies

wedonttalkanysmore · 20/07/2022 22:08

I was with my partner for 6 years, we split due to long distance as neither of us could get a visa/work in the others country. We were long distance for almost 3 years, and saw each other 4 times a year.

We split last year during the second lockdown. I left him as I couldn't see how we could close the long distance gap.

I have now managed to get a job in his home country, and am considering moving there with the hope of rekindling the relationship. This man is the love of my life.

One thing is making me very apprehensive about moving. I haven't dated or met anyone during the time we split. He however has been very actively dating. For the past 6 months, he has been seeing a woman on a regular basis. He said they are not official, and it's just casual, but I also know that he doesn't use protection with her and she is not on any contraception. I know this because he confided in a mutual friend that this woman had a pregnancy scare (turns out was a false alarm).

He is claiming he is very much single and wants me to move, but I am really unsure as to whether this other woman is going to be in the picture or whether he genuinely is single.

I need to make a decision by Friday as my workplace need confirmation of the transfer.

AIBU - go, you got to take a risk

YANBU - the situation with the other woman seems more serious than exDP alludes to

OP posts:

ShirleyPhallus · 20/07/2022 22:11

Sorry, 3rd option:

If he didn’t live there would you want to move? What would happen practically if you went and split up, would you still make a happy life or want to come back?

Tbh it’s alarm bells slightly that he’s having unprotected sex which could very well lead to a child, but I also think that in love you should occasionally take a risk and if he’s really the love of your life AND you believe him that there’s nothing more going on with this woman AND you’d enjoy living in the country if it didn’t work out then go for it

Rec0veringAcademic · 20/07/2022 22:12

FFS. You have one (=1) life. You live it or you waste it on some random male who will sleep with whatever. You decide.

DelphiniumBlue · 20/07/2022 22:14

He's been seeing her for 6 months - does she know about you? Would you be moving in with him?
I suppose the issue is not only has he been open with you, but has he been open with her?

Quartz2208 · 20/07/2022 22:17

I think the fact that you have put

AIBU - go, you got to take a risk
YANBU - the situation with the other woman seems more serious than exDP alludes to

Speaks I think to how you are (subconsciously) leaning. Because if you wanted to go and thought it was a good idea it would be the other way round.

whereamu · 20/07/2022 22:18

I'm up for calculated risks and exciting moves but he doesn't sound like a guy who makes good decisions.
He is having unprotected sex with a woman he has been seeing for only 6 months so he is either happy to have a baby with her or is stupid.
Neither option sounds very attractive.

LIZS · 20/07/2022 22:18

On,y move if you can get a better life there independently, without him. Seems he may try to string both of you along otherwise. Have you lived and worked there before? Do you know anyone else?

ThanksAntsThants · 20/07/2022 22:18

Hell to the no.

safetylastday · 20/07/2022 22:19

Nope

pictish · 20/07/2022 22:20

No contraception? Why the fuck not? How irresponsible and bizarre. No way would I be putting my lot in for that. What else is he so laissez faire about?

cattycatty12 · 20/07/2022 22:21

Move for the job and build your own life there. If anything happens with him as a result, bonus, but don't factor him in to the decision of whether to move there or not. If the job and location works for you single, you'll be happy with him or not. Good luck!

BEAM123 · 20/07/2022 22:22

Is he is saying he is committed to you and wants you over there and to seriously progress the relationship now that you can go there?
Because if he isn't, then only go if you want to go to that country anyway or fancy an adventure and have a way to come back if you want to.
It sounds from what you wrote that things could really go either way....

Moretodo · 20/07/2022 22:22

You say he's the love of your life, are you the love of his life? He's having unprotected sex with another woman.

You don't sound confident about him.
You don't really know him that well, after only meeting some 12 times.

If you want the job and fresh start, go for it.
If you are going for him, don't. The relationship seems flimsy.

The relationship with his casual sounds flimsy too.
And you only have his word for what's going on.
Risky.

ReeseWitherfork · 20/07/2022 22:22

As it stands, you can’t move there and be with him. But you could move there and see how things pan out. Which seems entirely reasonable. Unless the only reason you’d consider moving there is to be with him. Are there no other factors? What about the job (is it a good opportunity, dream job etc.)? As PP said, could you be happy there without him?

dustofneptune · 20/07/2022 22:25

Are you sure she doesn't use any kind of contraception? Pregnancy scare could mean she does use female contraception, but still had a scare / forgot to take pill / etc.?

If he's purely the case that he's sleeping with her, unprotected, knowing she's unprotected - then no. I wouldn't want to be with him. Purely because if it is casual, that's one seriously reckless mindset he has. Or he's downplaying how serious it is. I would talk to him upfront and discuss it.

All of this being said - if you want to move to that country anyway, even for a year or whatever, to experience it? Then go for it. Depending on what you're leaving behind and how easy it would be for you to come back.

dustofneptune · 20/07/2022 22:25

*if it's purely the case

TobySpaniel · 20/07/2022 22:26

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 20/07/2022 22:32

If you really want the job and can see yourself living there and being happy? Take it.

Don't let him be part of your decision.

He may be the love of your life. I’m sorry but it doesn’t sound as though you are his if he is is actively dating and waggling an unbagged cock about.

I suspect his current lady friend may think they are serious. I suspect he isn’t being entirely honest - either with you, her or both of you.

Rickrollme · 20/07/2022 22:40

No way. Even if you had no doubt that he was fully committed to you it would still be a risk to move countries because you never know what’s going to happen. Sometimes both people are equally in love and they try their best but it just doesn’t work. Still, that is a risk that might be worth taking if you are both 100% in. But as it stands you can’t even be sure if this man is being fully honest with you. That’s not romantic, it’s a massive red flag smacking you in the face. It’s not romantic to take a risk on someone you can’t trust. A man who may or may not be telling you the truth about his relationship to another woman is not the love of your life. You are clearly hoping for a fairytale ending but you don’t even have a fairytale beginning here.

Tablechairtable · 20/07/2022 22:44

Not using protection means he doesn't I've a shit about anyone else.Take off your rose coloured glasses and don't bother.

Okeydoky · 20/07/2022 22:46

If it isn't serious with her why is he repeatedly taking the risk of having a baby with her? Or was she on the pill or something and it got mistold somewhere along the line?

pictish · 20/07/2022 22:47

Tablechairtable · 20/07/2022 22:44

Not using protection means he doesn't I've a shit about anyone else.Take off your rose coloured glasses and don't bother.

In a nutshell.

AllFreeOwls · 20/07/2022 22:48

Getting back with him? Hard no from me. He's having unprotected sex with someone he didn't seem to really care about and he doesn't really seem to care about you either. Red flag.

But, is the country somewhere where you would have a better quality of life (without him in it)? Is the move one you would be interested in if he wasn't in the equation?

Essexgalttc · 20/07/2022 22:59

I vote 3rd option too

Move for the job and re-build a life there. Take that risk, not just for him do it for YOU. Fresh start etc

Whilst I was reading your post I couldn’t help but wonder if your ex has always had feelings for you and missed your relationship and despite dating someone for 6 months he is ready to throw that away for a chance to rekindle with you because of his stronger feelings for you?

However the part about not using protection is a big red flag. I feel like being prepared to conceive is a huge thing for most couples and wait until they’re stable and ready. Seems a bit immature and plain stupid to me and then to have a pregnancy scare - well of course! If you’re not using anything it can happen

He just doesn’t seem like long term future husband material to me to be honest

Original poster

wedonttalkanysmore · 21/07/2022 06:09

Food for thought, I do need to really consider whether I can have a happy life there independently.

In response to some of the other PPs, we were together 6 years in total. I met him in his country, I was only meant to be there 1 year for a language course. Fell in love, then ended up staying an extra 2 years working on a visa. We lived together during this time and made plans for the future. At the end of the 3rd year, I had to go back to my country and the plan was long distance for 2 years until he finished his training. It ended up being 3 years due to lockdown. During those 3 years, we flew to see each other 4 times a year (would usually spend 2 weeks together each time). The only exception was after he finished his training he tried to make a permanent move and look for a job and was here for 3 months. It didn't work out as he couldn't find any work in his field that would sponsor a visa.

I could have a good life in his country, but I have a fantastic job where I am now and a really nice lifestyle. I would be going just for him. I could transfer with my current role and still have a great career, I also have many friends still in his city. So could have a great life there too.

It's the other woman that is making me nervous as I can't work out how serious it is. He can be reckless at times, so it may well be true that it is casual. They are having unprotected sex and use the pull out method, so i'm guessing pregnancy scares are regular. We never once used condoms when we were together, but I was on the pill and took it religiously.

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 21/07/2022 06:39

He sounds pretty irresponsible

I wouldn’t move to be with him unless you want an STD or to be a stepmother 🙄

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