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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you take him back?

46 replies

wedonttalkanysmore · 20/07/2022 22:08

I was with my partner for 6 years, we split due to long distance as neither of us could get a visa/work in the others country. We were long distance for almost 3 years, and saw each other 4 times a year.

We split last year during the second lockdown. I left him as I couldn't see how we could close the long distance gap.

I have now managed to get a job in his home country, and am considering moving there with the hope of rekindling the relationship. This man is the love of my life.

One thing is making me very apprehensive about moving. I haven't dated or met anyone during the time we split. He however has been very actively dating. For the past 6 months, he has been seeing a woman on a regular basis. He said they are not official, and it's just casual, but I also know that he doesn't use protection with her and she is not on any contraception. I know this because he confided in a mutual friend that this woman had a pregnancy scare (turns out was a false alarm).

He is claiming he is very much single and wants me to move, but I am really unsure as to whether this other woman is going to be in the picture or whether he genuinely is single.

I need to make a decision by Friday as my workplace need confirmation of the transfer.

AIBU - go, you got to take a risk

YANBU - the situation with the other woman seems more serious than exDP alludes to

OP posts:
NanaNelly · 21/07/2022 06:42

Op, would you be thinking of moving there I’d he lived elsewhere?

BusyMum47 · 21/07/2022 06:53

Do not uproot your entire life, career & potential future happiness on this flaky asshole! Take him out of the equation entirely. If you want you go, go. If you'd be going even partly because of him, very much don't!

Changemaname1 · 21/07/2022 06:56

Don’t do it for him do it if you like the country anyway and can build your own life

I’m confused though, after all this time apart surely the point you now have a work visa for his country at last is the point you’d get back together and he’d be beyond happy at this and ready to commit to you now it’s possible to have a future ??

But he’s not so are you sure you are the love of his life even if he is yours ? 😞

arrogantorwhat37 · 21/07/2022 07:03

Are you willing to take the risk of contracting an STI after he's been having unprotected sex?
Are you willing to revolve your life around a chap who has moved on physically, if not emotionally
Are you willing to take on any emotional stuff the OW may throw at you? Who knows her expectations of their relationship?
Have you considered how differently he may behave in his own country? I dont mean that he's going to be a monster or anything, just that we all behave differently when in the unfamiliar - he may be a different person with his friends and family

Comedycook · 21/07/2022 07:06

I would not move abroad for a man unless we were in a very very long term secure relationship or married...

SunshineAndFizz · 21/07/2022 07:11

I say go for it.

You'll regret it if you don't. He sounds like the love of your life and location was the only thing stopping you being together.

Can't blame him for seeing someone else when you broke up.

Give it a shot and you can always come home if things don't work out. But you'll always wonder if you don't try.

ILoveMonday · 21/07/2022 07:18

I think you've answered your own question OP. If you knew it was the right thing to do, I'm not sure you would be asking on here.

Fwiw, I think I've met the love of my life twice already. It turns out neither of them were.

Dotcheck · 21/07/2022 07:28

The ex is single, and allowed to date whoever he wants. OP broke up with him!
Also, his contraception method with the woman he is seeing is his business. Why OP is using what she THINKS she knows to make a decision is beyond me.

OP - only move country if you like it there, and if you could have a great life without ex.

You don’t have to make any big decisions about him now. Surely the most sensible thing is to take things slowly, and gauge the situation like you would any other relationship. You’ve been separated for awhile, long distance for years before that- just take things slow.

BitOutOfPractice · 21/07/2022 07:32

I personally wouldn’t move country for a man I’ve met two dozen times. If he’s seen the other woman twice a week for 6 months he’s seen her more than he’s seen you!

it sounds not right to me.

ILikeHotWaterBottles · 21/07/2022 09:12

If he's that reckless, he was probably shagging other women while in a relationship with you and in another country. I doubt he'd see it any differently, he seems to only care about his needs which you couldn't meet when not there.

You'd be insane to move to another country for a man who does not care about you enough. If he cared, he wouldn't be having unprotected sex with another woman. He'd have stopped shagging her now too if he thought he might get you back, I bet he hasn't.

Go if you want, for yourself. Don't go for him. He is a waste of time.

Tiny2018 · 21/07/2022 09:20

I'd be interested to know if the woman hes been seeing considers it only 'casual'.

pictish · 21/07/2022 09:22

The pull out method? Really? A grown man who is supposedly intelligent is having a casual relationship and using the pull out method?

So what happens if she gets pregnant and decides to keep the baby? One of two things I guess.


  1. He’s involved and you’re going over there to be a stepmum

  2. He turns his back and abandons his own child like a piece of shit


Pull out method. What an utter idiot.

123becauseicouldntthinkofone · 21/07/2022 09:27

ShirleyPhallus · 20/07/2022 22:11

Sorry, 3rd option:

If he didn’t live there would you want to move? What would happen practically if you went and split up, would you still make a happy life or want to come back?

Tbh it’s alarm bells slightly that he’s having unprotected sex which could very well lead to a child, but I also think that in love you should occasionally take a risk and if he’s really the love of your life AND you believe him that there’s nothing more going on with this woman AND you’d enjoy living in the country if it didn’t work out then go for it

This

Original poster
wedonttalkanysmore · 21/07/2022 09:32

NanaNelly · 21/07/2022 06:42

Op, would you be thinking of moving there I’d he lived elsewhere?

Definitely no.

OP posts:
Original poster
wedonttalkanysmore · 21/07/2022 09:35

Changemaname1 · 21/07/2022 06:56

Don’t do it for him do it if you like the country anyway and can build your own life

I’m confused though, after all this time apart surely the point you now have a work visa for his country at last is the point you’d get back together and he’d be beyond happy at this and ready to commit to you now it’s possible to have a future ??

But he’s not so are you sure you are the love of his life even if he is yours ? 😞

That is what is happening. I told him I got the work transfer and he explained that he was casually dating but would be all in if I moved and we would live together again and make it work.

OP posts:
Original poster
wedonttalkanysmore · 21/07/2022 09:37

Comedycook · 21/07/2022 07:06

I would not move abroad for a man unless we were in a very very long term secure relationship or married...

I agree with that, but he did move for me for 3 months, it just didn't work out as he couldn't get a job and noone to sponsor the visa. I feel like I owe it to him/us to try.

OP posts:
Original poster
wedonttalkanysmore · 21/07/2022 09:37

SunshineAndFizz · 21/07/2022 07:11

I say go for it.

You'll regret it if you don't. He sounds like the love of your life and location was the only thing stopping you being together.

Can't blame him for seeing someone else when you broke up.

Give it a shot and you can always come home if things don't work out. But you'll always wonder if you don't try.

This is what I am thinking.

OP posts:
Original poster
wedonttalkanysmore · 21/07/2022 09:39

BitOutOfPractice · 21/07/2022 07:32

I personally wouldn’t move country for a man I’ve met two dozen times. If he’s seen the other woman twice a week for 6 months he’s seen her more than he’s seen you!

it sounds not right to me.

We lived together for 3 years, then did a further 3 years long distance. It was during the long distance bit that we met only 4 times a year as it was a 12hr flight.

OP posts:
misskatamari · 21/07/2022 09:49

It seems risky to me, but if you do decide to go, i would say do not move in with him! Maybe further down the line, but i think it would be a big mistake to just try and jump right back in to a relationship where you live together. If you go, live in your own place, and try and make a full life there, not one where you're instantly back in a serious, cohabiting situation.

FluffyFlower · 21/07/2022 09:52

Go if the job offer is worth it, you genuinely like the location and 100% sure you won't have hard feelings if nothing works out with this man. You have to be ready to be there and not be with him

Original poster
wedonttalkanysmore · 13/08/2022 23:28

I decided to make a trip to see him to check out how we are feeling and get an idea of whether it could work again.

I am here now and it's really nice. Feels like the old times again.

I asked him about the woman he was seeing casually, and he was totally upfront and open. He showed me their messages and it's clear that he made it known to her this is casual. They actually barely communicate, all the messages just seem to be once a fortnight to arrange meeting up. Nothing in between. I am feeling a lot more confident about making the move, but is there anything else I should be looking out for?

OP posts:
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