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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I want to leave my marriage

39 replies

Kl331986 · 20/07/2022 21:47

I’ve been married 5 years, together for 8, I broached the subject of separation a few weeks ago to which my husband flipped his lid, threatened to kill himself, went from rage, disbelief to crying and begging and guilt tripped me to not end things. I’m just so unhappy, I don’t have any feelings at all. He is like a child, wont use a bank account, doesn’t have a credit history so to speak, said everything he does revolves around me and he’ll have nothing. He flies into a rage over anything, even if someone looks at him the wrong way, he’s homophobic, racist, aggressive, possessive and lies about stupid things. He won’t let me use a vehicle I own, he has now given me a set of keys and said I can use it when I want but since then has gone to work in it everyday! I found he had a password saved for a dating website and he denied doing it. I’m just stuck now in this revolving door of a miserable life and I don’t know what to do at all. I own the house so I can’t just walk out. I have a good job and he does. He claims he’ll go to anger management but it won’t change the way I feel…feeling helpless

OP posts:
Brefugee · 20/07/2022 21:53

Call his bluff and go. When he gets back from work, park the car somewhere he can't find it? He won't kill himself. And if he does, that's on him not you. You are not his emotional support human and you are not his life admin assistant.

Fimofriend · 20/07/2022 21:54

He sounds horrid

Icantbelieveitsnotnutter · 20/07/2022 21:57

Do you have somewhere to stay, a friend or family member's home? Absolutely go! He'll only grind you down deeper.

BoopTheFoof · 20/07/2022 21:59

Life's too short
LTB

Aquamarine1029 · 20/07/2022 22:00

You're the only one who can change your life, op. He's certainly not going to help you, and you're not stuck, you're just not doing anything to end it. Get yourself to a solicitor as quickly as you can and call Women's Aid. Your husband is a very abusive, dangerous man. You need to get away from him at the first opportunity. Don't waste another day.

Queenie6655 · 20/07/2022 22:04

This is outright abuse

Coercive controlling Behaviour

Get this badtard out

Call the police
He is vile

HollowTalk · 20/07/2022 22:07

Be practical. Where can you go to? Do you have friends and family nearby? Can you work from home? Do you have children together?

Marshmellow123 · 20/07/2022 22:15

Find a solicitor
Contact citizen advice
Speak to womens refuge domestic abuse helpline 08082000247
Yes you deserve happiness and peace in your life

Original poster
Kl331986 · 21/07/2022 09:50

Thank you for your replies. I do have family close by but I’m worried about bringing trouble to their door, my dad isn’t in the best of health, I literally have no close friends anymore due to him. I know it’s coercive control, as I work in an area where I speak to people who are in abusive relationships and it’s amazing it took me so long to see it. I have already spoken to a solicitor about separating/divorce and they’ve been helpful. I would like to pack a bag and have a letter delivered by them the same day so it’s there when he gets home but I know he’ll come and find me. He accused me of having an affair and said he’d kill whoever it was but there isn’t anyone else. He has told me I can sell this extra vehicle if I want but it’s never there anymore to do that, it’s worth quite a lot of money and would be classed as an asset so I would like to cash it in and split the money. I know I’m the only person that can do anything about it but I just don’t want the aggravation of it all affecting anyone else close to me.

OP posts:
Pizzawheel · 21/07/2022 09:53

If I were you (easier said than done, I know, as I’m not actually you and it’s harder when you’re in the situation) I would call womens aid and get some help and advice and go to the police station and speak to someone and see what help and options are available to you.

Fabswingers · 21/07/2022 09:54

If he kills himself that’s his decision and absolutely nothing to do with you.

Does he own the house too? If not kick him out and change the locks

Darkstar4855 · 21/07/2022 09:58

You need legal advice regarding the house and other assets. Speak to a solicitor, speak to Womens Aid, make a plan,

You’ve done the hardest part which is recognising the abuse for what it is. Don’t waste any more of your life on this arsehole.

VoiceaFromUranus · 21/07/2022 09:58

www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help

Contact the police. He has made multiple threats.

However you do it, LTB. Seriously, GO and NOW.

WaveyHair · 21/07/2022 09:58

Quietly get your affairs in order, develop an exit strategy and go. No need to discuss anything with him.

Speak to woman's aid, police, solicitors etc. make sure you are protected in every way.

RincewindsHat · 21/07/2022 10:01

Unfortunately it is not in your control as to whether or not this affects your family, because he sounds like someone who is going to do whatever he wants to get his own way and if that means going to your family then he will. Assume that it's going to happen, and let your family know what is going on so they can support you and won't be surprised if your husband gets in touch.

As PPs have said, plan for what you can foresee and then take the safest actions you can to get away from him.

Jeschara · 21/07/2022 10:12

If the house is in your name only, see a solicitor, get your affairs in order, change the locks and separate.
If he kills himself that is on him. If he causes trouble call the Police. Do you have children? If so what example is he to the children with his disgusting views.

cottagegardenflower · 21/07/2022 10:46

Contact womens aid. He sounds a dangerous man. You are in danger if you try to leave.

cottagegardenflower · 21/07/2022 10:47

Jeschara · 21/07/2022 10:12

If the house is in your name only, see a solicitor, get your affairs in order, change the locks and separate.
If he kills himself that is on him. If he causes trouble call the Police. Do you have children? If so what example is he to the children with his disgusting views.

You can't change the locks or kick him out. They are married and it's a family asset regardless of whose names on the deeds.

DrManhattan · 21/07/2022 10:49

He is abusive and yes you can just leave.

frazzledasarock · 21/07/2022 10:54

It’s a relatively short marriage without kids, I’d check legally if you can kick him out of your house and if you can do it.

the longer you leave it the more claim he gets over your assets.

Ring womens aid today and rights of women also.

Original poster
Kl331986 · 21/07/2022 11:31

The property is in my sole name and was purchased before we met, the solicitor has stated he has little to no claim due to it being a shared ownership property (they’re harder to sell) and they’d argue that when it comes to it. I do need to speak to Womens Aid, I’ve been squirrelling away money ready for this. He’s pretending everything is fine and being the model husband. He can be very charming when he needs to be. I need to give him some money but it’s just getting him to actually leave without causing lots of problems and potentially smashing the house up. His parents have an 8 bedroom farmhouse and he claims they have no room for him.

I will speak to the local safer neighbourhoods team as I am on good terms with them through work.

OP posts:
jalapenita · 21/07/2022 11:42

He won't kill himself don't let that line stop you. Even if he did that wouldn't be your fault.

Thelnebriati · 21/07/2022 11:52

I agree he sounds risky even without the outbursts. Many of the things you say he won't do sound like he is helpless; but 'helplessness' can be a form of controlling behaviour.
Talk to Women's Aid, phone the police and ask to speak to the domestic abuse team, and look into doing The Freedom Program.

Sicario · 21/07/2022 12:08

You absolutely MUST speak to the police. Men like this are at their most dangerous when the woman announces she is ending the relationship. The police are now much better trained in domestic abuse and his coercive control is now a criminal offence. They will take your details and flag your house, so that at the first sign of any trouble they will know that you are a priority call.

You can instruct your solicitor to apply for a non-molestation order which bans him from your house.

He is threatening you because it's worked before, and he believes he can control you.

KangarooKenny · 21/07/2022 12:11

He is abusive.
You need to go online now and file for divorce. There’s nothing he can do about it.
Ignore his threats, he’s no longer your problem.
Secure your money now as well. Get your own bank account if you don’t have one, easy to do online.
Do not let this man control and abuse you.

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