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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I want to leave my marriage

39 replies

Kl331986 · 20/07/2022 21:47

I’ve been married 5 years, together for 8, I broached the subject of separation a few weeks ago to which my husband flipped his lid, threatened to kill himself, went from rage, disbelief to crying and begging and guilt tripped me to not end things. I’m just so unhappy, I don’t have any feelings at all. He is like a child, wont use a bank account, doesn’t have a credit history so to speak, said everything he does revolves around me and he’ll have nothing. He flies into a rage over anything, even if someone looks at him the wrong way, he’s homophobic, racist, aggressive, possessive and lies about stupid things. He won’t let me use a vehicle I own, he has now given me a set of keys and said I can use it when I want but since then has gone to work in it everyday! I found he had a password saved for a dating website and he denied doing it. I’m just stuck now in this revolving door of a miserable life and I don’t know what to do at all. I own the house so I can’t just walk out. I have a good job and he does. He claims he’ll go to anger management but it won’t change the way I feel…feeling helpless

OP posts:
Essexgalttc · 21/07/2022 12:19

I am so sorry OP
He is being malicious and manipulative by threatening to end his life. It seems like that’s the line most abusers throw out to avoid being left.
I’d leave, ASAP.
Do you have any friends or family you can stay with as a bit of protection? If he has anger issues and is forcing you not to leave then I would really suggest confiding in friends or family and having them wait outside in case anything was to happen and to stay there for a while.

OP this man is emotionally abusive and controlling and I do worry for you if you was to stay

Summerslam · 21/07/2022 12:23

How well do you get on with his family? Can you tell them what is he is doing? Maybe they will intervene. He needs to leave as soon as possible. This isn't a marriage worth saving.

jammiewhammie65 · 21/07/2022 12:30

Put the house up for sale. Tell him it's over. Hide his car key. You take the car to work. Rally support from family and friends till house is sold. Move on and have a happy life

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 21/07/2022 12:36

Get your ducks in a row and divorce him. If he shows any violence or aggression ring the police immediately and get him removed.
Hide all your documents first somewhere else.
Get a non molestation order.
I did it and so can you.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 21/07/2022 12:37

But first go and see a solicitor and ask for legal advice. See what is available to you. It is not hopeless. I've dealt with worse. If he kills himself so what? Its not your problem.

Moonface123 · 21/07/2022 12:44

For your own safety do not announce your moves, carry on as normal but definately speak to Womens Aid, they deal with these type of issues all the time, they will be able to help you leave safely. Good luck.

midairchallenger · 21/07/2022 12:58

He kicks off, you call the police.

He threatens you or anyone else, you call the police.

You get a DVPO etc.

You're not stuck, you're making choices.

The solicitor was a big step and I was so hopeful after your last thread that you were going to see it through. As I recall your solicitor is switched on about DV, so it's about getting the right support around yourself in addition to that - Women's Aid, Freedom Programme, police, social support.

You are looking at a short term period of discomfort for a better life long term. The longer you avoid and postpone the more time you spend with discomfort. Keep it in perspective - if you exit the relationship permanently then the disruption is temporary and ends. (It only lasts forever if you keep delaying or resuming the relationship)

No point trying to reason with an abuser because he's interested in control not reason - but you know that. The cars and all his other bullshit are just a distraction from you doing what you need to do.

You are not stuck. You have choices. You can exit this and move forward.

jammiewhammie65 · 21/07/2022 13:59

midairchallenger · 21/07/2022 12:58

He kicks off, you call the police.

He threatens you or anyone else, you call the police.

You get a DVPO etc.

You're not stuck, you're making choices.

The solicitor was a big step and I was so hopeful after your last thread that you were going to see it through. As I recall your solicitor is switched on about DV, so it's about getting the right support around yourself in addition to that - Women's Aid, Freedom Programme, police, social support.

You are looking at a short term period of discomfort for a better life long term. The longer you avoid and postpone the more time you spend with discomfort. Keep it in perspective - if you exit the relationship permanently then the disruption is temporary and ends. (It only lasts forever if you keep delaying or resuming the relationship)

No point trying to reason with an abuser because he's interested in control not reason - but you know that. The cars and all his other bullshit are just a distraction from you doing what you need to do.

You are not stuck. You have choices. You can exit this and move forward.

Never a truer word written. Keep reading this. You can get out take the bull by the horns and do it

Tiani4 · 21/07/2022 14:05

If the car is in your name it isn't a shared asset- courts
don't share value of each persons car you get to keep your own. I know that because my exH had a car costing 3x mine and I got no value added due to that.

You need to get his spare set of keys from him
You can report him to police for coercive control- get advice from womens aid too, and they will remove him temporarily from your property on an incident he is shouting ah you and womens aid or NDV helpline will help you apply for an ex parte non mol and occupation order that means he cannot return

You need to log this domestic abuse . With a non mol, you can call police if he contacts you. Abusers often use threat of suicide as a means to control you and threatening "to kill people if you're having an affair" is appalling and will be taken seriously by police as it's part of coercive control as is stopping you from using your car and taking it without permission.

Tiani4 · 21/07/2022 14:08

If you can prove you bought house before marriage and that as it's shared ownership it's your only opportunity for housing, then a court is unlikely to share out the little that is in there for that asset for a short marriage as the costs of moving etc may negate any money tied up in it.

Don't forget as someone working they will look at pensions too and may decide his pension is such that it can be put against any future clans ie he has no claim on your pension and you have none on his.

Tiani4 · 21/07/2022 14:08

Shared ownership in terms of social housing HA shared ownership not shared between you two.

curlyrebel · 21/07/2022 14:47

OP, you say you don't have close friends anymore due to him, but most likely their issue is with him and not you. I'm sure if you could contact a former friend you trust, they'd be able to offer some support where you need it. Best of luck x

MollyWoppitt · 21/07/2022 15:09

It's your house so I don't understand why people keep suggesting that you should go ? I agree completely with @WaveyHair...see a solicitor, get your affairs in order then pack his things, leave them with someone for him to collect, change the locks and start divorce proceedings..don't make the same mistake I made by staying five years after I first had the chance to leave.. and if he does decide to do away with himself (which I believe is an empty threat anyway) that simply isn't your responsibility.

Queenie6655 · 21/07/2022 21:22

But he will kick off

He may try to kill you

This is the most dangerous time

Please get locks changed and non mol in place

He is awful

So sorry op
Been there 😢😢😢

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