To ask if I have been a complete idiot thinking my friends cared??

[87SPD]

So I will try to keep this as short as possible but I need to give some context here….

I have two best friends that I have known since school, we have been through a lot and grown up together. I have always accepted that I am the biggest ‘effort-maker’ in that I drive and they don’t so I do the visiting, picking up/dropping off etc. I just accept that this is the functioning of our relationship.

Around Easter, I had a nasty health scare that involved a massive first seizure and loss of consciousness. I ended up in hospital for a while and have since been diagnosed with a heart condition that requires treatment and epilepsy. Because of this I’ve had to hand over my license. Since then my friends haven’t paid me a single visit, not one of them. I have just had one or two generic messages no phone calls or anything. They are both sisters and I have no siblings so sometimes feel like an outsider but absolutely understand they will obviously be closer to one another (although they moan about one another as I guess normal sisters do)

For more context, I have very much been ‘there’ for them throughout the ups and downs in their lives, as in physically there, giving them company, going out, checking on them etc. They were both my bridesmaids when I got married but I wasn’t any of their’s (this didn’t bother me as such - suppose I was slightly and privately hurt but not enough to not ask them to be mine - they were both married before me.)

One visit would have really made my day and made me feel cared about by them. It’s been a truly frightening and uncertain period of time. We all have jobs, families, houses to run etc it’s not like I am expecting to be their priority but one bloody visit or phone call instead of a half arsed text message surely wouldn’t have been too much trouble? Their husbands drive so could drop them off and at a push they can walk to my house within 30 minutes (I am still too nervous to walk too far on my own due to the seizures which I have told them)

I have been a pushover in the past but really want to start being more assertive and not allow others to take advantage.

Am I being unreasonable to feel that it is now blindingly obvious that they are just not that into me?

at a push they can walk to my house within 30 minutes

this to me is living locally to someone!

sorry for what you’ve been through. They sound very selfish and I’d be telling them how upset you are with their behaviour

Absolutely not unreasonable. I really feel for you, I have the same situation when I had my first seizure 7 years ago and another one last year after being seizure free and getting my license back.

i realised NO ONE (aside from 4 friends who I have known since birth) was doing anything for me. Not my DH, no one. Not my mother. Not my in laws. I was holding it all up. And without me driving it all fell down. It took the seizure for me to see that and I told DH he would learn to drive or I would leave him. The friends who cared not one ounce and i have known for decades also, I haven’t spoken to them since last October.

It’s a shocking wake up call OP, especially after the shock of your seizure and coming to terms with that. I’d write them off. ❤️

They don't sound like people I'd call friends

Oh OP.. I hear you.. I 'lost' so many people I would have called friends when I had a period of ill health and then unfortunately a multiple bone breaking accident... Not one 'get well' card or even a bunch of daffodils.. (£1!)
Broke my heart really... But 5 years later I can think.. 'meh.. Their loss'..
Luckily I had other friends who did care...
I'm sorry this has happened to you... I'm sending you get well soon vibes... X

You said you all have families, do you mean you’re all married/kids?

YANBU but have you actually said any of this to them?

it’s no excuse, but a lot of people find seizures scary, and they are. you might need to reassure them that you’ve got a plan in place if one happens whilst they’re there

Sadly it seems you are correct.
You are no longer of any use.
They are bloody awful. I'm sorry.

Have you told them that you'd like a visit? If you have, then yes, they're being rather selfish. If not, perhaps do so. Sometimes people assume that if someone is unwell, then they want to be left alone and 'given space' -perhaps generalizing from situations where someone has an acute, short-term illness.

Ah I'm so sorry OP ..let em go..I've been there under different but difficult circumstances and it really showed me that some people are only there for the good times. Sending positive thoughts x

Sorry to hear you have been through a similar experience both in health and poor friendships.

I am lucky that my immediate family husband etc have been great - I do hope that your DH can now drive and helped you out!
❤️

Yes, we are all married with children

They aren't the friends you thought they were.

Sorry, OP.

I have said that I would love to see them and really need a good catch up/cheer up etc. They both said yes we will arrange something but nothing has come from it and I am at a point where I don’t want to feel like an idiot anymore.

I don’t think they are worried about the seizure as they’ve not asked any questions at all, I think it’s a case of me accepting they just don’t care and to not even be mad but just accept it if that makes sense?

Just to clarify, I have said I would love to see them but struggling to get around with not driving and being unable to walk far. They have both separately said that we will arrange something but nothing materialised, not even a ‘let me know if I can do anything’. Although it’s very obvious from my messages I’ve sent them that I would love them to come to me, I guess the fact that I am nervous to ask outright for them to visit me says it all really.

Thank you for your responses I think it just reconfirms what I deep down already know, they are not really very good friends and I just have to accept that and move on, no bitterness is felt at all just feeling hurt by it and also very stupid for having wasted so much time and energy on unbalanced relationships! 😫

Exactly this. I need to accept it and move on - thank you x

They sound like rubbish friends for not staying in touch and showing concern for how you are getting on - you deserve better.

However it sounds like the friendship was always very uneven and mostly (harsh as this sounds) based on your need for their friendship. You arranged stuff, you did the travelling, you asked them to be your bridesmaids even after they had not chosen you as their bridesmaid. I'd say it was always a case of them being happy enough to hear from you but not having any need to do so because they have other friends and siblings who are more central to their lives.

Sorry to hear you’re going through this. I have epilepsy and know how isolating it is. Feel
free to PM me if you want to chat, even if it’s just questions about the impact of the condition etc. I’ve had it 20 years and certain ‘friends’ have definitely faded away. The good ones have really stuck by me though 💜

I'm sorry. It seems that there are vanishingly few people who genuinely care about other people enough to be 'a good friend'. I wouldn't contact them again x

I’ve realised people are disappointing. DH was very unwell a few years ago and it was touch and go whether he would recover, spent a long time in hospital. Ran into my oldest friend just when he had been admitted. I told her, she said ‘oh that’s sad’ and walked away. Has never ever asked about it ever.

Another kept complaining I was visiting DH in the hospital as she wanted her DD to come to mine on play dates. The week he came out of hospital (he could not be left especially with DC) she was trying to get me to stay in her house for a full weekend because her and her husband ‘never got time alone’ and sure DH would be fine (he wasn’t, he had to go to hospital during the night). I then had to listen to her going on and on about a ‘major health scare’ her husband had shortly after. Turned out it was his terrible diet.
People are dicks.

This happened to my mom. When she was unable to drive people around, they just stopped contacting her.

Thank you for your honesty.

They have needed me very much in the past, and I have been there. They do have work friends but openly tell me that I am their best friend as can talk to me about anything. But I think that is exactly what I have been, more like a therapist friend always listening offering advice and thinking of ways to help. That is a flaw in my personality that I need to work on for sure and I am really trying now to be more assertive and have more respect for myself as hearing what you have written is very hard to take but absolutely justified and you’re definitely right. Think I needed to hear this 🙏

I’m sorry, OP. Some people are shit. These two sound like they’re in that group.

You are definitely not being unreasonable.

This is properly rubbish OP. Unfortunately I have the same bitter experience as others in this thread. I got my diagnosis and …puff! Several were just gone. My closest friend of 20 years just stopped texting ☹️ - some are just selfish buggers. However, I did learn from it and now interact with them as I want.

On the bright side I learnt who my true friends are and some people did step forward which surprised me and so maybe take some positives from that.

You're not being unreasonable. I think they're taking advantage of your good nature by the sounds of it.
I'd back off and not contact them at all to see if either of them can be bothered contacting you.
Sorry you've had such a rotten time of it recently and such shitty friends.