To ask if I have been a complete idiot thinking my friends cared??

[87SPD]

So I will try to keep this as short as possible but I need to give some context here….

I have two best friends that I have known since school, we have been through a lot and grown up together. I have always accepted that I am the biggest ‘effort-maker’ in that I drive and they don’t so I do the visiting, picking up/dropping off etc. I just accept that this is the functioning of our relationship.

Around Easter, I had a nasty health scare that involved a massive first seizure and loss of consciousness. I ended up in hospital for a while and have since been diagnosed with a heart condition that requires treatment and epilepsy. Because of this I’ve had to hand over my license. Since then my friends haven’t paid me a single visit, not one of them. I have just had one or two generic messages no phone calls or anything. They are both sisters and I have no siblings so sometimes feel like an outsider but absolutely understand they will obviously be closer to one another (although they moan about one another as I guess normal sisters do)

For more context, I have very much been ‘there’ for them throughout the ups and downs in their lives, as in physically there, giving them company, going out, checking on them etc. They were both my bridesmaids when I got married but I wasn’t any of their’s (this didn’t bother me as such - suppose I was slightly and privately hurt but not enough to not ask them to be mine - they were both married before me.)

One visit would have really made my day and made me feel cared about by them. It’s been a truly frightening and uncertain period of time. We all have jobs, families, houses to run etc it’s not like I am expecting to be their priority but one bloody visit or phone call instead of a half arsed text message surely wouldn’t have been too much trouble? Their husbands drive so could drop them off and at a push they can walk to my house within 30 minutes (I am still too nervous to walk too far on my own due to the seizures which I have told them)

I have been a pushover in the past but really want to start being more assertive and not allow others to take advantage.

Am I being unreasonable to feel that it is now blindingly obvious that they are just not that into me?

Bless you - it is so hard to accept when people we thought we could trust let us down. I really learnt that lesson during the Covid crisis. Some friends were really not there for me the way I would have been for them. Sorry your friends have disappointed you. YANBU

OP, don’t think if this being a flaw in your personality, but just make sure “friends” take it turns to listen to each other

I'm sorry about your illness, OP, it's terrifying when you don't know what's wrong and you're still finding out the extent of your limitations. I would be devastated to have to hand in my driving licence (and that was a possibility for me also, but I was lucky). It must have shaken you so badly, the illness and loss of your independence.

I too think TheYearOfSmallThings' post was bang on. The thing is, I don't believe that any relationship is equal, not all the time or perhaps not any of it? There is always one who cares more than the other (range can be slight->overwhelmingly).

You know you said that your friends 'needed you', OP? Did they though, or did they just know that you are the sort of friend who can be called on always? So reliable, helpful and willing to do whatever. It's a shame that they are not the same, not for you, perhaps they have other friendships where they themselves are 'a bit less than'?

Either way, you have your answer. These friends are fair-weather. Its a real thing and that's what they are. You can drop them or relegate them to the same status. I would imagine though that this would be hard for you as you are the sort of friend that everybody wants to have but not put the time and/or effort in to actually be.

You have your family. Your husband can drive. Maybe he can take you out sometimes, just you and he, to get you out of the house?

I'm sorry you feel so low.

You've been let down by these fair weather friends OP. A similar thing happened to my DH (albeit not as serious as you) where he lost consciousness and had a seizure out of the blue. No epilepsy diagnosis but likely an effect from long covid. Took months to feel himself again. His brother, who was well aware of what happened, didn't ring or text him to see how he was. Same thing happened when my son as a baby was badly burnt and we spent 3 nights in hospital. No contact to see how he was doing. People are arseholes!

Oh OP, I have been there and it’s shit.
It’ll be tough but you’ll be much better for dumping these deadweights out of your life.
wishing you good health 🌺x

No, you haven't been a complete idiot. You've just worked on the assumption that most of us do, that people care about you as much as you do about them. It's a reasonable assumption.

Unfortunately, we all get a realisation every now and again, that things aren't as we thought and it stings.

Feck them,true colours shown down & they aren't worth and more of your time and energy.

I hope you are recovering well.

I’m so sorry OP, I can really relate as nearly lost my life due to unexpected illness this year and did not have one visitor after I came out of hospital. Not even offer of help.

No one said a word about it. It was so weird. I however been contacted recently to have their kids / babysit.

I honestly feel so used too, with 0 real friends. Is this normal?

Painful as this is - them being so shallow and uncaring - it is of benefit to you OP because you now know not to waste anymore of your true friendship and love on them.

You have the advantage, you are able to truly connect and to care. They are lacking.

Positive healthy vibes to you

@chibcha That’s awful. If I were your friend I’d be round with cake/shopping and a listening ear.

There was a thread a couple of days ago, with a similar theme. People who have been supportive to friends at difficult times, but had no support when they needed it. I had supported 2 friends through cancer, really been there for them. Practically, emotionally and socially. When I needed support, a brief generic text, and then nothing. I've taken a huge step back.

I know friendship shouldn't be perfectly transactional, but it is hurtful to realise that you are only there for them, but no one is there when you need support.

I wish all the nice supportive people could be friends together.

I hope you find some nicer people who will be better friends. You sound d like a lovely person and I wish you well for the future.

YANBU OP. Hope you continue to get better.
You know, you're not an idiot for thinking your friends cared. It's all around us.
Practically every book/film involves tales of friendship and 'being there' for each other. People want to spend time with 'family and friends', friendship (like marriage) is built up to be this uber important thing that will not only enrich you life with fun, but provide you with support. It seems like everyone has friends, and anybody who doesn't is a loser.

The sad truth is that 99% of people are fair weather friends. Some people are lucky, their lives go great, they never get to find out. Some, like you, go through actual tragedy and then, only then find out.

Like you, I generally make a lot of effort, but after seeing how it was ME checking up on people, cheering them up etc I stopped. Crickets.

@Salie68x I wish this too! I would really like some people whose lives I can share, and whom I can share mine with in return. At least I was lucky to have had such good friends in uni, but they're all far away now. Oh, to have a true friend...

Since they now need to come to you, are they waiting to be invited? For a specific date?

Thank you all so much for your kindness. I feel so much better having just come to terms with a lot of truths that many of you have pointed out.

I think the health scare has actually made me think more deeply about life and the people in mine. Somebody here said it made them see the positives of other people and I am going to focus on that - my colleagues at work have been amazing as have my husband and children.

I am far from petty and generally let a lot of things slide but I need to get a bit of a grip now and know my worth. It’s happened with family members who have taken advantage of knowing that I absolutely hate confrontation and I guess my ‘friends’ have done the same confident I would never make a fuss or say anything. I won’t confront them, it’s not worth the stress - I know where I stand now and I will remember that going forward.

Thanks again and so sorry to everyone else who had this kind of experience - it’s crap but onwards and upwards as they say 💐 you’re all amazing! X

Well done OP 😊 You sound lovely and I reckon introducing some distance (hopefully a lot of distance…) between you and those supposed friends will free up energy for new connections and more self care. Be well x

Why don't you invite them over with a definite time and date and see what happens

Take this as a lesson about overgiving and under-receiving and, I say that as someone who has had many a one-sided friendship over the years. It's very painful to realise that people you care for don't feel the same about you and I feel for you. 💐

A therapist told me that you should always monitor friendships for reciprocity, not on a petty transactional basis, but to ensure they are healthily balanced. If you are the one doing all the organising but don't stop to expect your friends to contribute in some way periodically an unhealthy expectation develops that leaves you taken for granted.

Perhaps a 'hey, it's your turn to organise the next meeting'. I think sometimes we keep giving in the hope that the other person will do the same and then a stark crisis like yours reveals the truth of the situation. You can wheedle out the takers from the givers a lot sooner.

The hardest thing to deal with are the feelings of rejection and abandonment when you realise they don't care. Also the humiliation that you've done so much for the other person and been taken for granted. Save your kindness for people who do care but be mindful that they reciprocate. Not everyone are takers like your 'friends' but if you don't set limits, takers will just keep taking.

The problem here is it easy to turn up with empty words and a box of chocs.

sorry OP but I think it is clear they are not in the "helpful friend" category.

I am glad others have stood by you. I wouldn't waste more time on these two.

It really is hard to explain how upsetting that first seizure is. I remember my small few sending me flowers, texting me everyday to keep my spirits up, being super accommodating to the fact I couldn’t get anywhere, listening to me, asking what my triggers were so they could avoid them…

that’s how I knew who was a friend and who wasn’t. The difference was so drastically obvious.

Id also say don’t confront them. Let them wonder WTF happened to you and look you ip in 10 years and think aaah shit I was an idiot with that friend. I miss her. Etc

This!

You gave a very general 'we should meet up soon' and they replied with a very general 'yes we should'

For them to make the first move would be inviting themselves over to yours, which most people don't want to do

I wouldn't totally give up until you suggest specific dates, if they don't do anything at that point I would be off

I have made it clear I would like to see them and that I have been feeling quite scared and low about everything. I guess a simple phone call at least would have helped but not even that. They haven’t asked any questions or offered any support at all.

I remember one of them having found a lump in her breast years ago and I remembered the date of her appointment, rang her, visited to reassure her and take her mind of it etc (Thankfully she was all clear) but that is the kind of thing I have done in comparison. I am kind of at a place where I feel I shouldn’t have to ask lifelong friends to come and see me when I have been ill 🤷‍♀️ The thing is I think this has been the final nail in the coffin and made me admit to myself previous occasions where they fell short of being good friends which has been quite humiliating but my pride won’t allow me to make a fool of myself any longer if that makes sense.

OP "I am kind of at a place where I feel I shouldn’t have to ask lifelong friends to come and see me when I have been ill 🤷‍♀️ The thing is I think this has been the final nail in the coffin and made me admit to myself previous occasions where they fell short of being good friends which has been quite humiliating but my pride won’t allow me to make a fool of myself any longer if that makes sense."

makes perfect sense to me. I find it really odd that people who think of themselves as good friends don't offer help in times like this, if they can.

but I have been learning some similar lessons and now stepping back from anyone who has been proven to be useless.

You really have hit the nail on the head with the abandonment and humiliation point! I have even paid for us to go to concerts/spas because I know they wouldn’t go else, which I haven’t even told my husband through embarrassment! But that is so humiliating now I am saying it on here - I know I have been quite pathetic in that respect but I am going to actively try to learn to be stronger and distance myself from these kinds of relationships. They don’t really benefit me in anyway so what’s the point.

I was thinking earlier they couldn’t even tell you what I do for a living, they both work in the care industry which although I know nothing about I always ask how it’s going etc but now I think about it they have never asked about my work, only once when one wanted a new job and asked if my place were looking for people, she even said I could then take her and drop her off - I wfh so that’s how much attention she paid 🙈 I really have been an idiot!

Thank you for your insight it has definitely given me food for thought x

Thank you, it is a lesson learned!

Sorry you too are going through similar but good to hear you have taken control and taking a step back - exactly what I intend to do now 💐

Thank you, I am glad you have lovely friends who care about you - the first seizure is awful and genuinely life changing, I feel like I don’t trust my own body anymore.

I like the thought of just slipping away from them and to be honest it will probably be 10 years before they noticed anyway 😂

Yep, I cringe when I think of some of the things I have done for people I considered friends including making wedding cakes free of charge. Now I am very selective of what I give and do. I watch out for reciprocity and that includes making contact and initiating things. Far fewer 'friends' but my self esteem is very good as a result.

Have a good grieve about the humiliation and abandonment, it will disappear, and then languish in the good feelings about protecting your good self. There's not enough kindness in the world but 'pearls before swine....' and all that.😉