To want to talk about my abortion

flossyflo · 2022-07-19T19:37:50+00:00

DH and I have been together for over 20 years, married for 12. We have 1 DD aged 9 and I've accidently fallen pregnant at 41. It isn't the right thing for us and I am having an abortion. I always wanted another child after my first but having DD was emotionally difficult for both of us and DH said he couldn't go through it again. Eventually, I came to terms with that. Concentrated on my career and we got a dog. I went to counselling to help me deal with it. He didn't. Fast foward and I've stupidly messed up my pill and got pregnant, obviously DH has played a part in this but he was assuming I was managing my contraception properly. I found out in the middle of the night after suddenly waking up and realising my boobs were sore and I had dreadful thrush and finding a pregnancy test in the back of the cupboard. We were in separate beds so I told him in the morning. His first reaction was of anger, and the first thing he said was "You're not telling anyone". This has been extremely upsetting for me as I always wanted that second child although we've talked about it a bit today I can tell he just wants it over and done with. I know I am going to want to process this and the thought of not being able to talk to a close friend in confidence is unbearable. So AIBU to want to talk about it? I think his motivation is one of shame. Which causes me more upset as I am ashamed too. I feel so stupid for getting my pill mixed up and not being careful. The thought of going through this procedure effectively alone is filling me with dread.

Cotherstone · 19/07/2022 20:44

I’m sorry this is happening, both the unplanned pregnancy and your DP’s reaction.

Talk to anyone and everyone you want to. I didn’t, and it’s the only thing I regret about the whole process.

And please, please take the time to decide what is right for you x

Jemimapinotduck · 19/07/2022 20:46

I had a late stage termination many years ago, whilst our circumstances are different they are not completely incomparable. 16 years later I'm ok about it as it was the right decision but I was a mess at the time. Please feel free to pm me to ask questions or just talk... Your never alone in these circumstances

Lindasllama · 19/07/2022 20:49

So the question you need to ask yourself is this :

If DH had run off with another woman.. would YOU want this baby ?

If yes ... then your 'D' H can get to fuck..

If no then terminate.

SaggyBlinders · 19/07/2022 20:50

YANBU.

Do you actually want an abortion, or do you feel pressured into it by him?

Why hasn't he had a vasectomy if he is so against another child? Even if you'd taken the pill religiously, there is still a small chance of pregnancy.

luxxlisbon · 19/07/2022 20:53

Just make sure you are coming to the best decision for YOU, not him. He sounds unsupportive so if you picture not being with him in 5 years which choice would you wish you made?

And this is your decision, so reach out to as many people as you want! Talk to friends, call helplines, post here - reach out for support and don’t like your husband take that away from you!

onemorerose · 19/07/2022 20:56

Agree with @Lindasllama, be sure that you are making the right decision for you. Even though I don’t entirely regret mine I was young and feel I was led to the decision rather than making it myself. I went along with what medical staff were telling me I should do and I wish that I could say that it was fully my decision.

DinosaursEatMan · 19/07/2022 20:57

I’m sorry you are in this position.
I had another baby when older than you with an initially reluctant dh, no regrets from either of us now.

Topgub · 19/07/2022 20:58

Do you want an abortion?

I'm 100% pro choice

But is this your choice?

DyingForACuppa · 19/07/2022 20:59

I think there's a lot to unpack here. There's really nothing to be ashamed of if the abortion is definitely the right option for you, but I know that's easy to say. I think you need to try and separate the feelings about wanting a baby before, your DHs feelings, and how you really feel about it now. It's also not really relevant whose 'fault' it is. You are both in this situation now.

I think it's worth bearing in mind your husbands anger may be coming from a place of fear. He doesn't want a baby and he knows the decision is ultimately yours, which must be scary.

If this was me I'd be reassuring my husband I wouldn't be making any decisions without him, but this is a big deal to get my head round and I would need to talk it through with him.

HTH1 · 19/07/2022 21:00

I agree with all PPs! If you want this baby, you have this baby and screw ‘D’H.

1000yellowdaisies · 19/07/2022 21:00

I think you need to really think about what it is that you want here... it doesn't sound to me like you really want this termination and DH is pressuring you to do so.

Was the pregnancy truly accidental? I just ask because i am not sure what you mean by getting your pills mixed up? It's not that easy to get pregnant at 41 from say 1 missed pill... plus you had a pregnancy test on hand?

If you actually want this baby i really urge you to think hard about your decision to terminate. To be frank your husband's opinion is irrelevant now, you need to think about what you want.
And absolutely talk it through with a close friend.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/07/2022 21:01

YANBU to talk about it to anyone you like. YANBU to decide to keep the baby if that’s right for you. His attitude is really grim and unfair. He’s the one who didn’t want another baby and yet you’re the one who’s had the burden of contraception. He should have taken responsibility for his own fertility and had a vasectomy of used condoms. Yes it’s not great you didn’t take your pill properly when that’s the contraception you decided on between you but there is no shame to be apportioned beyond his dismissive approach to the wife he’s supposed to love and care for.

If you don’t want another child then have an abortion. If you do then keep your baby.

GabriellaMontez · 19/07/2022 21:03

Is he generally controlling? Telling you you're not permitted to talk about the medical procedure you're having is out of line.

If you do talk to your friend, what will he do?

GabriellaMontez · 19/07/2022 21:06

DyingForACuppa · 19/07/2022 20:59

I think there's a lot to unpack here. There's really nothing to be ashamed of if the abortion is definitely the right option for you, but I know that's easy to say. I think you need to try and separate the feelings about wanting a baby before, your DHs feelings, and how you really feel about it now. It's also not really relevant whose 'fault' it is. You are both in this situation now.

I think it's worth bearing in mind your husbands anger may be coming from a place of fear. He doesn't want a baby and he knows the decision is ultimately yours, which must be scary.

If this was me I'd be reassuring my husband I wouldn't be making any decisions without him, but this is a big deal to get my head round and I would need to talk it through with him.

I disagree. It's totally the OP's choice. Her body. Her decision.

Although I agree 'fault' isn't relevant.

Original poster

flossyflo · 19/07/2022 21:08

When I saw that line appearing I did think about it for 30 seconds, and it brought back the longing from years ago. I have made my peace with only having one and it is not the right time for me in terms of career / elderly parents needing support. And don't think I can face the baby years again. And I did hate being preggo.

We would probably divorce if I decided to keep it.

He is typically quite unsupportive though and think I need to ask (in a none resentful way) for the help I need from him. This is what a lot of my counselling was about.

I don't need his permission to talk about it with friends, although I don't want to go behind his back. I can't go through this without support from people who love me.

It's not like I am going to discuss it at the school gates.

Thanks for the hand holding

OP posts:

ThreeLittleDots · 19/07/2022 21:08

He couldn't go through it again
He chose not to deal by avoiding counselling
He took zero contraceptive responsibilities
He wants you to have an abortion
He doesn't want you to seek support

But what do YOU want? Why are you so concerned with his feelings above your own?

ThreeLittleDots · 19/07/2022 21:11

It's really unreasonable and dare I say, abusive to prevent you from seeking support from friends and people who love you. He does not get to call all the shots.

Hotenoughtoburnasausage · 19/07/2022 21:12

Will your relationship withstand how you will feel post termination? He isn't imo going it be supportive if you are teary and physically unwell.
Figure out if YOU want the baby op.

My ex told me to get rid or we were over.. Against my better judgement I kept both.. On reflection I should have ditched the dp.

user1471457751 · 19/07/2022 21:13

And what was your husband doing to manage his fertility? Fuck all by the sounds of it. He's the one who didn't want another child and yet has taken no steps to prevent it happening. He has absolutely no right to be angry with you. The pill isn't full-proof. You've spent years putting chemicals into your body daily to prevent a pregnancy he didn't want and yet he wouldn't even use condoms or get a vasectomy.

Cocowatermelon · 19/07/2022 21:14

You’re absolutely spot on that he can’t force you not to tell anyone. Pick one supportive family member or friend and get the help you need to get through this. Tell him you need support so X will be coming to the clinic with you/picking you up.
Or is it an option to book another counseling session or two to help with the emotional support you need, and insist on his help for whatever physical support you need.

Original poster

flossyflo · 19/07/2022 21:15

GabriellaMontez · 19/07/2022 21:03

Is he generally controlling? Telling you you're not permitted to talk about the medical procedure you're having is out of line.

If you do talk to your friend, what will he do?

Think this is about me sharing it with friends he knows (as we have a lot of mutual friends) and being judged. He is scared I think.

He isn't controlling in a way that restricts me, but he is a private person and doesn't like to be the subject of gossip. He wants us to make decisions together and there have been times in the past when I've gone ahead with big decisions (taking a promotion) without discussing it with him/

He'll be moody and angry with me if he finds out I've discussed it but he is never violent or anything like that.

OP posts:

Original poster

flossyflo · 19/07/2022 21:21

1000yellowdaisies · 19/07/2022 21:00

I think you need to really think about what it is that you want here... it doesn't sound to me like you really want this termination and DH is pressuring you to do so.

Was the pregnancy truly accidental? I just ask because i am not sure what you mean by getting your pills mixed up? It's not that easy to get pregnant at 41 from say 1 missed pill... plus you had a pregnancy test on hand?

If you actually want this baby i really urge you to think hard about your decision to terminate. To be frank your husband's opinion is irrelevant now, you need to think about what you want.
And absolutely talk it through with a close friend.

truly accidental. I take a mix of medication for my epilepsy as well as vitamins and they all go down the throat at once and mistook a vitamin for my pill for a few days

And the pregnancy test was years old (I got a new one to double check)

OP posts:

DyingForACuppa · 19/07/2022 21:27

GabriellaMontez · 19/07/2022 21:06

I disagree. It's totally the OP's choice. Her body. Her decision.

Although I agree 'fault' isn't relevant.

Show quote history

Of course it's her choice and her decision! I said that. I was just saying what I would do if it was my decision.

BeatieBourke · 19/07/2022 21:40

I have DH that can be occasionally avoidant and unwittingly cruel at times of stress out of his own emotional illiteracy and fear. It's hard. This is big. In such times I have resorted to icy pragmatism.

"I understand that you don't want a baby and that's OK. I understand you might feel scared and out of control.

I am your wife. I need you to understand how much of a physical and emotional upheaval this is for me. I need your support.

It is not OK to expect me to deal with this alone. That's childish, cruel and irresponsible. I will not suffer the consequences of this difficult situation silently so you don't have to deal with your feelings. That is not what a marriage is. This is a red line. I am going to need support from more than one person with this incredibly difficult life event. If that doesn't happen it will have repercussions for our marriage and I don't want to lose that to."

He probably won't like it. On the occasions I've had to do this it scared the shit out of DH to be honest. And to be honest that's kind of the point. I'd give it to him straight. Still, quiet, direct, dispassionate. Then give him space to have a very long hard think about the kind of husband he wants to be.

Sorry that you are going through such a difficult thing OP.

Original poster

flossyflo · 19/07/2022 22:07

BeatieBourke · 19/07/2022 21:40

I have DH that can be occasionally avoidant and unwittingly cruel at times of stress out of his own emotional illiteracy and fear. It's hard. This is big. In such times I have resorted to icy pragmatism.

"I understand that you don't want a baby and that's OK. I understand you might feel scared and out of control.

I am your wife. I need you to understand how much of a physical and emotional upheaval this is for me. I need your support.

It is not OK to expect me to deal with this alone. That's childish, cruel and irresponsible. I will not suffer the consequences of this difficult situation silently so you don't have to deal with your feelings. That is not what a marriage is. This is a red line. I am going to need support from more than one person with this incredibly difficult life event. If that doesn't happen it will have repercussions for our marriage and I don't want to lose that to."

He probably won't like it. On the occasions I've had to do this it scared the shit out of DH to be honest. And to be honest that's kind of the point. I'd give it to him straight. Still, quiet, direct, dispassionate. Then give him space to have a very long hard think about the kind of husband he wants to be.

Sorry that you are going through such a difficult thing OP.

Just did a version of this. Although icy pragmatism did descend into tears, they were calm ones.

My emotions scare him and he basically tries to avoid them. The calm approach helped.

Got a hug from DH and his version of it will be ok / we'll get through this. And told him that I would need to speak to a friend in confidence.

He was worried I would make light of it and tell lots of people. As if! Reassured him.

Thank you all.

OP posts: