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AIBU?

SIL thinks DS's tantrums are not normal

130 replies

Annaritanna · 19/07/2022 15:55

DS is 3 years old (since June).
He is intelligent, active, curious but he is also very stubborn and constantly pushing boundaries and misbehaving.

I read a lot of books and tried to implement a lot of gentle solutions. I try to be consistent but also caring and open to listen and understand.

But he is starting now to have a lot of tantrums. More or less everyday. He does better when he is with me, with DH it is a bit crazy.

Tantrums can last several minutes, with non stop screaming and crying. tantrums are always "issue related". Meaning that he consistently cries for a specific thing from start to finish.


Daycare thinks he is doing fine and with a normal development, but today he was out with DH and SIL and he had a big tantrum, and SIL suggested they are not normal anymore at 3 years old - and we should speak with a specialist.

AIBU to think tantrums could be also part of normal development? Or do you think something is strange?

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

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Brefugee · 20/07/2022 11:40

Gentle parenting doesn't mean that children have no boundaries and have free rein over their parents, this is permissive parenting.

that is why several pp have asked what that entails or used quote marks. Because i have absolutely seen people use the term when what they really mean is "zero parenting"

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saraclara · 20/07/2022 12:57

A toddler may not understand that having the undesired cup is not the end of the world, but as an adult you do and it’s your job to support them in their growth of understanding that. A massive ongoing hug of sympathy for a tiny inconvenience just reinforces the toddler’s notion that it’s a big catastrophe.

Exactly that. Which is why staying calm and having life go on as normal, while acknowledging that they feel sad, is the way to go. It's all about the middle ground. At the moment, OP and her DH are at the opposite ends of the extremes.

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howdoesatoastermaketoast · 20/07/2022 16:28

@Marvellousmadness "Why sit on the floor with a tantrumming kid?"

A perfectly reasonable question but not every kid or every situation is the same, for ds1 worst / most public meltdown, sitting behind him with one leg to either side prevented him from knocking into displays, hurting himself or other shoppers and the tight hug helped to calm him down.

"Giving them a hug. A tight hug provides deep pressure, which helps them feel calm and secure. A long bear hug may help them feel better."
https://www.totsguide.com/single/blog/How-to-Manage-an-Autistic-Meltdown/0zr0

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MagentaForever · 21/07/2022 15:22

Definitely don't just ignore your son. There are a lot of great resources on TikTok regarding how to manage tantrums, and it seems age appropriate. Here's someone that I like: Link and he'll learn over time.

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InChocolateWeTrust · 25/07/2022 10:21

A toddler may not understand that having the undesired cup is not the end of the world, but as an adult you do and it’s your job to support them in their growth of understanding that. A massive ongoing hug of sympathy for a tiny inconvenience just reinforces the toddler’s notion that it’s a big catastrophe

This!!

The hugs link for autistic meltdowns - op hasnt said this child is autistic? This a NT child we are talking about, therefore we would expect that they would have the capacity to learn how to regulate their response to not getting what they want every time.

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