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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that this kid is not ready for a sleep over?

51 replies

RaggedBlousedPhilanthropist · 19/07/2022 12:41

DD is 8.

She has not been to a sleepover yet (wets the bed ,, wears pull-ups ,, whole other topic) but has had friends over to sleep at ours before (easier to hide it at home).

She has invited a friend to a sleepover who we have not had over before. We know the friend well, they have been friends since K1.

When I spoke to her Mum about it, she said that friend had been on sleepovers before so this was fine.

I then got a FB message with a big long list of things I needed to know about her DD.

I shan’t post them all in case they are outing but they included such things like:

  • Her DD needs an adult to sit with her until she is asleep,
  • We have to do bedtime things in a certain order or she gets distressed,
  • She has to bring six stuffed toys with her,
  • An assurance that if DD gets upset in the night then we will call and she will come and collect her.
She also said that DD wets the bed about once a week but it has never happened on a sleep over (that I could cope with, for obvious reasons).

There are a total of twelve things in all, some more understandable than others, but if you need to send your child to a sleepover with a detailed instruction manual and a high likelihood that the child will need to be collected in the middle of the night, then AIBU to think that this kid is just not ready for sleep overs?

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 19/07/2022 12:44

No yanbu. However , I'd hazard a guess that the kid would be just fine if they were to come and it's more the mother fretting.

Hollyhead · 19/07/2022 12:45

I agree, but on the other hand I’m always really surprised how young sleepovers start these days. I’m sure in the 90s it was much more a high school thing.

PrisonerofZeroCovid · 19/07/2022 12:45

I think I’d just say ‘sorry I don’t have time to sit with children while they go to sleep. I’ll drop her home at 8’

olympicsrock · 19/07/2022 12:46

No way.
Thank the mum for being so open about her DD’s anxiety. She could be a potential ally in the future with the bed wetting.
Would it work for her to come for a 1-1 pyjama party where they watch a movie in pyjamas and her parents pick her up at 9:30? Might reduce the anxiety ??

could also be nice for your daughter to experience something like this at a friend’s house?

MeMe3Spoons · 19/07/2022 12:47

What is the point of a sleepover anyway? They seem totally unnecessary to me but I am happy to be educated Grin

PeekAtYou · 19/07/2022 12:48

Yanbu
The teddies are fine but the other stuff sounds like a recipe for potential disaster and you wouldn't want to negatively affect your DD's relationship with this girl. I would be rescinding the invitation to a future time. Maybe she will be more ready in a year or so?

HairyScaryMonster · 19/07/2022 13:25

My 8yo doesn't wet the bed, doesn't need an adult to stay with them etc, but often finds it very difficult to fall asleep, 9.30 is common. So I've said no to sleepovers for this reason. I imagine at someone else's house she'd still be wide awake in the early hours.

Wilkolampshade · 19/07/2022 13:29

@MeMe3Spoons my kids liked joining in with other families lives, doing things a bit differently, having some freedom and independence from me and had fun. They used to go together to a friends at 2 and 4. We all lived within a few streets of each other and it was easy and fun.
Oh, and I got the night off.

Icanstillrecallourlastsummer · 19/07/2022 13:30

Ohter than the second bullet I think they all sound normal for that age, and I would expect that they could be faciliated. Certainly most of those things happen for the sleepover my daughter has here. So, yeah, I think you are expecting a bit much. If you don't like it dont' have her over.

Original poster
RaggedBlousedPhilanthropist · 19/07/2022 14:11

Thanks.

@Icanstillrecallourlastsummer I’m not too concerned about any inconvenience to me (thats part of parenting) I’m more concerned that the child would not have a good time.

@Hollyhead yes, my first one was at 13 and that was in the 90s.

@RedHelenB you could be right. Friend has always seemed fine to me but her Mum is a bit of a helecopter. Sleep over could be a breeze after all if that’s the case.

@olympicsrock Good point- I know it’s still quite common at 8 but we dont know anyone else it’s an issue for. She would probably be a good first sleepover for DD for that reason if its just the 2 of them.

As for the 9.30 finish pyjama party suggestion - thank you @olympicsrock - I might just offer that as an alternative option, rather than saying no to a sleep over after all. That could mean fun for both while taking off the pressure (if there is any) on the child.

OP posts:
converseandjeans · 19/07/2022 14:14

YANBU and would suggest PJs and film and snacks & pick up around 10pm latest. Best of both worlds.

EHopes · 19/07/2022 14:40

At that age my daughter had a sleepover party - with the sleepover part optional.
I ended up with 5 girls, 2 with quite difficult needs. It went ok but if I were back at age 8 I'd wait till older.

Hotenoughtoburnasausage · 19/07/2022 14:44

Precisely why no sleepovers here until secondary school or it's simply childcare!!

Ozgirl75 · 19/07/2022 15:07

I’d be fine with the soft toys, bed wetting etc but I wouldn’t be sitting with them, surely the fun of a sleepover is that the kids stay up chatting a bit and then fall asleep a bit later?
maybe different if it was a sleepover for an emergency or a reason, but not just for a “fun” one.
8 is young - my 11 year old doesn’t love sleepovers, he likes having people to stay but just says he likes his own bed. So we just have people to ours. My 9 year old otoh likes going to other houses.
We only do sleepovers in the school holidays as they’re so ratty and tired the next day. I don’t mind doing them but they’re not my favourite thing to do.

Original poster
RaggedBlousedPhilanthropist · 20/07/2022 09:23

Ozgirl75 · 19/07/2022 15:07

I’d be fine with the soft toys, bed wetting etc but I wouldn’t be sitting with them, surely the fun of a sleepover is that the kids stay up chatting a bit and then fall asleep a bit later?
maybe different if it was a sleepover for an emergency or a reason, but not just for a “fun” one.
8 is young - my 11 year old doesn’t love sleepovers, he likes having people to stay but just says he likes his own bed. So we just have people to ours. My 9 year old otoh likes going to other houses.
We only do sleepovers in the school holidays as they’re so ratty and tired the next day. I don’t mind doing them but they’re not my favourite thing to do.

I offered the movie night but apparently friend really wants to sleep over (in spite of the instruction manual from Mum). It’s on Saturday so at least there is the Sunday to recover.

I’m going to go along with all the “needs” and hopefully they will have a good time… 🤞

OP posts:
mycatisannoying · 20/07/2022 09:31

Get that to fuck!
I assume this is an only child we're talking about?!
YANBU.

Walkingalot · 20/07/2022 09:40

Sounds like she's not ready for a sleep-over or her DM isn't!

aSofaNearYou · 20/07/2022 09:56

I offered the movie night but apparently friend really wants to sleep over (in spite of the instruction manual from Mum).

This all sounds quite cheeky. She might really want to but her behaviour isn't up to scratch yet. The mum should have taken the hint and not pushed the "but she really wants to" angle.

BruisedSkies · 20/07/2022 09:56

My kids started sleepovers at around age 5 with his best friend. They were super excited about the idea and had been asking for about a year. His friend still went into her mum’s bed at night and needed someone to sit with her. I said no until that was sorted. I even explained it to the girl and she was fine with it. Just said I had different rules here and don’t want a child in my bed. Then she came for a sleepover when she didn’t need an adult at night. They had an absolute blast! They had so much fun.

however a list like that shows more about the mum’s anxiety than the girl’s. And in a way, maybe the sleepover will help the girl learn a bit of resilience.

RebeccaCloud9 · 20/07/2022 11:20

I think it's a tough one. My dd has been to well-known, trusted friends to sleepover and we have had 3 girls sleep over at ours (7 year olds). All have been here to play and have had sleepovers before. It is my dds favourite thing and she would be so disappointed if we planned one then changed our minds.

But we have another friend whose dd just isn't ready. She keeps trying to send her to sleepovers and the girl just freaks out, screams, cries, packs to leave and go home and just won't sleep. She asked us if her dd could come for a sleepover with us (she needed a babysitter) and we made excuses and said no - because she is just not ready.

It may just be the mum being overly nervous for something new and everything would be fine, but it could just be the tip of the iceberg, especially if this is her first sleepover or she hasn't been to yours before.

Just seen your update before I posted - if you are going ahead, good luck, it may be fine, but be prepared for the shit to hit the fan and don't leave it too long before calling her mum if she really can't cope.

averythinline · 20/07/2022 11:25

I would just have a chat with the mum and play it by ear...my dc only did sleepovers at that age with people i knew really well so were aware of all their quirks!...sometimes it was ok sometimes not....
Often sleep was poor for both children....but they loved it and they could take part in conversations at school about sleepovers....as seemed to be a massive thing from about that age....without actually doing that many!

Hotenoughtoburnasausage · 20/07/2022 13:52

I would totally ignore the list. I bet you the dc forgets all about the mind boggling saga her dm allows.

Maybe is it actually the dm who encourages such props at bedtime...
When my dsd uses to come years ago ours was the only house she actually went to bed and slept right though at....

Ohhcrap · 20/07/2022 14:01

Sounds like reasonable adjustments because the child has autism, diagnosed or not. Don’t assume you’d know whether or not she has autism. My DD’s classmates haven’t been told. But equally, my DD would need (just quite genuinely need) a similar list, so she doesn’t have sleepovers, unless with her either of her aunties who familiar with her ways and happy to accommodate!

Original poster
RaggedBlousedPhilanthropist · 22/07/2022 11:17

Ohhcrap · 20/07/2022 14:01

Sounds like reasonable adjustments because the child has autism, diagnosed or not. Don’t assume you’d know whether or not she has autism. My DD’s classmates haven’t been told. But equally, my DD would need (just quite genuinely need) a similar list, so she doesn’t have sleepovers, unless with her either of her aunties who familiar with her ways and happy to accommodate!

I think it’s more likely that Mum is on the spectrum. She’s nice enough but does tend to fixate on things. Her DD has always seemed quirky but is easy going. We’ve known them a few years now and have had her over to play numerous times.

I will give her DD the option to go home at bedtime, or rather check at that point that she still wants to sleep over.

I will try to put her at her ease by going along with the “manual” if it appears her DD would struggle otherwise, but I’m tempted to just

I mentioned to Mum that my DD isn’t dry at night either and she seemed glad that her DD wasn’t the only one. She will be sending her DD with a disposable bed mat but says it only happens about once a week now.

Hopefully it won’t be a 4-am “I want to go home!” wake up for us all!!

OP posts:
CrapBucket · 22/07/2022 11:22

At that age most of my DC friends had similar length lists of things they needed to have a good sleepover. Which I did happily, everyone had a good time and it was a lovely phase of childhood. Its pretty rubbish if only confident kids with no bladder/bowel/health issues can have sleepovers. And if you wait until high school there is a whole load of other considerations!!!