To think that this kid is not ready for a sleep over?

[RaggedBlousedPhilanthropist]

DD is 8.

She has not been to a sleepover yet (wets the bed ,, wears pull-ups ,, whole other topic) but has had friends over to sleep at ours before (easier to hide it at home).

She has invited a friend to a sleepover who we have not had over before. We know the friend well, they have been friends since K1.

When I spoke to her Mum about it, she said that friend had been on sleepovers before so this was fine.

I then got a FB message with a big long list of things I needed to know about her DD.

I shan’t post them all in case they are outing but they included such things like:

• Her DD needs an adult to sit with her until she is asleep,
• We have to do bedtime things in a certain order or she gets distressed,
• She has to bring six stuffed toys with her,
• An assurance that if DD gets upset in the night then we will call and she will come and collect her.

She also said that DD wets the bed about once a week but it has never happened on a sleep over (that I could cope with, for obvious reasons).

There are a total of twelve things in all, some more understandable than others, but if you need to send your child to a sleepover with a detailed instruction manual and a high likelihood that the child will need to be collected in the middle of the night, then AIBU to think that this kid is just not ready for sleep overs?

Children are often completely different in other people’s homes- more well behaved etc or rather another parent’s death stare stops unwanted behaviour.
I’d leave some pull-ups out…. and hope for the best.

8 is young for a sleep over ? (Dreading them!)

I'd do it but personally because I think at 8 there can still be a way to go with independence, bed wetting issues (for some) and so on and it's nice to help them face their fears a little bit. Having accepted a sleepover I'd expect it might come with no, or quite a few, requests, and I'd be happy with either.

My youngest DD is 9 and hasn't been on a sleepover yet - she doesn't sleep well in unfamiliar places and doesn't really want to yet (partly due to small extended family so hasn't ever had the opportunity to stay over at grandma's/cousins etc). She had a friend here for a sleepover and they freaked each other out with spooky stories so I had to sleep on the floor in her room with them to get them to go to sleep! So no more for a while but there's plenty of time. In the meantime we've been having friends to play and stay quite late - have tea here, then a film/popcorn/whatever in their onesies and we take the friend home about 9pm. It's genius if I say so myself! Friends parents get to go out for an early tea/drink if they want and their child gets dropped off ready for bed.

I'd argue with all those requirements it's babysitting rather than a sleepover. I'd do it if the parents needed overnight childcare but otherwise I'd say no, a sleepover shouldn't need so much parental involvement.

Surely she wouldn't need you to sit with her to go to sleep - presumably she 'needs' that from her mum or dad as comfort, but not from someone else's random parent? Plus she and DD would be together to go to sleep I'm guessing?

I'd just let the other parent know a cut-off time and say if she's not asleep by 11 you'd text for them to collect her, or something like that.

I’m glad you’re going ahead with it OP, I hope it all goes well.

My DD is 8 and has had lots of sleepovers here and away, I had the same at that age (in the 90s) so I don’t know if it’s that unusual? I had one friend who was always trying to angle for a sleepover at mine because it meant she didn’t have to go to Sunday school 🙂

Anyway, IME they LOVE sleepovers and they are so much more exciting than a regular ending late play date. And you may well find that you don’t have to sit with them - I always set up DD and friends in the guest room with fancy bedding etc and I’m not even allowed in once the sleepover is in flow, let alone to sit with them til they fall asleep (usually around 11pm…)

Wow @BingoBungle what a horribly judgemental post.

No, not for me! That child doesn’t sound remotely ready for a sleepover and I wouldn’t be spending my time facilitating her needs or cleaning up an accident, if she still wets the bed surely out of courtesy for you her mum should insist she wears a pull up for one night!!

My 11 year old DD is horrible at sleepy at other people’s house - as is her best friend so we do a late evening (around 10pm) and then back for breakfast. ( It does help massively that they live opposite though!)

I think all those things sound quite manageable and straight forward - although I accept you have said it's not a comprehensive list. It'll be easier to follow than expected as the girls will be doing it together.

It might be just what the girl needs to help her get comfortable outside her own home.

Just wondering is the girl who will sleepover am only child? She might think she needs a parent but I think she might realise quickly just the company of a friend would be fine as company. It's that kind of thing that is a real confidence booster and lovely to see!

Yes, she’s an only-child.

Mum says she has been on sleep-overs before (in spite of the instruction manual) so I’m hoping it won’t be too much of an ordeal.

I didn’t ask how many of those occasions resulted in a tearful early-hours request to go home but given that it was referred to in the “manual”, I imagine at least once.

I plan to just see how it goes and use the manual as a bit of a fall back if she seems to be getting anxious. With a bit of luck they will be having so much fun and tire each other out that it won’t matter which order we do bedtime things in etc.

I’m probably over-thinking things myself.

We’ve hosted a number sleepovers since March of this year and have never had a manual or any issues with other friends apart from the usual still being awake chatting loudly past 11am or being too over-excited at various points. Nothing like such an extensive list of needs.

Sleepovers are not for sleeping they are for chatting and midnight snacks!

What a vile post.

You mention mum may be on the spectrum but it is common to run in families. Girls can be quite good at “faking” it and appearing typical but can only do that for so long in reality, so her daughter might just need extra support to relax. Or maybe she’s just fussy 🤷🏼‍♀️ Just see how it goes and you know the option is there to call the mum if needed.

If you suspect mum and the child is quirky then chances are she may have ASD too. I bet she won't need you sitting with her though because your dd will be with her, if she's an only child then it will be different at home. I guess all you can do is see how it goes and then not do sleepovers with her again for a good while if it's a nightmare.

I think the combo of 'needs an adult to sit with her' plus 'call me to collect her' is your get out.

I would explain that my own dd wouldn't sleep with me in the room, so I couldn't sit with them.

Instead I would offer door ajar, nightlight & adult close by (kids set up camp in dining room or conservatory if you have one?! Or you read/watch tv etc in an adjoining bedroom?).

If the guest is awake by 11pm or whatever your cut off for wanting to sleep yourself...her mum gets the call.

The teddies & bedwetting wouldn't bother me at all, but then I had 3 leaky teddy obsessed dc of my own...😆

My dd has a bedtime routine like this, but then she has autism and I'd never expect a friend to follow all that, plus mine wouldn't actually settle with another person even if they followed the routine she'd just get increasingly distressed although maybe she will as you say you know her really well.

@RaggedBlousedPhilanthropist good on you for trying it!

Do they ever really sleep well on sleepovers anyway?

Well…she’s here!

Playing happily and not a shred of anxiety being exhibited.

So far so good!

🤞

Mum was a bit “now remember XY and Z!” with her before she left but daughter was cool as a cucumber.

I’m now starting to think that the “manual” is for Mum’s benefit!

In the end there was nothing whatsoever to worry about. I’m now convinced that the list was fussy Mum rather than unready kid.

She did end up wetting the bed (too many fizzy drinks I think) but as the bed was protected and my DD told her not to worry because she did too, there were no dramas. If anything, I think the solidarity moment may have been beneficial to them both.

I think the thread title should be changed to “To think this child’s MOTHER is not ready for sleep overs”!

Thanks for all the advice though.

“End of Thread” 🙂

I had 6 kids stay over for ds' 10th birthday

2 of the mams insisted their son wouldn't stay and that I was to ring them to collect after their late tea.

All stayed, there wasn't a peep out of them - ds had to loan them some Pyjamas!

I'd say the mum is the issue and the kid will be fine

I'd say 'I won't sit with them as part of the fun is giggling in the night and falling asleep together but the rest is fine"

Oops, didn't read the end of the thread!