Husband going out with ex whilst I'm away

Happyfamilies11 · 2022-07-17T14:36:06+00:00

My husband shares DC with his ex and we share a DC together too. I'm away at the moment for a friend's wedding and he's at home. My husband was out today with my MIL, BIL and his wife and DC. I've just found out that his ex, mother of DC went along too. He didn't tell me this but my BILs wife did (we are close). I've spoken to DH and he said he didn't think it was a big deal apparently when he picked them up DSC suggested their mum come with them because she had nothing to do and DH didn't want to say no to them (a running theme). She's recently split up with her partner and has been telling DSC how sad she is about it... So they've been feeling guilt ridden about leaving her alone. Nice. I don't think anything is going on, they don't even like each other half the time but she's manipulative and not someone I want hanging about with my kid and playing happy families on days out with them. I'm absolutely furious about this actually and I think my husband knows that and wouldn't have mentioned it if I hadn't have found out. I've told him if he has any respect for our marriage he won't hang out with her again whilst I'm gone especially not with our DC. My SIL was shocked as well hence why she told me and said MIL found it awkward too. If it matters at all they were never married and weren't together that long so not like she was part of his family for a 30 year long marriage or anything. MIL doesn't like her either.

Original poster

Happyfamilies11 · 17/07/2022 15:41

I don't want to go into every little spat here either but this is a woman who makes our life difficult at every possible turn, has been horrid about both me and our DC in the past AND my husband himself. I try my utmost to be civil when I see her for DSC sake but I do not like her and I want her having nothing to do with my child.

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Original poster

Happyfamilies11 · 17/07/2022 15:42

For example calling my husband a 'fucking r**ard' whenever she doesn't get her own way because he has a mild learning disability.

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MichelleScarn · 17/07/2022 15:42

I think yabu. Unless they think they're sneaking off together while out for the day with all the family, is it not nice that dc parents can be civil? What would you have said if he said he didn't want you going to your friends wedding?

Bonheurdupasse · 17/07/2022 15:44

OP

You need to really put your foot down with your DH. Calmly, but very clearly that this was extremely disrespectful and you will not tolerate it again.
Then he needs to work out a plan for him to be able to say no and not be manipulated by DSC. Basically therapy that he needs to find and start asap.

TeapotTitties · 17/07/2022 15:45

I think it's nice for the kids to have a day out with all the family. The family however, sound a bit shit stirry.

Still, this is between you and your DH regarding who gets their own way on this.

ApolloandDaphne · 17/07/2022 15:45

YABU. The children they share wanted her there and invited her along. It's good for them to see everyone getting along and they probably aren't really aware of any bad feeling.

Bonheurdupasse · 17/07/2022 15:46

BTW move this to the Stepparenting board.
Here you'll be slaughtered - as is, why can you have your own preferences if they disagree with your DSC's....

TeapotTitties · 17/07/2022 15:47

Happyfamilies11 · 17/07/2022 15:42

For example calling my husband a 'fucking r**ard' whenever she doesn't get her own way because he has a mild learning disability.

Oh for goodness sake, what's with the drip feeding? 🙄

InUseAlready · 17/07/2022 15:48

I’d be so pissed off in your shoes OP. So disrespectful of him towards you and also everyone else there who obviously felt awkward.

You'll probably get a load of cool wives on here telling you that you’re jealous and why shouldn’t he be civil with his ex. But you’re allowed to draw your boundaries wherever you need them to be I order to stay emotionally safe and he he’s just walked all over them.

The lying by omission would be the worst thing for me. Did he think you wouldn’t find out? You must have felt awful when SIL told you. I can imagine the feeling.

Catfordthefifth · 17/07/2022 15:48

YANBU at all. He's being a doormat. There is no way in hell I would be okay with it as she has verbally abused him several times and made life difficult. If she was civil I feel it might be different. Dps ex is the same and if he spent time with her it would literally be over my dead body (he wouldn't, because she's a vile human)

Original poster

Happyfamilies11 · 17/07/2022 15:49

TeapotTitties · 17/07/2022 15:47

Oh for goodness sake, what's with the drip feeding? 🙄

Show quote history

I added that within minutes and before anyone had even commented! Hardly drip feeding

OP posts:

Catfordthefifth · 17/07/2022 15:49

TeapotTitties · 17/07/2022 15:47

Oh for goodness sake, what's with the drip feeding? 🙄

Show quote history

Its not drip feeding nobody had even replied when she posted it a few minutes after the op.

Original poster

Happyfamilies11 · 17/07/2022 15:50

And he can go out with her with DSC if that's what he wants (I'd still be pissed if he waited until I wasn't around to do it). Leave our kid out of it though, she's horrid and not someone they need to be associating with.

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SweetSakura · 17/07/2022 15:51

I wonder if he felt caught out.when his child suggested it?

I think it would.be fine to say that you didn't want it to happen again.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/07/2022 15:52

What would you have said if he said he didn't want you going to your friends wedding?

As if that's even remotely the same issue. 🙄

Original poster

Happyfamilies11 · 17/07/2022 15:52

SweetSakura · 17/07/2022 15:51

I wonder if he felt caught out.when his child suggested it?

I think it would.be fine to say that you didn't want it to happen again.

Probably. He struggles to say no to any request from them. It's not healthy what she's doing to them though at the moment. The only reason they've asked is because they've been made to feel guilty by her that she's on her own. They have never asked or suggested anything like it before.

As I say, manipulative.

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SweetSakura · 17/07/2022 15:52

I think it is important there are boundaries in the relationships with ex partners and you need to agree as a couple what these are

Original poster

Happyfamilies11 · 17/07/2022 15:53

Aquamarine1029 · 17/07/2022 15:52

What would you have said if he said he didn't want you going to your friends wedding?

As if that's even remotely the same issue. 🙄

If I snuck off to the wedding of my nasty ex when he'd left the country without telling him I'm sure he'd be well within his rights to say something.

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Original poster

Happyfamilies11 · 17/07/2022 15:54

SweetSakura · 17/07/2022 15:52

I think it is important there are boundaries in the relationships with ex partners and you need to agree as a couple what these are

I honestly never thought I had to literally tell him this. He knows how I feel about her.

I had tried and tried and tried for many years with her but drew the line when the viciousness when she didn't get her own way spilled over onto me and even our child once. That's going too far for me and I haven't been able to stand her since.

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MarshaMelrose · 17/07/2022 16:00

I think it's beneficial if a good relationship can be fostered. I see on these threads a lot that the poster's child is never allowed to see the ex and I don't understand how that's sustainable. Like it or not, the two children are blood siblings and it's an important relationship for them. Surely they will want to be with each other at different occasions growing up so how can they be isolated from the other child's parent?
As for her insulting your husband, he's a responsible and capable grown up or you wouldn't have married or had a child with him. So that's for him to deal with as he sees appropriate.

Original poster

Happyfamilies11 · 17/07/2022 16:01

MarshaMelrose · 17/07/2022 16:00

I think it's beneficial if a good relationship can be fostered. I see on these threads a lot that the poster's child is never allowed to see the ex and I don't understand how that's sustainable. Like it or not, the two children are blood siblings and it's an important relationship for them. Surely they will want to be with each other at different occasions growing up so how can they be isolated from the other child's parent?
As for her insulting your husband, he's a responsible and capable grown up or you wouldn't have married or had a child with him. So that's for him to deal with as he sees appropriate.

I think that's fine if the ex involved is pleasant about your DC. Not if they aren't. Why would I want to subject my child to someone who's been horrible about their existence? How is that fair to them?

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Original poster

Happyfamilies11 · 17/07/2022 16:02

The example I gave regarding DH was just to show what a vile human she is.

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Catfordthefifth · 17/07/2022 16:02

MarshaMelrose · 17/07/2022 16:00

I think it's beneficial if a good relationship can be fostered. I see on these threads a lot that the poster's child is never allowed to see the ex and I don't understand how that's sustainable. Like it or not, the two children are blood siblings and it's an important relationship for them. Surely they will want to be with each other at different occasions growing up so how can they be isolated from the other child's parent?
As for her insulting your husband, he's a responsible and capable grown up or you wouldn't have married or had a child with him. So that's for him to deal with as he sees appropriate.

My child knows his sibling has a different mum. He doesn't know her, he doesn't need to. She wished him dead, so no, I wonder be fostering any relationship with her no matter how good it might be for her child. Perhaps if she gave a shit about her child, she wouldn't say things like that.

You do not have to make friends with horrible people.

Same with this woman, maybe don't be a twat and people might like you.

knackersToIt · 17/07/2022 16:06

MichelleScarn · 17/07/2022 15:42

I think yabu. Unless they think they're sneaking off together while out for the day with all the family, is it not nice that dc parents can be civil? What would you have said if he said he didn't want you going to your friends wedding?

I think you're comparing apples and pears there Michelle.

OP it sounds like he was ambushed. He knows you're not happy. I'd let him off the hook and move on.

Ontomatopea · 17/07/2022 16:09

Personally I think its really unhealthy for him to have caved in to his DSC like that.