Husband going out with ex whilst I'm away

[Happyfamilies11]

My husband shares DC with his ex and we share a DC together too.

I'm away at the moment for a friend's wedding and he's at home.

My husband was out today with my MIL, BIL and his wife and DC. I've just found out that his ex, mother of DC went along too. He didn't tell me this but my BILs wife did (we are close).

I've spoken to DH and he said he didn't think it was a big deal apparently when he picked them up DSC suggested their mum come with them because she had nothing to do and DH didn't want to say no to them (a running theme).

She's recently split up with her partner and has been telling DSC how sad she is about it... So they've been feeling guilt ridden about leaving her alone. Nice.

I don't think anything is going on, they don't even like each other half the time but she's manipulative and not someone I want hanging about with my kid and playing happy families on days out with them.

I'm absolutely furious about this actually and I think my husband knows that and wouldn't have mentioned it if I hadn't have found out.

I've told him if he has any respect for our marriage he won't hang out with her again whilst I'm gone especially not with our DC.

My SIL was shocked as well hence why she told me and said MIL found it awkward too.

If it matters at all they were never married and weren't together that long so not like she was part of his family for a 30 year long marriage or anything. MIL doesn't like her either.

He might have been ambushed but the fact that he wasn’t able to be assertive and tell her no speaks to the fact that he has weak boundaries around her.

This will be very damaging for his relationship with OP because it sounds like she’s been abusive to OP, her DH and her DC in the past. There will always be that threat looming in the background of what will he let her get away with next? And that can be really corrosive.

Tbh his weak boundaries with her is an issue for us in general. He's always letting her speak to him like shit, always giving into her demands ect.

He says she was abusive during their relationship (from what I've seen of her I believe him) so that is probably an issue too.

that's not a drip feed, that was included in the OP.

YABU
If it was just them 2 then obviously it would be much different but as it was a big family day out then it’s a non issue.

Many exes will go out together with the children.

He should have told you eventually but I can see why he’d not want to tell you whilst you are away as now it’s all you’re going to be thinking of.

I get why you’re feeling upset that he didn’t tell you but I wouldn’t give it anymore thought.

I also think YABU. Seperate parents should be able to spend time together with thier mutual children.

I wouldn't like it.

In normal cases I'd not disagree.

In this case I think not unless you have no respect for your wife and your youngest child who this person has been horrible to/about.

I can't imagine many here would be thrilled at the thought of their child, whilst they are away, being forced to spend they day with a person who'd been horrible about them. It's not all about DSC. Are DC is a person too who deserves not to have to spend their time around people who have been nasty about them.

He wants to spend time with his ex with DSC? Do it when our DC doesn't need to be involved if he really wants to be that much of a push over.

Our*

I agree op most wouldn't like it at all but most on here will be the first wife so they'll say it's fine. It is fine, if you're not an abusive arsehole, but she is so...

You’re getting some weird responses here that are based on an idea that step families have to follow the nuclear family model.

Not true.

Yes, children of separated parents shouldn’t have to see their parents argue and everyone should be civil to each other for their sake. But it can be very confusing for children to see their separated parents acting like they’re a family unit. I think adults think this is a nice thing for the children but it’s not. It just leads them to question why they aren’t still together and wonder whether it’s their fault. Good boundaries help everyone know where they stand.

Why tolerate this.
If my ex-wife insulted me like that I wouldn't be best pleased.

YANBU OP, I’d be pretty pissed off if my fiancé spent the day with his ex without mentioning it and with no intention of mentioning it. It’s quite strange that she would even want to go with him to spend the day with her ex and his family.

Yeah why did she even want to go if she hates him that much?

My guess is that she hates op more. Dps ex has been awful to him, but she'd 100% take him back! Its all kinds of fucked up

She likes being the centre of attention is my best guess.

I don't think YABU @Happyfamilies11 but this was always going to be a thing when you marry/have kids with someone who had kids with someone else. The dreaded ex... And they may not have been together '30 years' but that makes no difference; they have kids together. Also, the 'MIL doesn't like her either,' sounds a bit 'ner ner ner ner ner!!!' and a bit spiteful.

I know you can't help who you fall for, but I'd run a mile from a man who had kids with an ex tbh.

Not much advice, but I do think you have a right to be annoyed, and it's disturbing that your DH didn't tell you his ex was there. I'd be really pissed off tbh.

When I said MIL doesn't like her I meant as an explanation that it wasn't because she was super close with his family or anything.

I have dealt with the dreaded ex in many ways. But I do draw the line at my DC spending time with her.

Honestly this sounds like just an awkward decision and not one your DH or his family will be too keen on repeating. What was your DH supposed to have said when his kids asked if she could come? He was probably doing his best to keep everything amicable (and the kids were possibly feeling guilty about going out for a good time and leaving their mum alone). I wouldn’t be too hard on him - it’s not like he met up with her alone, just struggled to make a snap decision and know what to do for the best.