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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do I turn a blind eye again?

43 replies

H2069 · 17/07/2022 09:33

Hi there. Looking for some advice.
Iv been with my partner 10 years and we have a 5 year old. He is an amazing dad and very caring most of the time. I knew my partner from school but we never spoke as I was shy and he was the guy always in trouble. He had a reputation for drugs and dealing. Met him on a night out years later, he told me he was no longer like this which I trusted and we have been together since. He told me back then that he didn't do drugs anymore. They are something I am very uncomfortable with but didn't push my views on him as its his choice.
A few nights out with him he's disappeared leaving me on my own in the pub. His family told me one of these nights he's taking drugs but he swore he didn't and he doesn't do them anymore. He's also gone out and not come home many times leaving me worried but I turned a blind eye to it all.
Again recently I found messages on his phone looking for drugs with his friends even though still telling me he doesn't do them. After a night out he brought friends back and I found powder on the TV stand, baring in mind we had a small baby going round the house.
I suppose we both grew up differently, drugs is normal in his family and drinking also. They openly talk bout drink and drugs around they're kids. I avoid bringing my son to events there as I don't want it to be a normal thing for him.
I'm a bit lost and questioning my relationship. I trusted his word for years that he wasn't into drugs when he was taking them behind my back. It's the amount of lies he's told over the years I'm questioning. And now he is drinking every night too which is another worry. The last night out he had he was fighting and I had to leave with my son the next day while the guards spoke to him. He is still a hard worker and an amazing dad but I dont want my son around these things.
Are my being petty? We have just bought a house together and we're thinking about trying for another baby but since finding the messages and uncovering his lies I'm unsure what to do.

OP posts:

TheAverageUser · 17/07/2022 09:35

It feels like you knew what he was like but chose to ignore it or wanted to believe something different. I think if you let it go now you'll always be doing it so the question is if you want to live that way forever.

luxxlisbon · 17/07/2022 09:35

How on earth is it petty?? He is not an amazing dad, he goes on benders and leaves drugs on the furniture for his child to access!

Jedsnewstar · 17/07/2022 09:37

For the love of god….Good dads don’t like to their child’s mother. Good dads don’t take drugs. Good dads don’t leave drugs around the house. Good dads don’t bring scabby friends back to the house his child lives.

I could go on. Please don’t have any more children with someone who won’t change. Protect your child.

Jedsnewstar · 17/07/2022 09:37

Lie not like

BeforeIforget · 17/07/2022 09:38

I think you’d be crazy to continue with this relationship. He has clearly lied to you all this time. Your priority is your child, and this environment isn’t safe for him.
Sorry this is happening to you.

WildOats5678 · 17/07/2022 09:40

Turn a blind eye to exposing your 5 year old soon to drugs and excessive drinking? Think of your child not you or your husband.

MeatballMeatball · 17/07/2022 09:41

This isn’t normal. You shouldn’t have to check the house for drug traces before letting you child wander around.

GreenManalishi · 17/07/2022 09:41

I'm sorry, but I have got some news... he's not an amazing dad. He's lying to their mother, he's taking drugs, binge drinking and getting in fights. You've seen text messages to support the drug taking, you've had the guards round your house. What exactly are you waiting for in order to believe your own eyes instead of the bullsh*t he's been spinning you all of these years? Do not have another child with this man, you will dig yourself in deeper. Don't do it.

You need to decide if this is the kind of partner you want for yourself, because he is showing you who he is, so believe him. Word are easy, and it sound's like he's got you well on the hook. He will always be your DC father, there is nothing you can do about that, but you can show them that his behaviour was not good enough for you, and have a peaceful home for you and your DC moving forward without all of this mayhem. It doesn't get better. Take it from me.

Mally100 · 17/07/2022 09:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Mally100 · 17/07/2022 09:49

BeforeIforget · 17/07/2022 09:38

This isn't something that's happening to her. She isn't some innocent victim here. She knows exactly what is happening, and still wants to have another child and turn a blind eye.

Poppyblush · 17/07/2022 09:50

Your partner is neither amazing or caring or a good dad to any degree at all. I can’t believe youre actually asking whether you should be leaving this prick because he is nothing more than an arsehole to be polite.

Poppyblush · 17/07/2022 09:50

And you are choosing to enable this which is almost as I think.

smileandsing · 17/07/2022 09:56

Take advice from someone who has lived your experience: GET OUT NOW!

He's a liar, in denial, and won't change. Don't ignore his massive flaws because he's a nice guy and a good Dad when he's not busy getting, using or using your family money to pay for drugs and alcohol.

This will get worse, get out now before it does. Don't wait and live to regret doing it sooner when you see how things have panned out. I wish I had, what came after the stage you're at was horrific, beyond anything I could have imagined. Trust me, it will be easier to manage on your own.

FatEaredFuck · 17/07/2022 09:57

Even ignoring the drugs - I couldnt put up with a partner who lied point blank to my face, drank every day. Disappeared regularly.

I'm sorry you were brought up thinking that was ok. You have put up with much more than the average person could.

TigerRag · 17/07/2022 09:58

He'll just carry on because he knows he can get away with it. How many chance would you keep giving him? Think of your 5 year old.

queenMab99 · 17/07/2022 10:00

Do not turn a blind eye to this, he needs to move out, and should not have sole care of your son at all. My son lives with me because of his addiction to drugs and alcohol. He does see his children, but at the moment, not on his own, so that me and his expartner know they are not being exposed to anything. He is trying to get clean, but has been trying for the last 20 years, with limited success.

AgentProvocateur · 17/07/2022 10:01

He’s a shit dad, and unless you make moves to take your child out of an environment where drug taking is the norm, you’ll be a shit parent too. Put your child first and don’t even consider having another one with such a loser.

C8H10N4O2 · 17/07/2022 10:02

For pity's sake he is not an "amazing dad" and you know that don't you?

He's a liar, into drugs and getting into fights. This is the prince that your DC has as a role model.

Better men are available.

smileandsing · 17/07/2022 10:02

Mally100 cut out the victim blaming! OP, like so many of us, thought that her partner would grow up and make more responsible choices. But he hasn't. Now she's realised this she's asking for advice so give it, or stay off the thread.

PurpleFlower1983 · 17/07/2022 10:03

Sorry but amazing dads don’t leave white powder around for a child to discover, this is more than enough for a social services referral. He needs to move out and asap.

Heronwatcher · 17/07/2022 10:03

He’s absolutely not an amazing dad. Leaving drugs around the house is absolutely appalling- if your child found and ate them they could die. If they didn’t die social services might well take them into care. Are you happy to take this risk?

MolkosTeenageAngst · 17/07/2022 10:04

Do you want your child to think it’s normal to be getting drunk every night, disappearing on benders for days on end, taking drugs and getting into fights so that the guards have to come around? If your partner gets arrested for his illegal behaviour do you want your child to think that’s normal too? Do you want your child to think that lying is fine and normal? How can he be an amazing Dad if that’s the example he’s setting for his son? Is this how you want your son to turn out? A liar, a drunk and a drug addict who gets into fights and lies to his family? How will you feel in 10 years time when it’s your son texting his friends for drugs, disappearing on benders and lying to his Mammy about where he’s been and what he’s doing because that’s the example he was set by his father?

Its unacceptable and if you can’t leave for yourself leave to protect your son and show him that his dads behaviour is not okay and not acceptable.

Badger1970 · 17/07/2022 10:05

Is it "wet blanket" parent day today on MN......................

Whitehorsegirl · 17/07/2022 10:06

I am sorry but you are in complete denial...

Good dads and husbands don't lie to their partners, leave drugs around the house where small children could easily access them or disappear for long periods of time.

Your kid deserves better than being raised in this environment.

Do you really want your son to be raised by a lying, drug-taking alcoholic?

Mally100 · 17/07/2022 10:09

smileandsing · 17/07/2022 10:02

Oh give over. It's not victim blaming, the op isn't a victim here. The victim is the child here. The op has had 10 years of knowing what he's like- at which point do you think she needs to take responsibility and accountability for her choices?? She has a child, who is being failed by both it's parents.

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