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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Do I turn a blind eye again?

43 replies

H2069 · 17/07/2022 09:33

Hi there. Looking for some advice.
Iv been with my partner 10 years and we have a 5 year old. He is an amazing dad and very caring most of the time. I knew my partner from school but we never spoke as I was shy and he was the guy always in trouble. He had a reputation for drugs and dealing. Met him on a night out years later, he told me he was no longer like this which I trusted and we have been together since. He told me back then that he didn't do drugs anymore. They are something I am very uncomfortable with but didn't push my views on him as its his choice.
A few nights out with him he's disappeared leaving me on my own in the pub. His family told me one of these nights he's taking drugs but he swore he didn't and he doesn't do them anymore. He's also gone out and not come home many times leaving me worried but I turned a blind eye to it all.
Again recently I found messages on his phone looking for drugs with his friends even though still telling me he doesn't do them. After a night out he brought friends back and I found powder on the TV stand, baring in mind we had a small baby going round the house.
I suppose we both grew up differently, drugs is normal in his family and drinking also. They openly talk bout drink and drugs around they're kids. I avoid bringing my son to events there as I don't want it to be a normal thing for him.
I'm a bit lost and questioning my relationship. I trusted his word for years that he wasn't into drugs when he was taking them behind my back. It's the amount of lies he's told over the years I'm questioning. And now he is drinking every night too which is another worry. The last night out he had he was fighting and I had to leave with my son the next day while the guards spoke to him. He is still a hard worker and an amazing dad but I dont want my son around these things.
Are my being petty? We have just bought a house together and we're thinking about trying for another baby but since finding the messages and uncovering his lies I'm unsure what to do.

OP posts:
3luckystars · 17/07/2022 10:14

Well I suppose you turned a blind eye when it just affected you, but now you are thinking about your child.

no it’s not ok, any of it. But what can you do. If you split up then he will have the care of your child half the time and if he is taking drugs (and of course he is) then that is not safe.

Im sorry you are going through this and all I can suggest is that you put down very strong rules for your home and tell him absolutely no drugs allowed, and if he is high then he needs to stay away for the night.
your child comes first.

H2069 · 17/07/2022 10:16

Thank you all for your comments. Just to clarify that he does not take drugs everyday. Its only on nights out.
Day to day he is a really good dad it's only when he goes out these things happen.
I'm removing myself from here now as I don't need anymore comments about me being a bad mother. I work very hard for my son and would never let anything happen to him. If I felt he was in danger in any way I would not be here. The day I found drugs in the house I did leave for some time. Thank you for your feedback.

OP posts:
ThinWomansBrain · 17/07/2022 10:26

It was irresponsible of you to ignore partners drug habit and bring a first shild into this one - and now you're thinking of inflicting this on a second?

smileandsing · 17/07/2022 10:27

Mally100* OP made choices in the past concerning her partner's behaviour that affected only her. I agree that now is the time for OP to make the decision to protect her child from his feckless Dad's poor life choices. This DOES NOT make her a 'pretty poor excuse for a mother' to quote you. Why are you trying to make her feel like it's too late already? Because it's not.

LaughingCat · 17/07/2022 10:28

Good god, you’re not a bad mum, you’re just in an impossible situation. Just said this on another thread but it still holds true here: you need to set some clear boundaries. Work out what you expect as a baseline for a happy relationship and family and enforce those boundaries.

Tell him you aren’t comfortable with the lying, the daily drinking, the drug use (that you have proof of) and the fighting. Tell him how those things make you feel (it doesn’t have to be judgemental, just your emotional response to them).

Like, “When I know you’ve taken drugs and been fighting, it makes me feel scared and also a bit angry that you’ve put yourself in a position where something bad could happen. When you lie to me, I feel really hurt and upset.”

Also tell him how amazing you think he is as a dad and husband when he isn’t doing those things. That you really love and value him.

Then try and work out together how you can tackle this situation. Otherwise he’s going to still do those things and you are going to feel helplessly worse and worse about it.

Bear in mind, he may say that he’s not willing to stop doing any of those things - at which point you need to make a decision as to whether you are willing to stay and raise a family with someone whose level of acceptable behaviour is so much different to your own. You can still raise a family together but be separated (horrible as that feels).

All the luck in working this out - it’s a crunch point for your relationship but hopefully you can work through it with him to the right conclusion for both of you.

Icanstillrecallourlastsummer · 17/07/2022 10:32

this is not something I would put up with - I would not want to be with someone who goes on drung binges and leaves class A drugs around my house. I wouldn 't want them around my children either - to me someone is like is categorically NOT a great dad. I think you are being complicit by turning a blind eye.

MouseShoes · 17/07/2022 10:53

Sounds like his family normalise drug taking, your dh takes drugs. Him and his family are now normalising drug taking around your child. What do you think this will tell your son?

GCHeretic · 17/07/2022 10:56

You’ve chosen to have a child with someone you know is heavily into drugs, and now continue to allow him to share a house with you.

You don’t seem to really care about your children, so I’d say just enjoy your time with them before they are old enough to turn their back on you for the life you have chosen.

GCHeretic · 17/07/2022 10:59

smileandsing · 17/07/2022 10:02

Mally100 cut out the victim blaming! OP, like so many of us, thought that her partner would grow up and make more responsible choices. But he hasn't. Now she's realised this she's asking for advice so give it, or stay off the thread.

Anyone choosing to have a child with someone like her husband, based on sim ridiculous idea that he will become a better person is equally culpable.

Being stupid is no excuse for exposing a child to a dangerous troubled childhood.

spotcheck · 17/07/2022 11:11

Aw, OP,
You are making excuses for him ( it’s normal in his family/ he was raised differently etc).
This is very very serious though. He has the power to lead your children down the same path.
It’s not like he wants to stop ( although I’m sure he will plead otherwise if you threaten to walk) because he is lying to you. He still obviously surrounds himself with people who are in that lifestyle as those are the ones he chooses to go out with.

FabFitFifties · 17/07/2022 11:24

OP, I hope you are still around. Please listen to people. For your child's sake now, and in the future, leave this man. This is a 1 Social Services referral.

Luredbyapomegranate · 17/07/2022 12:02

The reality is he isn't a good Dad - good father's don't go off on binges.

I do think you know this.

Whatever you do don't have another baby with him.

It sounds like he has had a terrible example from his family, and the danger is he'll pass that onto your kids.

You sound like you have your head screwed on so I suspect you'll wake up to all this soon.

Luredbyapomegranate · 17/07/2022 12:02

fathers, not father's

FlissyPaps · 17/07/2022 12:47

Hmmm .. OP asks if they’re being unreasonable. When told they are, they don’t like it and leave. Standard.

Unanananana · 17/07/2022 14:01

Another kid that'll be fucked up by an apologist parent who justifies their partners horrific behaviours by saying 'they are a good parent'.

No. He isn't a good parent. And nor are you for bringing your DC up with that as a role model.

Maray1967 · 17/07/2022 14:17

I remember a similar thread a while back and I said on there that I would not let my child go to a child’s house where I knew the parents did drugs. I’m sure I can’t be the only parent with that view.

If I’m not, then you’re running the risk of your child being the child who other children don’t play with outside school because the parents want no contact with a drug taking parent.

This isn’t your main concern at the moment but you need to be very clear that if you minimise his drug taking and accept it, other people might not. There is no way any man taking drugs would be allowed in my house. I have never allowed anyone to smoke a single cigarette in my house.

ConsuelaHammock · 17/07/2022 14:24

He took and sold drugs and you’re worried that he’s now taking drugs? He’s not a good role model for your child is he ?

Hutchy16 · 17/07/2022 14:27

It’s like you are trying to have your kid taken away from you by child services. Staying in a home with drugs is going to get you child taken away from you if they find out

ditch him until he can prove he is clean and not touching the stuff at all even to sell (he won’t be able to prove it) and make sure you provide a stable home for your child

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