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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not visit MIL…

41 replies

LostLeftShoe · 16/07/2022 22:36

…every week?
I’m due back to work from maternity leave soon. While being off we’ve developed a routine of visiting MIL every Friday and having dinner there. We live 30 minutes away and she doesn’t drive. We live opposite ends of a big city so it’s crossing a motorway meaning at certain points of the day it’s a 30 minute drive but as soon as traffic gets busy at rush hour times it’s easy an hour.

Anyway now I’m due back to work I’ll have a lot less free time and I don’t really want to do this on a weekly basis anymore. However it’s clear MIL thinks it will be a long term arrangement and due to her not driving she doesn’t even consider her coming to us as an option. It cannot just be a short visit as due to the times whereby I wouldn’t even consider being stuck in slow moving traffic for an hour with DD in the car and I don’t want to lose one of our few days off together to it.
Would I be unreasonable to stop going every week? How often would be reasonable to visit? And I’m I being unreasonable in thinking there’s no reason why she can’t visit us?

OP posts:

MatildaTheCat · 16/07/2022 22:43

Of course that’s fine. Your routine will be changing and both you and DC will be adapting to a new way of life. Just tell her it’s been lovely to visit so often during may leave but it will be different going forward and you can’t commit to sticking to such regular visits.

Obviously don’t drop her or neglect her but encourage plenty of contact via phone/ FaceTime or whatever and visit when you can.
If her coming to you is some she could do albeit by public transport then invite her and wait.

Harridance · 16/07/2022 22:44

She needs to alternate visits ideally

Ontomatopea · 16/07/2022 22:46

I'd go every other week on your day off. You don't say her state of health at the moment but is that something you need to consider?

Ontomatopea · 16/07/2022 22:47

And can your spouse not facilitate this?

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 16/07/2022 22:48

Let your husbands visit her when you don’t feel like it.

Youaremysunshine14 · 16/07/2022 22:49

I’d reduce it to once a month and if she wants to see you in between she has to visit you. Days off when you’re back at work are so precious, you don’t want to spend every week with her.

WhatsInAMolatovMocktail · 16/07/2022 22:50

No I definitely wouldn’t commit to it as a weekly thing.

If your mil doesn’t drive, as an alternative could dh go and fetch her on a Saturday and she could stay with you overnight, once a month? If you have room.

Talipesmum · 16/07/2022 22:50

Not unreasonable to not schedule visits in the same way every week. It’s impossible to tell whether there’s “no reason” she can’t visit you just as easily - obviously that depends on how long it would take on public transport, how expensive, and her state of health / mobility. But even if it makes it hard for her to come to you, it doesn’t mean you should visit weekly.

Cherrysoup · 16/07/2022 22:53

What is your Dh doing to facilitate visits? I would say reduce it to once every few weeks if you’re working. Your Dh can take the baby to see her more often. Why are you even asking, it’s his job, don’t let it become ‘wife work’ to ensure she sees the baby. Does she even want to see you and your Dh?

Harridance · 16/07/2022 22:56

Does the city have a bus service? Or taxis?

Original poster

LostLeftShoe · 16/07/2022 23:13

I don’t think it is about seeing me or DH. I find her a little entitled when it comes to DD. Heath wise she’s absolutely fine, she’s early 50s with no ailments. Transport wise it would be two trains - one into city and one from city to town. Manageable but obviously not as easy as having DD brought to her. I don’t really want DH going regularly with DD as my time spent with DD will be reduced so I’d sooner not have her gone often tbh.

OP posts:

Gonnabegrandma · 17/07/2022 00:14

Gosh she’s younger than me ! She can easily pop over and visit you too ! But arrange times ect to suit you . You need mummy and baby day by yourselves but no reason you all need to travel to her all the time . Mix up the travelling and some weeks have no visits at all

RiojaRose · 17/07/2022 00:46

I’m early 50s. I have no difficulties at all getting two trains. If I had a grandchild to visit I would find it even easier

BoxOfCats · 17/07/2022 02:10

Yanbu. And going back to work is the perfect excuse to change things. Suggest moving to a monthly catch up with her alternating visiting you.

Mally100 · 17/07/2022 04:10

What a stifling arrangement. I would definitely use back to work to cut this down to once a month max. She can come to you if she's really that bothered.

Flederjo · 17/07/2022 05:24

Just let her know that due to working again the weekly visits will have to stop, but she is welcome to visit (on days chosen and named by you).
What's so difficult? She's not elderly!

Sweatinglikeabitch · 17/07/2022 06:36

I'd just say "I start work next week so I'm not sure when we'll be able to visit again. I'll try to arrange something when we're settled into a routine but if you want to visit us just give us a ring." Obviously it will change when you go back to work , don't even humour the idea it wouldn't.

AperolWhore · 17/07/2022 06:45

Just be honest and to the point, as you know I’m back at work on x date and our routine will change. As I’ll be adapting to the new routine I won’t be visiting every week but why don’t you come for lunch on x date? Leave it at that, the ball is in her court now.

DelurkingLawyer · 17/07/2022 08:19

How on earth did she get to see you before your DD was born? Surely you didn’t always go to her? She can go back to visiting you by whatever means she used pre DD.

magaluf1999 · 17/07/2022 08:28

I'd end the next visit, oh ive loved our fridays Sue, with me being back at work fridays wont work any more how about we pop for lunch on Sunday week after next?

So immediately state the intent. On that visit she may assume weekly has moved to Sunday. So be firm. We have plans next weekend but weekend after would work if you came to us. If you get the train over Saturday afternoon DH could run you back at teatime?

Howyiz · 17/07/2022 11:32

LostLeftShoe · 16/07/2022 23:13

Of for God sake! Just tell her she will have to do the visiting once you are back to work.
If you want to compromise your husband can drop her home after dinner.

jamimmi · 17/07/2022 11:46

I'm early 50s work full time and have a teenager. Unless mil has a disability you haven't mentioned she can get the train. Does she not work? I would also make it clear you aren't comiting to regular days now. Just be clear that your back to work now so need time at home when your off so will see her in couple of weeks if she wants to pop over at a weekend

AnneElliott · 17/07/2022 13:54

Goodness she's young to be a MIL! Why can't she travel on a train? Does she not work still? My H is 51 and still works full time and would be bemused at the idea he's too elderly to get 2 trains!!

rookiemere · 17/07/2022 14:47

Early 50s - good grief - I'm early 50s and working as are most people my age.
How many days a week are you working?
Regardless scale it back to once a month, tell her you'd be happy for her to visit at the weekends if she travels to yours.

RandomMess · 17/07/2022 14:53

I would be very clear you won't be able to do weekly visits anymore. If she doesn't work then she has plenty of time to travel to and from yours. Invite her to yours and let her turn you down if she can't be bothered to make the effort!

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