Don’t want to “make friends” with neighbour’s dog…

[randomdogfriend]

NC for this. Sorry it's long!


Small backstory: Neighbour has a yappy dog that never stops, it comes right up to the fence in our back garden and barks incessantly whenever any of us go into the garden. It also barks at passers by on the street - it literally follows them along the fence yapping incessantly as they walk down the street. Neighbour does very little to address this - the occasion half hearted “stop that (name of dog)”, but it doesn’t listen to her and she doesn’t physically remove it. Last year I had a word with the neighbour about this through the fence - the barking was so bad it was upsetting my then newborn aged baby as we sat in the garden. She argued back with me and was generally unpleasant, so I threatened to report her if it didn’t stop. This was around 12 months ago and I’ve had no interactions with her since. The dog has done its usual nuisance barking at the fence when we’ve been out in the garden but I’ve largely tried to ignore it, and now that DD is a bit older she isn’t as startled or bothered by it. So we just largely ignore now.

Today I took DD (now 15 months) out in the garden to play. I sat on the grass relaxing whilst she played. Yappy dog approached the fence as per usual, but we were far enough away from the fence that I could mostly tune it out and just focus on playing with DD. DD didn’t seem remotely bothered by it either. I was then aware of neighbour approaching the fence and heard her say “oh are you saying hello (dogs name)?” Dog continued to incessantly yap. I ignored and continued to play with DD.

Next thing I heard “excuse me can I talk to you?“ through the fence. The fence is too high to see over it, and you can just about make out a person through the slats but I couldn’t really see her. I said “sorry, do you mean me?” (Not really able to see anyone at this point, just a shadow through the fence, and I was also sat a good few feet away from the fence. She said “yes”. I said “erm, yeah I suppose, I can’t see you but I can hear you”. She said “I’m sorry my dog barks and annoys you”. I replied “that’s ok” and then continued to engage with DD who was toddling around (so my attention was more focussed on her and I honestly didn’t want to have any interaction with anyone else at that point). I was hoping this would end the conversation. She continued: “if you made friends with her, she wouldn’t bark at you”. I just again decided to give a one word answer in the hope she would disengage from me as all I wanted to do was relax and play with DD. I replied again “right, ok”. She then continued… “if you made friends with her she wouldn’t bark and then you wouldn’t complain, would you”.

At this point I got irritated as she was pushing an unwanted conversation and also implying I had “complained” when I’d had one interaction with her about this a whole year ago where I’d threatened to complain but not followed that through, and also not mentioned the dog to her since.

I replied: “I just want to enjoy my garden with my DD. I don’t want to have to make friends with a dog through the fence. If your dog is barking constantly it’s because you aren’t training her properly, and that’s up to you to address. It’s not down to other people to make friends with your dog”.

It was more than I wanted to invest in the interaction but to be honest she had annoyed me by that point.

She then said, randomly, “how old is your daughter now?” I replied with her age. In between I was playing with DD and interacting with her, hoping neighbour would get the hint that I didn’t want to engage with her. She then said “what’s her name?” I replied with her name. Just one word answers to try to end it. She then said “ok. I just thought we could be friends that’s all”. Then she (presumably) walked off back to her house (like I say, limited visibility through the fence).

The whole interaction was just so random. Firstly I hadn’t commented on her dog, I was minding my own business and playing with DD. Also a whole year has passed since our last interaction so why approach me now? It would have made sense if I’d complained there and then about the dog, but I’d said nothing. I was just ignoring it as I usually do.

If it’s relevant this isn’t a next door neighbour as such. It’s hard to explain but we are a detached house and her back garden and mine back share a boundary fence. Our houses are nowhere near each other and are actually on separate streets. I am friends with my next door neighbour, by choice, who is lovely. I have no desire to be friends with this other neighbour or her dog.

Was I mean or unreasonable to not want to be friends with either her or her dog? When I'm in my garden I just want to relax and enjoy my garden and my daughter. Is this reasonable? Also, should random people be expected to befriend dogs, or is the onus on the owners to stop the barking regardless?

Any thoughts welcomed.

[randomdogfriend]

@itsgettingweird

You can buy it or not. I don't care. If the dog bothered me today I'd have said something, surely? I didn't. I just cracked on enjoying my afternoon.

[PinkArt]

I read the situation the same way @RockinHorseShitdid. Someone else has had enough of the bloody dog and complained and now she's in fix it mode so she doesn't get in to trouble with the council or the RSPCA. She clearly doesn't think the yappy dog is actually her problem to solve, otherwise she wouldn't have done the victim blaming nonsense with suggesting it's on you to fix by befriending it. If she was genuinely sorry about the noise pollution then she'd be apologising properly and telling you what she is doing to fix it
Oh and women don't owe others polite or kind. So often the answers here reveal our social conditioning. 'You weren't very nice'. And? This woman hasn't been nice to the OP for the last year and still doesn't seem to be taking any ownership of the problem. It's ok for us to not be nice if a situation doesn't merit it.

[Loveisnotloving]

@randomdogfriend

The only thing my daughter learned from today is that mummy prioritised playing with her in the garden over talking to a neighbour about something that I didn't want to talk about. She did not witness shouting, anger, or heightened emotions of any type. She witnessed mummy continuing to engage and play with her. I mean, I think she'll be ok..... 😬

No she witnessed rudeness and dismissive behaviour. You don’t have to shout to be angry and the fact you cut the legs from under a woman who was trying to sort out the situation shows the calibre of your character. That’s what she will learn. Ignorance and discourteous behaviour to someone who is doing their best to be nice.
Rudeness is the weak persons imitation of strength .
Crack on with the great example for your child, you are playing a blinder.

[randomdogfriend]

Oh and women don't owe others polite or kind. So often the answers here reveal our social conditioning. 'You weren't very nice'. And? This woman hasn't been nice to the OP for the last year and still doesn't seem to be taking any ownership of the problem. It's ok for us to not be nice if a situation doesn't merit it.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

[Colourmeclear]

Maybe I'm a manipulative old hag, but I would have tried to be nice before gently suggesting she train the dog. After putting up with it for a year, I would want to be able to calmly put my view across in a way that is mostly likely to achieve the outcome I wanted, that the dog would shut up.

However if I don't want to have a conversation, I say so. I find it annoying when adults won't just say what they want and then get offended when you can't read their mind. If you don't want to have a conversation then end it, politely. She couldn't even see you so had even less of a sign that you didn't want to talk.

[randomdogfriend]

Crack on with the great example for your child, you are playing a blinder.

Thank you. I'm a really good mum and I do my best. Thank you for this lovely compliment 😀

[HermioneKipper]

Good luck with this OP.

someone told me on a thread about other people’s dogs the other day that

1. my toddler was unreasonable for walking at a local lake and being knocked over and therefore frightened of dogs
2. i should carry treats with me to distract untrained dogs that approach me and jump ip

AIBU is mad sometimes.

Your neighbour sounds like an idiot. People with untrained dogs are one of my absolute bugbears

[randomdogfriend]

@Colourmeclear

Fair enough i accept I should have just said "no thanks " when she asked to talk to me. To me that feels more rude and dismissive so I gave her the benefit of the doubt. I won't do that next time.

[randomdogfriend]

@HermioneKipper that's insane! You should carry treats?! 😱

[randomdogfriend]

@PinkArt

You sound like my kind of person 😀

[Greenday49]

@randomdogfriend

Genuine question to those who think I'm unreasonable: what would you have done or said differently? I repeatedly tried to end an unwelcome interaction, I didn't say anything rude or offensive. Just tried to disengage. So please do tell me what you might have done or said differently? Assuming you had no interest in being friends?

I'd have done as she asked. Owners know their dogs best. The dog knowing who you are will likely stop it reacting to you. Plus I am not impolite nor a self-important snowflake. It wouldn't mean I had to 'be friends' with her.

[PinkArt]

@randomdogfriend Full disclosure, I am not a dog person and can't bear the attitude of a lot (not all) of dog people. All that 'he's just being friendly' as it leaps all over people. If you want to invite an animal to live in your house, make sure it knows how to behave, don't make it everyone else's problem.

[MissyB1]

@randomdogfriend

@itsgettingweird

You can buy it or not. I don't care. If the dog bothered me today I'd have said something, surely? I didn't. I just cracked on enjoying my afternoon.

yeah nothing to see here at all … that’s why I started a thread on mumsnet.

You weren’t in the slightest bit bothered, but thought mumsnetters needed to know that you weren’t bothered at all…. Okaaaay …

[Goldbar]

Some people don't like dogs. They don't want anything to do with them. If a dog is barking excessively, it's the owner's problem to solve, not their neighbour's by 'making friends' with a dog they'd rather avoid.

I don't think YABU, OP - not your dog and only your problem because the owner hasn't taken sufficient action to sort it out. And you must have a lot of patience to have put up with the dog for the past year. I'd have put up one of those ultrasonic dog silencer things or would have played loud music next to the fence every time her dog started barking before now. You've just serenely risen above it and ignored the barking, which is more than I would have done.

[randomdogfriend]

@MissyB1

I said the dog barking doesn't bother me anymore - I've learned to tune it out.

Today what bothered me was thing dog owner imposing her incessant "just be friends with my dog" on me.

It's not my fault you don't understand what I'm posting about.

[ClinkeyMonkey]

Don’t make friends with the dog, fair enough. But maybe try and be a nicer person.

[randomdogfriend]

You've just serenely risen above it and ignored the barking, which is more than I would have done.

I've had to for my own peace. Plus over winter it's much more easily done, as we weren't in the garden as much. The main issue last time was my newborn was distressed and cried when it barked. Now DD seems less bothered by it (she didn't even seem to notice today tbh), it's a lot easier to just focus on playing with her and tune it out.

[MissyB1]

@ClinkeyMonkey

Don’t make friends with the dog, fair enough. But maybe try and be a nicer person.

Yep this 👆
I don’t fancy your chances though.

[randomdogfriend]

@ClinkeyMonkey

Don’t make friends with the dog, fair enough. But maybe try and be a nicer person.

I'm a lovely person to my family and friends and those who are lovely to me.

But thanks for the advice.

[winterchills]

To be honest you sound really rude. She's trying to make peace with you. No need for the bad attitude you could have even tried to be polite. I feel sorry for the woman, yes her dogs annoying but there's no need for u to carry on being rude a year later

[randomdogfriend]

@PinkArt

@randomdogfriend Full disclosure, I am not a dog person and can't bear the attitude of a lot (not all) of dog people. All that 'he's just being friendly' as it leaps all over people. If you want to invite an animal to live in your house, make sure it knows how to behave, don't make it everyone else's problem.

I actually like most dogs, ironically! I just can't stand the yappy badly trained ones who harass me in my garden. Actually that's unfair to the dog. It's not its fault. It's poor ownership.

[randomdogfriend]

@winterchills

To be honest you sound really rude. She's trying to make peace with you. No need for the bad attitude you could have even tried to be polite. I feel sorry for the woman, yes her dogs annoying but there's no need for u to carry on being rude a year later

"Rude" and "unkind" keep getting thrown around and despite me asking posters multiple times to quote me from my OP where I was either of these things - no one has been able to do so.

[hangrylady]

OP: AIBU
MN: Yes
OP: No I'm not!
Why bloody ask then? 🙄

[RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie]

@randomdogfriend

@honeybeesknees

Yes exactly. You expect privacy in your garden don't you. It felt very intrusive.

She asked if she could talk to you, through a fence. It's hardly intrusive.

Anyway - you're either somebody bored and being a dick for kicks, or if genuine, probably not terribly nice. Either way, enjoy your life.