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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Blimey the pressure to get married!!

30 replies

girlfriend44 · 16/07/2022 13:52

Cousin has just got married been with boyfriend about 10 years. On the wedding cake it said finally how weird is that!! A few comments were banded around as well saying at long last etc.

What is the pressure to get married?

OP posts:
Thestoppedfan · 16/07/2022 13:54

Could it be because the wedding had been postponed due to covid? We had a lot of ‘at last’ and ‘finally’ jokes in our wedding not because we had been together 7 years but because it was our 3rd attempt at it (3rd time lucky!).

Original poster
girlfriend44 · 16/07/2022 13:57

I think it was because they had finally tied the knot about what some people perceived to be a long time?

OP posts:
Spohn · 16/07/2022 14:07

mystery solved, then.

DogsAndGin · 16/07/2022 14:07

It is a really long time though 🤷🏼‍♀️ the average time before marriage is 2-5 years

EmmaH2022 · 16/07/2022 14:08

But presumably they put the writing on the cake…

DrAddisonForbesMontgomery · 16/07/2022 14:09

It is a really long time to be together and then get married - and I say that as someone who waited 10 years.
I don't think it's anything to do with pressure, just simple comments that they've finally done it. It's just one of those things people say I think!

Tisyphone · 16/07/2022 14:10

I’d been with my partner 21 years before I finally agreed to get married. I don’t think there was any ‘pressure’, but I doubt I’d have taken the slightest notice if there had. Other peoples’ assumptions are their problem.

ZaraSizeMedium · 16/07/2022 14:10

Well obviously one of them also thought it was a long time - seeing as they had the word “finally” put on the wedding cake? Confused

JorisBonson · 16/07/2022 14:10

It's funny? I just sent a card that said just that to friend who have just got engaged after 12 years.

Monoandsix · 16/07/2022 14:10

I'd say ten years is quite a long time though.

I was with DH 8 years before we got married. That felt long and we did have a 5 year engagement! We were quite young when we met so didn't really feel the need to get married quickly.

Fabswingers · 16/07/2022 14:18

Because when there is such a huge gap or being together so long and not married, it sounds more like they settled for each other as they didn’t end up finding the one, otherwise why wait so long.

This isn’t what I think by the way, just the general assumption when there is such a long gap.

EmmaH2022 · 16/07/2022 14:26

Fabswingers · 16/07/2022 14:18

Because when there is such a huge gap or being together so long and not married, it sounds more like they settled for each other as they didn’t end up finding the one, otherwise why wait so long.

This isn’t what I think by the way, just the general assumption when there is such a long gap.

I never think of that
why would you if they’ve been together all that time?

my parents might have this mindset. Some friends got married in their 70s and they were puzzled. I thought it was very obvious- inheritance tax.

sunlovingcriminal · 16/07/2022 14:29

DogsAndGin · 16/07/2022 14:07

It is a really long time though 🤷🏼‍♀️ the average time before marriage is 2-5 years

Strange. On Mumsnet people usually say that marrying after a couple of years is irresponsible!

Original poster
girlfriend44 · 16/07/2022 14:38

why do you need to get married though, some people have been happily together years and not got married, but they have been together longer than the married couples who have long since divorced.

OP posts:
Hbh17 · 16/07/2022 14:39

25 years for one couple in my family - & frankly, it's nobody's business, so we never asked why.

alphapie · 16/07/2022 14:41

girlfriend44 · 16/07/2022 13:57

I think it was because they had finally tied the knot about what some people perceived to be a long time?

Or they perceived it as a long time...

InChocolateWeTrust · 16/07/2022 14:42

10 years is a long time to be together and not get married, unless you never plan to of course

GoldenSpiral · 16/07/2022 14:43

People definitely said 'finally' when DH and I got married, 10 years into our relationship. We were never pressured though as we met young. I think you're reading too much into it OP, it's just something people casually say without much thought at all.

InChocolateWeTrust · 16/07/2022 14:44

Girlfriend44

Why do you need to? Well duh there are lots of legal protections and it's a commitment lots of people want to make.

My view would be why not.

InChocolateWeTrust · 16/07/2022 14:48

I guess I am unusual though in that I know very few divorced people!!

Ontomatopea · 16/07/2022 15:10

girlfriend44 · 16/07/2022 14:38

why do you need to get married though, some people have been happily together years and not got married, but they have been together longer than the married couples who have long since divorced.

They wanted to presumably?

Original poster
girlfriend44 · 16/07/2022 15:23

InChocolateWeTrust · 16/07/2022 14:44

Girlfriend44

Why do you need to? Well duh there are lots of legal protections and it's a commitment lots of people want to make.

My view would be why not.

the commitment is surely staying together you dont need to be married to do that.

to do if for legal reasons dosent seem very romantic tbh.

OP posts:
DrAddisonForbesMontgomery · 16/07/2022 20:33

The thing is it isn't always romantic.
I adore my husband and he
adores me, we are very much in love with each other BUT we did get married for legal reasons. No its not romantic but it doesn't mean we don't love each other, it just means that whilst we were committed to each other before we got married we now have the same name, same name as dd and we have all the legal stuff sorted.

EmmaH2022 · 16/07/2022 22:24

girlfriend44 · 16/07/2022 15:23

the commitment is surely staying together you dont need to be married to do that.

to do if for legal reasons dosent seem very romantic tbh.

Show quote history

It’s not meant to be romantic when you do it for legal reasons

it is a legal agreement. Romance gets attached to it by some but not all. I think they should teach that in school as so many seem unaware of the legal implications.

meanwhile, as I said, presumably your friends wanted that writing so ask them why.

Wishyfishy · 16/07/2022 22:30

I would imagine that it’s something they are more conscious of than other people.. no one else would have written that on the cake.

A close friend got married after 10 years and she was extremely aware of how long it had been and prior to getting engaged used to say a lot that people would start to call her names along the lines of “Waity Katy” etc. The thing is, no one thought that. They got together as teenagers so actually getting married 2-3 years into their relationship would have been incredibly young.

I think length of courtship correlates often by age of couple. A couple getting together at 30 and marrying at 40 would be unusual I suppose but so equally would be getting together at 18 and marrying at 20.

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