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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be worried it looked like ds was being racist

40 replies

Ntsure · 16/07/2022 10:07

My ds is 9 and autistic, he got a magazine to read whilst waiting did his little brothers football class and it came with a minecraft banana/scarf/face mask sleeve thing.
There is a little boy in my younger sons football class who wears a patka

Ds put the bandana on his head tied up In a knot and then loudly laughing and shouting "look! Look! Hahahahaaaa" (because he was excited that he'd put it on)
I just told him go take it off and put it in his bag.
I'm so worried it looked like he was making fun of this little boy (he 100% wasn't, he was just trying to put the bandana on) the boys dad was right next to us and now I'm so worried he think my son was making fun of his little boy or that were awful racists or something.
I don't know if I'm over thinking this or if that is what it looked like but I'm horrified at the idea

OP posts:
Jossfromtenko · 16/07/2022 10:08

OH FOR FUCKS SAKE

Original poster
Ntsure · 16/07/2022 10:17

Jossfromtenko · 16/07/2022 10:08

OH FOR FUCKS SAKE

?? This is the exact type of situation that concerns me now that ds is getting older, because he doesn't have the understanding that others his age do, and you would not know he has additional just by looking at him.

OP posts:
rushrushflat · 16/07/2022 10:41

Think you need to get a grip OP. This is what is wrong with the woke left ideology being shove around today, people are petrified of possibly upsetting some one. You have a child let them live.

It gets to a point of hysteria and then s is why people are now starting to push back. 🙄

Siameasy · 16/07/2022 10:48

Kids do silly things. That’s always been the case. Even if a kid did something racist, apologise and move on.

MiriMollyMartha · 16/07/2022 10:50

Kids are kids. Sometimes they make mistakes. We teach them and then they learn. It isn't the end of the world. We can't go through life petrified of offending anyone.

CapMarvel · 16/07/2022 10:57

rushrushflat · 16/07/2022 10:41

Think you need to get a grip OP. This is what is wrong with the woke left ideology being shove around today, people are petrified of possibly upsetting some one. You have a child let them live.

It gets to a point of hysteria and then s is why people are now starting to push back. 🙄

This is what is wrong with people who go around going "WOKE!" and "It's PC GAWN MAD".

Being concerned that you might offend or upset another person is actually a good thing, you realise? It's the sign of someone who has some actual consideration for other people.

Yes, obviously OP's son wasn't doing it on purpose but even so it might have appeared that way, and the way to deal with it is just to engage both with the kid and with the boy's dad and move on. No big deal at all.

Lalosalamanca · 16/07/2022 10:58

Your child wasn't being racist. You KNOW this. You aren't responsible and nor can you control what others perceive his actions to be. You are wasting a lot of time and energy on it.

girlmom21 · 16/07/2022 11:08

He got a bandana and was excited to wear the bandana. That's it. No malice. Nothing to worry about.

StEthelburgaRose · 16/07/2022 11:28

Saying WOKE SNOWFLAKE PC GORN MAD makes people sound thick

AllanTottyKneesandToes · 16/07/2022 11:31

Yeah, if being woke is not wilfully offending someone, then I'm not taking someone calling me woke as an insult.

Snowflake on the other hand is a different matter. It's not me melting down because I can't insult anyone anymore.

Jossfromtenko · 16/07/2022 11:41

This deserves to have the piss taken out of it in every tabloid. Its almost as crackers as the woman who handed herself in to the police after releasing a goldfish and MN making her terrified she would go to prison 😀😀😀

I love how utterly insane these people are

ZarquonsSandals · 16/07/2022 11:49

rushrushflat · 16/07/2022 10:41

Think you need to get a grip OP. This is what is wrong with the woke left ideology being shove around today, people are petrified of possibly upsetting some one. You have a child let them live.

It gets to a point of hysteria and then s is why people are now starting to push back. 🙄

I'm not sure what's wrong with being concerned that you might have upset someone. I'll happily take 'woke' if that's what you mean.

OP, it's probably a bit late now, but in future, maybe you can explain in an appropriate way to your son that it is a cultural difference, and it's interesting. Let him know it is fine to be enthusiastic.
There's a difference between being rude and being interested/enthused. It sounds as though he was clearly in the second camp here.

Marvellousmadness · 16/07/2022 11:53

Maybe talk to your kid. Tell him to not do it anymore. And explain to him why. Dont hide behind an autistic label. But also do you know what? Not everything is racist op. I dont think your kid was racist but i do feel he was inappropriate. And considering his age he should know better
But I dont know how your kid functions within his asd. Only you do.

Ownedbyabeagle · 16/07/2022 12:04

Marvellousmadness · 16/07/2022 11:53

Maybe talk to your kid. Tell him to not do it anymore. And explain to him why. Dont hide behind an autistic label. But also do you know what? Not everything is racist op. I dont think your kid was racist but i do feel he was inappropriate. And considering his age he should know better
But I dont know how your kid functions within his asd. Only you do.

Why was it inappropriate? He was putting a bandana on, she didn't say he was imitating the other boy.
She said she thought they might think that.

User56785 · 16/07/2022 12:06

So what if he did think that?

Other people telling you that he did or did not think you are 'awful racists' is t going to help.

It's not up to other minority groups to make you feel any better about it. The man can feel how he feels, that's up to him.

MuffinMcLayLikeABundleOfHay · 16/07/2022 12:10

Why was it inappropriate? He was putting a bandana on, she didn't say he was imitating the other boy.
She said she thought they might think that.

I suppose it depends on how he put it on and what it looked like.

Most people wouldn't put on a bandana so it looks like a patka with a knot on the top.

Maybebabyno2 · 16/07/2022 12:17

Did he have it with the knot at the top? If not I can't understand why it's a problem. Don't give him a toy if you don't want him to play with it.

Isitsixoclockalready · 16/07/2022 12:21

rushrushflat · 16/07/2022 10:41

Think you need to get a grip OP. This is what is wrong with the woke left ideology being shove around today, people are petrified of possibly upsetting some one. You have a child let them live.

It gets to a point of hysteria and then s is why people are now starting to push back. 🙄

Or without using the situation to have a rant at 'lefties' we could just say to the OP "relax, clearly there was no ill will intended and doubtless others would be aware that her son wouldn't have been doing it for any malicious reason".

Mamamia7962 · 16/07/2022 12:25

It was a bandana that came free with a magazine. I would have just said "Oh that bandana looks lovely." You have no idea what the other person was thinking, if anything, not worth worrying over.

Original poster
Ntsure · 16/07/2022 12:38

Maybebabyno2 · 16/07/2022 12:17

Did he have it with the knot at the top? If not I can't understand why it's a problem. Don't give him a toy if you don't want him to play with it.

He did yes because it wasn't a proper bandana it was like a sleeve thing kind of
like a snood but in the magazine it showed you can use it as a snood, bandanna, headband and face mask etc so he tied the knot in it to keep it from falling down

OP posts:
Fupoffyagrasshole · 16/07/2022 12:43

this is mad tbh

TooManyPJs · 16/07/2022 12:46

Marvellousmadness · 16/07/2022 11:53

Maybe talk to your kid. Tell him to not do it anymore. And explain to him why. Dont hide behind an autistic label. But also do you know what? Not everything is racist op. I dont think your kid was racist but i do feel he was inappropriate. And considering his age he should know better
But I dont know how your kid functions within his asd. Only you do.

No but some comments are ableist and ignorant. Wtf does "hide behind an autistic label" mean? And you do know that ND children often are unable to "act their age" so his age is irrelevant as you don't know enough about this child to assess whether he is capable of acting or understanding like a NT 9 year old in this circumstance.

So fed up of this shit.

Original poster
Ntsure · 16/07/2022 12:54

Marvellousmadness · 16/07/2022 11:53

Maybe talk to your kid. Tell him to not do it anymore. And explain to him why. Dont hide behind an autistic label. But also do you know what? Not everything is racist op. I dont think your kid was racist but i do feel he was inappropriate. And considering his age he should know better
But I dont know how your kid functions within his asd. Only you do.

See this type of thinking is exactly why I was worried "considering his age he should know better" he doesn't know better
people will look at him and assume he knows better when he doesn't, he doesn't have the social awareness to understand how others might perceive his actions in the same way a neurotypical child of his age could. It's not hiding behind an autistic label but that is what autism is- a social communication difference.

OP posts:
chiffchaffchiff · 16/07/2022 13:11

I think telling him to take it off implied he was doing something he wasn't. Next time you could just say "good job, you put your bandana on all by yourself".

HRTQueen · 16/07/2022 13:12

None of us know how they guy felt and it’s not up to us to decide

i understand that your position is more tricky and you will face situations where you feel your son is being judged it’s not for me to say no he isn’t or you are wrong is it ?

you can guide your son as best you can to be aware and respectful that’s all