Works night out - am I too sensitive?

[Funkyslippers]

Colleague who I would also class as a friend arranged an end of term night out this week. Can't remember the last time we all got together. I was really looking forward to it. Throughout the evening however I noticed she didn't really speak to me at all but she was fawning over everyone else, taking selfies with everyone except me etc and as she'd organised it she was the centre of attention so, much as I tried to have a chat to people, all the attention seemed to be on her and her flitting from one person to the next so I didn't really get to speak to anyone for very long. In the end I left early. Next day she's posted around 80 pics, I'm in 2 of the whole group shots, no others, and everyone is tagged except me. I actually felt invisible! I'm usually confident in most situations and usually get on really well with her and all my colleagues that I know. I confided in a work friend who didn't come on the night out but didn't name the person but my friend knew exactly who I was talking about if that makes sense. She said she could sense that she could be a real bitch.I won't see her now until we go back in 6 weeks. How can I move on? I realise this person isn't a friend after all and isn't worth my headspace but as all the others pretty much ignored me too I've been quite upset and it's really knocked my confidence. She's also been a bit unpleasant over the past few years to a couple of other colleagues past & present. Any advice would be great. Thanks

Do you work in a school?

I think you are reading too much into it. I organised and hosted one of these last night, no pictures or posts, but I realised at the end of the night, I didn't even speak to one coworker. It wasn't intentional at all, I was just busy and preoccupied doing food and drinks and every time I turned around I was being asked to take a photo or where the toilet was.

I don't think she's not your friend. It is hard when you have one person at an event that you feel close to and they are the centre of attention- I've been there many times myself but I think it's very harsh to label her a bitch and end the friendship!

Thanks for your replies but I did sense that she was avoiding me for some reason

The fact she thinks it’s reasonable to post 80 photos online makes me think she’s very odd! I’d steer clear.

I guess she's not really your friend and doesn't sound the nicest of people.

It's good that the summer break is here and you can forget about her and this dinner.

Would you normally contact each other during the holidays?

If not, you are probably not really friends but are just work colleagues.

A colleague is at different level of friendship to a real friend.

Enjoy your Summer.

Yes we'd normally just casually message each other to see how we are and sometimes bump into each other locally. I shall wait and see if either happens. I won't be messaging her though

Sorry but this is ridiculous, if it’s a huge group event then you have plenty of other people to speak to and don’t need to be hanging around waiting to speak to this one person. Then “confiding” in someone else about it (ie gossiping) to the point where you’re both bitching about her isn’t nice.

sometimes on nights out you end up talking to some people more than others. That’s absolutely fine, she hasn’t done anything wrong and you need to make more friends

It’s odd to post 80 pictures of a work night out online. I work in a school, we go for work nights out and pictures are taken but we don’t post them online.
I know it’s hard but I would put it behind you. She is a colleague that you thankfully don’t need to see for a little while. She is not your friend and it seems like you have a better friend/colleague anyway.
When you return after the summer just act cool and completely unbothered by it, just keep being you!

doesnt sound like the nicest of people

what has she actually done wrong here?!

Why has she put 80 pictures of a standard work night out online?!

Trust your instincts, you were there and no one on here was. She sounds like the type that wants to ingratiate herself with everyone and will lovebomb new people, why would she bother with you if you are old news ☺️ Anyway as I said we weren’t there. 80 photos though, ick.

Because that's pretty much how many selfies she took with others!

Honestly, this could be down to so many things. Maybe she was being intentionally horrible (least likely if she's in any way a normal person, as who does stuff like that!), maybe she was just thoughtless, or busy mingling (big events that you've organised often lead to having to do this, and it's no slight on the guests), maybe you're over sensitive and picking up vibes that just weren't there.

We just don't know what's going on for other people. I try and view things with an "everyone is just doing the best they can" mentality. You can choose to dwell on it and second guess motivations (that way anxiety and upset lies) or chalk it up to one of those things, everyone was just out enjoying the evening, probably not thinking too deeply about interactions they were having, and let it go.

From what you've written, she doesn't sound like a very good friend, you know that know, so maybe distance yourself in terms of how much you invest in the friendship, and keep it more to the surface, friendly colleagues level. But try to put this behind you and chalk it up to just one of those things. You felt uncomfortable, that's valid, but it's done now, you're okay, and in the future you can be more guarded with your feelings around this woman, if you choose

It’s not her event though, it’s a group event. She can take and post as many selfies as she likes. Judging by what you’ve said she likes to show on social media that she’s quite the social butterfly but I really wouldn’t let it get to you. Either accept her for what she is (maybe insecure) or move on. Don’t dwell as I’m sure she’s not. It all sounds a bit like playground behaviour.

It sounds to me as though you see her as more significant than she does you. You think she's a friend, whereas to her you are just another colleague she's friendly towards.
Outgoing sociable people tend to treat everyone with a level of warmth and attention that less extrovert people can read as friendship, when in reality its just their personality.
In a group of mutual colleagues I don't think she had an especial responsibility to draw you in. You cound have taken your own selfies with people if you wanted to surely?

I know this type of person so well. They rely on you for when there's nobody ''higher status'' around to validate them. But when there is, oh boy, it's like they cannot help themselves, they are simultaneously fawning obsequiously over anybody they believe can validate them while icing you, keeping you at a bit of distance. Two personalities on the go simultaneously.

This situation has happened to me a lot and so I wondered what part of the equation I was fulfilling, you know, and I think it's that I put up with it. I have distanced myself from the fake friendships now. even if that means I miss out on some invitations now, so be it.

You mention a friendship with another woman who wasn't there. And I think this is your only solution, focus on individual friendships.

This woman is insecure in a GROUP setting by the sounds of it.

Go the opposite way. Nurture INDIVIDUAL relationships.

She's obsessed with appearing to be popular. You can focus on nurturing genuine connections with individuals.

Draw in other people. Was there anybody else on the outskirts of the love bombing? I bet there was. I bet those people are worthy of conversation and inclusion.

When this happened to me, I decided that harmonious inclusion was my goal and it made me mindful of the times I was included but somebody else was left out.

yes that does paint a picture.

Ah ok.. seems a lot were there loooads of people there? She might just not have had time to see you? Don't sweat it. Don't talk about her to other people or it might get back to her and add fuel to it if she doesn't like you.

I'm trying to work out how long that must have taken because I can't imagine much talking was taking place while having so many pictures.

But if that's what she wants to do fair enough.

Sorry OP but you sound a bit immature giving this so much headspace. It’s a work night out with work ‘friends’, and work friends aren’t real friends (most of the time) they are colleagues.

Also who posts 80 photos of a work night out. Sound a bit desperate for attention. Just chill on this one. It’s not worth stressing over.

I think it’s odd that the attention was on one person like it was their birthday or something.

We often have work nights out and sit round a big table and have conversations as a big group or have conversations with the people next to us.
We don’t all focus on one person all night, not even our boss.

This is just a theory and I Know that, ....she wanted to flit around chatting to everybody and she was concerned that you'd turn up to the do with an expectation that she was going to spend a significant part of the evening chatting to you so she had to distance herself from you before the event.

I wouldn't be surprised if she sends a text soon with some bland message like ''hey, that was a good night! wasn't it?'' or something to gauge how rejected you perceive yourself to be.

now that the big night out is behind her, it is ''safe'' for her to be your friend again ha ha.

If she does that, I'd wait a day to respond and say oh yes, it was fun. Give her nothing. Don't suggest meeting up or challenge her.

School yes? They can be harsh environments for friendship, I avoid end of term get togethers these days!
Treat her as a work colleague from now on & step back. Don't mention this, just leave it. Think of yourself & put your energy into other friendships especially away from work.
Being kind, it sounds like she got carried away being the organiser & centre of attention but you know her, maybe she's the type that will use social media to freeze someone out?
Either way, say nothing, be glad you don't have to see her for 6 weeks. Let her make contact & if she doesn't then you know she wasn't a friend.

You say she’s been unpleasant to other colleagues over the years… how and why? Does she have any reason to dislike these particular people? If she can be unpleasant to others for no apparent reason, maybe this is her MO and it’s ‘your turn’.

Take an honest look at how good a friend she’s been in the past, to you and others. Maybe she’s just a social butterfly who rarely commits to a single friendship beyond a superficial level. Or maybe she’s just a fairweather friend; not someone to see as a genuine mate.