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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Argument with spouse

43 replies

Yaa · 16/07/2022 08:11

So son goes to a sports club once a week and he hates it every week he argues with us to not go and it's a full battle to go.

he been there for over 8 weeks now and he didn't ask we thought he would like to go with his cousin.

this one evening he was particularly not wanting to go and was screaming and crying. My husband forced his clothes on and was yelling for him to go. I got upset and said to his dad 'did your dad force u to go to sports too'

now I'm in the understanding that we shouldn't force just listen to him and say fine don't go if he doesn't want to etc but as long as the alternative is not watching screens.

husband has been in a mood ignoring me and when he does talk he just says 'I don't want to force anything' for days. He won't talk to me about it or anything. He taken kids iPads and Nintendo but said he hasn't and is keeping out the house. At the time I said it he did yell I'm not forcing but encoraging him to keep doing this as he is being lazy and wanting stay at home and watch all time since then he has just ignored me.

i took son in the end with my other two kids as moral support and he does have fun but there are parts like splits he hates.

am I being unreasonable in this and saying this to husband?

i tried reaching out to him but he doesn't wanna talk and ignores messages it's been 2 days now

OP posts:

Finfintytint · 16/07/2022 08:22

There must be another activity your son can get involved in and enjoy. Bit mean to make him go if he clearly hates it.

NoSquirrels · 16/07/2022 08:25

Your DH sounds like an unreasonable, shouty, sulking arse.

Your DS needs to find a different activity he enjoys. An 8-week battle about it sounds exhausting.

Original poster

Yaa · 16/07/2022 08:27

Forgot to add if it makes much difference son is 8 years old and does do swimming after school too

OP posts:

Minimalme · 16/07/2022 08:40

Why are you both so hell bent on making your poor son do something he hates?

Would you or your husband like to be order out to do an activity, yelled at, forced to put your clothes on and have your phones removed so you have no access to something you would like to engage with instead?

You are fucking your kid up.

PancakesWithCheese · 16/07/2022 08:41

Why are you making him go to a club he doesn’t want to go to?

11Hawkins · 16/07/2022 08:46

You're both in the wrong for forcing him to do something he clearly doesn't enjoy. Ffs!
He does swimming it's not like he's not doing anything.

Snugglemonkey · 16/07/2022 08:47

He doesn't want to go, leave him alone! Tell your arse if a husband to leave him alone. What is so important about this activity that it is worth bullying uour son over?

Original poster

Yaa · 16/07/2022 08:51

I think the main reason is the fact the only thing he wants to do is sit at home and go on his iPad. There is a general feeling that he is not wanting to go not that he doesn't enjoy but that he just wants to play iPad. Although we do tell him if he doesn't go he won't be sitting watching ipad he still wants to stay home.

there also seems to be a chore getting him out to do much like go to park but when he does go he really enjoys himself and doesn't want to leave the park.

i asked him what it is about it that he really doesn't like he said he can't describe it.

my husband things I'm making him lazy by letting him not go and letting him stay home instead

OP posts:

billy1966 · 16/07/2022 08:51

Sounds awful OP.

What a stressful home you have.

He sounds like a nasty bully.

I think you should call Womeaid for a chat because yours does not sound like a happy healthy relationship.

Children often need encouraging to go to some activities at times, but dragging them is completely wrong and must be traumatic for your child.

billy1966 · 16/07/2022 08:52

If he is 8 you should be managing his screen time.

SarahSissions · 16/07/2022 08:56

Find another activity that he actually enjoys and wants to go to. Is there anything that might tie into whatever he is obsessed with on computer games wise? I did karate as a kid because I loved power rangers 😂
does he like football games, or if it’s an exploring game how about finding a kids parkour club?

Original poster

Yaa · 16/07/2022 08:58

The issue is I also agree we shouldn't be forcing him to do something he clearly doesn't want too! I have been biting my tongue as I know I would be met with snappyness from oh over not going. I am normally taking dtr to ballet (she loves) so have always told son to tell daddy why he doesn't wanna go and hope he will agree or stop his parents coming to take him.

husband family also take him and his cousin and are of the opinion we need to 'encourage' the children to go to these things as they will get lazy and bored.

it was this particular day I couldn't stop myself from speaking up as he was distraught locking himself in bathroom and crying. But now I get the silent moody treatment for asking if my husband dad ever forced him in a accusing Way. (Maybe not so well handled in front of the kids)

i did take him that day as also was taking his cousin who enjoys going and would have missed out if I didn't take them but took both dtrs with me to cheer him on and he was much calmer and happier going with me when we all went calmly.

qlso annoyed hubby taken his iPads and is denying it to us all. Son knows it was him and says it's cuz of when he was screaming

OP posts:

TreePoser · 16/07/2022 08:59

oh my god your husband is a control freak. Listen to what you know is right. You cannot force your son to go to something he hates and you know that.
Leave now and your son will understand why you had to end the marriage, ykwim?

My kids have always been supportive of me leaving their dad. They 100% understand why I did it and they know that we'd all be nervous wrecks if we'd stayed.

NerrSnerr · 16/07/2022 09:01

Forcing him to do a sport he hates isn't going to solve the iPad problem.

Activities should be fun and no one should be bullying an 8 year old into getting dressed.

TreePoser · 16/07/2022 09:03

PS, don't collude with this introspection with regard to whether or not you had the right to say x, y or z. Or to ask if you were right or wrong to ask your H what you asked him.

You shouldn't have to over analyse your right to ask the questions that come to you naturally. You should be able to JUST ASK.

You shouldn't have to live in fear of his reacting to your normal questions with the silent treatment.

He was trying to force your son to submit to his control and your son rightly objects. You have questioned this high level of control and you're being punished with the silent treatment.

I'd take the kids to your mum's for a week or ten days, NO contact. Have a think. Is this what you want?

Is this your life? Being trained to never question? Witnessing your DC upset by having to submit to his control?

NerrSnerr · 16/07/2022 09:03

husband family also take him and his cousin and are of the opinion we need to 'encourage' the children to go to these things as they will get lazy and bored.

Your husband's family are not his parents. Let the poor kid stop the activity if he hates it.

user1492757084 · 16/07/2022 09:03

I agree that too much ipad time is not healthy. Could your family work out a visual timetable with the help of your son? Clearly mark in a time that suits for ipad and equal or more (whatever you decide is healthy) for out door or active sports or playtime. Insist that your son chooses activities from your acceptable list for himself. If he reneges on the activity he has his ipad removed. Also, joining an activity of his choice for a set number of weeks is fair - not swapping and changing - as team sports, and instructional sports, are not successful without committment. Seeing his increase in skill level is where your son will feel reward for his efforts. At the end of a season is the time to ask whether he wants to enroll again.

butternutsquishh · 16/07/2022 09:05

Yabu to force your son to do something he doesn’t want to do

Your dh sounds horrible the whole environment sounds toxic

coffeecupsandfairylights · 16/07/2022 09:05

Your husband sounds awful - what kind of grown adult physically forces clothes on an eight year old to make them go to an optional activity?

But you should have stood up for your son way before now. If he hates it, then neither of you should be making him go, especially as he never asked to go in the first place.

Forcing him to attend an activity he hates won't stop him wanting screens. You need to remove the screens but that doesn't mean picking activities he hates as a replacement. I'd just let him be bored - he'll find something else to do eventually 🤷🏻‍♀️

ILiveInSalemsLot · 16/07/2022 09:07

Most children would choose staying at home playing on the iPad to most activities so often, there does need to be encouragement.
Talk to your son and find another activity he could try as he clearly hates this one.
Have a rule around iPad use. Teach him that gaming is for downtime when learning, activities and chores are done.

user1492757084 · 16/07/2022 09:08

Your husband and his childish communication is another issue except to say that your child needs to see a united, supportive and loving front, in terms of parenting. Your child could be learning your husband's non co-operative behaviour rather than not really disliking sports.

Testina · 16/07/2022 09:09

Just how much time is your 8yo spending on the iPad and does he has free access to it? Your husband’s behaviour was awful, but I am also getting the vibe about a kid refusing to do anything but laze about on a screen (one swimming lesson isn’t much balance) and a parent reaching the end of their tether.

He’s wrong to shout, he’s definitely wrong to sulk, and it’s just pathetic to lie about hiding the iPad. But I don’t see why you think asking if he was forced was something sort of killer line, and I wonder if he is fed up with you colluding in his child becoming a lazy couch potato.

lovelilies · 16/07/2022 09:09

I have an 8 yo boy who loves his screens and YouTube.
He's not a fan of his activity (karate) although he does enjoy once he's there.
I'd never make him go kicking and screaming (he's refused swimming a couple of times so just say those lessons out) and is fine now.
He doesn't want to join football/cricket/gym etc despite encouragement, so I don't push it.

What he DOES enjoy is kicking a ball about in the street with me, playing with school friends, exploring places, swimming for fun, trampoline parks (with us). So it's not he doesn't want to do things, he just prefers to be with his family and friends in a more casual environment
And that's OK.

Maybe your son would prefer to just be more relaxed and 'hang out' playing games with you and his family?

PurpleWisteria · 16/07/2022 09:11

Your husband is an abusive prick.

Protect your son.

Chdjdn · 16/07/2022 09:12

I don’t believe in forcing a child to do things but when they do enjoy it once they are there it’s tricky. With my DD I normally will say ok but if you’re not going to ballet then we’re just going food shopping or some other boring chore then I can work out if she actually doesn’t want to go or just wanted to stay at home and play
your husband is acting like a child though

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