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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Argument with spouse

43 replies

Yaa · 16/07/2022 08:11

So son goes to a sports club once a week and he hates it every week he argues with us to not go and it's a full battle to go.

he been there for over 8 weeks now and he didn't ask we thought he would like to go with his cousin.

this one evening he was particularly not wanting to go and was screaming and crying. My husband forced his clothes on and was yelling for him to go. I got upset and said to his dad 'did your dad force u to go to sports too'

now I'm in the understanding that we shouldn't force just listen to him and say fine don't go if he doesn't want to etc but as long as the alternative is not watching screens.

husband has been in a mood ignoring me and when he does talk he just says 'I don't want to force anything' for days. He won't talk to me about it or anything. He taken kids iPads and Nintendo but said he hasn't and is keeping out the house. At the time I said it he did yell I'm not forcing but encoraging him to keep doing this as he is being lazy and wanting stay at home and watch all time since then he has just ignored me.

i took son in the end with my other two kids as moral support and he does have fun but there are parts like splits he hates.

am I being unreasonable in this and saying this to husband?

i tried reaching out to him but he doesn't wanna talk and ignores messages it's been 2 days now

OP posts:

11Hawkins · 16/07/2022 09:13

Yaa · 16/07/2022 08:58

The issue is I also agree we shouldn't be forcing him to do something he clearly doesn't want too! I have been biting my tongue as I know I would be met with snappyness from oh over not going. I am normally taking dtr to ballet (she loves) so have always told son to tell daddy why he doesn't wanna go and hope he will agree or stop his parents coming to take him.

husband family also take him and his cousin and are of the opinion we need to 'encourage' the children to go to these things as they will get lazy and bored.

it was this particular day I couldn't stop myself from speaking up as he was distraught locking himself in bathroom and crying. But now I get the silent moody treatment for asking if my husband dad ever forced him in a accusing Way. (Maybe not so well handled in front of the kids)

i did take him that day as also was taking his cousin who enjoys going and would have missed out if I didn't take them but took both dtrs with me to cheer him on and he was much calmer and happier going with me when we all went calmly.

qlso annoyed hubby taken his iPads and is denying it to us all. Son knows it was him and says it's cuz of when he was screaming

Sorry but your his parent to, you have a say. If you want to give him back the iPad then do so.
If you don't think it's benefiting him going, then stop.

This is borderline abusive towards your son and will fuck him up. Stand up for your son stop being a bloody pushover!

Testina · 16/07/2022 09:14

“Talk to your son and find another activity he could try as he clearly hates this one.“

You know, I’m not sure he does hate it. OP says he doesn’t like the splits, but sounds therefore like he likes other bits. It’s not clear whether he hates it - or just hates being dragged off the iPad or Nintendo to go. It’s all very well saying the alternative would be no screen time… but does she actually follow through with that? Sounds like he has actually gone each week.

I get the impression that the primary issue here is a husband who cannot effectively parent and control his shouting and sulking. But there’s a secondary issue of a young child’s behaviour deteriorating from excessive screen time - and I think a lot of us have experienced that.

Ponoka7 · 16/07/2022 09:15

The silent treatment is emotional abuse. The forcing your son to get dressed etc is abusive. I think that you need to face up to your DH's real character. Your son isn't his cousin, all this is going to destroy his self worth.

TheTeenageYears · 16/07/2022 09:20

You mention splits so would that be gymnastics? If so it's really not for everyone and ultimately is quite dangerous so really no point in pressuring anyone into it (DD was a competition gymnast). I completely get the trying to keep DC off screens and sports is a great way to do that but it really does need to be something they enjoy. Is the cousin on your husbands side of the family? Is there a link between the cousins ability to go to an activity they want to do and your son needing to go to facilitate that? With regards to not wanting to go out even if there's going to be no screen time - I know a fair few children who really do need a good amount of time at home and are really unsettled if they are forced out the house too much. We are all different - some people need lots of socialisation, other's don't. A week of school is pretty full on and this half term in particular can be a battle to the end of the school year. I think your DH is being massively unreasonable in his behaviour towards DS and subsequently you. The whole you have to support each other in front of the kids is bullshit in my opinion and how abuse goes on - if you disagree with DH's handling of a situation why on earth would you not want DS to see you stand up for him.

SallyWD · 16/07/2022 09:21

We're in the same situation with DS9. All he wants to do is sit at home on his tablet. He does swimming but also did basketball on Saturday mornings. He was really good at it, one of the best. He seemed to like the teacher and the other kids but for some reason he absolutely hated the club! I have no idea why. We tried for several weeks to make him go but in the end we had to respect his wishes. We don't let him sit on the sofa all day he knows he needs to go out for exercise and we have days out too. At no point did we shout at him or punish him. My son is very sensitive and it didn't seem appropriate to chastise him for not enjoying something.

SylvanianFrenemies · 16/07/2022 09:32

Your husband is a bullying prick.

The other issues are minor and could easily be tackled if it wasnt for the "my husband is a bullying prick" aspect of your post.

Sorry 💐

Maray1967 · 16/07/2022 09:40

You shouldn’t be forcing him to do it if he doesn’t want to. On the other hand, both of mine have tried to opt of things when it was clear they just fancied staying at home on screens.
One swimming lesson a week isn’t much activity. At 8, both of mine did swimming lesson, martial art, uniformed organisation, music lesson. Martial art was at school, straight after school. Pick up from school at 4.30, brilliant. Music lesson - teacher comes to us. The other two involved taking them somewhere. DS1 went through a phase at around 13 of not wanting to go to MA but we persuaded him to keep going, made it clear that the alternative was not screens. He probably wouldn’t admit it but I’m sure he’s glad we did that - he’s still doing it as a student.
You need to talk to him calmly and explain that it isn’t healthy to have too much time on screens. What would he like to do instead? What do his friends do?
You need to tackle DH behaviour which is unacceptable.
You need to make it clear to in laws that they do not have a say. He does not have to go because his cousin goes.

Original poster

Yaa · 16/07/2022 09:56

Thanks for your messages and lots of advice.

there does seem to be a few issues

so I do let let the kids have full run of screens we do monitor it. They do watch before school as they up at 6am and then after school for a hour

i have a 8 month old too so maybe I give in more easily to iPads and screens when sorting her out

the other day my hubby did take them to park while I got baby to bed which they enjoyed but it's not consistent

son doesn't like to play outside he does enjoy his indoor imaginary games a lot.

weekends I often take all three out somewhere we don't have a full day in think I'd go crazy

doesnt help that oh is in his phone all time and plays fifa all evening he bans them from iPad then sits there on his phone.

i do need to stick up for kids more and allow the rath on me not them! I always hold tongue as don't want us not to be seen as united in front of them.

dtr is a different personality she doesn't mind no screens and wants to go out a lot more and loves that son doesn't have a screen as they can play together more which she prefers

the silent treatment is crap though it really is a punishment makes me feel so depressed and lonely

OP posts:

Testina · 16/07/2022 10:12

Are you honestly saying that your son has 1 hour of screen time after school, and that’s it? What else is he doing? 2 out of 7 days is the weekend, and only 39 weeks of 52 are school. The reason I’m doubtful is that the kind of parenting that allows screens before school (from 6am?!) doesn’t fit in my mind with a strict one hour a day. I’m not calling you a liar btw… but I wouldn’t be surprised if this one hour is what you sort of think your rule is, but then you make so many exceptions that the reality is lots more. If you were a strict one hour a day parent, you wouldn’t be telling him he won’t get the screen instead of gymnastics - he’d know it.

You’re doing him no favours letting him go on a screen at 6am every day.

None of that changes that your husband is an arsehole though.

Northernsouloldies · 16/07/2022 10:20

Oh op, that's not how an equal relationship works. You shouldn't have to endure his wrath for speaking up for your children. So in a nutshell if you say anything your Dh doesn't agree with he sulks, snappy etc and he sits on phone playing Fifa etc but berates your son for wanting screen time. The forcing on clothes etc is not normal. Your Dh has issues don't let those issues be forced onto your children.

Original poster

Yaa · 16/07/2022 10:24

Sorry I meant they do watch in morning from when they wake up sometimes this is from 6am or sometimes this is 7.30-8am and they will watch till 8.30 (they are dressed and ready for school first) then a hour after school 4-5. They then play have dinner or do work and bed at 7.

at weekends screen time is more in morning as no school and can extend to 9am and then some more in aft/eve after we gone out so has like 5 hour sometimes a day on weekends .

they don't need it though as since they been ipad free they been happily playing with each other although all our stuff and theirs are all over the house haha

OP posts:

Howyiz · 16/07/2022 10:25

Going completely against the grain but I agree with your husband.
It sounds like your son is lazy, he enjoys it when he gets there which is the main point. If he didn't enjoy it when he got there I would think differently. You say he is the same with going out to the park etc. What's your solution? To let him stay on the house all the time, stuck to screens?

You buying in to him not wanting to push himself and undermining your husband on this is not helping matters.

whiteroseredrose · 16/07/2022 11:12

@Howyiz why should we have to 'push' ourselves to do things that we don't want to do?

It has taken me until my mid 50s to realise that all the things that have made me miserable in my life were things that I was pushed into by my parents. That includes Medical School in my teens and Teacher Training in my early 40s. I was very happy being a Teaching Assistant but got constant nattering about not fulfilling my potential.

I finally realised that I DON'T like challenge, I like routine. I am very happy in my clerk job and have no desire for promotion and management. I make myself VERY unhappy every time I have to push myself. So I'm not.

My family may be bored in my job, but they're not me.

Personally I feel sorry for them having never found contentment. Always fretting about the next job up. Never enjoying what you've got.

Sorry for this not being about your thread OP, but I think you should let your DS enjoy his down time, not force him to do things that you would like, but he doesn't.

coffeecupsandfairylights · 16/07/2022 11:27

Howyiz · 16/07/2022 10:25

You buying in to him not wanting to push himself and undermining your husband on this is not helping matters.

Do you really think it's acceptable for a grown man to physically force an 8yo child into clothes in order to attend a totally optional activity?

SquirrelRed · 16/07/2022 11:34

I have a 9 and 6 year old and would never force them to do any activities they don't want to- apart from swimming lessons.
They have both tried various clubs which they go to for a few weeks then decide they don't want to do anymore, I think with the 9 year old this is partly down to laziness but they get 1 hour on their tablets after school and that's it on weekdays.
School can be tiring for them so if they just want to chill out and mess around in the evenings that's fine with me!

newbiename · 16/07/2022 11:46

I'll say what I said on your other thread , your husband is an abusive dick

user1471457751 · 16/07/2022 11:50

So your son is on screens for up to 3 hours a day during the week and 5 hours a day on the weekend? That is a lot of screen time. It may be worthwhile to start reducing the time slowly. And your husband needs to do his part by reducing how long he's on his phone.

Howyiz · 16/07/2022 13:44

@whiteroseredrose and you are a grown adult who can decide what you want to do. I do think it's important to push kids out of their comfort zone in order to give them the confidence to try out new things.

As I said the important piece of info for me is that he enjoys it when he is there. He would just prefer to stay home and game given the choice.

As for the dad physically pushing him into clothes, that isn't good at all.

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