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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say it’s too much

48 replies

Flowergirl111 · 16/07/2022 07:42

I had a baby 3 weeks ago and whilst we are loving it, we are first time parents so getting used to everything!
We both have families close by which is a huge help, my husbands parents are divorced and both remarried with new people and extended stepfamilies.
This means essentially there are 3 big families close to us and while I get on with and love everyone and they all want to help it’s becoming overwhelming with the amount of visits or visitors, we see someone every day at the moment, sometimes twice a day. A family member turned up uninvited when we got back from hospital and when I suggested having a walk for the first time my husband wanted to walk to his dads house and visit and we had already seen him twice that week. I just wanted to cry as I am so tired and just wanted my space, not to be in his house feeding in the spare bedroom! I feel like I am just getting to know my baby and I spend my time feeding and calming her, then an extended family member wants to hold her, she cries for me and then I have to restart the process which is already exhausting! I know everyone is only excited about a new family member snd of course my husband wants to show her off but am I been mean to want a few days/week to just sit and bond with my baby and make sure she’s settled in her new home and knows who her parents are?! I don’t mind the odd visitor but I think we need some private time so I can ensure she’s settled and feeding is settled and I’m getting into a routine with her.
He has even suggested a mini break with some family in a few weeks- I’ve said no it’s too soon and she needs to be in her home, plus I’m still recovering!!
Im going to tactfully cancel visitors and explain (to them and my husband) we need bonding time with the baby next week without causing offense. Any advice on this? I probably am knackered and hormonal so maybe I’m been harsh!

OP posts:

PritiPatelsMaker · 16/07/2022 07:45

You have my sympathy. When we had our first I resorted to drawing the curtains and switching off the phones. Family then proceeded to bang on the door "to check you're ok". Yes we're fine but we were asleep.

Badgirlriri · 16/07/2022 07:46

YANBU. You need to put your foot down, it isn’t fair.

Monoandsix · 16/07/2022 07:48

YANBU.

Tell them you're tired and hormonal and want a break!

Best way I found of getting rid of visitors was to tell them they weren't getting the baby but could hoover up and make dinner instead.

PritiPatelsMaker · 16/07/2022 07:50

And you absolutely don't have to hand your baby over to anyone. It's up to you who holds the baby and when.

11Hawkins · 16/07/2022 07:54

YANBU. Tell them to back off, way to much. It's over stimulating for baby as well.

bridgetreilly · 16/07/2022 07:57

You need to explain this properly to your husband and get him to deal with everyone else. Agree what you think you can enjoy and set that as a limit, then get him to ask everyone else to back off a bit and check before coming round.

Fireyflies · 16/07/2022 07:57

I'm sure it's mainly because the baby is so new and exciting, so should get better soon. Could you let you DH take the baby out for an hour or two without you to see his family and use the time to have a bath or a rest? If that idea makes you anxious right now, then don't do it and just say you need more quiet time alone with the baby - but it'll be an option in the future as things settle down if you are still feeling overwhelmed with all the family.

MrsToothyBitch · 16/07/2022 07:59

YANBU, they all sound lovely but this is very full on. Presumably everyone has seen you now. I think it's perfectly reasonable to ask for a few days breather to rest and really get in the swing at home.

Not sure where in the country you are but I wouldn't want to go visiting or have this extreme heat due next week anyway.

MrsToothyBitch · 16/07/2022 08:00

*Have visitors!

Riverlee · 16/07/2022 08:03

Definitely need to put some boundaries in. All visits must be pre arranged and approved etc. Maybe limit visits to afternoons only.

Allinadayswork80 · 16/07/2022 08:03

I’m very close to my family but this sounds WAY too much. This is the precious special time that you should be spending with your baby. If people come round it’s only because they should be bringing meals for you or doing some housework. And even then it shouldn’t be imposed upon you. You won’t get this time back OP, it goes so fast. You absolutely have to put your foot down on this one as you’ll look back and regret that you didn’t. I would also be concerned with the undeniable rise in Covid at the moment and the risk of passing to the bubba with all this coming and going and holding. I have a best friend who vividly remembers being paraded around like this to her OH’s family in the early days when she had her first and is very sad, bitter and resentful about it. They need to BACK OFF!
Good luck OP and congratulations 💖

ShirleyPhallus · 16/07/2022 08:06

They sound draining, absolutely fine to set some limits

However, you should also set some limits for when they’re there so that they don’t hang around for hours. Saying “it was lovely to see you but im afraid I need a nap now, I’ll see you out, thanks so much for coming” will be worth it

Mindymomo · 16/07/2022 08:09

You’ve got to do these your way. Tell them you are trying to get baby into a routine, so you are trying to minimise visits whilst you do this. If you do a daily walk, maybe they can come with you on that. It’s hard but once all family have met baby, they should leave you alone.

Original poster

Flowergirl111 · 16/07/2022 08:18

Thanks everyone, seems like maybe I’m not been harsh enough!! I was wondering if I was been unreasonable but it seems not.
You are right I won’t get this time back and when I rang my mum to let it all out she said there was far too many visitors and I had to start saying no, she said the baby would be overstimulated too.
I am going to discuss it with my husband and get him to put some boundaries in place!

OP posts:

DogsAndGin · 16/07/2022 08:19

Just tell them that baby is old enough for a routine now, so no more visits and visitors for a while, so you can get it established.

Make it clear that by visitors you mean them - or they’ll assume that they don’t count as they’re ‘close family’.

Be firm. If it’s any consolation - we don’t intend to tell anyone of the birth of our first baby for a good few days after she comes!

Thisbastardcomputer · 16/07/2022 08:23

It's not fair on you, your dog tired and learning as you go. Covid restrictions were a good thing in terms of a new baby.

Katypp · 16/07/2022 08:27

Why can't your dp take the baby to his family so you can rest? Or are you one of those new mums who wants to call all the shots and won't 'allow' him to take the baby anywhere without you?

Katypp · 16/07/2022 08:35

To be fair, it does seem a bit too full-on OP, but as I said on another thread this, week, this business of locking yourself away and everyone tip-toeing around the new mum is a relatively new invention, as is being rude about people who have the audacity to want to see the baby. I don't think it's healthy tbh as alienates the very people you might rely on later on.

ShirleyPhallus · 16/07/2022 08:39

Thisbastardcomputer · 16/07/2022 08:23

It's not fair on you, your dog tired and learning as you go. Covid restrictions were a good thing in terms of a new baby.

No they weren’t, they were fucking awful. I had a baby right at the start of that lockdown and no one could visit us. Even our parents were allowed to travel to see us so no one in the entire family including grandparents met our DD until she was about 3 months old, and even then we broke the covid rules to allow a visit.

It was incredibly alienating being entirely on my own when husband went back to work, and very tough having a newborn and not even being able to hand her to your mum for a few hours to hold while you got some sleep.

Mellowyellow222 · 16/07/2022 08:44

Before my sister had a baby I honestly didn’t believe people would arrived unannounced in these circumstances.

her first day home after a traumatic birth her husbands brother and then girlfriend landed up for a visit!! Then complained she was rude because she was in bed. After surgery!

people seem to lose all basic manners when a new baby is involved

BoxOfCats · 16/07/2022 08:48

YANBU. Don't even worry about hurting their feelings. Just say you appreciate they want to get to know her but you need time to rest and bond with the baby. Maybe suggest a day in a few weeks that works for you to catch up with them. And get your DH on the same page, as he is contributing to the problem!

Katypp · 16/07/2022 08:50

@Mellowyellow222 I agree in your case but I also thinks earlier posts have shown that new parents are empowered to be pretty rude too. I honestly think it's terribly entitled to expect people to do your cleaning and cooking for you in return for seeing the baby, which is regularly stated on here. It's incredibly entitled.

Katypp · 16/07/2022 08:52

YANBU. Don't even worry about hurting their feelings

... as I was saying!

Original poster

Flowergirl111 · 16/07/2022 08:54

Not at all he has done a couple of morning walks with her to give me some rest but as I am breastfeeding he can’t take her for too long as she cries for me. And I only had her 3 weeks ago so of course I don’t want to be away from her for hours on end.

OP posts:

Tisyphone · 16/07/2022 08:55

You need what you need. I didn’t see anyone at all for three weeks after DS was born.

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