To say it’s too much

[Flowergirl111]

I had a baby 3 weeks ago and whilst we are loving it, we are first time parents so getting used to everything!
We both have families close by which is a huge help, my husbands parents are divorced and both remarried with new people and extended stepfamilies.
This means essentially there are 3 big families close to us and while I get on with and love everyone and they all want to help it’s becoming overwhelming with the amount of visits or visitors, we see someone every day at the moment, sometimes twice a day. A family member turned up uninvited when we got back from hospital and when I suggested having a walk for the first time my husband wanted to walk to his dads house and visit and we had already seen him twice that week. I just wanted to cry as I am so tired and just wanted my space, not to be in his house feeding in the spare bedroom! I feel like I am just getting to know my baby and I spend my time feeding and calming her, then an extended family member wants to hold her, she cries for me and then I have to restart the process which is already exhausting! I know everyone is only excited about a new family member snd of course my husband wants to show her off but am I been mean to want a few days/week to just sit and bond with my baby and make sure she’s settled in her new home and knows who her parents are?! I don’t mind the odd visitor but I think we need some private time so I can ensure she’s settled and feeding is settled and I’m getting into a routine with her.
He has even suggested a mini break with some family in a few weeks- I’ve said no it’s too soon and she needs to be in her home, plus I’m still recovering!!
Im going to tactfully cancel visitors and explain (to them and my husband) we need bonding time with the baby next week without causing offense. Any advice on this? I probably am knackered and hormonal so maybe I’m been harsh!

YABVVU, how can you complain about having a loving family who want to spend time with you and support you?

If it’s not time for visitors, put a note on the door and your phone on dnd.

In a year I predict you’ll be one of those posters complaining about how nana feeds the baby the wrong thing during your extensive free childcare.

We're the same OP, down to the three week old. Every single visitor thinks they don't count because they're here to 'help'. Help hold baby and drink tea!

No advice, just sympathy and hope it calms down for you - we have a full week until our next (planned) visitor so going to do my best to catch up on missed time

@Flowergirl111 that's good to hear. I think it's important that dad gets to spend time alone with baby too. So much I read on here seems to deliberately alianate everyone in the early days then complains they won't help out later down the line. Your relatives do seem particularly keen, but could you not harness this enthusiasm and get them to take baby away for a couple of hours so you can get some sleep? That's what I would do.

Wow! I was pretty relaxed when I had my DD, but OP’s baby is only 3 weeks old. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with her not wanting her baby away from her for a few hours when she’s so young. It doesn’t make her one of ‘those mums’. Whatever that’s meant to mean.

You poor thing.
This sounds so awful.

Your husband sounds like a right moron not to understand your need for peace, so spell it out.

If not pack up and go to your mothers for some rest and quiet.

Of course you don't want constant visitors and being banished to the spare room.

Mini break? 🙄

I don't believe in babies being handed about.

I was told 25 years ago by a mid wife that the new babys bones are soft, and constantly passing them about can be uncomfortable for baby, and unsettle them.

Not sure if its true but it made sense to me and I took her advice.

People's need to visit is not more important than your need for peace.

Stop being passive and putting yourself last, you will regret it.

I would be very honest with them but also kind. Send a group text asking the lines of:
"We love you all and are honestly so grateful that you want to spend time with us and do things for us and the baby. However we just need some bonding time for the 3 of us and getting feeding sorted. For the next couple of weeks we're going to need [whatever it is... No visitors. Or one visit per extended family pet week or whatever it is] to help with that. Thank you all for understanding and being so kind".

@Katypp i don’t think we’re entitled to be rude, hence why I’ve asked for some advice on how to tactfully get privacy without causing offense!
But if you want to come on here for an argument please go on someone else’s post.

I agree with you; my DH had a similar experience with his first child so with both of ours we decided to have everyone visit to meet our DC when first born (parents and aunts and uncles that is) then asked for 2 weeks for us to settle together as a family and make the most of the time DH had off with us. Once he went back to work I welcomed the visits but still twice in one day would still be too much.
id just be honest and say to people you’re both exhausted and you want to bond with your baby and have time together the three of you

I think a previous poster doesn't get it. You're knackered, trying to adapt to your new life and it's too much. I definitely agree going away is a massive ask (driving with a newborn or baby can be either easy or hell on earth). Can you lay down some ground rules? Eg we’re having 2 weeks off from visitors? Or we'll see people but once or twice a week and only one visit! I'm sure people will understand.

Also you don’t have to let everyone hold your baby. I dislike this whole passing the baby spring thing as it’s all about the needs of the adults and not the baby’s.

*passing baby around

You're just trying to start an argument now. OP's baby is 3 weeks old, she doesn't need to be away from her Mum at all atm!

OP, you're totally right in wanting to reduce visitors. It's too much for you all and you need time to settle into family life. Is it your husband's family? I'd get him to speak to them personally, he needs to recognise what his wife and baby need and that isn't constant visitors.

YANBU

My DS is 1 month old and this time I have had a much quieter more relaxed time with him. We have had a few visitors come to meet him but most of the time I have been at home feeding and cuddling him. It did help that we had covid so no visitors.

It’s your DH’s job to be the gatekeeper! 45 mins tops, then HE says, ’Sorry, guys, I’m chucking you out now so Flowergirl and baby can get some rest. Thanks for the casserole, thanks for putting that wash in, talk to you soon, bye… bye…’ Closes door.

@Flowergirl111 I'm not here for a fight, just offering a different perspective. I firmly believe that the tenancy to idealise motherhood and encourage mothers to be martyrs does anyone no-one any good in the long term. To me, spending every day in a stifling bubble of you and the baby - which is very much normalised on here - is a recipe for PND and not at all desirable. Life goes on around your baby, or it should do.

You are not unreasonable. Tell dh that you need a break. He then needs to tell anyone whon asks for a visit or who turns up that you and baby are a bit tired and need a rest. No need to wxplain anything to any of them. If they can't understand that someone who has only just given birth needs a bloody break they are idiots. Likewise if they start suggesting dh brings the baby somewhere with them to give you a break he just needs to say, sorry that won't work as you are still establishing breastfeeding. That's it. It's not rude at all it's necessary.

If life simply went on around the baby, OP wouldn't have all these people imposing themselves on her every bloody day and there wouldn't be an issue!
3 week old babies literally don't know they are born yet, no concept of being a separate person from their mother and absolutely do not need to be passed around like a bag of sweets to all and sundry.

I definitely wasn't a martyr, but I still couldn't have slept without my three week old - I tried at MIL's whilst she was downstairs and I was up in her son's old bedroom, but I couldn't sleep a wink. It's instinct; I could even articulate it (not usually one of my skills aged 19) as 'it feels as though somebody's stolen her, even though I know they havent'.

I also felt unwanted/unnecessary/invisible, as though all they were interested in was my baby and not me, even though the only one who overstepped was his sister who turned up at hospital on the day DD was born, having been told we wanted that one evening just the two of us, not his mother.

It very much depends on the visitors. When dd21 was born
MIL came round during the day for three or 4 days, did everything for us, I concentrated on my baby for those days straight with nothing else to do. I was in absolute heaven. Dd was also held and settled by others, so she did not need me to do it every time.

Others who visited were not so welcome, but during the first few days mil also acted as gatekeeper.

I was very lucky, if you have no one like that, then dh needs to step up to the role I guess...

Completely untrue. Traditional patterns in many countries have involved postpartum confinement - several weeks of "lying-in" followed by the formal "churching" of new mothers to celebrate their re-entry into society.

@GrumpyPanda in many countries but not the UK. Although women did used to stay in hospital longer than they do now.

Why not say "its been lovely seeing you all" But you need to have a bit of bonding time .Maybe get your DM to speak to them? Somehow babies seem to become a bit like "pass the parcel" when small if youre not careful!