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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - to want my partner to compromise from time to time!!!!

44 replies

Expectationtoohigh · 15/07/2022 23:03

I am a full time mum of four beautiful little ones all under three. I wouldn't change this for the world even though most days are more than hard their little faces make it all worth it.
My partner currently works a job that means he works away a lot of the time meaning I am on my own with the children 24/7, I don't drive so struggle to get out and about. My family are less than supportive and his family help some what. I have had 1 night away from my children in 2 and a half nearly 3 years.
When my partner is home he likes to have a drink which I don't mind in the slightest but when he is just drinking 10 cans and passing out I think is a bit too much. However, it is becoming too much as he now drinks all weekend he is home. I have asked for him to have one day of the weekend where he doesn't drink just so I can actually spend time with the man I love. But, I get told I am trying to change him, I am having a go at him, I am nagging him.
What he doesn't seem to get is the behaviour that also comes with him having a drink. He gets argumentative, he lies, he trashes my house in more ways than one when I spend all my time keeping it tidy and looking after our kids.
He also says that he pays the bills and we have everything we need but I feel that not everything revolves around money. What about the emotional needs of myself and my kids. I don't want my children growing up thinking oh daddy's drinking again.
I love to have a drink and will do on a weekend but is it wrong to ask him from time to time to have a weekend off?

OP posts:
Kite22 · 15/07/2022 23:34

Surely you know he is being completely unreasonable ?

I find it sad that you are even suggesting that it might be okay that he acts like this some of the time, and if it is unreasonable to ask for one day when he is sober.

He is not behaving as a father.
He is not behaving as a partner.

I am usually against posters immediately suggesting people leave their partners on threads on here, but seriously, what does he bring to this relationship other than destruction and instability ?
You won't be any worse off without him. 4 under 3 is hard work - but you are doing that on your own anyway.
Please seek help. Family, friends, Citizen's advice. Women's Aid.
But don't stay with this man.. If you won't do it for you, do it for your children.

GrazingSheep · 15/07/2022 23:36

He’s an alcoholic.
He won’t change.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/07/2022 23:42

he trashes my house

he now drinks all weekend he is home

Both of these are deal breakers all on their own. Do not ruin your children's lives by raising them in a home with a useless alcoholic. It's your responsibility to protect them from this. Get rid of this waste of space.

RiojaRose · 15/07/2022 23:43

There’s liking a drink and then there’s being a pisshead. Being a pisshead is incompatible with being an adequate parent or partner. I’m sorry you’re dealing with a pisshead. Flowers

These people almost never change - and your partner is showing none of the signs of being willing/able to change. I agree with Kite22 that you need to seek help.

TimeFlysWhenYoureHavingRum · 15/07/2022 23:50

Yabu to think his behaviour is remotely acceptable on any level. Sorry - don't have anything else to add.

Lunarpsychobitch · 16/07/2022 04:23

Stuff that for a game of soldiers, he's taking the pi55!
Book yourself a long spa day or just a day out anywhere, and leave him to get on with the children - don't ask him for permission or to have the children, they're his kids too. He needs to man up!

Rainbowqueeen · 16/07/2022 04:29

He sounds like an alcoholic who has checked out of the relationship.

Seek support through Al-anon. Get your ducks in a row so that you have a plan of how you would manage on your own. If there’s things you need to do to achieve that, start doing them.
Im sorry. But unfortunately you can’t change his behaviour. You’ve made your feelings clear and he is not interested. 💐

MrsWolfyWoo · 16/07/2022 04:43

Kite22 · 15/07/2022 23:34

Surely you know he is being completely unreasonable ?

I find it sad that you are even suggesting that it might be okay that he acts like this some of the time, and if it is unreasonable to ask for one day when he is sober.

He is not behaving as a father.
He is not behaving as a partner.

I am usually against posters immediately suggesting people leave their partners on threads on here, but seriously, what does he bring to this relationship other than destruction and instability ?
You won't be any worse off without him. 4 under 3 is hard work - but you are doing that on your own anyway.
Please seek help. Family, friends, Citizen's advice. Women's Aid.
But don't stay with this man.. If you won't do it for you, do it for your children.

This.

He is telling you he doesn’t care . Listen .

The ball is in your court . Either put up with it or kick him out !

I say this because you and your family deserve more . Xx

MrsWolfyWoo · 16/07/2022 04:44

Do your parents not help as they don’t like him ???

SpartacusNotEsther · 16/07/2022 04:53

You want him to compromise? You want to accept this behaviour some of the time? Really?

If you are really honest with yourself, what do you really want?

In your shoes I would want to live in a house where I feel safe and happy with children that don't see this kind of behaviour as normal in their lives. And that would mean leaving him. You say 'my house' and 'my children', so it looks like you are already thinking in terms of the two of you being separate.

EVHead · 16/07/2022 05:09

He’s no partner to you. No use at all. Your children deserve better.

ApolloandDaphne · 16/07/2022 05:56

I think you know what you need to do. He adds nothing to your life. You talk about 'my' children and 'my' house which suggests you have already mentally distanced yourself from him. Now you need to physically distance from him.

Etinoxaurus · 16/07/2022 06:02

Is the house in your name?
Are you married?

GabriellaMontez · 16/07/2022 06:02

An argumentative, liar? 10 cans?
Do you want a lifetime with this man?

"Trashes my house in more way than one" - what do you mean?

pasturesgreen · 16/07/2022 06:06

He's an alcoholic. He won't be able to compromise and have the occasional weekend 'off'. Please, please think of your children and get help!

VioletPickles · 16/07/2022 06:10

I wouldn’t want to leave the children in the hands of an alcoholic who trashed the home? Absolutely not.

op, he’s not a person (in this state) that you need in your life. Trial separation? You are doing it all anyway!

Coachwork · 16/07/2022 06:15

Are you married? Who owns the house? It could be very difficult to go it alone if you don't work because at those aged you could only claim benefits for two children and the cap would be in place. You know you and your children deserve more than the compromise you're willing to accept.

Azerothi · 16/07/2022 06:17

It is wrong to put your children through your boyfriend's behaviour. Living with an alcoholic is very damaging. Put them first.

I know you imply it but are any of your children his? If they aren't, what does their father think of your boyfriend's behaviour?

Original poster
Expectationtoohigh · 16/07/2022 07:02

I hear it all, I say it to myself every week. He Is father to all 4 and they adore him, when he hasn't had a drink he is brilliant. Even when he's had a drink he is good with them it's just everything else. The fact that his family tell him its ok he deserves a drink for all his hard work and the fact that our home life is stressful. But, a drink isn't the answer to everything. They don't have to live with him either, the fact that his mum says she knows what it's like she went through it with his dad is frustrating as why not teach ypu son to be better.
My family don't bother because they are all to self involved. I have tried to talk to them and get that I had 4 kids I have to deal with it. And that's exactly what I do but all the stress and pressure is getting to me now. I don't know what else to do. I really don't want to leave or ask him to leave that is my last resort I love him but he is just pushing me further and further away. I get made to feel like I am being unreasonable and that I'm crazy. After my twins were born in 2020 I suffered with postnatal depression severely and have been on meds since. He doesn't want me taking them now. He says I an better off of them and that I shouldn't be on tablets all my life. I haven't had them for almost a month now and just feel myself falling into a massive black hole. I just wish I could reach him or someone else would try.

OP posts:
Herejustforthisone · 16/07/2022 07:04

Why do you love him? He’s an alcoholic that does nothing but drink until he’s so angry he trashes the house, while four very small children sleep upstairs. Again, why do you love him? He’s vile.

ChrisTrepidation · 16/07/2022 07:07

Is he medically qualified? Who the hell is he to tell you that you don't need your tablets?

The first thing to do is to get back onto your GP and have your tablets represcribed.

The second is to get rid of your waste of space, alcoholic partner. He will ruin your lives and and your children will grow up thinking this sort of dysfunctional dynamic is normal. You would be better off alone. You're basically a single mother already.

ChrisTrepidation · 16/07/2022 07:08

I'm a single mother of twins and our lives are much happier and stable now their useless lump of a father isn't on the scene. Put yourself and your kids first and get rid!

Floella22 · 16/07/2022 07:13

@Expectationtoohigh

well your update tells me he’s not just an alcoholic, he’s a controlling alcoholic.
How dare he tell you to stop taking your meds, I’m guessing your libido has improved and he’s more concerned about having sex than your mental health.

What an arse!

TibetanTerrah · 16/07/2022 07:21

his family tell him its ok he deserves a drink for all his hard work and the fact that our home life is stressful

Please stop calling it "a drink" as that's minimising language used by his parents and him to excuse this.

A drink is not 10 fucking cans.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/07/2022 07:25

Even when he's had a drink he is good with them

Does this mean he is regularly drunk around the children?

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