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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Struggling to attend this funeral…

28 replies

NameChange3210 · 15/07/2022 17:48

An immediate family member recently passed away. I live over 150 miles away.

I don’t drive or have a car, I have a disabled child which there is only 1 or 2 people they can stay with for a short period of time and won’t travel let alone sit for a funeral. I also have an animal who is relatively old now and gets really stressed out when I’m not around and struggles to stay with other people now that she is getting on a bit.

All of these circumstances mean that it’s going to really really difficult/impossible for me to travel down to the funeral.

My family member doesn’t understand why this is so difficult for me - has even suggested bringing my child and pet with me which of course is inappropriate - and is making me feel incredibly guilty and almost forcing me to attend (emotional blackmail).

I can understand why they are upset because I am their only support system that would be there (it’s going to be a very small funeral with mainly family members that we don’t see very much and don’t particularly get along with after a massive family falling out a few years back).

I feel awful about it, but realistically what can I do?!

OP posts:
Mally100 · 15/07/2022 17:51

Were you close enough to this family family member? I think you have alot on your plate, so I don't think anyone should judge you. The suggestion to bring the pet and dc along, won't it be distressing for them?You also don't need the added stress about being around family members who fell out.

ThreeLittleDots · 15/07/2022 17:54

It's fine to not go, for any reasons or none.

DorritLittle · 15/07/2022 17:54

I don't think you can bring your child to this, so that is the answer. It is always hard when you can't attend an occasion you ordinarily would. The family issues sound very stressful.

PrawnGoDookaDooka · 15/07/2022 17:56

Is there a streaming option so you can watch the service from home?

Original poster
NameChange3210 · 15/07/2022 17:57

I definitely couldn’t take my child or my pet. My child wouldn’t sit in the car for that long let alone sit at a funeral. My pet is too old to do that kind of journey, and couldn’t stay in the car whilst the funeral took place.

They were an immediate family member but I hadn’t seen them for a couple of years and contact had dwindled over the last year or so because they lacked the capacity to have a conversation etc (health condition).

I feel at peace not going and having my own moment to remember them etc, it would be more of a case of going to support the other family member if that makes sense, because I know they have no-one else to sit with or go with them.

OP posts:
DyingForACuppa · 15/07/2022 18:07

Given the circumstances with you disabled child I don't think you are unreasonable not to go.

But I totally understand how awful it is to attend a funeral without support so I feel for your relative too.

2bazookas · 15/07/2022 18:11

Unfortunately your child develops covid symptoms the day before. Cadt iron excuse

ApolloandDaphne · 15/07/2022 18:13

2bazookas · 15/07/2022 18:11

Unfortunately your child develops covid symptoms the day before. Cadt iron excuse

But that is hardly fair to give expectations then not go. The right thing is to be very truthful and say you would want to be there but you really can't go in the current circumstances.

CavernousScream · 15/07/2022 18:13

Are these your parents? If so, I think you need to make every effort to go. Are the 1 or 2 people your child can go with available? Could they be looked after for long enough for you just to go for the funeral service? If there’s really no one to have them then there’s nothing you can do, but I can understand why the surviving partner would be very upset if they’re your parent.

Harridance · 15/07/2022 18:15

Could you train it?

ThreeLittleDots · 15/07/2022 18:20

You've made peace with yourself for not going, so the family member's guilt-tripping attempts should not bother you. Explain kindly but firmly and wish them well.

parietal · 15/07/2022 18:32

the thing about the funeral is it is not just about you saying goodbye to the person who has died. it is also about you being there to see the other family members and to support them.

would you & child & pet be able to travel to the wake / tea after the funeral but not attend the funeral itself? Or could you propose to your family another time to meet - maybe a 'memorial meal' in a location that is better for you in a month's time?

Original poster
NameChange3210 · 15/07/2022 18:32

It’s not a parent. It’s not just the funeral time that’s the only issue - because it’s so far away - you would be looking at a whole day gone. Plus it’s not just asking someone to care for my child, they would have to care for my pet on top and that would be really hard work for anyone because of their individual needs.

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChange3210 · 15/07/2022 18:33

@parietal my child has a severe disability and can’t travel and my dog is too old - it would probably kill them off doing that journey - it’s a 300 mile round trip.

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChange3210 · 15/07/2022 18:34

@parietal but I like the idea about doing something separately later on - thank you!

OP posts:
LarkRize · 15/07/2022 18:37

I don’t think you should beat yourself up - you need to look after your child and your dog and sometimes there are just no realistic alternatives - quite apart from the heat forecast next week - no way would I take an old dog or a disabled child on a long journey while we have the temps we do at the moment.

It is sad but not your fault - and don’t let you’re relative guilt trip you otherwise.
Maybe you can take part remotely - plenty of services are routinely streamed online nowadays.

Original poster
NameChange3210 · 15/07/2022 18:42

I will ask for the online streaming - is that something you have to arrange yourself or is the crematorium equipped to set it all up?

OP posts:
SunshineAndFizz · 15/07/2022 18:51

Could you get a dog sitter for the dog and someone else to look after your DC for the day?

If yes, then I'd try to go. If not then it's totally reasonable to say you can't make the funeral.

FarFarFarAndAway · 15/07/2022 18:53

Ask about online streaming, not all crematorium have it and the person arranging the funeral has to pay extra for it, at the one I attended anyway. Worth an ask. Otherwise, it is what it is, you cannot go.

CuriousCatfish · 15/07/2022 18:54

Don't go. In your circumstances I wouldn't.

GreenManalishi · 15/07/2022 18:58

I think that you're fine to not want to go, and convey that clearly and kindly. Nobody can force you to go, no matter what manipulation they use, if you have decided you aren't going. You have priorities that other people do not, therefore they may not understand. Don't feel guilty, not wanting to do something is reason enough. Offer support to the person asking for it in other ways, but stand firm on your decision. They may be upset with you, that's ok too. The best thing you can do for the person who has passed is live well in peace and if that doesn't entail dragging your child and dog on a 300 mile round trip, then so be it.

JemimaPuddleducksWaddle · 15/07/2022 18:58

2bazookas · 15/07/2022 18:11

Unfortunately your child develops covid symptoms the day before. Cadt iron excuse

That really isn't fair to make someone who is grieving think you are coming to support them, then you don't.

OP be honest with them now and keep explain. Is there someone else that can support them at the funeral?

Mindymomo · 15/07/2022 19:10

When my children were young and we had a close relatives funeral, I agreed to stay at home with my 2 DC and look after 2 other DC. I think you’ve got 2 main reasons why you can’t go, obviously you would like to attend, but it’s not always possible.

Cakecakecheese · 15/07/2022 19:24

It's unfortunate but it really just doesn't sound feasible for you to go

Georgyporky · 15/07/2022 19:50

Re on-line streaming, DH arranged this for very distant rellies in another country when DMIL was cremated.
It was quite expensive, & the time lag meant that they were still asleep & CBA to get out of bed.