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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel judged for not putting 2 year old in nursery

41 replies

Lifeohlifeohhhlife · 15/07/2022 15:50

My dc was doing 2 mornings a week when they turned 2 a few months ago. We took them out because it was counter productive. I am on mat leave with baby no2, it cost a fortune, dc cried relentlessly whenever we dropped them off and they were sick constantly meaning looking after myself and baby was a lot harder and not the overall 'break' I envisioned.

I have now decided to keep my dc at home with me and do playgroups til they are at least 3 years old. But I feel really judged..

MIL asked excitedly how nursery was going and when I explained we were postponing and why I just recieved stoney silence. Sister in law the same. I feel a frosty response from friends who's little ones are in full time childcare and I'm the only one in my nct group who's child is not in nursery too and people look at me bewildered. AIBU for not understanding this expectation for children to be in nursery as opposed to at home with their parents? My dc have lots of family days out, park, beach, soft play, national trust, stay and plays etc. Again I'm not against nursery at all just don't understand why I'm receiving this somewhat negative response to my decision. It just so happens out circumstances don't warrant it right now.

Anyone else a sahm or on mat leave and chosen to defer til 3 or even 4? Finding it hard to find other mothers in same position and would like some people to talk to..

OP posts:
Sarahthecactus · 15/07/2022 15:52

You are not being unreasonable. It’s sad how brainwashed some people are to think sticking young children in glorified daycare with strangers is better than them being at home with their mum where they belong and want to be.

Penfelyn · 15/07/2022 15:56

Hey,

I'm a single parent so don't get a choice, mine are in school (3yo) and with the childminder (2yo).

But I think your friends/family are being weird and rude. Your reason are perfectly valid and even if they weren't, you don't need another reason to keep them home than "because you want to". It's really not up to them to judge your parenting choices !

The only thing I would say is that you'll have to deal with the "constantly getting sick" sooner or later, you postponed it but you won't avoid it. I've been living this since my 3yo started school (we're not in the UK). Sick every other week and contaminating his brother too ! I hope by the time DS2 starts school he'll have been immunized by all the illnesses his older bro brought back 😂

suburbanwinter · 15/07/2022 15:57

Since you are on maternity leave it makes sense to keep you DC at home. Just tell people at the moment it makes more sense and you will review later on.

But i have a huge problem with this statement:
being at home with their mum where they belong and want to be.

... because of course it the mum's job to be at home with kids 🙄

Ohthatsexciting · 15/07/2022 15:57

You have weird inlaws and friends

how bizarre

hellosunshineagainx · 15/07/2022 15:58

Most kids didn't go to childcare until preschool at 3 just one generation ago. Your little one will be fine and Id do the same in your shoes x

Reluctantadult · 15/07/2022 15:58

This is just one of those things where you're judged if you do and judged if you don't. Like many other things.

godmum56 · 15/07/2022 15:59

well I reckon the frosty response from friends could be based on guilt?

GoAround · 15/07/2022 16:00

I’m very surprised by the reaction you’ve had. The term after they turn 3 because that’s when the funded hours kick in, is the typical time to start nursery if there’s a SAHP. Maybe there’s something weird going on with the ILs, like they’re generally judgemental because it’s you, or defensive because of SIL sending hers to nursery younger, who knows. But you aren’t doing anything unusual. I’m also surprised you are struggling to find other mums who are the same, is it all nannies at Stay and Play groups round your way or something?

luxxlisbon · 15/07/2022 16:01

This is weird, plenty of people don’t put their older child into private nursery while off on mat leave. It’s not unusual at all.

Suedomin · 15/07/2022 16:01

Ignore everyone else and just do what is right for you and your child. They won't be disadvantaged by not staring nursery at age 2.

Cheerybigbottom · 15/07/2022 16:01

I kept my ds home until he was 3, I worked shifts part time around DH. I found this to be quite normal when he went to school nursery at three years old, but my family thought he should be in five days a week and liked to tell me he was missing out on allsorts when he really really didn't.

Whatever works best for you and your kids, that's what you choose to do. Flowers

Oneborneverydecade · 15/07/2022 16:02

Neither DC2 or DC3 went to nursery until they turned 3. I either worked pt around my husband or in the case of DC3 didn't work until she began nursery school. My bf did the same, none of her 3 went until it was free.

Ohthatsexciting · 15/07/2022 16:03

On the thread you started yesterday he was 3?!

either way - your call.

most odd to have “friends” like this.

Ontomatopea · 15/07/2022 16:05

Do what's right for you. They'll have that constantly being sick sooner or later though.

Luredbyapomegranate · 15/07/2022 16:06

Sarahthecactus · 15/07/2022 15:52

You are not being unreasonable. It’s sad how brainwashed some people are to think sticking young children in glorified daycare with strangers is better than them being at home with their mum where they belong and want to be.

Ignoring this PP who appears to be in the other end of the bossy camp, of course it’s fine to have your 2 year old home. I think at 2.5 some toddlers do start to benefit from time in nursery and most do by 3 but before that it’s optional.

Just tell people it’s a money thing.

Ontomatopea · 15/07/2022 16:06

Ohthatsexciting · 15/07/2022 16:03

On the thread you started yesterday he was 3?!

either way - your call.

most odd to have “friends” like this.

Is that the one about not going to farms? Yeah they were 3?

Odile13 · 15/07/2022 16:08

I don’t understand why anybody gets judgemental about things like this. My DD goes to nursery 2 days a week but I don’t care what anybody else does. Most of us are just doing the best we can.

Tractordiggerdump · 15/07/2022 16:09

Another stick to beat Mums with young kids. I got this when I took my daughter out of nursery at 3. She was far too young imo and went back in no problem at 3.5. Try and block the noise.

ClingyClingy · 15/07/2022 16:10

Sarahthecactus · 15/07/2022 15:52

You are not being unreasonable. It’s sad how brainwashed some people are to think sticking young children in glorified daycare with strangers is better than them being at home with their mum where they belong and want to be.

Is this a pbp or troll? Appeared on threads today with very goady attitude: one thread where the Op has an issue with her DH sleeping with prostitutes so 'must be uptight about sex', on the thread about poster owing money to her dad says her MH problems are an excuse and people with MH issues are flakey. And then this thread where children should be home with mum,

There are a few others, I don't believe this is a genuine poster

EV117 · 15/07/2022 16:12

I’m not in your situation but thought I’d still add that your family are being weird about it. Do what works best for you and DC. If you’re going to playgroups and are having days out, nursery makes no difference to your child’s well-being at this age.

Sarahthecactus · 15/07/2022 16:13

@suburbanwinter

So are you telling me your kids don’t want to be with mum? Yes they do belong with me, that’s what nature intended.

cottagegardenflower · 15/07/2022 16:13

Tell them you are doing it to save money in these hard economic times. God forbid you can say you actually enjoy the child's company and he is happier with his mum than a bunch of strangers.

Personally I think it's just another way of shaming mums who want to stay at home and parent their own child. Why? Guilt? Jealousy? Controlling?

InChocolateWeTrust · 15/07/2022 16:14

I do think they get a bit from a shorter hours/preschool type setting the year before school. Simply because it gets them used to far less adult attention in preparation for being one of a class of 30 in reception, helps them learn a bit of indepence and social skills with peers.

Before age 3, honestly, I think there are few benefits. Its childcare at that age - absolutely fine, necessary, but it's really not for the benefit of the child.

Original poster
Lifeohlifeohhhlife · 15/07/2022 16:14

@Ohthatsexciting yes that was a typo. He's 2. I've tried to edit a post on mumsnet before and they suggested deleting post.. so I just left it 😅

OP posts:
Keha · 15/07/2022 16:16

My 2 year old isn't in nursery, I don't think anyone has ever commented on it, it's not that unusual. Just ignore! Could it be that they aren't judging but it just sort of ends the conversation if it's a convo about nursery?