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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is it impossible for people to commit these days???

45 replies

tvod2244 · 14/07/2022 16:34

Grrrr - just need to vent!

I'm having a housewarming party at the weekend (moved into my home earlier this year) and have had the date set since March. Sent invites super early as really wanted to get everyone together now that I'm settled into my new house.

Had immediate responses from 90% of those invited saying yes, and others RSVP'd yes as the weeks went on.

3 days before the party and around half of those who said yes to coming are pulling out. Various excuses.

I'm not one to throw many parties so I was really looking forward to having all of my family and friends together on what will be a lovely day (food and drinks provided!!!!). Now I just feel a bit deflated. I would understand if I had asked people last-minute and they had alternative plans, but the invites were sent months ago on purpose. The food and drink has all been ordered in based on the numbers of those that RSVP'd.

It's becoming increasingly difficult to meet up with people as they seem to flake out on plans more often than not. This just feels like a final straw moment, and I cba to make the efforts with a lot of these people anymore!!

AIBU? Or is anyone else finding this with people atm?

OP posts:
alphapie · 14/07/2022 16:40

YANBU, I have actually found this has got so much worse since lockdown has lifted

Almost as if people have forgotten how to operate in a functional and reliable society.

Mally100 · 14/07/2022 17:16

Yanbu, but something confirmed in March might easily be forgotten by now. You should have sent a reminder about 2 weeks ago just to confirm. Maybe the heat has something to do with your event in particular. I myself cancelled something for this weekend as I cba to attend in this heat. Fortunately most of the group attending were wanting to cancel as well. It sucks for you as you have ordered food so I don't blame you.

neverbeenskiing · 14/07/2022 17:21

I think it depends on their reasons for pulling out. Illness, work commitments, childcare issues, those sorts of things can't be avoided sometimes. If they've pulled out because they've had a better offer that's rude. If they've just decided they're knackered after a long week and don't fancy it then that is also a bit rude, but depends on whether you're good friends or just acquaintances.

StopFeckingFaffing · 14/07/2022 17:24

Half your guests dropping in last week does seem unusual, I would expect a 10% flaky rate but not 50%

Have you communicated with your guests at any point between March and this week to remind everyone?

I think a lot of us have become a bit more flexible and non commital about social engagements in the past 2 years but it is rude to accept an invite and then drop out last minute unless you have a genuine reason such is illness

ginislife · 14/07/2022 17:25

No. It's shit. People are rude and have no concept of commitment. You put something in your diary you should stick to it, not pick the thing you like the sound of most on the day. Rude.

doggygogadog · 14/07/2022 17:28

I'm getting married on Sunday. About 10 drops outs today, reasons ranging from

London will be too hot for them
They can't afford the train to London
Covid
Broken car
Lift has fallen through
Dog has an ear infection

BornIn78 · 14/07/2022 17:47

I'd be quite surprised to get an invitation to party at someone's house 4 months in advance. I think it's one of those things lots of people will have said yes to and then forgotten about. I've been to weddings where invites weren't sent out that far ahead!

I think the fact that it's at your house will mean people will think it's far more casual and easier to drop out of.

Sorry.

Mally100 · 14/07/2022 18:07

doggygogadog · 14/07/2022 17:28

I'm getting married on Sunday. About 10 drops outs today, reasons ranging from

London will be too hot for them
They can't afford the train to London
Covid
Broken car
Lift has fallen through
Dog has an ear infection

I think all except the dog one is perfectly fine reasons.

luxxlisbon · 14/07/2022 18:12

March is just way too early to plan something like this. People will forget, other things can come up etc

Mary46 · 14/07/2022 18:14

Op thats crap feel for you. Have had it a bit with friends just flaky behaviour. So I suit myself now.

LadyOfTheCanyon · 14/07/2022 18:23

My friendship group is like this. It's like herding cats. I also live in South London so you have the added horror of crossing the water to contend with. ( IT BURNS!)

I just don't bother organising parties any more as I've been disappointed too many times. I love my friends and they are great one on one or in small groups but the collective anonymity of a big group always has people bailing out. It's like they think they won't be noticed dropping out from a crowd Grin

Carrotmum · 14/07/2022 18:24

MN posters will say you invited people too early other posters will comment on other threads about similar events that the OP invited people too late. There is no perfect time interval, people are just flaky and rude IMHO. I’m an old bugger but in the past people would RSVP yes and baring illness or a disaster they would be guaranteed to show up. Now a yes means a maybe if I can be bothered on the day or if I don’t get a better offer. If you’re not going to go just say no it’s not hard and at least the host hasn’t wasted time /money.
Flaking on a wedding is particularly rude as these are organised so far in advance and are not cheap.

thecatsthecats · 14/07/2022 18:28

BornIn78 · 14/07/2022 17:47

I'd be quite surprised to get an invitation to party at someone's house 4 months in advance. I think it's one of those things lots of people will have said yes to and then forgotten about. I've been to weddings where invites weren't sent out that far ahead!

I think the fact that it's at your house will mean people will think it's far more casual and easier to drop out of.

Sorry.

Agreed.

Plus I sort of think the rule of six has maybe made people enjoy smaller gatherings.

I hate going to a party and leaving feeling that I've not had a proper chat with a friend who was there. We had four people over for New Year and it was one long conversation between all six of us that felt much nicer, not the tedious, milling around chit chat you get at larger gatherings.

thecatsthecats · 14/07/2022 18:32

By the way, I've just reached the end of three months solid of pre-booked plans, mostly deferred from covid, and mostly involving trips away for the whole weekend.

I'm bloody exhausted, and if I had a house party this weekend then I'd be skiving I'm afraid.

Glitterspy · 14/07/2022 18:32

Yes. People just please themselves these days and since covid a lot more people are having social anxiety.

Hope you have a lovely party with the people who actually like you enough to show up!

Shinyandnew1 · 14/07/2022 18:32

No, I can’t say I’ve noticed any sort of drop out rate-my friends love going out (maybe enjoying the freedom after lockdown!).

50% dropping out is dire!

sayanythingelse · 14/07/2022 18:45

I think you sent out invites too early. In 4 months, people could have all sorts of changes in circumstances or they've just simply forgotten.

I've seen this happen many times when school mums send out party invites months in advance. By the time the party rolls around, most people have forgotten/booked holidays/can't get childcare as it was hardly top priority for them to remember.

alphapie · 14/07/2022 18:51

@Mally100 dropping out days before a wedding for any other reason than you've been kidnapped, a close relative has died or you've got a contagious disease is a dick move

None of those are good reasons for a drop out so close to the day

EmmaH2022 · 14/07/2022 18:53

LadyOfTheCanyon · 14/07/2022 18:23

My friendship group is like this. It's like herding cats. I also live in South London so you have the added horror of crossing the water to contend with. ( IT BURNS!)

I just don't bother organising parties any more as I've been disappointed too many times. I love my friends and they are great one on one or in small groups but the collective anonymity of a big group always has people bailing out. It's like they think they won't be noticed dropping out from a crowd Grin

Yeah yeah
keep to your side of the river and there'll be no trouble! 😂

Aksbdt · 14/07/2022 18:55

I think since lockdown a lot of people have realised they aren’t that keen on parties particularly if they don’t know that many people and will be making small talk all night so have decided they don’t want to go to them any more

LouisRenault · 14/07/2022 18:56

By the time the party rolls around, most people have forgotten/booked holidays/can't get childcare as it was hardly top priority for them to remember.

As long as they/their child doesn't mind when next year the child isn't top priority to invite.

QuandaleDingle · 14/07/2022 18:58

Yanbu

Bearsan · 14/07/2022 18:59

Yanbu. Our niece got married recently and had at least 15 drop out last minute. Some didn't even bother to cancel, just didn't turn up.
Rude.

JanisMoplin · 14/07/2022 19:01

It's not just you. I have found this too. Totally agree with post-covid socialising being like herding cats!

WimpoleHat · 14/07/2022 19:02

Mally100 · 14/07/2022 18:07

I think all except the dog one is perfectly fine reasons.

Show quote history

No! If they genuinely have Covid - then that’s a valid reason. Often elderly people at weddings, so only considerate to stay away if you’re positive. But the rest are crap. Weddings take so much planning and cost people so much. It’s just awful to flake at the last minute unless there’s genuine illness or a proper emergency.

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