Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who should really own our house?

429 replies

Littlething · 14/07/2022 12:47

I will appreciate some advice and fresh perspective on my situation please. Sorry if it is a bit long.
Me and my partner of 15 years (two dc, 11 and 8) are about to exchange on a house that we are buying with the money I inherited from my late parents. There will be a small mortgage, paid out of rental income on my flat in London. We moved to where we are now 2 years ago from London for his job. We were renting here while we were looking for a house to buy paying rent out of the income on my London flat. I have stopped working after my youngest was born, my dp has a good job (architect), that covers our bills. My parents gifted me the flat in London, so we lived rent/mortgage free and they gave us cash for holidays, new car etc, we would not be able to afford it otherwise. We spend rather carefully, shopping in H&M and Lidl but we like to entertain, go to the theatre and children have lots of hobbies. My partner has a flat in London that he bought before we met, he pays mortgage on it and rents it out, so mortgage is covered.
The house we are buying here is small and will need extension and loft conversion, it will be paid for with what’s left out of the money my parents left me. For context, we decided to buy a small house (in a not very ideal location) because it is all we can afford without selling mine or his flats and he is strongly against selling since “it is our pension”.
I agreed to put both our names on the title. I want to make it clear that he is a kind and loving person, he is my best friend and the children adore him. I do not want to upset him by spelling out that it is my money that we are spending on the purchase and renovation. However when I said the other day that I expect to have an upper hand when it comes to decisions to do with renovating (and maybe selling when the children are off to Uni) he got very upset. He feels that he will “pour all his energy, time and skills into the house and will be left with nothing”. He also said he feels his contribution to our finances is major because all his salary is spent every months, he provides for us and this needs to be recognised. AIBU to expect him to see it from my perspective?
Many thanks for reading and sharing what you think.

OP posts:
TiddleyWink · 14/07/2022 16:11

Hont1986 · 14/07/2022 16:09

I think this is financial abuse to be honest, and if you were a man people would have seen it from the very start. It's fair enough to ringfence your deposit, but I can't see why you get to claim that your income pays for the mortgage only, not any of the other bills.

Why can't his income pay for the mortgage (thus making him 'deserving' of being on the deeds) and your income pay for the bills?

Absolutely agree. You’re treating him appallingly. Don’t expect him to put up with it much longer is all I can say!

itsgettingweird · 14/07/2022 16:12

DogInATent · 14/07/2022 15:48

There is no financial balance in this relationship. At the moment, despite all her assets the OP doesn't contribute an income - and when she's in a position to do so (renting the flat) she wants to selfishly protect that income by turning it 100% into an appreciating fixed asset (the house).

There is a possible alternative though, but it still needs professional advice.

His flat. Remains his. The rental income pays the mortgage on the flat.
London flat. Remains hers. The rent provides her with an income.

New house. Large deposit paid with the remaining inheritance. Mortgage paid 50:50 by him (from salary) and her (from rental income). Running costs, utilities, food and family expenses paid jointly according to ability to pay based on the balance of residual incomes (his salary after mortgage, her rental income after mortgage). Ownership is tenants in common split as a percentage to reflect deposit plus half mortgage (her) and half mortgage (him) - this only works if mortgage contributions are equal otherwise the maths gets very complicated due to compound variable interest.

The current problem is, as pointed out in a recent reply, that one person is gaining all the appreciating assets whilst the other is pouring all their income down the revenue expense drain. Both members of this relationship need an income from which to cover their fair share of expenses.

If anyone needs a perspective change, it's the OP not her DP.

Completely agree and explained much better than I did. (I share this view)

JudgeRindersMinder · 14/07/2022 16:12

we are buying with the money I inherited from my late parents. There will be a small mortgage, paid out of rental income on my flat in London

WHY on EARTH would you even consider putting his name on the deeds?

itsgettingweird · 14/07/2022 16:15

JudgeRindersMinder · 14/07/2022 16:12

we are buying with the money I inherited from my late parents. There will be a small mortgage, paid out of rental income on my flat in London

WHY on EARTH would you even consider putting his name on the deeds?

Well if you read the whole thread you'd know Wink

KingBling · 14/07/2022 16:17

I understand you think it is your money but he is your partner of 15 years, you have DC together and you live off his salary. I think this is a case of what is his is yours and what is yours is also yours. No need to tell him you expect to have the upperhand.

DogInATent · 14/07/2022 16:18

BoJoGoGo · 14/07/2022 15:50

The OP does have an income, rental income from her London flat which will pay the nee mortgage. She’s also doing all the childcare.

So if you were paying all the bills from your salary, but your husband was paying all his income into his personal savings account it would be alright as long as he was doing all the childcare?

Matlab · 14/07/2022 16:19

Littlething · 14/07/2022 13:46

Many thanks for all your comments, really appreciate it. I might have a chat with solicitors, I just needed to filter through my emotions first and get a clearer head. We are not married mainly because i got pregnant too quickly and then there was one family illness after another and then we were used to not being married. He is the father of our children, neither of us was married before. We joke that we will get married once the children grow up.

I can understand you not being married, but why on earth has he never proposed to you in all this time. And more importantly, why on earth have you let him get away with it?

BoJoGoGo · 14/07/2022 16:20

o if you were paying all the bills from your salary, but your husband was paying all his income into his personal savings account it would be alright as long as he was doing all the childcare?
There is no husband.

RedHelenB · 14/07/2022 16:22

Your not working but he is? You both have a London flat?
If the children belong to you both I think the new house should be 50/50.

Nancydrawn · 14/07/2022 16:22

I'm afraid you seem incredibly selfish and spoiled.

You haven't worked in a decade. You are accumulating wealth through an asset from your parental gift. Your partner has supported the family for ten years, but is in no way sharing that wealth.

If you want to ring fence the deposit, that's one thing. But considering that you pay no bills and would almost certainly not be allowed a mortgage without your partner's income, I think you should split the asset beyond the inherited deposit.

I also think it's really, really shitty and mean of you to tell him he doesn't get a say in the renovation because you're paying for it.

How would you like it if he said you had no say in a holiday because he was paying for it? You wouldn't. In fact, if you came on here, he would be accused of financially abusing you. Perhaps you should consider if you're financially abusing him.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 14/07/2022 16:25

So you have children, you share a fairly complicated life and finances….why aren’t you married? Do you not trust each other? Is one of you waiting for someone better to come along?
it sounds as if your partner feels a bit insecure. Would he like to marry you and you don’t want to marry him? ( you don’t have to do the love and obey thing anymore, well the love bit is nice)

BoJoGoGo · 14/07/2022 16:26

How much is the deposit you are paying OP?

TheGoogleMum · 14/07/2022 16:28

3 properties between you sounds a bit greedy to me

Kitsmummy · 14/07/2022 16:29

It must be really tough Op, sitting at home each day while the kids are at school, in a house paid for by your parents, going on holidays paid for by your parents and supported by your hard working DP.

Some people get all the hard luck.

Kitsmummy · 14/07/2022 16:30

And then you put your DP in his place about the decorating. Talk about rubbing salt into the wound.

KingBling · 14/07/2022 16:31

'3 properties between you sounds a bit greedy to me'

I thought this as well. Still not happy with how much they have and squabbling about who owns what. Just shows you collating multiple properties when so many can't afford one property and others can't even afford to rent isn't even enough for some people.

StripeyDeckchair · 14/07/2022 16:32

Your money
Your house
Your name only

Get a job so you aren't so reliant on your partner financially

Consider whether marriage would benefit you - given your assets you might loose out if married.

GabriellaMontez · 14/07/2022 16:32

What is your pension situation?
Do you plan to go back to work? Is he supportive of you being at home?

If he left and you had to go back to work, could you find employment easily?

Anyone who thinks this is simple hasn't rtf properly. There also seems to be some resentment that you have an income but don't work! Eventually you will need a solicitor but deciding what is 'fair' is quite tricky!

adriftabroad · 14/07/2022 16:33

DO NOT PUT IT IN JOINT NAMES

You are not even married.

hoping2021 · 14/07/2022 16:33

What a sad situation.
You are financially abusing him.
why can’t his salary go towards mortgage and your rental income go towards living expenses.
you sound like a piece of work and without drastic changes in attitude your relationship is unlikely to last the length.
and why on earth do you expect him to provide for you in this wholly unbalanced set up.
as another poster has said, this is a case of what’s yours is mine and what’s mine is mine.

Redbone · 14/07/2022 16:43

YANBU . You are not married, it’s your inheritance, put the house in your name only. You would be very foolish not to.

VainAbigail · 14/07/2022 16:43

Look up Legal Queen on Facebook. She has been posting lots of videos lately of similar situations.

Walkaround · 14/07/2022 16:45

I’m not at all surprised he’s upset. I think your attitude stinks with regard to a house you will both be living in as equal partners. As a separate investment with just your inheritance involved, then fine, but not the family home you will both be living in - it’s pretty offensive to expect the “upper hand” there. And not getting married just because you didn’t get round to it is a pretty stupid reason for not doing it, especially as it appears to have resulted in neither of you ever properly discussing finances. Talking about having the “upper hand” is a phenomenally tone deaf way of querying the legal implications of your financial decisions.

Redbone · 14/07/2022 16:46

@hoping2021 Couldn’t disagree with you more, she is not financially abusing her DP just being really sensible.

DotDotaDash · 14/07/2022 16:46

Ugh complicated.

Sounds like you are have cash and not earning at this point and he is the opposite.

If not getting married maybe you need a mortgage for the property and pay half each.

Swipe left for the next trending thread