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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who should pay?

42 replies

Flutterbybudget · 14/07/2022 11:07

Background for context
My ex husband earns several times more than I do. He pays child maintenance for our youngest daughter. The older kids all still at home, but are over 18 so he doesn’t contribute towards them at all.
I charge them a minimal amount of rent, on the basis that they are all saving hard to move out.
He’s just got back from Rome and is heading off to Tenerife shorty

In the contact order, she goes to Scouts - with him, as he is a leader.
I have paid for her last lot of uniform, and half the Summer camp. She needs equipment for the camp, and also uniform. I have asked him to purchase just the shirt. (£20) while I get the rest and he won’t, refusing on that basis that he says he can’t afford it. I’ve never asked him to contribute towards any activities or kit that she needs for activities that she does while she’s with me, such as Pilates or trampolining or athletics.
Will I buy her one? Of course I will
but AIBU to think that he SHOULD be doing it?

OP posts:
Meraas · 14/07/2022 11:22

Please don’t pay it. He will be forced to do it unless he wants to look like a dick in front of the parents.

Original poster
Flutterbybudget · 14/07/2022 11:26

Wish I thought that would work, but it won’t. She’s not had a shirt for a couple of months now. She’s getting really embarrassed by it now tbh And she HAS to have one for camp.

OP posts:
10HailMarys · 14/07/2022 11:51

He should absolutely pay. He's a dick.

10HailMarys · 14/07/2022 11:52

Also, if he is a Scout leader, I strongly suspect he has loads of contact with people who have secondhand uniforms etc on offer, so he's got no bloody excuse.

Ontomatopea · 14/07/2022 11:55

He's the one who wants her to go to scouts so he should sort it.

Yodaisawally · 14/07/2022 11:58

YABU to buy it. Don't. He will have to.

SuperCamp · 14/07/2022 12:02

What shit behaviour by him.

So if he decides during his contact to introduce her to riding are you expected to buy full riding kit? A pony?

And he is a liar. ‘Can’t afford it’ when he has just reduced his maintenance costs by refusing to contribute to the older ones.

But in the end…but her the shirt, and feel good that you are doing the best by your Dd.

sleepymum50 · 14/07/2022 12:12

Yes he should buy it, but I’m not sure you can make him.

But I wanted to offer you a word of consolation.

As your DD grows she will become more and more aware of his refusals to do the decent thing, especially when it’s affects her. Your ex is not playing the long game and more fool him. It may come back to bite him when she’s older and doesn’t want much of a relationship with him.

I would suggest you don’t make a song and dance about it to your DD, but quietly make sure she know you are paying for it.

Of course you might want to point this out to your ex, that what he does now will affect his future relationship with his DD.

Original poster
Flutterbybudget · 14/07/2022 12:21

I probably will end up buying it, but after the conversation I’ve just had with him, I’ve pointed out that if he can’t compromise (where I was paying for half the camp, the equipment and the trousers and only asking his to get the shirt) he can buy the lot 🙈
waoting for a response now

OP posts:
Original poster
Flutterbybudget · 14/07/2022 12:25

He already has one son that wants nothing to do with him. Two other sons who won’t make any effort at all. A daughter who bends over backwards for him, to keep him happy. And now, the youngest, who isn’t too bothered what he does, or if she sees him. Never wants to do anything “extra” to the court order, and happily accepts when he refuses to stick to the terms re contact.
Its sad, but I can’t fix it.
All I can do is keep trying and being there for the children - they already know who it is that has their backs

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 14/07/2022 12:29

If he is the Scout Leader and she attends with him, then I would expect him to shoulder the costs for that and all it entails.

Why should any of the cost fall to you?

TempName01 · 14/07/2022 12:36

Don’t pay it, if she needs one for camp then he will have to buy one, get hold of a second hand one or she won’t be going to camp. End of.

AndSoFinally · 14/07/2022 12:40

You say he doesn't pay maintenance for the older ones, but your maintenance patents shouldn't have reduced that much, just all now be for the younger one?

My DSD is just starting uni. DP used to pay maintenance split between 3 kids. He's now paying about the same (minus about £20 I think) but it's just split between the younger 2.

AndSoFinally · 14/07/2022 12:41

That's through CSA. I guess a private arrangement might be different

Bunty55 · 14/07/2022 12:42

Why on earth is the man a scout leader given he does not care for his own children begs the question

AndSoFinally · 14/07/2022 12:44

What I'm trying to say is that if he used to pay £100 per child, and now just pays £100 for the youngest, you might be better off going to CSA, because they still expect you to pay about the same total, they just redistribute it to the eligible ones that are left

Original poster
Flutterbybudget · 14/07/2022 12:56

He never paid for the older ones because of their age
they were all over 16 when he left

OP posts:
MadeForThis · 14/07/2022 13:20

He should pay for all scout expenses

Summersolargirl · 14/07/2022 13:22

Morally yes, legally no. He only has to pay the cm. Nothing more.

Original poster
Flutterbybudget · 14/07/2022 13:33

Well, he says that if I don’t pay, he will tell her that she can’t got to camp and it’ll be my fault

OP posts:
sunflowerdaisyrose · 14/07/2022 13:42

How disappointment would she be not to go? If she would be happy doing something else with you instead with the money it would cost, I'd call his bluff and say ok then. Hard when you obviously don't want her to be disappointed but not sure how you can be expected to pay for an activity he chooses to do with her.

Original poster
Flutterbybudget · 14/07/2022 13:57

She would be gutted not to go tbh

Theyve just cancelled this weekends camp, and she was in tears about it this morning

OP posts:
jellyfrizz · 14/07/2022 14:10

Flutterbybudget · 14/07/2022 13:33

Well, he says that if I don’t pay, he will tell her that she can’t got to camp and it’ll be my fault

No, it'll be HIS fault.

StoneofDestiny · 14/07/2022 14:14

He is blackmailing you and using his daughter as a weapon. Vile specimen.

Original poster
Flutterbybudget · 14/07/2022 14:18

He’s just accused me of bullying and blackmail because Ove said that I won’t pay for it 😫😫

OP posts: