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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go on holiday with exdp

42 replies

NickyNora · 14/07/2022 00:14

Exdp and I split up over 3 years ago.

We have 3dc. He lives a few hours away at a resort.

The last couple of years I have paid for accommodation for the dc and exdp to stay in for a week in the summer holidays.

I generally stay a night and return home for my only child free time all year.

Exdp has not worked since we split up. He has not paid any maintenance or helped in any way with our dc. He lives with his df rent free. He sees our dc about once every 6 weeks, often has no plans and if I let him he would just sit in the house.

He hasn't moved on at all and I know he's really struggled with his mental health since we split up.

So this year, I said I wouldn't be staying, he got annoyed and said we should leave the dc visiting him this year.

Should I just stay so the dc get a holiday?
I feel like he's still trying to control me.

The dc are going to be disappointed so should I just put up with him for the week for my dc sake?

AIBU or is exdp?

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 14/07/2022 00:21

Maybe you and the children could have your own holiday?

Pumpkintopf · 14/07/2022 00:24

Yes if you're paying for everything anyway you could just take the dc away yourself - or is the child free time
important for you (no judgment just asking - must be a lot as a single mum).

HollowTalk · 14/07/2022 00:24

You are paying for his holiday? Why don't you just take the children yourself on your own holiday?

Undecidedandtorn · 14/07/2022 00:25

He is being very unreasonable but if it was me I'd just suck it up for the kids.

Original poster
NickyNora · 14/07/2022 00:26

Thankyou for replying. I can't afford to go on holiday this year as I have just had to replace my car.

I'm trying to organise a long weekend or something fun for the dc.

Normally he gets a deal from someone he knows for a cottage or chalet for £300/400.

I can't afford a whole week, prices are crazy this year.

OP posts:
blessedbethebutter · 14/07/2022 00:27

Why are you paying for it. The answer is no don't book anything and let him pay and book something to see the children.

Original poster
NickyNora · 14/07/2022 00:28

Undecidedandtorn · 14/07/2022 00:25

He is being very unreasonable but if it was me I'd just suck it up for the kids.

Thats what I'm thinking.

OP posts:
Original poster
NickyNora · 14/07/2022 00:30

Pumpkintopf · 14/07/2022 00:24

Yes if you're paying for everything anyway you could just take the dc away yourself - or is the child free time
important for you (no judgment just asking - must be a lot as a single mum).

Its the only time I get all year as I have no family support. I was going to clean and move bedrooms, nothing exciting but so much easier without having to deal with the dc.

OP posts:
Original poster
NickyNora · 14/07/2022 00:31

blessedbethebutter · 14/07/2022 00:27

Why are you paying for it. The answer is no don't book anything and let him pay and book something to see the children.

He won't.
I paid as the dc wanted to see their dad and have a week at the coast.

OP posts:
Pumpkintopf · 14/07/2022 00:34

Do you have to spend much time with him while you're there?
I think as it's one night I'd do it so the kids can have their week away and you can get your jobs done - but only you can say how much he's get in your head and if you really don't want to £400 will pay for eg a holiday club for a week for the dc so you can get on.

Original poster
NickyNora · 14/07/2022 00:42

Pumpkintopf · 14/07/2022 00:34

Do you have to spend much time with him while you're there?
I think as it's one night I'd do it so the kids can have their week away and you can get your jobs done - but only you can say how much he's get in your head and if you really don't want to £400 will pay for eg a holiday club for a week for the dc so you can get on.

He has said I need to stay the week as he's worried about dealing with the dc.
If it was one night, that would be great!

I wouldn't get them into any holiday clubs now as school finishes Friday.

OP posts:
Pumpkintopf · 14/07/2022 00:45

Sorry op I misunderstood- I thought from your original post you dropped them off, stayed one night then had your child free time.

So you'd have to stay all week and wouldn't get your jobs done anyway?

Original poster
NickyNora · 14/07/2022 00:50

Pumpkintopf · 14/07/2022 00:45

Sorry op I misunderstood- I thought from your original post you dropped them off, stayed one night then had your child free time.

So you'd have to stay all week and wouldn't get your jobs done anyway?

Thats what I did for the last 2 years but this year I was going to head straight back so I didn't lose a day.

The jobs aren't that big a deal, I will do them at some point but it would have been a good time to get them done.

I was going to meet up with an old friend too.

Just have a bit of a break as its been an incredibly tough year.

OP posts:
Pumpkintopf · 14/07/2022 00:54

Would be settle for the usual arrangement - you stay one night?
Could you live with that if so?

What is he worried about with the dc? How old are they?

Original poster
NickyNora · 14/07/2022 01:07

Pumpkintopf · 14/07/2022 00:54

Would be settle for the usual arrangement - you stay one night?
Could you live with that if so?

What is he worried about with the dc? How old are they?

Dc are 5, 7 & 9.
No, I offered to stay the night as usual, do all the unpacking and do the food shopping, just like the previous years.

He said he's finding the dc difficult and wants me to stay the week and we can share looking after the dc.

We won't share it, we never did, it was part of the reason our relationship broke down.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 14/07/2022 01:14

At some point I think you have to understand seeing that you have boundaries is good for the children. You've already done about ten steps more than I would. You already pay, shop, drive and he wants you to nanny for him as well?

No.

Christinatheastonishing · 14/07/2022 01:16

What a loser, I would not agree to any of it. Wouldn't have his access time at my house either. I'd rather save for a decent holiday for just the kids and I every couple of years. Something with kids club to get that break.

If you feel you absolutely must do it, you shouldn't let him stay with you. He can come over and take the kids out himself every now and again.

Motherchicken · 14/07/2022 01:17

Nope! He wants you to pay to for the week away, drive the DC there, stay and look after them for the week, pay for the food shop and drive them home! What exactly is his purpose?! Unless he has an award winning personality and you really want to spend a week with him that would be a fast no!

Musti · 14/07/2022 01:23

I would use that money to get you all annual passes for somewhere they enjoy that’s local and arrange some fun days out with you, the kids and local friends.

you having to pay, drive them, food shop, unpack and he still needs you there?? Nah, fuck that.

Iflyaway · 14/07/2022 01:39

Why are you paying for an ex's holiday if he's not even working?
Did I read that right??

He sounds like he does not deserve to see your DC if he can't even facilitate it or get his own shit together. While you run around ragged.

He's making a choice you know. An adult man.

What are you teaching your kids for their own future?

Believe me, as a LP, my kid is better off without his dead beat dad in his life.
He's an adult now and well sorted.

If I sound harsh, I'm sorry.

StClare101 · 14/07/2022 01:51

No way. Holiday canceled. Take the kids out on nice trips in the morning, screen time in the afternoons so you get some quiet time. He sounds absolutely pathetic and I wouldn’t enable him for another moment.

steff13 · 14/07/2022 01:54

He lives at a resort, but doesn't work at the resort? Why do they let him stay?

The petty part of me wants to say that I would not pay for anything or facilitate anything because it's his responsibility. However, if he won't see the kids otherwise then I think it might be damaging them not to facilitate their relationship. It's a tough one.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 14/07/2022 01:58

What will you get out of a week with XH that you pay for? Nothing but resentment. What will the kids get out of it really? Not a lot. You'll still be looking after them. Don't do it.

timeisnotaline · 14/07/2022 01:59

Either just stay a night and head off, as he’s coped in previous years he will cope he just doesn’t want to? Or, use the money to book some childcare for a couple of days instead to do your moving and have a break. Don’t pay for yourself to have a miserable week with your ex.

Besttobe8001 · 14/07/2022 02:05

Your children need to see you say no to this I think. For your sake and theirs. When they are older they will see what he is like.

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