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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go on holiday with exdp

42 replies

NickyNora · 14/07/2022 00:14

Exdp and I split up over 3 years ago.

We have 3dc. He lives a few hours away at a resort.

The last couple of years I have paid for accommodation for the dc and exdp to stay in for a week in the summer holidays.

I generally stay a night and return home for my only child free time all year.

Exdp has not worked since we split up. He has not paid any maintenance or helped in any way with our dc. He lives with his df rent free. He sees our dc about once every 6 weeks, often has no plans and if I let him he would just sit in the house.

He hasn't moved on at all and I know he's really struggled with his mental health since we split up.

So this year, I said I wouldn't be staying, he got annoyed and said we should leave the dc visiting him this year.

Should I just stay so the dc get a holiday?
I feel like he's still trying to control me.

The dc are going to be disappointed so should I just put up with him for the week for my dc sake?

AIBU or is exdp?

OP posts:
KosherDill · 14/07/2022 02:08

Motherchicken · 14/07/2022 01:17

Nope! He wants you to pay to for the week away, drive the DC there, stay and look after them for the week, pay for the food shop and drive them home! What exactly is his purpose?! Unless he has an award winning personality and you really want to spend a week with him that would be a fast no!

Exactly.

I can't get over that someone had THREE offspring with this waste of space as recently as five years ago. WTAF?

Use your money to make plans more convenient to you. They aren't missing much by not seeing him this summer.

Imogensmumma · 14/07/2022 02:12

No way!!! You are having to pay, drive and pay for food and get no time off… you need to pull out the mumsnet special- that doesn’t work for me!

It’s bad enough you are having to pay for the accommodation but I can somewhat be ok with that if it gives you a break but a big no for having to stay for the week

Original poster
NickyNora · 14/07/2022 02:29

KosherDill · 14/07/2022 02:08

Exactly.

I can't get over that someone had THREE offspring with this waste of space as recently as five years ago. WTAF?

Use your money to make plans more convenient to you. They aren't missing much by not seeing him this summer.

Show quote history

Things happen and people change.

I was with exdp over 20 years.

5 years ago exdp was a victim of a serious assault. He nearly died.
It totally changed him.

I have done all I can, to help the dc's relationship with their dad.

I feel incredibly guilty as I ended the relationship when he was in a bad place but I had no choice due to circumstances.
It makes it incredibly difficult to make decisions about the dc and exdp.

OP posts:
Caterinaballerina · 14/07/2022 06:54

if you book this accommodation and stay the week with your DC does he expect to stay in it with you or just visit? I know it doesn’t get you alone time but could you get it booked but then say he cannot stay with you the whole time and just have some days as you and the DC on a holiday at the coast? Then just see him a few times. It turns the narrative around if he’s helped by using his contact to get all of you a cheaper stay at the coast, it’s your holiday but the DC will get to see him a few times?

Sirzy · 14/07/2022 07:00

As awful as it is what he has been through the onus has to be on him to want to change and get better. It seems he is bouncing from you to his mum propping him up meaning he isn’t taking responsibility for himself.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/07/2022 14:41

OK that makes more sense. However at this point you're robbing him of the motivation to change things. If you want to help him, you still need boundaries.

WheekestLink · 14/07/2022 14:44

This is so stressful to read. You pay for a holiday for him to spend time with your joint children then he wants you to stay around like a holiday nanny? Why have you saddled yourself with this loser and why are you still indulging him?

WheekestLink · 14/07/2022 14:46

Sorry, just read your final update and he has changed since you met him.

You need to let him help himself. You can't keep carrying him. He won't get better when you enable him. If my Mum had basically had to pay for my Dad to see me, I'd rather not see him at all.

Meraas · 14/07/2022 14:52

Please don't pay for a week of running around after dc and ex.

Spend that money doing fun things with your dc.

You shouldn't have to bribe the kids' father to spend a week with his own kids by paying for accommodation, food and unpacking. That is so messed up.

10HailMarys · 14/07/2022 14:56

He said he's finding the dc difficult

That's tough shit, then, isn't it? If you can manage them as a single parent all the time, he can manage them for one week.

Does he actually want to see them? Do they actually want to see him, come to that?

PresidentByeThen · 14/07/2022 15:00

FTFAGOS

Which stands for fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Nope, not even to give the kids a holiday or facilitate them seeing their dad. Children need to see adults display clear boundaries. You won't get your jobs done and you won't get your break (you wouldn't anyway) but at least you won't be skivvying and spending time with someone you're no longer with. Do stuff on YOUR terms.

edenhills · 14/07/2022 15:18

This is so sad, tbh I don't think you would be unreasonable whatever you decide to do. Time off from children is incredibly important for your mental health but it would be hard to leave your children with someone who doesn't think they would cope. I see why you want to maintain the relationship with the children's dad but it might be beyond your control. It must be really hard for them, especially the older one. Has he had much therapy after his assault?

Naunet · 14/07/2022 15:35

He finds it hard so wants to share the childcare?! I’d point out to him that you already do, you take care of 51 weeks of the year, and he only has to do 1.

clpsmum · 14/07/2022 15:45

HeddaGarbled · 14/07/2022 00:21

Maybe you and the children could have your own holiday?

This don't let him control you. If he doesn't want to see them without you that's on him. Fuck him he sounds like yet another useless arsehole "dad"

Ponderingwindow · 14/07/2022 16:00

There is a balancing act between facilitating a relationship with an Impaired parent and maintaining a relationship that may actually start to harm the children. Even if he is struggling with the after-effects of an assault, 5 years on, he needs to be finding a way to be shifting back into caregiver mode. Parents are supposed to be the stable, guiding influence in a child’s life. Parents are supposed to be providers. If this incident left him disabled, his ability to fill this role might be limited, but he should still be looking for every single possible way to fill it. If he can’t handle long visits solo, he could be asking for short visits. He could be giving you a token amount of child maintenance. No, it wouldn’t go very far, but it would show he took his job as father seriously. At some point you need to stop feeling like all the responsibility in this situation belongs To you. .

TinselAngel · 14/07/2022 16:11

No. Don't do any of it. You don't have to facilitate him seeing his children any more than (at a push) taking them half way (although given he moved I don't see why you should even do that).

If he chooses not to see them based on you refusing to jump through his hoops, that's his fault not yours.

woody87 · 14/07/2022 16:20

Does he have an acquired brain injury from the assault?

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