My husband hates me

[Boredofmyself]

Anytime we go anywhere together like to watch one of the dc play a sport or pick them up from school or go to gym together, my dh leaves me and goes to talk to anyone he can see.
I'll spend an entire football match stood on my own or following him around like a dog.
It seems he hates My company..we don't spend all our time together we both work and have dc etc. So I would think he would stay stood with me at least for 5 minutes?
I dont stand alone by the way I do too talk to the other parents but they're all always stood as couples whereas mine forgets I'm even there.
Am I just being a needy little cow or am I right to be annoyed?

I do feel for you op. My H is ridiculously sociable and I was second fiddle to his friends for a long time. He also just goes off whenever we arrive somewhere to talk to others, including at weddings where I don't know anyone. When we go out for meals with other couples he leans forward and dominates the conversation very rarely bringing me into it. It's caused huge issues.

Due to lockdown we no longer have his friends just rocking up, I've been clear those days are over! Also I'm not prepared to quietly watch him "holding the floor" in group conversations or looking for him at events as he's just left me standing on my own. I've made it clear that I'm his priority not his friends. This may sound controlling but for years I felt like an accessory rather than a partner. Interestingly I had a friend who behaved like this too, me and her have now parted ways as I'm not prepared to be a "side kick".

@Dacquoise, your situation sounds remarkably like mine.
I realised that I'd been a single parent for years (while we were married) after we split. He just opted out of anything that was troublesome or stressful - that was my job, but that I asked for it.

@vipersnest1 I think they want to appear normal to the outside world with a wife and family whilst at the same time struggling to let anyone get close. So they can do superficial acquaintanceships but no one really knows them.

I actually feel sorry for him as he will end up completely alone. He tried therapy himself, lasted five minutes, not able to form a relationship with the therapist either. The definitive emotionally unavailable man that should be avoided.

@Greenginghamdress 💐
@SimonaRazowska good to have another perspective but he doesn't seem interested in me at home either. He's always reading the news on his phone or talking to a friend or running here and there doing stuff. If I ask him to sit down he complains the house is a mess and he needs to tidy.
I see other couples who are playful with each other and share 'in' jokes etc and I feel so jealous that I'll.never have that.
I have my dc but they will have thier own lives one day.

I dont know what the answer is but for now, leaving isn't it.
I always 'joke'to him that I want a platonic male friend to go on dates with or do stuff with and then I'd be happy. He just thinks I mean I want to sleep around..I dont care about sex i jjst want company soemtimes

OP telling this man you are lonely won't make any difference whatsoever. He doesn't care what you need or what you arnt getting from the marriage. He has checked out. He doesn't appreciate you at all. If you can't leave at the moment then try getting your head round the fact that you have to start checking out too. Ignore him as much as he ignores you. My bet is he won't even notice.

He doesn’t care about your words, certainly doesn’t care about women on the internet’s opinions that you showed him, then reinforced how much he doesn’t give a shit about you by hanging out with the school gate parent. He’s been very clear. Your kids will think this is normal.

My dad was always like this - he even used to leave my mum alone on planes and go off to chat to people he didn’t even know (how annoying for those people!). I think he was probably autistic (members of the younger generation have been diagnosed) and didn’t understand people’s boundaries properly abs was also very focused on his own needs - this is only one example, he did all sorts of strange stuff. He was very controlling of my mum and now he’s gone she is lost, which is sad as we thought she’d do more of the things that she wants.

Sorry, that ended up being a rant about my dad! I think if I’d been advising my mum I would tell her to please herself, pursue her own interests and stop relying on him for a social life.

@925XX yep ☺️Because cock is abundant and of low value. Absolutely no need to keep a low quality one hanging about. You should encourage women to raise their standards.

Oh @Boredofmyself I wish that I had the Wisdom of Solomon, so that I could confidently advise you on what you should do, but if I did have his wisdom, I might have managed my own life at least a little better. I just really hope and pray that you don't turn into me. If you do stay for now, please keep reassessing your and your children's lives, and maybe keep those screenshots both to remind yourself about how things are now, and to compare them with your future self. Good luck, and good decisions OP.

@Allthegoodnamesarechosen Thank you so much for those kind words, they actually mean a lot to me 💐

I feel so sad for you reading this.

Do you try to arrange e.g date nights? What happens?

When you are at home together do you enjoy spending time together? What do you have in common, what do you talk about? If nothing much, what was it to begin with?

How old are the dc?

@Boredofmyself it sounds like a lonely spot to be in, I’m so sorry. I don’t think you sound needy or particularly controlling, and I can understand why you don’t want to leave. If you are not going to leave though I suggest you take your focus right off him and put it on yourself. Proving to him he’s a bad husband, however true that might be, won’t help, if you feel like you have to push for attention you will feel lonelier.

It might just be time to accept things as they are for now and use the “alone” time to develop your interests. Even if it’s listening to podcasts, calling family or friends, or giving DC extra attention, it’s better than waiting. Your user name is “bored of myself” you need to rescue yourself from that feeling, it’s understandable because your DH has undermined you, but you are the only one who can turn that around really. It sounds like self care should be your main focus, once you find ways to make yourself happy you might find there’s less pressure on the relationship and it hurts less. 💐

I feel for you OP. I had an ex who used to do that. Lilterally bolt off as soon as we arrived anywhere, talking animatedly to anyone but me. If he was with me and someone he knew came up to us he'd just start chatting as if I wasn't there, and not introduce me. Sometimes the other person would look puzzled by this as if they wondered who I was. I wonder if they thought I was some weird stalker type because surely your mate wouldn't ignore their own girlfriend?!?

I felt as if it suited him to share the housework and bills and boring stuff but when he had time and money for fun stuff he wanted the company of anyone but me.

He was astonished when I dumped him. Not soon enough!

Dc are between 1 Yr and 8 years old

How dare he!
No wonder your self esteem is suffering.
He's a bastard to do this to you. You deserve better x

@allgoodabc this seems like excellent advice, that is relevant for many other occasions as well.

Hi @Boredofmyself - I just wanted to say, as someone whose parents have stayed in a terrible marriage, think carefully about staying just for your DC.

Splitting up might upset them in the short term, but won’t ruin their lives. The youngest won’t even remember you being together if you were to leave soon. What will affect them for the rest of their lives is what they learn from you and your H about relationships.

I know it’s easy for a stranger on the internet to say you should leave, but do think about what you’re showing them.

Even if you mentally check out and spend the next x months or years (until you feel able to leave) building up your confidence, building friendships and developing new interests, you’d at least be demonstrating that your happiness isn’t dependent on your marriage and that your self-worth is important.

I second that. The reason I ended up with an emotionally unavailable avoidant man was because both my parents were self absorbed ignorers too. It seemed normal to me to have to entertain myself whilst my exH did what he wanted.

Having children really brought home how alone and lonely I was. My Dd has no relationship with her father which is not unexpected although he put on a really good 'show' around other people.

Find a healthy relationship to model for your children.

Taken on board what you're all saying and have had a long hard think. I dont know why I keep trying, nothing ever changes.
I think I need to forge some more friendships and hobbies and do my own thing. It's difficult with young dc and not much money though

You have a DH he parents the DC whilst you go out and forge new friendships and hobbies - it's non negotiable!

This.

And plan on returning to work.

Long term you are going to want out.

Talk to your GP about counselling.
It may take a while to get but would be good for you.

Yanbu op.
Be very careful. One day your dh will meet someone he does want to spend time with and talk to. If you tolerate this for much longer it will be harder for you to meet someone else, get a decent job, make new friends and everything else.
Just for reference I was at a do last night with dh. A couple I know we’re dancing together, laughing looking into each other eyes etc. They have been married for 30 years yet looked as though they had just met. All our other friends were chatting with the ohs, and us too. The other couples are all second marriages. So your situation is not normal nor desireable.

Well that's just it, nothing will change because it's only you trying to change things. It needs both of you to work on it and it sounds like he just doesn't want to.