Page 2 | My husband hates me

Boredofmyself · 2022-07-12T20:24:16+00:00

Anytime we go anywhere together like to watch one of the dc play a sport or pick them up from school or go to gym together, my dh leaves me and goes to talk to anyone he can see. I'll spend an entire football match stood on my own or following him around like a dog. It seems he hates My company..we don't spend all our time together we both work and have dc etc. So I would think he would stay stood with me at least for 5 minutes? I dont stand alone by the way I do too talk to the other parents but they're all always stood as couples whereas mine forgets I'm even there. Am I just being a needy little cow or am I right to be annoyed?

SaltandPepper22 · 13/07/2022 08:13

This makes me feel so sad OP. There is no reason for him to ignore you and if he knows you are anxious in social situations he should be making the effort to include you in conversations.

@anotherscroller i don’t think “overdeveloped social skills” are an excuse here. There is no reason why couples can’t mingle together. It always makes me feel incredibly awkward when you are out and the vibe is clearly off between couples.

The best couples bring each other into conversations and complement each other in social situations. This doesn’t mean they need to be glued to the hip (as that’s a bit odd too) but checking in with each other and not allowing the other person to be alone is part of going out as a duo

925XX · 13/07/2022 09:21

Meraas · 12/07/2022 21:57

Dump him and find someone who wants to be with you.

He sounds like a knob.

Every time a woman has the slightest complaint about her partner there is always someone who jumps in with "dump them, leave them" FFS!

Original poster

Boredofmyself · 13/07/2022 10:54

@TheLadyofShalott1 you should never have to feel liek you're a burden.. this is partly what I'm afraid of, that I'll keep trying and trying and one day I'll be too old to move on. I already panic when i think of when my dc move out it'll just be me! They're the only reason I'm still here.
I dont want to break up the family.
They have cousins on dhs side of the family who they're so incredibly close to and his family is the type that would cut us all off if we split up and I cant do that to them.
Another pp said about thier dh being charming with others, that my DH, he will bend over backwards for anyone too, but I have to hint and hint and hint for a bday present etc..I ended up buying myself something last year!
I also get told I'm incredibly lucky to have him as he's so happy and funny and blah blah blah but not to me he's not.
He does do his fair share with the dc however and people see that and comment on that also, but it irritates me because they don't see the flip side of things where he barely knows I exist.

OP posts:

LonelyInAutumn · 13/07/2022 13:32

My ex bf was a mamma's boy. Whenever we would go out, I'd get ignored as he would be on the phone to/texting his mom. When I'd bring it up he'd say that I was jealous of their relationship and that I wanted him all to myself. If you are communicating your needs to someone and they are ignoring them/deciding to not take action, you need to decide if you are willing to tolerate it. I hope things get better for you OP.

Marvellousmadness · 13/07/2022 13:35

He sees you as a roomie.
He is no longer your dh. Just a guy you share a house with. You deserve better.

Hutchy16 · 13/07/2022 13:39

Boredofmyself · 12/07/2022 21:36

Yes I've asked, he says that he wants to talk to people which is fine but he never never stands next to me anywhere ever.

As for at home, he couldn't care less about having time together. He hasn't initiated a date night or anything ever and I gave up 3 years ago. If I asked him he would say oh its because of the dc and no childcare but we used to manage it when I sorted it out.

Just be careful…my husband was like this, then I started being blamed for us not doing anything.

is he nearing a midlife crisis? Try and get ahead of it by taking some time away from each other, and then making plans to spend quality time together.

my marriage is floundering right now, because after 18 years, the quality time just became quantity time, and we are having to work hard to change that

billy1966 · 13/07/2022 14:06

OP,
Not sure if he hates you, but it sure sounds as if he is indifferent.

I think you should seek out counselling to help build your self confidence and from their a life for yourself.

Men who are super nice outside the home are the worst.

Start looking after yourself and stop doing anything for him that makes his life easier.

Start focusing on looking after yourself and feeling better about yourself.

Ofnoteandnightmares · 13/07/2022 14:13

This isn’t good for you or fair on you. My partner and I love to spend time together - that’s why we are together. You deserve better than this, everybody does, and a life spent being unwanted in the key relationship of adult life, is really not worth it. Find someone who likes to spend time with you and who you like to spend time with.

Original poster

Boredofmyself · 13/07/2022 14:17

@Ofnoteandnightmares that is what I long for, for someone to want to be with me.
I showed him a screenshot of some of these replies..we then went to pick the dc up from school together and what does he do? Run across the road to stand next to one of the mums we know, I mean he didn't even say to me shall we stand over there? Or ask me anything just off he jogged

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roarfeckingroarr · 13/07/2022 14:22

Mine is like this. I've called off engagement plans. When our baby is born and the first few crazy months have passed,I will be ending it. Life is too short to feel invisible and worthless (how it makes me feel)

Bunty55 · 13/07/2022 14:26

OP You do realise it is him with the problem here and not you ? This sort of behaviour - disowning you in front of others would be a dealbreaker for me. You are supposed to be a couple not two ships in the night.

Anjcat · 13/07/2022 14:36

I don’t think he hates you but there is definitely something wrong.
Do you have any intimacy/sex? I think it’s a vital part of a relationship which helps to maintain closeness and a desire to spend time together and bonds you as a couple.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/07/2022 14:38

roarfeckingroarr · 13/07/2022 14:22

Mine is like this. I've called off engagement plans. When our baby is born and the first few crazy months have passed,I will be ending it. Life is too short to feel invisible and worthless (how it makes me feel)

I'm so sorry, but well done. You're worth more, absolutely.

roarfeckingroarr · 13/07/2022 14:43

@Aquamarine1029 I never should've given him another chance after he walked out on me and toddler last year. But he's an engaged and loving father and reliable in other ways, so I thought I should. We had sex ONCE and now I'm having our second. Fortunately I own the property, earn more and have a great network. So I'm very lucky in a way and will never again let a man make me feel invisible, insignificant, undesirable and unworthy.

Original poster

Boredofmyself · 13/07/2022 14:44

@Anjcat no intimacy he tries but Ive refused for a while as that's the only time he ever pays me any attention and I need to bond and feel closeness in other ways, I'm not a robot.
If I had a friend who had this issue I would give the same advice that you've all given me but I feel it's not worth to end my marriage and ruin my kids lives.
My best friend is going through a divorce and her dc are distraught and acting out

OP posts:

Original poster

Boredofmyself · 13/07/2022 14:45

@roarfeckingroarr I wish I was as brave as you. Well done for doing it.

OP posts:

roarfeckingroarr · 13/07/2022 14:48

@Boredofmyself I'm not that brave, I have it another go despite instincts screaming at me not to. But. I wanted another baby, so it's turned out well, just need to get through the foreseeable before I can charge forward without this deadweight.

How old are your children?

Judijudi · 13/07/2022 14:54

Boredofmyself · 13/07/2022 14:44

@Anjcat no intimacy he tries but Ive refused for a while as that's the only time he ever pays me any attention and I need to bond and feel closeness in other ways, I'm not a robot.
If I had a friend who had this issue I would give the same advice that you've all given me but I feel it's not worth to end my marriage and ruin my kids lives.
My best friend is going through a divorce and her dc are distraught and acting out

It’s sad the way he acts makes you feel this way. Sounds like you need couples therapy to salvage your relationship.
I’d speak to him and see if he is willing to at least try to improve/save your relationship. You don’t even sound like you are friends - more just sharing the same space and the kids.
Intimacy can start with the simplest gestures - holding hands, always giving a kiss hello/goodbye, sitting physically close on the sofa etc

Greenginghamdress · 13/07/2022 15:18

I wanted to let you know you aren't alone in this situation

SimonaRazowska · 13/07/2022 16:00

Going against the grain here, but DH and I always split up during “socials”, that way we have a lot to talk about at home 😁

we can talk at home, and on the way there, why hang out together all the time?

to me that would be suffocating

and if my partner thought I “hated” him just for talking to other people, I would find that a bit needy and suffocating tbh

Dacquoise · 13/07/2022 16:05

vipersnest1 · 12/07/2022 22:12

My XH was like this - he could be totally charming with other people, but could barely give me the time of day. Note the X.

Mine too. It was an incredibly lonely marriage. He couldn't tolerate being in he house much, was always away for work or doing his hobbies you a ridiculous degree. Couldn't even walk next to me on a pavement. Would stride ahead. The worse part was he made out I was the problem, too needy and controlling which was another technique to control closeness.

When we divorced I discovered, through therapy, that he had issues with intimacy (dismissive avoidant attachment). Had to keep me at arms length at all times. Could flirt and be charming with other people but not get emotionally close to anyone.

This sort of thing doesn't get better without psychological intervention. He's now going through his second divorce, no surprise. I am with a partner who doesn't have these issues, bliss!

georgarina · 13/07/2022 16:09

SimonaRazowska · 13/07/2022 16:00

Going against the grain here, but DH and I always split up during “socials”, that way we have a lot to talk about at home 😁

we can talk at home, and on the way there, why hang out together all the time?

to me that would be suffocating

and if my partner thought I “hated” him just for talking to other people, I would find that a bit needy and suffocating tbh

It's different though because OP's husband isn't talking with her when they get home, he's acting like he wants to shake her off all the time.

OP if I were you that would make me feel that he was trying to make me feel less-than. Does he ever criticize what you did when you were out - what you said, how you acted, like it embarrassed him? It's quite a common narcissistic behaviour.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 13/07/2022 16:11

@TheLadyofShalott1

Im so sorry.I hope you find some peace and happiness.

Fenella123 · 13/07/2022 16:15

Is he not worried that after years of him shooting off to talk to anyone else, and not being arsed to get you a birthday present, that someone else will step up and lure you away, or at least into an affair?

GabriellaMontez · 13/07/2022 16:19

My ex h was like this. He didn't hate me. He took me for granted. Couldn't resist seeing who else was around. The grass was always greener. Clearly he thought I'd never leave. He was wrong.

I'm with someone else now. He'd never do this. It's so nice to have a partner.