Being defamed and lied about ~ should I let it go?

[Ladyof2022]

Couple of years ago I met up with a woman I only knew via women's/feminist Facebook groups. We found that we lived near each other, so decided to meet in real life.

I was 60 and she 40 and a single mum to a five-year-old. We met and had a wide-ranging, good-humoured discussion for about an hour, mainly about women's issues, her life, my life, etc. She calls herself a feminist. We got on really well. I'd brought her a gift (a local interest book I'd written, dedicated to her and signed) and she was thrilled and appreciative. We ordered tea and cakes and, because she had mentioned that she was hard up, I discreetly picked up the tab. When we left, she walked alongside me (I am mobility-disabled and use an electric wheelchair), keen to keep the convo going until we had to part. She kissed my cheek as we parted and I genuinely felt that I had made a new, like-minded friend.

She rang me a few days later and we had a friendly convo on the phone. Then about a week after that I ran into her by accident in the town centre. She greeted me with a huge smile and a hug. Her child was on a timed, paid ride so I waited with her and chatted until the ride ended, then I left, without interacting with the child at all. She waved me off with a smile hoping she'd 'see me soon'.

At no time did I say or do anything weird, eccentric, or in any way less than sane, normal and socially acceptable.

Sorry the back-story was a bit long but I didn't want people to have to ask me questions and then I'd have to drip-feed.

A few days after this I visited one of our FB groups to read her telling all the other members, none of whom had ever met me or even had a DM exchange with me, that she had met me and that I was 'batshit crazy,' 'insane,' 'unhinged' and 'mentally deranged'. She said that when I approached her in town she was 'terrified' that I might 'harm her child' so she 'humoured me' until she could get her child to safety. Reading her comments I literally went into physical shock, shaking and welling up with tears. I could not believe anyone could write such things about me, of all people. I'm a fairly quiet, studious type of person.

I spent hours going over everything I could remember us talking about, what I wore, what I said, how I behaved, etc. trying desperately to think of what she could possibly have misinterpreted, but I could not think of anything.

I messaged her to ask what on earth had prompted such untrue comments and she blocked me. From then I could not see her posts, but I could see other women responding to her posts about me. To my horror, people were saying things like 'Wow, she sounds crazy' and 'thanks for the warning - will unfriend' and that they were going to ask the group owner to ban me. Then I noticed that one by one they were blocking me, even those I had had pleasant exchanges with. It was like being trapped in a nightmare, but I could not wake up.

I could not think of anything I could post to 'prove' that I am not what she claimed, so I stopped posting. Then I found myself ejected from one group, then another. I have shed many tears over this, it was so horrible and so utterly unfair.

I have a problem with my spine, but I have literally never suffered any form of mental illness whatsoever. (Even if I had, I don't think her actions would have been acceptable.)

My social life is already limited because of my disability and so I rely more than most on social media and FB groups for social interaction and friendship. Because of this one person, I have been unfriended by many likeminded women and banned from several FB groups.

Next I ran into her in a shopping street and she started shouting that I was "that weird, cray-cray lady", laughing at me, making people stop and stare at me, and she marched up and filmed me with her phone, shoving it in my face whilst laughing loudly. I could not get out of the way as I was in my wheelchair and she was blocking my way. She called me a "fucking nutcase" and a "crackpot". Later I a friend said I should report her for disability Hate Crime. I phoned the police and reported the incident but they said that without an address there is nothing they can do. Her name was not known to them and may even be a pseudonym. I don't have her phone number. They said that if I could get her address I could take out a private prosecution against her for defamation (though what is the point? I'd have to pay court fees, and all a court can do is award me monetary damages, and she's a single mum on the dole.) I found out that a tracing company charges £600 to obtain an address.

I keep seeing her about town, maybe once a month, and she always points at me and laughs at me, and turns to whoever she is with, or standing near, points at me, and says horrible things about me, and then they stare at me, too, and she's turned yet another person against me in this small town.

I never react. I pretend I have not seen her. My stomach churns, my eyes fill with tears, my mood is ruined, but I do nothing.

Am I being too passive? Wimpish, in fact? Should I approach her when I see her and demand to know why she tells these lies? Should I follow her home so I can get an address to give the police?

AIBU vote:

YES, YOU ARE BEING UNREASONABLE TO BE SO PASSIVE ~ Obtain her address, report her for disability Hate Crime and/or sue her for defamation. Take her photo and make a complaint to the police every.single.time she says things to you or about you.

NO, YOU ARE NOT ~ Continue to do nothing. Rise above it. Ignore here when you see her, and let her get away with everything she's done and continues to do.

What you really need is someone to join the groups and search her posting name, find out what was said (if they haven't been deleted then it is easy enough to search), screenshot the posts in case you need them to form a case of harassment and also perhaps then use the info to find out and more info for the police.

once you know what has been said, you could contact the admin on the groups if you want to or get the other person to do they for you.

Do you have anyone IRL who could do that?

It all sounds very very strange. Why on earth would multiple women in feminist Facebook groups immediately take the word of one member over another and collude with them to get you banned? It seems odd and extreme. I've never seen anything remotely like it in the multiple FB groups I've belonged to over the years. As pp have said you should be taking it up with the mods of the groups.

You do seem to be unlucky with the frequency of bumping into this woman in town too. I wonder if she's actually following you! It's a shame she moves from mouldy bedsit to mouldy bedsit frequently because it should be really easy to find her address with all the other information you have about her.

What does she mean when she says you are a danger to children? Is she accusing you of paedophilia?

This is not true. The Police are supposed to investigate!

Get some advice from a University legal.clinic.

Sorry sounds horrible I think there is an app you can use her photo to search for her photo on the internet might show up her real name?

Can you wear a body can like security guards have?

OP you need to stop looking inward for a reason . Just stop, you haven't done anything wrong. Take a squeeze man. This lady has targeted you and there will be a reason she moves so much.

Find your angry. As you've found out, SM is a powerful tool and you can also use it to your advantage. Put out a plea that you're being bullied and need help finding out about this person. See if you can get a photo of her. You want a name and an address. I guarantee she'll be known to the area.

Don't let the police fob you off, ring them again. I hope you've been keeping some sort of record of these incidents.

It’s bullying. She saw someone vulnerable and took advantage. Some people look for victims. Your best ally here is time because people like this get drunk on power. She will be compelled to do it to someone else. As you are normal, behave normally. Seek out other friends and groups, build a support network and wait. She is being verbally abusive to you. If you ever see her in town again, record her abusive vehaviour and go to the police about her harassment of you. It would ve great if justice was done and she got her comeuppance- I think in her case it’s going to be the slow realisation that her abusive behaviour is a pattern

Off topic but - you have to submit your passport to facebook as proof now?? (Been so many years since i signed up, didnt know the rules had changed)

Agree with this.

Could you get a dash cam for your mobility scooter (is that an acceptable thing? - I believe horse riders do similar to record antisocial behaviour from drivers)

This is horrendous for you and typical of the jobsworths at the police. However the police do have (supposedly) priorities and since you have a physical disability and need a wheelchair, are an older person and a woman, that would make you a vulnerable person according to their criteria. Also they are forever touting their strategy for dealing with violence against women and girls, which you have experienced in the form you described, being harassment and intimidatory behaviour. So you could write to the local Inspector about the brush off and lack of help you have received.

Aside from the police, I feel that you need someone to help and support you. Depending on finances you could consider a local private investigator to find out things, whether it be about her or the facebook side of this.

Are there any volunteer schemes run by the local council or a volunteer hub located there that can point you to local organisations? How about contacting Victim Support or Saga and asking for someone to visit you? Samaritans might be another possibility. There might be some sort of befriender scheme that they run or know of.

I really feel for you, this woman sounds like she has a personality disorder. Document everything and report her, as this is discriminatory abuse

OP you have said several times that this happened 2 years ago. Has the woman continued to harass you regularly since then? If so, that's quite a sustained level of harassment. Have you kept a diary of what she's said and when? If you've kept screenshots of the things she was writing about you on the groups then I'd compile a little dossier of everything that's happened and go back to the police with it.

Scope in UK are a disability charity with info on harassment. Don't know if this was suggested yet.

However the police do have (supposedly) priorities and since you have a physical disability and need a wheelchair, are an older person and a woman, that would make you a vulnerable person according to their criteria.

OP have you stated anywhere in your posts that you are a woman? Personally I didn't make that assumption.

You've quoted something I wrote.

It's not an assumption.

It's in the OP.

The other woman called the OP 'that weird cray cray lady', which I assume she would not have done if the OP was a man.

Next I ran into her in a shopping street and she started shouting that I was "that weird, cray-cray lady", laughing at me, making people stop and stare at me, and she marched up and filmed me with her phone, shoving it in my face whilst laughing loudly
If I saw that I'd think she was the loon not you. People must have realised by now it's her that's the nutter don't worry. If it were me I'd respond to the shouting and filming by saying 'Please leave me alone and stop harassing me"

What do you mean "it's not an assumption". I know I was quoting you abitofalark. I used the quote to ask OP a question as I didn't know if they were male or female.

If I missed where the OP said they were female then apologies for not spotting it it is quite a long op after all.

What do you think I mean? It couldn't be clearer. I had made a statement that she is a woman, which you quoted, querying whether she was, adding: " Personally I didn't make that assumption."

Oh gosh, thanks to everyone for all the replies. I'm a bit overwhelmed with so many extra questions but will just clarify yes I am a woman, and that I do not know if she is accusing me of, or has ever accused me of paedophilia. I don't have, and have never had, anything to do with children, and have never spoken to her child. All I have seen her write is that I am a "danger to children" whatever she means by that, I do not know.

To reply to @WhenDovesFly

"OP you have said several times that this happened 2 years ago. Has the woman continued to harass you regularly since then?"

As I explained in my OP it started 2 years ago but every time I run into her in our small town, on average about 10-12 times a year, she laughs at me, points at me, turns to her friends and says something about me, then they stare at me and say things (that I cannot hear) and sometimes she has filmed me. So it is ongoing, but I have not actually come home and made a log of it. I just try to put it out of my mind as it's so upsetting.

I note that the vote results are that 2/3rds think I should pursue this and not keep letting her get away with it.

I will make a list of all the suggestions and go through them thoughtfully to see which are possible.

Thanks once again to those who took the time and effort to respond.

I have a smartphone which has a filming function on the camera.

If someone reports you for having a fake name then fb insist on seeing photo ID and if you were using an alias make you change your name to what it says on your photo ID. They block your access to your account until they’ve seen the ID. They don’t care why you might not want your real name searchable or if you’re trying to hide from an abuser. No new rule, this happened to me 10 or 15 years ago.