Being defamed and lied about ~ should I let it go?

[Ladyof2022]

Couple of years ago I met up with a woman I only knew via women's/feminist Facebook groups. We found that we lived near each other, so decided to meet in real life.

I was 60 and she 40 and a single mum to a five-year-old. We met and had a wide-ranging, good-humoured discussion for about an hour, mainly about women's issues, her life, my life, etc. She calls herself a feminist. We got on really well. I'd brought her a gift (a local interest book I'd written, dedicated to her and signed) and she was thrilled and appreciative. We ordered tea and cakes and, because she had mentioned that she was hard up, I discreetly picked up the tab. When we left, she walked alongside me (I am mobility-disabled and use an electric wheelchair), keen to keep the convo going until we had to part. She kissed my cheek as we parted and I genuinely felt that I had made a new, like-minded friend.

She rang me a few days later and we had a friendly convo on the phone. Then about a week after that I ran into her by accident in the town centre. She greeted me with a huge smile and a hug. Her child was on a timed, paid ride so I waited with her and chatted until the ride ended, then I left, without interacting with the child at all. She waved me off with a smile hoping she'd 'see me soon'.

At no time did I say or do anything weird, eccentric, or in any way less than sane, normal and socially acceptable.

Sorry the back-story was a bit long but I didn't want people to have to ask me questions and then I'd have to drip-feed.

A few days after this I visited one of our FB groups to read her telling all the other members, none of whom had ever met me or even had a DM exchange with me, that she had met me and that I was 'batshit crazy,' 'insane,' 'unhinged' and 'mentally deranged'. She said that when I approached her in town she was 'terrified' that I might 'harm her child' so she 'humoured me' until she could get her child to safety. Reading her comments I literally went into physical shock, shaking and welling up with tears. I could not believe anyone could write such things about me, of all people. I'm a fairly quiet, studious type of person.

I spent hours going over everything I could remember us talking about, what I wore, what I said, how I behaved, etc. trying desperately to think of what she could possibly have misinterpreted, but I could not think of anything.

I messaged her to ask what on earth had prompted such untrue comments and she blocked me. From then I could not see her posts, but I could see other women responding to her posts about me. To my horror, people were saying things like 'Wow, she sounds crazy' and 'thanks for the warning - will unfriend' and that they were going to ask the group owner to ban me. Then I noticed that one by one they were blocking me, even those I had had pleasant exchanges with. It was like being trapped in a nightmare, but I could not wake up.

I could not think of anything I could post to 'prove' that I am not what she claimed, so I stopped posting. Then I found myself ejected from one group, then another. I have shed many tears over this, it was so horrible and so utterly unfair.

I have a problem with my spine, but I have literally never suffered any form of mental illness whatsoever. (Even if I had, I don't think her actions would have been acceptable.)

My social life is already limited because of my disability and so I rely more than most on social media and FB groups for social interaction and friendship. Because of this one person, I have been unfriended by many likeminded women and banned from several FB groups.

Next I ran into her in a shopping street and she started shouting that I was "that weird, cray-cray lady", laughing at me, making people stop and stare at me, and she marched up and filmed me with her phone, shoving it in my face whilst laughing loudly. I could not get out of the way as I was in my wheelchair and she was blocking my way. She called me a "fucking nutcase" and a "crackpot". Later I a friend said I should report her for disability Hate Crime. I phoned the police and reported the incident but they said that without an address there is nothing they can do. Her name was not known to them and may even be a pseudonym. I don't have her phone number. They said that if I could get her address I could take out a private prosecution against her for defamation (though what is the point? I'd have to pay court fees, and all a court can do is award me monetary damages, and she's a single mum on the dole.) I found out that a tracing company charges £600 to obtain an address.

I keep seeing her about town, maybe once a month, and she always points at me and laughs at me, and turns to whoever she is with, or standing near, points at me, and says horrible things about me, and then they stare at me, too, and she's turned yet another person against me in this small town.

I never react. I pretend I have not seen her. My stomach churns, my eyes fill with tears, my mood is ruined, but I do nothing.

Am I being too passive? Wimpish, in fact? Should I approach her when I see her and demand to know why she tells these lies? Should I follow her home so I can get an address to give the police?

AIBU vote:

YES, YOU ARE BEING UNREASONABLE TO BE SO PASSIVE ~ Obtain her address, report her for disability Hate Crime and/or sue her for defamation. Take her photo and make a complaint to the police every.single.time she says things to you or about you.

NO, YOU ARE NOT ~ Continue to do nothing. Rise above it. Ignore here when you see her, and let her get away with everything she's done and continues to do.

You were being fobbed off.

If you have her social media profile details, a phone number (presume you have this as she called you), and a name to give them (even if it's a first name or an alias)- the police should be recording a harassment against you and doing something to identify her. If she's ever phoned the police before or had any contact with them this will take all of a few minutes... This is NOT down to you and do not pay £600!

As pp said, imagine how many crimes committed by strangers would go unrecorded if this was the case.

One day, probably soon, she will do this to someone else. And probably another someone after that. Word will start to go around

Awww this is really sad

I really feel for you, it's nightmarish someone can have so much power. Did you have any standing in the groups? Could you contact the moderators with your version (briefly).
The only thing I can think of is the book is a bit full on?

Oh dear.

Thanks to everyone for taking the time and trouble to reply.

I don't have her phone number. She rang me once, on my landline, and afterwards of course other calls came in between then and when she started to abuse me and so I could not get her number.

I'm not a member of any of the FB groups we were both in.

Yes, good idea, I could indeed start another account/identity on FB but I don't think it will help. I don't know if the posts she made about me are still on the groups but it would take ages of scrolling and searching to find them.

Using a friend's FB I can see her FB profile. It only gives her town, which, obvs. I already know and she hasn't filled in any other details like date of birth and there are no photos.

She does not drive - she's skint and struggling to raise a child alone on benefits.

She isn't on 192 or The Phone Book. She did tell me that she does not have a landline and that she moved from one cheap rental bedsit to another quite frequently as they often turned out to be damp or too cold or too noisy, so she probably isn't registered to vote anywhere.

I have thought about calling the police when I spot her and see her pointing to me and talking about me, but to be honest I don't think it warrants a 999 emergency call, and if one dials 101 it takes ages to actually get through to speak to anyone. And then they tell you to log the complaint online.

@OneFrenchEgg

"Did you have any standing in the groups?" ...... None.

"Could you contact the moderators with your version (briefly)" .... It was 2 yrs ago that she was posting about me. What would I be asking them to do?

"The only thing I can think of is the book is a bit full on?" .... TBH I don't know what you mean by that, sorry. It's a little local interest book that is respected, held in our library and sold in our local museum. That one time she rang me she praised it and thanked me for it.

Firstly I'd get in touch with the moderators of the groups you've been removed from and ask them for their group policy, because they may be discriminating against you by taking her word against yours. The group's have a public profile and so should be more careful than an individual might be. You could even be extremely honest with the mods and say the harassment is taking place in real life and you are gathering evidence for the police, that should shake them up a bit.

Filming her filming you could go either way, you want to protect yourself because her behaviour is not right and she could escalate.

Op there is a search function on Facebook, go to thr page you want and there’s a little search icon at the top and you can just put in your name and anything referencing you will come up

do you have any idea of things she said you said which she thinks makes you unhinged?

Thanks again for the kind sentiments and supportive comments.

I would never write about any of this in my real name because so often people think there is "no smoke without fire" and may suspect that I really am a danger to kids and out of my mind. I hated even giving my name to the police in case they thought that I "must have done something to deserve it".

Yes I think you all all correct that the police fobbed me off. I was told "just come off social media" because it's a quagmire of bullies and harassers. I was told to "just ignore her". They were interested to know if she had actually hit me, and when I said she had not, I could hear the interest wane. "Oh, it's just words, then, nothing serious" was the tone of the reply. (And yet I have read of the police driving hundreds of miles to arrest women for using the wrong pronoun online.)

Not sure about rejoining the FB groups under a fake name, as she might still be on them and just seeing her name makes me feel sick. And if I tell the mods who I really am they might remove me and report me to FB because FB has a rule that you must use your own real name (I've had to submit my passport to them already for my real profile.)

OK I will photograph her and go back to the police again if she continues her behaviour when/if I see her again.

She did not quote me, or make up something pretending I had said it. She just said, "I've met X and she's........" and "Block X, she's a nutter". She never gave any reasons, which also really hurt my feelings as some of these women, who call themselves feminists, by the way, instantly took her word for it and blocked me, and some who were mods removed me from some groups. All on the word of one person. I had no idea how easy it was to smear someone and get them banned for absolutely nothing.

I left the groups that did not ban me, because she had turned my name to mud, so I felt I could not longer post. I can't even remember the exact names of the groups as this was 2 yrs ago.

I'm so so so sad to read your post OP. I'm thinking how I would feel on your situation and it would just be awful.
I think you need to protect yourself and your mental health and get some legal advice.
This person sounds crazy.

I really hope you're ok!
If it's any consolation people like this one will be known by her family and friends for being like this. They will be known by their neighbours or work colleagues for being like this. It's absolutely never ok to film someone and talk about them like that. Nobody will trust or think highly of this person. This will feel for you. Trust me!

Log every incident in real life with the police. Every single time. It’s harassment and hate and not acceptable behaviour. Note location, Date and time. If she blocking you from moving you dial 999 or start screaming for help. Draw attention from other passers by. Shout she won’t let me move etc etc. no it’s not fun nor what you want to be doing ideally but you’ll detract the attention from her and possibly other people will realise she’s the crazy one and tell her to move/stop.

This is awful. But she must have said something op. You don’t get banned for someone saying you’re a nutter and nothing more and you don’t get responses like “she sounds crazy” for simply calling someone a nutter.

you keep mentioning feminism. And commented on pronouns. Do you have extreme views maybe? She’s clearly being saying something about you but she’s saying something that is causing mods to ban you. You need to find out what’s being said. I think you need to contact the mods and ask exactly why yoire being banned from all these groups, it’s way more than someone calling you a nutter and nothing more.

I'd be approaching the moderator of the groups she's had you thrown out of. Tell them the police are involved. Mention disability hate crime. And that you're contacting a solicitor.

If necessary, I'd rejoin the groups with a fake profile. I'd track her down via her name/photos/details/friends/info. Then I'd get her details to the police. I'd be ready to video her if she approaches you again.

What an unpleasant character she is.

If you have a photo of her then you can do a photo search it on google to see if you can find other profiles.

Do you still have her old phone number? You can try searching that, also.

Can you have a friend join one of the FB groups to try and find her? I wouldn't do so under a new profile - it sounds too disturbing for you and you've been through enough.

Were these hobby groups? I do think you should try to clear your name. And by now she's probably shown enough of her true colors that people realize she's the one with the issues.

Oh op. This sounds awful. The distress is palpable in your posts. What I will say is if I saw someone on a public forum being so nasty, I would wonder about them. For everyone who unfriended you there will be others who thought it was awful but didn't want to get involved. Also as another poster said, she will have previous and she will do this again.

"Could you contact the moderators with your version (briefly)" .... It was 2 yrs ago that she was posting about me. What would I be asking them to do?

I would be outlining what happened, explain the distress and continuing harassment and say you wanted to get in touch because you've lost this social contact and you want them to know it's not true. For my own peace of mind.

"The only thing I can think of is the book is a bit full on?" .... TBH I don't know what you mean by that, sorry. It's a little local interest book that is respected, held in our library and sold in our local museum. That one time she rang me she praised it and thanked me for it.

I was thinking of anything that stood out to me from your posts, and giving her a copy of your book signed/dedicated to her was the only slightly odd thing I could see.

I think I would be better joining new groups where I can be a fresh and unknown person, because she has ruined my name already with her vile lies. Also, I have started interacting on MN more after rarely posting since I joined a couple of years ago.

Oh, I see. When we DM'd from the group in order to arrange to meet, she said she knew about my book and would love to get a copy sometime but money was tight. So I thought it would be a nice gesture for me to give her a copy for free and write "To Jane from Freda" inside it. It wasn't a big deal.

(those are not our real names btw)

Maybe she said something but I didn't see it. We were in several of the same groups and obviously one does not have time to read every post in every group every day.

They were all feminist groups. She is a vocal feminist. My views are very moderate compared with some in the groups. She was telling the women in the groups that I was insane, a danger to children, and they were replying "thanks for the warning". I did not see anyone reply "give us some proof" or anything like that. But then, she was a long standing member who posted a lot, whereas I was a new-ish member who did not post much so I guess people did not know that much about me and therefore took her word on trust.

The police being called about pronouns case was all over social media and all over the national newspapers. Noticing the story isn't having "extreme views" - I was pointing out that the police travelled hundreds of miles to warn or arrest some woman for a Facebook post, but in my case of being harassed by this woman they just fobbed me off.

Why not contact Citizens Advice? This is harassment and if you meet with someone from your local CA, you can fully explain the circumstance and fully explore your options.

Don’t follow her. It sounds like she could turn that back on you as stalking.
Can you record her videoing you? Stop and ask her to stop —- things like why are you doing this? Why do you keep harassing me like this? Clearly so people can hear. Then insist the police look for any possible CCTV.
i can’t imagine what she seeks to gain from this, unless it’s attention from the FB group.

I'm not sure the purpose of MN is to get or give advice on how to dox feminists; or how to use hate crime legislation against them.

Why didn't Admin of the page stopped this in its tracks? I have just spent the morning putting a member on post approval, and then finally suspending him from our group for comments he is making about another person.

it seems wrong that Admin didn't nip this in the bud to start with. I hope its not too late for you to report the post and also look at the member list to see who is admin or moderator on the page and explain to them via message what has occurs.

How dreadful for you.

Agree with @Cheeseandlobster and others. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if you’re not her only victim and since your problem in the FB groups she’s done this to others. People cotton on in the end and it may well be that your character isn’t being questioned nearly as much as it feels like it is. Anyway, it is harassment and I would personally want to pursue it through official channels but I also understand why you want to move on and develop other contacts in other groups. The admins have got questions to answer and I’d be reporting the group even two years down the line. I don’t know if this list is of any help www.report-it.org.uk/organisations_that_can_help.

I'm really sorry you’ve been put through this. I wish I was your RL friend as I’m like a dog with a bone - have you got any tenacious friends who can help you and back you up when you’re being fobbed off?