Husband flirting with my cousin? or do I just hate her?

[Minvixtus]

For context and balance, I really don't like my cousin. She is unhappily married. When we have large family gatherings she will never bring her husband. At a recent event, she flirted and told one of my friends that she was single. When word got around, everyone thought it was funny, typical 'her' behaviour, it's okay they were just having fun...

My husband gets on with her well. They message each other on snapchat and have done so for a few years. He has on occasion mentioned that she has messaged something about family matters. I've never really taken too much notice.

My cousin and family came over to stay for two weeks. My husband is jovial and so is my cousin. At an event they spent most of the day chasing each other, play fighting with each other. I felt uncomfortable, it reminded me how we behaved when we first got to know each other. I didn't say a word, perhaps my feelings are wrong. Everyone else seemed to find it funny. Their behaviour continued across several different events. My feelings became more uncomfortable but I didn't say a word, I mean he is my husband and she is my cousin - surely they understand where the line is.

My mom recognized I was unhappy, so she decided to have a word with him about how they are behaving without telling me. He came to me afterwards saying that he was sorry and didn't feel that anything was wrong, he saw her like a sister and wouldn't do anything to jeopardize our relationship and family.

They have stopped the play fighting, but I noticed that both of them are constantly on their phones. My husband received a message from her and whilst replying realized I was walking right behind him. He quickly changed the app to another one and lied saying that he was replying to another message. We were all in the same room when it happened, they could have easily spoken to each other.

I feel bad, but I couldn't help myself, I looked at his phone and discovered that they are each others no1 messaged friend on snapchat for the last two weeks (the same time frame that we have all been together!). Furthermore, she has sent pictures of herself posing and he has saved those snaps. None of the pictures are explicit or flirty. My husband is constantly on snapchat, if they both are each others no1 messaged friend, I don't understand how there were very few messages in the chat - unless he has been deleting them, if so why?

I feel like I'm messy at the minute with a lot to lose if my actions are wrong. Is it reasonable to speak to my husband about it or am I just being unreasonable about their friendship. I fear that my family will side over to her and I will become the outcast.

Something doesn’t sound right here

Honestly, I'd be furious. That's humiliating to be acting like that especially in front of family.
The hiding messages says more is going on than you think. I'd have it out with him

Very dodgy. I'd call him out on it. It's bizarre behaviour to be constantly snapchatting a family member you are with. I'd say they both fancy each other.

you had me at chase and play fighting...
err so right...
The good news (to some extent) they aren't hiding things so probably 'nothing' has happened. But yeah this has all the hallmarks of people courting / lining up their next long term relationship / marriage before exiting the first.

If so I do find it cowardly and disrespectful although it's amazing the extent to which people seem able to convince themselves they've done 'nothing wrong' because they didn't have sex yet.

They were play fighting?? Definitely inappropriate. And the snapchat stuff sounds shady too. I don't think your personal feelings about your cousin are relevant here, they're both crossing a line.

Definitely confront your husband about it.

Nothing unreasonable about this.

I would definitely think something is going on.

Wasn’t he mortified that your mum had to tell him to stop flirting with your cousin?
They are gearing up for an affair right in front of you, what a pair of cunts.

Listen to your gut.

So sorry op this sounds awful. There's something already going on or will very soon

They definitely fancy each other and are having secret chats.
It's an emotional affair - at best- with the extreme likelihood this will go further the second they get chance- and I'm guessing you're not with your husband 24/7.
Look out for him working late etc.

Definitely something suspicious

Definitely sounds suspicious but doesn't Snapchat delete messages anyway? This would be why there aren't many messages in the chat.
I find it odd that their main form of communication is on Snapchat anyway as don't people use it because it deletes conversations 🤔
Anyway, I don't know how I'd feel if my DP was always messaging my cousin. I'd find it a bit odd, they get on and have had messages in the past when I was pregnant as my DP wanted her advice but daily chats, especially when you are all together is extremely suspicious to me.
Him coming off the app when he saw you aswell is dodgy.
I would speak to him and say he needs to be honest with you about what is going on between them or what he wants to happen between them because it isn't acceptable behaviour. Especially as other people have noticed it so it can't be all in your head

This definitely sounds worrying. I have seen this chasing/playfighting thing with a friend of my DH and a work colleague. It ended with them having an emotional affair and a one night stand. Obviously it doesn't follow that this will happen, but when we saw this behaviour at a work event, everyone thought it was weird and inappropriate.

Snapchat delete chats after 24hours the messages you can see are the ones he or she has chosen to save into the chat. Very weird, messaging eachother while your in the same room is just odd and suggests he is either speaking about you or blatantly having an affair in plain sight

You should have talked to him about it straight away. Why allow your mother to interfere?

I've been in this exact position, it really messed with my emotions and head at the time. I feel for you OP, I'm sorry to hear you're going through this.

In my situation, with retrospect, what hurt me the most was him hiding things and lying. It wasn't about if they had actually 'done' anything, it was all about his lack of wanting to hear my worries and how little he cared about making me feel at ease. I was portrayed as the emotional one for being upset at their play fights, stupid for feeling sick when they were getting so close and talking daily. It was like they were closer than he was to me and it made me feel like an outsider in my own relationship.

It was seeing blue arrows on his inbox texts, so I knew he had replied to her messages, but there were none in his 'sent' folder. The absolute denial of things that I could prove had happened and him gaslighting me to say I was the stupid one. Him being protective of their communications (never in front of me, walked out of the room to speak or waited for me not to be around).

I'm pretty certain nothing ever happened between them, we eventually split several years later, they never did get together and both are with others. But disrespecting the boundaries of a relationship doesn't just come in the form of affairs, it can happen in many different ways.. and for me the way he went about the whole situation just felt like a massive slap in the face and I never really forgot how little he seemed to care about me during that time. It was like he cared more about her feelings.

In short, don't let him dismiss your feelings, they are valid and you have every right to feel how you do. You are not being unreasonable about their friendship, and I think you have good reason to speak to your husband about this. Even if he's done nothing that crosses the boundary (in his mind) he should still care that you are feeling uneasy about things and want to help resolve things to a better place for you both.

Sending hugs @Minvixtus

Sorry to quote love Island but there is a “vibe” there that they are “exploring” in front of you. There should be boundaries between them but they are crossing them left, right and centre. Take care of yourself.

Aside from the fact that they’re both out of order, they sound like they’re about 15.
Spending all their time on Snapchat and play fighting??

They’re involved. They have constant communication, flirtation, secrets. You’re being disrespected and betrayed. Do something.

Sees her like a sister? Sorry I don't chase and play fight with my brother or sister and I don't know anyone else who does as adults. Sorry it sounds like there is more going on.

I have had an emotional affair myself and didn't realise that was what it was until I was in it deep and one day it went a step further at which point I told my DH straight away. Luckily for me we saved our marriage but it could easily have been different. I was having mental health problems at the time and craving attention. No excuses but probably why our marriage was salvable.

The point is, in hindsight I know what you describe is exactly what was happening for me. And I told myself it was OK because people have friends of the opposite sex and we weren't doing anything wrong because nothing physical happened at all. But actually the amount of messages and communication was wholly inappropriate and like what you'd have at early stages of a romantic relationship.

Have the talk. He makes a decision. He wants you, he stops this nonsense now. There is a big difference between being friends who message occasionally and what they are doing.

Completely out of order and I would be worried/uncomfortable/embarrassed/angry.

How dare they? They are adults they should see how inappropriate that is. Ask your husband how he would feel of you suddenly started play fighting with her husband and spending all day snap chatting each other.

Yes it's really inappropriate. I would be having a sharp word with both of them and definitely wouldn't be inviting your cousin over any time soon.

He sees her as a sister, yet saves pictures of her posing to his phone? Yes that's what all brothers do...

They are flirting and they know it, hence why he is hiding it. What a bitch your cousin is, what if they do cheat, are your family going to laugh it off and say 'oh typical her'. Jesus Christ.. horrible people, sorry you are related and married to them.

I'd be telling him to pack it in now with this 'friendship' or he'll find himself without a home. And I'd tell her that just because she's got a shit marriage doesn't mean she has to go ruining other people's.

Trust your gut. They've toeing the line and building up to crossing it. Tell him you're uncomfortable with the amount they message and that it looks like they're having an emotional affair. Tell him if he goes any further, it's the end of your marriage. Then tell her that just because her marriage is unhappy, doesn't mean she can screw yours up. Also confide in your mum – is she siblings with the cousin's mum/dad?