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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband flirting with my cousin? or do I just hate her?

79 replies

Minvixtus · 12/07/2022 10:10

For context and balance, I really don't like my cousin. She is unhappily married. When we have large family gatherings she will never bring her husband. At a recent event, she flirted and told one of my friends that she was single. When word got around, everyone thought it was funny, typical 'her' behaviour, it's okay they were just having fun...

My husband gets on with her well. They message each other on snapchat and have done so for a few years. He has on occasion mentioned that she has messaged something about family matters. I've never really taken too much notice.

My cousin and family came over to stay for two weeks. My husband is jovial and so is my cousin. At an event they spent most of the day chasing each other, play fighting with each other. I felt uncomfortable, it reminded me how we behaved when we first got to know each other. I didn't say a word, perhaps my feelings are wrong. Everyone else seemed to find it funny. Their behaviour continued across several different events. My feelings became more uncomfortable but I didn't say a word, I mean he is my husband and she is my cousin - surely they understand where the line is.

My mom recognized I was unhappy, so she decided to have a word with him about how they are behaving without telling me. He came to me afterwards saying that he was sorry and didn't feel that anything was wrong, he saw her like a sister and wouldn't do anything to jeopardize our relationship and family.

They have stopped the play fighting, but I noticed that both of them are constantly on their phones. My husband received a message from her and whilst replying realized I was walking right behind him. He quickly changed the app to another one and lied saying that he was replying to another message. We were all in the same room when it happened, they could have easily spoken to each other.

I feel bad, but I couldn't help myself, I looked at his phone and discovered that they are each others no1 messaged friend on snapchat for the last two weeks (the same time frame that we have all been together!). Furthermore, she has sent pictures of herself posing and he has saved those snaps. None of the pictures are explicit or flirty. My husband is constantly on snapchat, if they both are each others no1 messaged friend, I don't understand how there were very few messages in the chat - unless he has been deleting them, if so why?

I feel like I'm messy at the minute with a lot to lose if my actions are wrong. Is it reasonable to speak to my husband about it or am I just being unreasonable about their friendship. I fear that my family will side over to her and I will become the outcast.

OP posts:
Irishfarmer · 12/07/2022 11:22

Play fighting its weird and flirting imo. The fact your mum noticed it made you uncomfortable and felt she had to step in says a lot!

Talk to him tell him this is not appropriate.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 12/07/2022 11:22

Simply? It honks.

By cavorting in a ‘playful’ manner in front of you, they are making on that it is all a brother sister thing for everyone’s benefit. They are just hiding the bit where they are attached not in a brother sister way.

Your husband needs his arse hoofing. Play fighting indeed.

10HailMarys · 12/07/2022 11:23

I'm not the jealous type in general but even I would be suspicious about this; it does sound like it's going beyond the normal realms of friendliness. DP and I both have friends of the opposite sex but we're not play-fighting with them or sending them photos of ourselves, even non-flirty ones. I'm not saying that your DH and your cousin are actually having an affair but I think it's definitely crossing the boundary between friendship and flirting and I would not be happy about it.

JemimaPuddleducksWaddle · 12/07/2022 11:26

Play fighting, snapchat. Are you all 15?

Harridan1981 · 12/07/2022 11:26

Doesn't Snapchat automatically delete messages? Which is why it is so popular with bullies.

That's beside the point however. Your husband should know better.

Coldnoseandtoes · 12/07/2022 11:28

If she wasn't your cousin wouldn't you think this was already an inappropriate level of closeness for married people to be forming? I'd be more pissed off with my husband than a cousin I didn't get in with. I presume he isn't stupid, he knows what he is doing.

Bunty55 · 12/07/2022 11:32

Your husband is being a dick, and she is playing with another woman's man. They need to stop.
Would I put up with this ? Would I fxxk

Essexgalttc · 12/07/2022 11:32

I’m sorry OP but sounds like DH and cousin are crossing the line here and my bets are on they fancy each other a little. Bold statement to make but hiding the messages is the ultimate red flag. The cliche quote “cheating doesn’t have to be physical, it can start with hiding messages you wouldn’t show your partner”
Saving her images?
you need to sit him down and tell him how you feel again and tell him you are uncomfortable and feel like something is going on
Also he must know you’re not fond of this cousin

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 12/07/2022 11:34

At the very best this is disrespectful by both of them at worse it's the start of an affair. Take the bull by the horns and stop this now. No more texting, no more play fighting. I'd go completely NC with this cousin and give him a kick up the arse.

Ishacoco · 12/07/2022 11:40

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 12/07/2022 11:34

At the very best this is disrespectful by both of them at worse it's the start of an affair. Take the bull by the horns and stop this now. No more texting, no more play fighting. I'd go completely NC with this cousin and give him a kick up the arse.

This.

StClare101 · 12/07/2022 11:48

JemimaPuddleducksWaddle · 12/07/2022 11:26

Play fighting, snapchat. Are you all 15?

Why put this on the OP with “you all”?

OP, I’d call them out on it. Both of them. And go completely NC with the cousin. Your mum noticing is a very telling sign…..

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 12/07/2022 11:51

Yanbu. This is ringing massive alarm bells. I have load of male friends and sometimes some of them are at the top of my messages list.

But this is not normal for a family relationship:
play fighting and flirting to the point of other people noticing and commenting
Lying about messaging / deleting messages
Messaging frequently when you're at the same place
Saving pictures of someone posing
..wtf

He thinks of her like a sister...no one saves pics of their sister posing

You do need to say something and he needs to cut it out

amusedbush · 12/07/2022 11:55

liveforsummer · 12/07/2022 11:11

Sees her like a sister? Sorry I don't chase and play fight with my brother or sister and I don't know anyone else who does as adults. Sorry it sounds like there is more going on.

Came here to say this - I get on fine with my brother but I can't see any situation where we would publicly wrestle Confused

Chikapu · 12/07/2022 11:55

Adult brothers and sisters don't play fight and chase each other, it's just weird. They're having an emotional affair and rubbing your nose in it.

CharlotteOH · 12/07/2022 11:58

Well, they definitely fancy each other and are already having an emotional affair. The worst bit is about him lying to you 😢 showing that he’s willing to risk his marriage with you so that he can enjoy the thrill of messaging her.

There are three ways you can play it:

  1. To refuse, on behalf of your entire family, any invites to meetups when she’ll be there. Try to make it impossible for them to meet naturally. This option sucks because it affects you and your DC and doesn’t solve the messaging.
  2. Confront HER. Say that the entire family is talking about how she’s flirting with your husband, that it’s inappropriate for her to be messaging him, and that just because her marriage is unhappy doesn’t make it ok to try to break up her cousin’s marriage, and if she’s looking for a man she should look outside her own family instead of trying to ruin the lives of her nieces and nephews. If she has any conscience at all this might make her think twice.
  3. Confront HIM. Say that you’re fed up if him flirting with, and secretly messaging, your cousin, that everyone’s talking about how disrespectful both of them are being to you, that it is already an emotional affair and that he needs to stop right now and block her on all devices if he’s serious about staying married to you and continuing to live with his kids. Do not let him gaslight you, just keep saying that their behaviour is not normal and it is not ok.
If it was me I’d do all three.

If you ignore it they’ll probably shag eventually and things will be worse.

savethatkitty · 12/07/2022 11:58

She wants what you have & is trying to get her claws into him. Unfortunately men are fuelled by ego so your DH would be loving the attention

CharlotteOH · 12/07/2022 11:59

Depending what he’s like I suppose another option would be to tell her husband 🤔

TarasHarp55 · 12/07/2022 12:00

Saying he "sees her as a sister" is such a cop out and an outright lie. You don't see anyone as your sister unless it is your sister. He's flirting pure and simple.

TarasHarp55 · 12/07/2022 12:02

I don't know any grown up brother and sister who play fight either.

frazzledasarock · 12/07/2022 12:03

how old is your H?

I can’t imagine any scenario where it’s acceptable for my husband to be chasing/play fighting with a family member.

how long have you been with your H do you have DC?

JellyBellyNelly · 12/07/2022 12:03

This doesn’t sound right Op, and if I were you I’d have it all out in the open including with your cousins husband.

ClinkeyMonkey · 12/07/2022 12:30

I agree with the consensus here. I would be very very uncomfortable about this. Both of them are disrespecting you in plain sight. They should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves. Sadly, this is unlikely because they are carried away with the excitement of their 'harmless' flirting. It would be nothing more than pathetic if there wasn't so much at stake. You definitely need to have a conversation with your husband.

broughtitbutneedgone · 12/07/2022 12:31

Is cousin staying at your house?

This sounds shady AF

Cherrysoup · 12/07/2022 12:37

Playfighting in front of the family? Omg, I’d go nuts. I hope you’ve spoken to both of them very seriously.

Rosehugger · 12/07/2022 14:05

Sounds like an emotional affair, at least.