to be happy without friends

[yourmysafespace]

Since i left college i haven't had any friends. For a while i wondered why until i realized i don't allow people close to me.
Im married with 3 kids and any me time is spent reading or Watching tv.
I just can't imagine having someone else i need to spend time with or talk to.
I enjoy my own company and if im honest im slightly strange.

saying that i do talk to school mums or similar which i do enjoy as its limited to 5 ish mins and zero effect.

If you get all you need socially from chatting to school mums, then that's fine.

I guess you are an independent type person who doesn't need a lot of help or support day to day.
I'm a bit like you and I found a couple of good friends (one a neighbour) but it built up slowly over years.
I think people can get expectations of a social circle out of proportion, not helped by unrealistic tv portrayals. You sound quite normal to me.

The people with the most friends, probably have no real friends. I have groups I go out with or chat etc but can't be me completely. They're friends but really aquantanxes. I have one friend who I can be myself or talk to about anything. I don't think many people really have a true friend

The only people I have in my life is my other half, kids, hairdresser and I do too talk to some of the mums on the school run but it’s peaceful and drama free without anyone else! As long as you’re happy that’s all that matters! 🙃.

But you must be allowing people to get close as you got married.

We met at college before i became less sociable

If you are truly happy as you are, then yanbu.

Yes, this comes up over and over again on these threads. People claim to be entirely friendless —and in some cases that they’ve never had friends, that they’re ‘not likeable’ or ‘don’t have the skills’ to make friends — but are married. Which suggests they see dating/a sexual relationship as an entirely separate entity?

(Not you, OP, I see you say you met your husband at a time in your life when you had friends.)

It's usual to not be heavily dependent on others once you're an adult. Teenagers have a strong need to define themselves through friendships, adults, not so much.

I'm not sure why people try to disprove the notion of not being 'friendly' if you're married, marriage is a long term commitment, a relationship that has obligations and expectations as well as generally economical support. Friendships are much more vague and thus get abandoned when, inevitably, they are too much work or effort due to things going on in your life.

Oh I see
but then going on to have children

it's fine if you don't want friends

it sounds like your needs are met though, which is a big factor.

Why would you define friendships as involving being ‘heavily dependent’, though? My friendships add hugely to my life, but I’m certainly not ‘dependent’ on any of them.

And yes, marriage involves obligations, commitment and shared finances etc, but that marriage had to begin with dating someone, and often more than one person, to get to the point of marriage without more than an initial liking and openness to getting to know one another — and I don’t think that necessarily involves entirely different ‘skills’ to making friends.

That's a rather sad take on friendship, I think. Friendships don't have to be abandoned when there is other stuff going on in your life... it's a choice as to whether to prioritise them or not.

My closest friends are immensely important to me and they add a great deal to my life, but there is no dependence there. I don't think that others should have friends if they are perfectly happy without them, but I do know that my life is a lot richer for having them.

You shouldn’t have friends if you don’t want them.
I’d consider whether ‘watching tv and reading’ is how you want to look back on your life when you die, though.
sounds terribly dull to me, friends or no friends……….

i said me time not all the time. My life is anything but dull.

My dh has become alot like me. The only people we have in our home are the kids friends and family members. If dh died or we spilt up i honestly think that will be me single. We're both 30

Op I'm single and planning to stay that way. I have one true friend I can call on for most things ( and she to me ) and then 2 good friends I rarely see but speak/text a fair amount.
I don't like depending on people and am happiest in my own company.

I think people need a couple of good friends because if your partner or husband dies or you split up your on your own then.
It's nice to have a few good friends as well.

OP, were anything bad to happen to you or your DH, you'd soon find out who your real friends are.

Well, if you don't have any....

I shudder to think what mum would be like if she had no friends after losing dad. It's a burden for us even with all her lovely friends.

Some people get most of their 'socializing' from their partner, and their family. Or just aren't very sociable in the first place. If you have kids friends over in the week, family on weekend and chat to your partner in the evening then I can see how you wouldn't be that lonely.

Obviously if any of that changes, which it will over time, then you might need social contact through other ways, a lot of older people are very lonely as they don't have their partner any more if they are widowed and if their family lives away.

I don't think there is a right or wrong about it if your needs are met, I like and need (as in would feel sad if i didn't have them) friends/social contact beyond my nuclear family so we are different.

Surely the point isn’t that you’d be single if you divorced or were widowed — that’s a legitimate choice that’s yours to make — it’s that, once your children had left home, you would literally never see anyone else at all, apart from family members?

And if you and your DH are only 30, it seems a little early to be quite so set in your ways, especially if it’s essentially from a kind of laziness about exercising your friendship muscles, or from bad experiences of friendships that hurt you?

No, friendships are absolutely not compulsory, but from the point of view of someone whose friends add immeasurably to my life, it looks a bit like deciding you’re never going to leave your small town again, ever. You could do it, but it’s unnecessarily limiting.

YANBU if you are happy without friends, but it sure sounds a sad and lonely way to live.

Many with the 'I don't need friends' mantra often end up old and lonely in later life, especially if their partner has died, and that's something I wouldn't wish on anyone.

My mum was like you, spurned friendships. That was fine when dad was alive and she was busy with her own kids. And even I suppose right until we started having our own babies and got busy, she would see plenty of us. So she didn't need friends. Now she lives alone, has done for 15 years now and she's a very fit 77yo so there's plenty of years (hopefully) to go.

But she still doesn't have friends, despite telling us she gets really lonely. Even former work colleagues that she got on great with or old family friends frequently invite her to do stuff and she declines. She's got no hobbies either. We've all had to move at least an hour away for work or for our own family needs so she doesn't have anyone popping in.

She says she's fine on her own and doesn't like talking to neighbours or anyone that knows her but she only talks to her offspring and her own siblings, nobody else unless they seek her out and then she can't get rid of them fast enough.

And for us, it's exhausting being the sole hobby and interest for someone. The absolute minutae of our lives is gossiped about to her siblings or to her other kids. So that results in me telling her fuck all really because I know anything private will end up in any number of whatsapp chats as juicy gossip fodder.

We aren't close and have a bit of a prickly relationship because from her POV she devoted her entire existence to her kids and probably sees me as being dismissive, difficult and ungrateful but it's actually self preservation from a woman who is suffocatingly overbearing.

I'm not saying you are anything like that. It's easy to be happy in your own company and not need friendships when you have the fallback of your kids and husband to spend time with but it may not always be that way...

@Pugfostermum Not everyone's the same, though, are they? I'm sure reading and watching TV aren't really the only things the OP does with her time anyway, but even if they were, what's dull to one person isn't dull to another.

Also worth remembering that even if the OP's life was dull, friends wouldn't necessarily be the thing to make it more exciting. Hand on heart, I can say that none of my most exciting experiences as an adult have been reliant on me having friends. I'm sure the OP can do interesting things on her own or with her family.

@TheOriginalClownfish I think your situation with your mum is quite a common one, sadly. However, the OP does says that she is happy with her own company, which I think is maybe different from people like your mum. People like your mum are really not happy with their own company, but are also not happy with the company anyone except a select few people who then carry the burden of that.

When my nan died, my grandad missed her terribly, but he never once felt lonely for company in general. It was specifically his wife that he missed, not just general human contact. He was absolutely 100% happy going for months without doing anything more sociable than a two minute exchange of pleasantries with a neighbour. He would happily chat away when we visited him and loved us all very much, but he would absolutely not have wanted weekly visits from us.

There are so many of these threads, past and present. Take heart from that, OP. If you're happy and content it doesn't matter at all.

I have acquaintances, and fewer closer friends and family. I'm always busy do people think I'm sociable, but I prefer solitude and my own company, as I find people a bit much at times, and exhausting (not their fault). I'm probably also slightly strange, but plenty of like minded people on here.