to be happy without friends

[yourmysafespace]

Since i left college i haven't had any friends. For a while i wondered why until i realized i don't allow people close to me.
Im married with 3 kids and any me time is spent reading or Watching tv.
I just can't imagine having someone else i need to spend time with or talk to.
I enjoy my own company and if im honest im slightly strange.

saying that i do talk to school mums or similar which i do enjoy as its limited to 5 ish mins and zero effect.

If you’re happy with it then great. But are you, if you started a thread about it?

Both of my sisters are very sociable with lots of friends. Which made me wonder how different i was.

My sister has quite a few close friends who go out regularly. I am not that sociable. But have one really great friend who I don't see all the time to chat, but she's the only important person in my life

If you’re happy then I don’t think there’s anything to debate. However, I would pay attention to the number of threads on here where the OP states “ I have no support in real life” or “ I have no one I can speak to about this”.

I’m always baffled by these threads because invariably the poster is married or is in a LTR. So actually you do have a friend, you have your significant other.

And then loads of people will say it doesn’t matter as long as you’re happy.

But it does matter. Whether by accident or design you are leaving yourself incredibly vulnerable, financially and emotionally, if you depend for all you emotional support on the person you are in an intimate relationship with.

I completely understand why this happens to people but I think it’s not healthy and it worries me that this is so routinely shrugged off as OK or normal.

i would strongly advise you to build up a support network.

I’ve raised the same point about being married or being in/having been in one or more committed sexual relationships on several of these threads. Posters seemed to think that finding a boyfriend/spouse involved entirely different skills and aptitudes.

I’m not convinced, but I suppose it’s true that you’re culturally mandated to search for romantic relationships as a central aspect of your existence, especially as a woman — cf current thread where a poster who was married with children was vocally incredulous that her single, childfree sister (who had no urge for a relationship or a child, but had friends and a fulfilling life) could be happy! — whereas you’re supposed to acquire friends without particular effort as you go along.

I don't have many friends. But I have a very full on sociable job where I'm constantly meeting new people. Its exhausting. My ideal weekend is time alone or with my DP only, and not saying a word to another person. I'm introverted and need that time to recharge. I do sometimes worry about it...but I'm happy and thats all that matters.

I work in an office and it completely overwhelms me socially sometimes, I don't think I could do with socialising outside of work as well!😂

That makes sense — my DH also has a very sociable job, with a lot of compulsory socialising, and simply doesn’t have the same need for friendships that I do (in an extremely solitary job). Presumably you would be able to put some effort into making friends if circumstances changed and you needed more friendships? In some ways it seems to me a muscle that needs to be mildly exercised to stop it from atrophying entirely.

If you are happy with quick interactions and not making closer friendships then that is fine.

I do have some very long term friends and value them. However little interactions can certainly be pleasant, I made a very elderly chap laugh in the pub yesterday, no idea who he was it was just a passing 2 minute chat.

I think that not having friends doesn’t feel like a problem, for as long as your relationship is going well and you’re wrapped up in your young children etc. As your children become older and less dependent on you, or if/when you have lonely or disconnected patches in your marriage, that’s when suddenly you realise that having nobody to turn to to talk about anything with or share a problem or get an opinion on can be very isolating.

Personally, I can’t imagine not having any friends - I have loads, and they’re an enormous feature in my life, we spend a lot of time together and they bring me a lot of love. But then, all the friendship issues I read about on MN are completely alien to me, I don’t know what it’s like to feel like you have to “put boundaries in place” with your friends or believe you’re the one doing all the leg work whilst your friends take the piss or think you have to worry about being “wendied” etc - I left all that behind at secondary school and all my friendships are really enjoyable, easy sailing with mutual love and care and support.

Well, seeing as you're soliciting opinions I do personally think it's not a very healthy way to live and you're potentially setting yourself up to be unhappy one day if and when your family circumstances change. But if you're genuinely happy with your life as it is and you're not worried about it causing problems in the future then you don't need approval from this random MNer to live however you want, so crack on.

Also agree with everything @ComtesseDeSpair said - a lot of the friendships people describe on here sound like really hard work and if that's their experience then I'm not surprised they prefer not to bother, but it's nothing like mine.

@Eto

Yeah I think women are socialised at some level to think that once they have found a husband or partner they can “stop trying” at some land many women allow their friendships to fall away.

To some extent this is understandable because maintaining friendships is time intensive and people with young families often lack time. Also it makes you less inclined to tolerate generally sub-standard “legacy” friendships.

But over the long term it’s extremely unwise to put all you eggs him one basket. It isn’t just the obvious risks that you could split up. It’s also that no one person can fulfil all of anyone’s needs. I think it’s really important for people to have a variety of views and perspectives in their life.

And it’s invariably the people who have stopped bothering with their friends when they get a partner who find themselves alone when that partner becomes abusive or neglectful or just stops making the effort.

Everyone needs someone in their life to confide in who isn’t their partner.

You say that, but even people who have loads of friends don't necessarily have a bestie who they can depend on to take them in, or do things like that.

It's always good to have company but if your aim is very close friendships (the type to help you financially) that doesn't always happen when you're an adult.

Also think it's fine to not prioritise friendships for now, or to primarily socialise with family (sisters, cousins). Or to speak to coworkers or acquaintances and get your social fix from that.

I have to roll my eyes at those going on about how rich their lives are and 'why don't you dust go and find a group of friends'. It's not always that easy, even if that's what you want to just going and pick a best friend like you're picking berries.

No it’s not always easy but it’s really important. You can’t just rely on your immediate family.

But you shouldn’t have to go out and meet a bunch of new friends if you look after your existing ones. It starts with the way you approach things when you meet your SO. So many people stop bothering with their friends at this point and it’s incredibly foolish.

Why are you equating best/close friendships with financial help, though? That seems to me a huge leap!

Why are you equating best/close friendships with financial help, though? That seems to me a huge leap!

You misunderstood. You spoke about the type of close friendship. I didn't bring it up I was responding. Not everyone can just acquire that type of friendship.

That makes perfect sense.

No it’s not always easy but it’s really important. You can’t just rely on your immediate family.

Well if you have your husband, children, parents, extended family, siblings, and acquaintances I don't see show that can be foolish. That's plenty of people around you. And siblings are often closer than many of your friends. So that's up to the individual.

I wonder if single people with lots of friends and no partner are also missing out? You don't need to have every type of company to be fulfilled and supported, why would you?

If you don't have a best friend but have two sisters and a cousin instead, how is that foolish?

You said ‘if your aim is close friendships (the type to help you financially)’. You appear to be equating close friendships and financial help. What am I misunderstanding? I have close friends. We help one another a lot. I’ve never offered or accepted financial help from any of them. The two times I’ve lent someone money, it’s been people I’m not particularly close to.

Oh please give it a rest. I was responding to a previous post that mentioned financial and emotional support.

If you're happy then obviously it's not unreasonable. Why even ask?

Just be careful you aren't confusing laziness with a lack of need. Friendships post-children are hard work to maintain. I'm still glad to make the effort over letting them fizzle out.

Yes friends important but there is def a few lately that just make no effort. I got tired chasing them.. so I can see how people have few friends. But your right a few good friends are important.

I just think over-reliance on your immediate family, whether that’s your spouse and children or siblings and parents, makes for quite a limiting and narrow world.

It means that almost everyone you see has some financial connection to you for one thing. It also just means a very narrow set of views and perspectives and a lot of groupthink. The needs of “the family” will always trump those of the individual.

What if you were going through a crisis involving your family and you needed an external sounding board?